recently separated from wife.... ??

[Chrome Barracuda]

No way! No one knows that but her and I. She knows her first name, because my kids found it out somehow and told her. She has no room to talk, however, introducing this guy she started to see to my kids on the 2nd date or so.

 

Trust me..............my STBX will know as little as possible about ANYTHING until the judgment is entered in the next couple of weeks.

 

Thanks.

 

Look mike you just treat those kids right and do right by them, you'll be aight. The time is past.

[Mike1966]

I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop! What I mean is your STBXW's 180 turn around, and starts to get really nasty! I hope I'm wrong! You've been warned!

 

Who knows! I'm treading lightly, thats for sure. She did send an email yesterday about visitation and other issues, minor problem, but ended up on a positive note. If we can just hold out for 2 more weeks, the judgment will be entered and all will be final...........the hearing date is set.

[Mike1966]

The good thing is, after you've gone through something like this and you finally meet the right one, you'll really have learned so much that you'll make that relationship last.

 

Trust me on that one!

 

How very true, CaliGuy..................What a nice thought! I'm looking forward to that day!

 

Though I didn't want divorce, I do look at my situation as a blessing in many ways and have so many things to be thankful for. I've learned tons through this experience and want it to stick.

 

Surprisingly enough I really have no hard feelings towards my STBX. Now, she can make my blood start to boil with some of the selfish things she continues to do, but I pretty much just give it to God and let it go.

 

It's amazing what I've learned about our relationship during the marriage. At first, when I was still trying to save the marriage, I believed everything she told me about myself and it was all bad..............felt like I was a horrible person. What I've come to realize is that I have a lot of great qualities to offer someone, and, that she was only justifying her position on wanting out of the marriage by saying the things she said. It's hard though, when you're going through it, you want to take all the blame for all the problems and that just isn't right.

 

I feel sooooo much better now about where I'm headed and what I want out of my life. I'm really, really looking forward to the future for my kids and I. It's gonna be great!

[Mz. Pixie]

Good to hear that you're doing well!

[Mike1966]

Good to hear that you're doing well!

 

Thanks, Mz. Pixie.

 

Your prospective has really helped me and I appreciate your feedback!

[Mz. Pixie]

Thanks, Mz. Pixie.

 

Your prospective has really helped me and I appreciate your feedback!

 

Thanks Mike!

[Darth Vader]

Hey Mike! I know this may be a little off topic, but, anyway it might prove to be useful. If there has been an affair going on by your wife, you may want to find out, the reason is, and I just found out this one from OM/OW forum. Illinois is a state that you could sue an OM/OW in an AOA lawsuit. AOA is Alienation of Affection, more is outlined in the Thread, It's the only Thread in there about it that I know of, so check it out with your lawyer, find out some stuff if you can, lemme know what you think.

[Darth Vader]

If your wife has been protecting someone, I feel that this may be partly the reason she's doing it, she knows the laws........

[Mike1966]

Hey Mike! I know this may be a little off topic, but, anyway it might prove to be useful. If there has been an affair going on by your wife, you may want to find out, the reason is, and I just found out this one from OM/OW forum. Illinois is a state that you could sue an OM/OW in an AOA lawsuit. AOA is Alienation of Affection, more is outlined in the Thread, It's the only Thread in there about it that I know of, so check it out with your lawyer, find out some stuff if you can, lemme know what you think.

 

Darth-

 

Thanks for the note. I'm pretty much at the point where I've come to terms with my settlement and am just ready to move on and not rock the boat any longer. My STBX is so unstable anything could set her off, and, if I found out there never was an affair, she could get much more than she's getting.

 

My divorce is final in just a little over a week and I'm just looking forward to the future and want to put this behind me.

 

Last night, one of my daughters was talking on her cell phone around 10:30pm which isn't allowed (9pm is cutoff), I asked her who it was and apparently her Mom called then put the OM on the phone with my daughter...................I'm sure it was directed at me and I have to admit it hurt to know that my daughter is talking with this jerk. I'm sure she's trying like crazy to get the kids to accept him.

