recently separated from wife.... ??

[BestAdvisor1]

Mike, I'm sorry that I was right.

[Mike1966]

Then you did the right thing. Actions speak louder than words and if she wasn't even willing to goto counseling then she doesn't value the marriage like she should. Good to pull the safety net from her. Too many people string their SO through the mud and use them as a safety net while they act like they are single.

 

Hang in there, it does get easier!

 

Thanks!!

 

Your advice has been spot on the whole way.....................of course you live and learn but I should have done as you mentioned with Tough Love long ago. You keep hoping that something will change things, maybe an earlier wake up call would have but I'm done with maybes and mights and it's time for here and now......time to move on.

 

I'm feeling better already, though I know I have some healing to do.

 

Thanks again,

 

Mike

[Mike1966]

I think there is more to this guy that just asked her out than you think there is. She is behaving like a typical wayward spouse.

 

Mike, now is not the time for you to start dating. You're still married and you're a Christian. You know that isn't right no matter what she's done.

Plus, you're emotionally vulnerable and likely to fall for the first woman who gives you some kindness in return because it's been so long since you've had any love bank deposits. That wouldn't be fair to you or the person you'd be dating.

 

I know it's hard and you're lonely now but please wait until after the divorce is final. Have you thought about finding a Divorce Care group somewhere??

 

Pixie,

 

You sound like my conscience, girl!! Hey, I totally appreciate what you are saying. One thing I have not done is get on my knees before God which I will be doing soon.

 

I know that I'm emotional right now and have been hurt. At the same time, yes, I would enjoy some female companionship so I'm not sure what I will do. The last thing I will do is establish a "relationship", I just thought maybe some casual meetings or something?? As far as I'm concerned, my wife was adulterous, whether it was physical or not, and I have the peace over the divorce that I didn't have before about moving on. It's between her and God, I know where I stand and have tried my best to make decisions by His Word.

 

I have heard of a divorce care group not too far from me that I'm looking into. Another thing that has actually been positive, since I'm no longer focused on my wife and just the kids, they and I have been getting along like the old days.............it feels great.

 

Thanks,

 

Mike

[Mike1966]

Mike, I'm sorry that I was right.

 

No problem, BA1, it's never been about right and wrong with me as to the advice received. You filter it and go with what you think is best. Often times it isn't and freshly mowed crop of grass.................you have a few paths equally as appealing.

 

Finding out that my wife was dating or now is dating someone just gives me the peace I needed about moving on, and, that I didn't give up until the fat lady was almost finished with the song !

[Mz. Pixie]

Maybe the best thing would be to check into Divorce Care and see if they all meet for coffee and stuff like that?

 

Then you can just meet people in a group setting.

 

What are you going to do about church? Go to the same one or change?

[Mike1966]

Pixie-

 

My wife has been seldom attending our church the last month or more. My guess is that the guilt is becoming too much for her and many there know that she left me and wasn't giving the marriage a chance. The last thing she wants right now is accountability, to anyone for any reason.

 

I've been getting emails from her today, sending me files from our computer that she's deleting that were mine.................making it official I guess. I have sent her a few venting emails, I'm just tired of being the doormat. I had my faults in the marriage but, wow, so did she. I feel like all I ever did was give to her...........my time, money, love, affection...........nothing was EVER enough.

 

She even mentioned this guy by name and the fact that he served in his church. I was steamed, all I could think of were the times I tried serving in the praise band, teaching a class.....................anything I did and she was whining about me taking time away from her and the kids. I told her such and told her good riddance that she was now his problem instead of mine.

 

Probably ought to tread lightly as she could likely get more alimony than I'm paying, though she hasn't signed anything yet.

 

Divorce care group sounds good and I'm going to look into it. I must be honest and confess I'm meeting a gal tonight for coffee to talk that I met. Don't rail on me too hard! I've been completely up front with her about where I'm at and that I'm looking for friendship, that's all. I guess at 40 yrs old I'm done playing games. Right now, I do desire some companionship but I want my main focus to be with my girls.

 

Thanks,

 

Mike

[Cobra_X30]

Probably ought to tread lightly as she could likely get more alimony than I'm paying, though she hasn't signed anything yet.

 

Divorce care group sounds good and I'm going to look into it. I must be honest and confess I'm meeting a gal tonight for coffee to talk that I met. Don't rail on me too hard! I've been completely up front with her about where I'm at and that I'm looking for friendship, that's all. I guess at 40 yrs old I'm done playing games. Right now, I do desire some companionship but I want my main focus to be with my girls.

 

Have you Lawyered up? Your going to push for full custody right?