 

I communicated to my STBX that he was not allowed to talk with the kids the week I had them, and, that if I needed to I'd communicate it to him personally as I know where he works and have no problem confronting him. She told me he wouldn't be talking to the kids anymore during my week with them.

 

What a flippin drama queen my STBX is...................so superficial................makes like everything is a party, laughing and carrying on. FUnny thing is 14 years ago when her Mom cheated on her Dad, left him for this guy and is now still married to him, it destroyed my wife and many years of our marriage. She hated her Mom a long time for what she did.............her Mom and this guy would show up to the kids b-day parties and such, laughing and carrying on to project the image that life was great in utopiaville..............what a pharce, everyone knew it so it was silly to pretend but they did anyway 'cause they were nervous I guess. Now, my STBX does the same thing. What a joke!

 

What a relief I am not with my STBX anymore..........it's a liberating feeling! It's like I've awoken from a 15 years nightmare where I was controlled and really didn't have many thoughts of my own.

 

Peace!

[bestadvisor]

FUnny thing is 14 years ago when her Mom cheated on her Dad, left him for this guy and is now still married to him, it destroyed my wife and many years of our marriage. She hated her Mom a long time for what she did.............her Mom and this guy would show up to the kids b-day parties and such, laughing and carrying on to project the image that life was great in utopiaville..............what a pharce, everyone knew it so it was silly to pretend but they did anyway 'cause they were nervous I guess. Now, my STBX does the same thing. What a joke!

 

What a relief I am not with my STBX anymore..........it's a liberating feeling! It's like I've awoken from a 15 years nightmare where I was controlled and really didn't have many thoughts of my own.

 

Peace!

 

Doesn't it make you wonder how "sane" some people can be? Maybe someday she will wake up and hate herself. So, how are things going with you new woman of yours?

[Darth Vader]

Darth-

 

Thanks for the note. I'm pretty much at the point where I've come to terms with my settlement and am just ready to move on and not rock the boat any longer. My STBX is so unstable anything could set her off, and, if I found out there never was an affair, she could get much more than she's getting.

 

My divorce is final in just a little over a week and I'm just looking forward to the future and want to put this behind me.

 

Last night, one of my daughters was talking on her cell phone around 10:30pm which isn't allowed (9pm is cutoff), I asked her who it was and apparently her Mom called then put the OM on the phone with my daughter...................I'm sure it was directed at me and I have to admit it hurt to know that my daughter is talking with this jerk. I'm sure she's trying like crazy to get the kids to accept him.

 

I communicated to my STBX that he was not allowed to talk with the kids the week I had them, and, that if I needed to I'd communicate it to him personally as I know where he works and have no problem confronting him. She told me he wouldn't be talking to the kids anymore during my week with them.

 

What a flippin drama queen my STBX is...................so superficial................makes like everything is a party, laughing and carrying on. FUnny thing is 14 years ago when her Mom cheated on her Dad, left him for this guy and is now still married to him, it destroyed my wife and many years of our marriage. She hated her Mom a long time for what she did.............her Mom and this guy would show up to the kids b-day parties and such, laughing and carrying on to project the image that life was great in utopiaville..............what a pharce, everyone knew it so it was silly to pretend but they did anyway 'cause they were nervous I guess. Now, my STBX does the same thing. What a joke!

 

What a relief I am not with my STBX anymore..........it's a liberating feeling! It's like I've awoken from a 15 years nightmare where I was controlled and really didn't have many thoughts of my own.

 

Peace!

 

 

That's messed up, BIG TIME! I was talking about everything is final with the Divorce. WOW! Sounds like your wife could be related to Nitro! BOOM! She'll be thinking years later how she screwed it all up, you take care of those girls!

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Funny you mention the things she has done much like her Mom did.

 

Soon after me and my wife married, she told me a story about her dad cheating on her mom before her oldest brother was born. She told me if I ever did that to her, she would leave me without hesitation. She then cheats on me twice 5 years later. Go figure.

[confuzd]

Hey mike,

 

havent had time to catch up on your thread but as soon as I do, I will chime in. Hope your happy in your life, and all is well. gotta go.