[Darth Vader]

Um, are you going to get a Men's rights lawyer like I suggested? Since you're gonna be castrated by the court, the least you can do is castrate the court that's bias against men. If men don't stand up for themselves, who's going to? IMO, by her actions, she denounced Jesus Christ! But, that's just my opinion! Brother!

[Mike1966]

I appreciate your advice about the lawyer and custody, but, in my state if you are a guy who's wife has never worked outside the home, or a guy period, you are screwed. Trust me, I've talked with attorneys and watched my best friend get castrated before my very eyes 3 years ago............painful, man.

 

We had agreed to the terms and conditions months ago, hopefully she won't waffle since I finally stood up for myself yesterday and pissed her off. She has no clue what she's done, what she's doing or of the princess that she is. I can't tell her either so I'm done trying. I just want out and to move on.

 

As for duking it out in court, it would cost me more than I have to spend, and, I'd likely get a worse deal than what she has agreed to. No thanks.

 

I did have a nice date last night.....................great gal and we have a lot in common, but, I know, I know.................I need some time to heal and will take it slow.........................but I'm still gonna see her again

 

Thanks for everything

[Mz. Pixie]

I did have a nice date last night.....................great gal and we have a lot in common, but, I know, I know.................I need some time to heal and will take it slow.........................but I'm still gonna see her again

 

Thanks for everything

 

What happened to it just being coffee??

 

I know all the reasons why you think this is a good idea. I'm just trying to

save you the trouble that I myself went through. After 13 years I thought I was ready to date as well, but I really wasn't. Then, I did a bunch of UGLY healing in front of my guy. Turns out he was patient enough to help me get through it, but it wasn't pretty, and I don't think alot of guys would have went through that with me. I took issues out on him that I shouldn't have. Brought alot of baggage.

 

But I wasn't ready. And I don't think you are either. But hey, that's the benefit of me being BTDT.

[Darth Vader]

No problem, but hey, I just wanna know....... What state are you in, so I NEVER go there. Why haven't the laws been contested, it all sounds backwards to me!

[Mike1966]

No problem, but hey, I just wanna know....... What state are you in, so I NEVER go there. Why haven't the laws been contested, it all sounds backwards to me!

 

 

Illinois............stay away!!!

 

Pixie - I"m not saying I'm "healed", but I can tell you, for me, most of the reasons I was staying with the marriage were my commitment.................there weren't too many feelings left at the end. Then, when she brought up seeing other people, something "clicked" inside me. It was a liberation...............like I was finally free in God's eyes to let her go and whatever happens next is between her and him.

 

I can tell you..............other than some differences of opinion over settlement details, I don't hate her, matter of fact, though I think she has some serious issues for the next guy to deal with, I hope she's happy, I really do. And, I hope whoever she ends up with is decent as my kids are at home for the next 4-5 years and that person will be around him.

 

I"m not looking to go out and get married, I just enjoy the company of a woman. And, even the brief time I was with this one, I realized already the many things I had been subjected to my whole marriage..................basically an immature princess who treats people like crap if things don't go her way. I feel great that I don't have to be subjected to it anymore and strange as it may seem I've moved on and have complete peace.

 

I do understand the point about not dating so soon. I'm sure if I do continue seeing this girl it will be taken slow. Even if I would ever consider marriage down the road, it will be a long way down the road, I'm talkin' 3-4 years!! However, in the meantime, I will enjoy the company of a woman from time to time.

 

Thanks for the input.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with MzPixie... you need to be going waaaaayyyyy slow, Mike. (And I think she's coined a new phrase, btw... "Ugly Healing". )

 

Fact is, it hasn't been all that long ago since you had your hopes pinned on reconciliation. And even though you've always struck me as a guy who's got his head on straight, I don't think anybody gets out without having to do some of that "ugly healing".

 

Plus that... more often than not, once the WS realizes that they really have 'screwed the pooch' and the marriage is OVER... they either tend to back-peddle their asses off or pull out the big guns in the divorce settlement. It's usually mind-games galore until the dust finally settles.

So this thing ain't over yet. Regardless of whatever she's said... her EGO is not going to appreciate you moving on.

 

The last thing you want to do is bring somebody new into that big mess. So, if you're going to date... do keep it VERY casual, perhaps a "just friends" kind of thing. You don't want to end up hurting anybody's feelings, and unfortunately, a woman who really likes you, might end up inadvertently pushing for more pretty hard. (See the latter pages of ILMW's thread.)

 

Bottom line... you've got to be STRONG enough to set good boundaries, otherwise you'll land from the frying pan right to the fire.

[Mz. Pixie]

So, if you're going to date... do keep it VERY casual, perhaps a "just friends" kind of thing.