 

confuzd

 

oh and same to you LMDG

[Mike1966]

Funny you mention the things she has done much like her Mom did.

 

Soon after me and my wife married, she told me a story about her dad cheating on her mom before her oldest brother was born. She told me if I ever did that to her, she would leave me without hesitation. She then cheats on me twice 5 years later. Go figure.

 

 

Amazing, isn't it? All through my divorce I've mentioned it to her a couple of times and, of course, she totally doesn't respond to it as it would actually have to make her think of what she's done and possible make her feel a little accountability.

 

Just goes to show you that anyone can justify anything in their own mind if they want to bad enough. My STBX totally blames me for everything in our marriage and really has not once owned up for anything.

 

She called me a few days ago and now wants to take possession of the entertainment center I have as I did agree to give it to her when she got a place that could hold it (it's big). However, this was before I inherited about 90% of our marital debt which is sizable, so, when the judgment is entered in about a week for our divorce, she'll get the office "no" for the entertainment center, unless she wants to buy it from me....!

[Mike1966]

Hey mike,

 

havent had time to catch up on your thread but as soon as I do, I will chime in. Hope your happy in your life, and all is well. gotta go.

 

confuzd

 

oh and same to you LMDG

 

 

Thanks, confuzed.

 

I just took a minute to catch up on your thread. Please keep me posted on your situation.

 

Wish me luck, this new gal I'm seeing and I are going somewhere "private" for the weekend which will be nice. We're really enjoying one another. Taking it as slow as possible, but at the same time we're both old enough, and experienced enough, to know what we want in a person so who knows where it will go.

[confuzd]

Hey Mike,

"private weekend" sounds nice (big ole stud)

 

Man times are so up and down for me. You should be happy your wife is still acting like a Bltch. Not sure if it would make a difference to you, but my wife is being very kind, remorseful, and loving, and it is making it hard for me.

 

I don't know why Im such a sucker for that, but I must admit it still affects me.

 

Yeah we had sex again, and I think it was more having to do with closure, I wanted to know where my mind was, and I admit it didn't really help.

 

I still care for my ex, but I do feel like this all happened for a reason , and that god brought this new woman into my life for a reason. I had a couple of flings before her which turned into some pretty fatal type attractions, but this new girl seems like the real deal.

 

Anyways here is what I think of your situation, and of course its only my opinion not that I had to tell you that. Because everything Im telling you may apply to me as well, but its just more clear when your looking at some one else. So in a way this may be a self evaluation as well.

 

It sounds to me as if you are latching on to this new woman (rebound) to get over the loss of your ex.

 

Im actually almost certain as a matter of fact. However that doesn't mean that your relationship with this new woman is of any less value. I think that you just really need to think rational, what I mean by that is that you should be aware that there will probably come a time when some off the wall feelings may hit you, and you should just be prepared for when that time comes.

 

You may start to look at this new girl different, not due to any fault of hers, and you should know how to handle that.

 

basically if you feelings start to change, after much of the dust settles which could take up to a year or even more, I think it would be a good idea to prepare for that.

 

By all means enjoy the new woman, she could be the love of your life, I hope she is, if not you will find yours eventually.

 

I hope you never have to regret anything in your life, and wish you the best.

 

confuzd.

[Mike1966]

Hey Mike,

"private weekend" sounds nice (big ole stud)

 

Man times are so up and down for me. You should be happy your wife is still acting like a Bltch. Not sure if it would make a difference to you, but my wife is being very kind, remorseful, and loving, and it is making it hard for me.

 

I don't know why Im such a sucker for that, but I must admit it still affects me.

 

Yeah we had sex again, and I think it was more having to do with closure, I wanted to know where my mind was, and I admit it didn't really help.

 

I still care for my ex, but I do feel like this all happened for a reason , and that god brought this new woman into my life for a reason. I had a couple of flings before her which turned into some pretty fatal type attractions, but this new girl seems like the real deal.

 

Anyways here is what I think of your situation, and of course its only my opinion not that I had to tell you that. Because everything Im telling you may apply to me as well, but its just more clear when your looking at some one else. So in a way this may be a self evaluation as well.