 

To me, that would include no sex, Mike, just so you know.

 

You haven't had your emotional needs met in a long time, so meeting someone who is willing to meet them is very intoxicating. It can cloud your judgment and make you miss things that you normally would see. I hope that make sense to you.

 

LJ- Ugly healing?? That's exactly what it was- and my H is so wonderful I hate to even admit that to myself- and it's actually the first time I've ever written that!

[Mike1966]

LJ and Pixie,

 

Hey....thanks so much for your input. You both make tons of sense. And, your right, I have no business getting serious with someone and I'll be frank, the way I'm wired, I can fall for someone pretty quick, but, I'm really, really thinking with the head on this one, slowing myself down from contacting this girl or seeing her from what I would normally do. Also, I'm being very honest and open about everything with her on where I'm at, you know? Easy to think with the heart but I need to use the noggin here big time.

 

LJ - I know what you say about the wife. We had a spat yesterday and she can be vicious, my main concern is even though everyone here thinks I'm getting a shaft with my divorce agreement financially, it could be a lot worse. I met with my (our) attorney yesterday to give him information to draft the settlement agreement and will have a copy for her to review Friday. I've communicated with her a couple of times last night and today about things, asking for peace and just to move on. The carrot I dangle is that if she has this guy she is seeing, and that is good, she'll be less intersted in what i'm doing and want to settle quickly which is what she initally said. I hope things do go well between them for her sake, and selfishly so she will just sign and we can be done. The attorney said if we agree, the divorce will be final by the first week of November.

 

As I said, my wife can be vicious, that's for sure. So I am alittle nervous. Water under the bridge but day before yesterday I did let off some steam in response to her emails and told her to take a flying leap and stop blaming me for everything. I"m actually thankful for the chance to make some changes in myself through this, but the idea that she has no issues is just plain absurd. The more I was talking with this gal the other night, the more I was like "I haven't had mature conversation like this for 20 years"............my wife was very, very immature, kind of a girl in a womans body. Part of it was exciting because she could be very fun and spunky, but then I could come home and when she was in a mood it was BAD for me and the kids, also she flew off the handle with little or no reason sometimes and spoke to me and the kids no better than a dog at times. The email I sent this morning and yesterday will hopefully diffuse things but she hasn't replied so the pot maybe is being stirred a little? Hope not!

 

I have decided though if she does come back at this point that I've moved on. She led me around with a ring in my nose for 4 months through the worst emotional roller coaster ride I've been on in my wife. She has always needed the attention of men and her leaving me and saying what she said just makes me wonder when the next time would be should we reconcile. I don't hate her and do care for her, but I want a better life than to be jerked around and emotionlly controlled like I feel I have been for 15 years.

[Darth Vader]

Have you two Legally separated? Is it possible to go nearly total NC?

[Mike1966]

We aren't legally separated.

 

As a matter of fact, the preverbial ***** hit the fan today. Wife sends hateful email that she is getting her own attorney and going to take me to the cleaners.

 

After she doesn't accept my calls, I immediately go to her apartment to talk. I won't lie....................basically, I grovel...............whatever I can do to get back on track so I don't get screwed any worse than I already am as it could easily happen. When your wife doesn't work, ever, in a 15 year marriage, you may have to pay Alimony for up to 5 years if they want to go to school or something to get a degree. It's nuts.

 

Anyway, she FINALLY calmed down a little, said she would agree to what we originally agreed to, actually a little better as I'm paying her alimony in a lump sum and we agreed to discount it. Also, she doesn't want a draft this Friday when it is to be ready, she wants to sign which is great. I called my atty and told him to get off his azz and have it done.

 

So...........I"m biting my nails a bit but will not be talking to her unless its about our kids or about signing the divorce agreement. It's a no fault divorce so it will be over in a few weeks. Unreal, the guy I found out she met 2 weeks ago, she already introduced him to our kids last night. But, there's not a helluva lot I can say until I get this divorce behind me. She said all kinds of crap and i can't believe she totally blames me for all of this....................the crazy thing is if you don't watch yourself you can believe all the bad things they say about you. Funny thing is ALL of our friends (most of which she's turned her back on cause they tell her to get her crap together and work out the marriage)..........ALL of them wonder how I stayed with her so long the way in was and don't for a minute think I was the problem.

[BestAdvisor1]

Unreal, the guy I found out she met 2 weeks ago, she already introduced him to our kids last night.

 

 

How did she meet him? Do you really believe that they have been together only for 2 weeks?

[Mike1966]

BA1-

 

Probably not............but at this point, who knows..............who cares. My only concern is who my kids will be around. I quizzed my wife about him yesterday..........he sounds nice and we live in a small area so I can check him out but I'm sure she portrayed him in the best light possible.

 

I just pray my attorney can get the paperwork done quick while she's "happy" with me and will sign so I can move on and not get destroyed more financially.

[PWSX3]

Like they say; don't believe anything they say & only believe half of what they do...

 

It kind of sounds to me like she has been talking to someone & they are helping her put these thoughts into her head.

 

Of course she will blame you for everything, how many times do people blame themselves anymore when they make a mistake. It is a lot easier for her to blame you, that way it is easier for her to move on with what she wants to do.

 

Go NC because the more you talk to her the more she can use that against you, to me it sounds like each time you talk you poor out your feelings & that is just pissing her off & makes things worse.

 

If you feel the urge to talk to her go for a walk, set down & type yourself a letter then delete it or write it down on paper then throw it away.

 

She is showing you she doesn't want to make this marriage work, she doesn't want to put the effort into your marriage, she is DONE!!!!!

 

Mr. Reality will someday give her a visit & it will be to late.

[Ladyjane14]

We aren't legally separated.

 

As a matter of fact, the preverbial ***** hit the fan today. Wife sends hateful email that she is getting her own attorney and going to take me to the cleaners.

 

After she doesn't accept my calls, I immediately go to her apartment to talk. I won't lie....................basically, I grovel...............whatever I can do to get back on track so I don't get screwed any worse than I already am as it could easily happen.

 

Good Man. If she wants to play... you play the game SMART, not hard.

 

Once you have your settlement signed, sealed, and delivered, she can gnash her teeth all she likes. Until then, I don't think I'd feel bad about "working" her if I were you. Be pleasant, appeal to her sympathies (what few she has ), and above all.... do NOT tell her you're "dating". Share nothing with her that she might use against you later. Commit nothing of a personal nature to paper, email, or text.

 

Very early on, in my first post to you back on Page 7, I told you that women often just want to keep their mates "calm and collected" while they extricate themselves from the marriage. Why not take a leaf out of her book? Tell her what she wants to hear until you've salvaged what you can.

 

I know it sounds cold-blooded, but hey... you're not the one who used that tactic FIRST, are you? Hell, I'd be so nice, butter wouldn't melt in my mouth. And THEN... after the smoke cleared... THAT's when I'd dump her on her princess ass.

[Mz. Pixie]

Very early on, in my first post to you back on Page 7, I told you that women often just want to keep their mates "calm and collected" while they extricate themselves from the marriage. Why not take a leaf out of her book? Tell her what she wants to hear until you've salvaged what you can.

 

 

That's exactly right!

 

I'm sure she's know this guy for longer than two weeks- hell, she has been acting wayward much before that.

[Mike1966]

PW and Ladies........

 

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I have complete humility and have been completely beaten into submission !!

 

Seriously, now that she's ready to sign and the settlement looks good to me, I'm going to be the whipping boy until its done. Butter will melt in my mouth.

 

I wish you all could have seen the woman I encountered yesterday, amazing. We started with she's getting an atty, going to take my head off, ended up with a deal a little better for me in the end. She definitely has some serious emotional issues and actually I feel for her and definitely feel for my kids and what it could do to them. At least I get them for 1 full week at a time.

 

I'm not a vindictive person so once this is over I hope we can get along. One thing I've noticed that I couldn't when being married to her is that she is a total control freak............we cannot disagree on anything without her losing it and getting mad. It's unreal and you cannot calm her down or talk to her...............always been that way.

 

About the other guy, I truly hope he is nice as he will have to be around my kids. And, if she met him a year ago I simply don't care.............I'm totally over her and have moved on. Would not take her back today if she came groveling, I'd feel sorry for her but would in no way go back to that. I still don't think divorce is the answer but one person can't be the only one to give in a marriage which I think has been the case in mine with me doing all the giving.

 

Pray for me................I keep telling my atty get this document drawn up, the final draft, and let's get her to sign, now!!

 

 

Thanks.

[Mz. Pixie]

I said a prayer for you.

 

I don't believe you when you say you're over your wife. It's impossible to get over someone that fast Mike. I know you WANT to be over her, but I don't think you are.

 

You will be one day though and you'll be a great catch after all of this mess!

[Darth Vader]

If your atty doesn't comply, fire his ! Get the thing signed, filed and move on! She almost sounds Narcisstic. As far as her seeing someone else, possibly, especially when you two bit PI lost her driving out to the middle of nowhere! Yes, I see how you're playin Mr. nice guy, be very careful these women (your wife) will do a 180 on ya in 1 second! And you don't even have to do anything wrong!