 

It sounds to me as if you are latching on to this new woman (rebound) to get over the loss of your ex.

 

Im actually almost certain as a matter of fact. However that doesn't mean that your relationship with this new woman is of any less value. I think that you just really need to think rational, what I mean by that is that you should be aware that there will probably come a time when some off the wall feelings may hit you, and you should just be prepared for when that time comes.

 

You may start to look at this new girl different, not due to any fault of hers, and you should know how to handle that.

 

basically if you feelings start to change, after much of the dust settles which could take up to a year or even more, I think it would be a good idea to prepare for that.

 

By all means enjoy the new woman, she could be the love of your life, I hope she is, if not you will find yours eventually.

 

I hope you never have to regret anything in your life, and wish you the best.

 

confuzd.

 

You're right, confuzed. If my STBX was acting the same as yours I may have done the same dang thing............I'm sure no knocking on you for how you feel. I sense that you have sadness as you likely have the reality now that, even though your wife is remorseful, if you went back to her you may in up in the same situation in a few years...........because of her, not you.

 

More and more I realize regarding my marriage to the STBX that she was the one who gave up, not me. We BOTH had our faults................I'd say it was more her, she'd likely say it was more me. However, in ANY marriage you will experience difficulting. That's why the COMMITMENT to the marriage is so important and that comes from a person's character, not a feeling.

 

Your'e 100% right about me and this new girlfriend. Actually, I've second guessed myself all the way along as everyone tells me not to date anyone. She makes me feel good, I care for her and she for me, she does have many of the qualities I'm looking for. I've had thoughts along the way like "how can I tell how I really feel for her"?? But, this time around, if I decide to marry again (and I likely will), my approach will be more based on thought than feeling. My requirements in a future mate are based on their religious beliefs first, my attraction to them, our personalities..........and so on.

 

Beyond that, it will be a decision, not some high-school romance where I pull an immature move and, because I "can" get them hooked on me I start pulling away and looking for the next challenge. I think that's one thing that drew me to my STBX.............I had been engaged before marrying her, but (and I try to say this with humility...truly) I'm a fairly nice-looking guy, always had girls and eventually the challenge of keeping them interested just wasn't there................which is a pretty friggin immature reason to move on. So, I'm guarding against it this time around and just trying to look past the "feeling" and more toward the reality of who that person is, there qualities, are we good friends who laugh, enjoy the same interests and have fun..........those types of things.

 

I'll post an update on my "private" weekend.

 

Take care of yourself, my friend, and stay in touch.

[Mike1966]

Just wanted to post an update for anyone following my situation.

 

I had a great weekend with my new "friend"..............okay, girlfriend ! We stayed at a secluded hotel, middle of the woods, nice drives, talks............nice dinner.............it was tons of fun.

 

I have had some issues recently with the STBX. They mainly stem from our custody agreement and time with the kids. I get them one week, her the next. For some reason, though my wife left me and didn't try to reconcile, my kids seem to be closer to her right now.

 

She's always been fun and probably more of a friend than a parent. She even made the comment to me today that the kids want to live with her full-time which really hurt me, but I realize they are kids and I just have to keep doing what I think is best for them. With their Mom, I'm sure "no" is seldom heard. I'm fairly easy going with them and try to have fun with them when I have them, and think we do, and I realize my STBX is also probably saying many things that just plain aren't true to get to me.

 

Anyway, my divorce is final later this week, so that chapter will be closed. I'm starting to realize, however, that if I want to have a good relationship with my teenage daughters I will likely need to try and team with the STBX as a parent, and try my best to get along with her for the kids sake. She seems to influence them, even how they feel about me so I suppose I'll try to get past any resentment for what she's done. The toughest issue for me is financial since I have to pay child support, have the kids 1/2 time, have the majority of our marital debt and am having to pay her a decent "property/alimony" settlement. So may things to be bitter about, but for my kids I definitely have to put it behind me.

[Mz. Pixie]

She's always been fun and probably more of a friend than a parent.

 

My ex thinks the same thing about me. My kids are younger and IMO he's just too strict with them. His new wife likes it when he lays down the law. The kids rarely misbehave when they are with me (honestly) so there is not alot of times I have to punish them.

 

What's a laugh is that I raised them for a good percentage of the time while he was off pursuing his hobbies and now that he wants to be involved, I'm too permissive. I was fine to raise them all of that other time!

 

Of course you have to co parent with her, and you should respectfully.

That doesn't mean you have to tell her about your business etc and that you guys have to converse about personal things.

[Mike1966]

My ex thinks the same thing about me. My kids are younger and IMO he's just too strict with them. His new wife likes it when he lays down the law. The kids rarely misbehave when they are with me (honestly) so there is not alot of times I have to punish them.

 

What's a laugh is that I raised them for a good percentage of the time while he was off pursuing his hobbies and now that he wants to be involved, I'm too permissive. I was fine to raise them all of that other time!

 

Of course you have to co parent with her, and you should respectfully.

That doesn't mean you have to tell her about your business etc and that you guys have to converse about personal things.

 

Thanks, Pixie!

 

In my situation, since my wife didn't work out of the home, she was the primary caregiver but, even when they were in diapers and I was working full-time, I was up with them as much as she was and have been there for them. That's what puzzles me about the way my kids are being sometimes, she crapped on me and left me in financial ruin but there just doesn't seem to be any sympathy for "dear old Dad"..............long as their Mom seems happy they seem okay.

 

I'm not that tough on them IMO...............we do things together, I let them have friends over, give them an allowance and likely don't require them to do enough for it.

 

I do agree with you about co-parenting.................you just have to make it work. We are just starting so it will be a work in progress for awhile until we get the hang of it.

 

Another thing I'm experiencing right now is that it seems my kids talk with my STBX about me or situations at my place, she even asks about them, but I'm never told nor do I ask what goes on at her place and I don't talk about her. Just seems like a double-standard and I hope it goes away because it's annoying.

 

I'm hesitant to say much at this point because it's still a few days before my divorce is final. I won't turn into an azz afterwards, but I will let my X know that what goes on when the kids are with me doesn't concern her................unless it's a discipline issue or something ongoing that will involve us both, not just my personal life.

[Cobra_X30]

I do agree with you about co-parenting.................you just have to make it work. We are just starting so it will be a work in progress for awhile until we get the hang of it.

 

Couple items of note. You and your STBXW are supposed to be parents... not friends. This isnt a popularity contest. They are teenagers and will try to push boundaries to get and do what they want. Its critical you both step up to the plate on this.

 

My sister went through the same crap, and there was nobody to provide discipline. She was in rehab by the age of 17! I'm sure your thinking... not my kids. Just be aware of the possibility, because you just lost a huge chunk of access to them.

 

Also, it is your business what goes on at your wifes house, so far as it pertains to the kids! I'd straight up require full background checks for any guy your wife puts them in contact with!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm hesitant to say much at this point because it's still a few days before my divorce is final. I won't turn into an azz afterwards, but I will let my X know that what goes on when the kids are with me doesn't concern her................unless it's a discipline issue or something ongoing that will involve us both, not just my personal life.

 

Good idea. I told my kids that I wasn't asking them to keep important secrets from their dad but what goes on at my house is our business and what goes on at his house is his, unless we're talking an issue about them.

 

It's been a couple of years since my divorce and we're just really getting to the point where we can get along better. For a long time there was friction on his end- ugly emails, etc- even after he remarried.

 

Perhaps your kids are confused????

[Mike1966]

Good idea. I told my kids that I wasn't asking them to keep important secrets from their dad but what goes on at my house is our business and what goes on at his house is his, unless we're talking an issue about them.

 

It's been a couple of years since my divorce and we're just really getting to the point where we can get along better. For a long time there was friction on his end- ugly emails, etc- even after he remarried.

 

Perhaps your kids are confused????

 

 

Yes, there is possibly some confusion for the kids. I'm sure they're affected by everything but they don't say so and don't really want to talk with me about it.

 

My STBX is a fun person, always has been..............but she's also very tempermental, highly emotional and gets upset when things aren't the way she wants them.................most places we went, things we did, had to be her idea, if she didn't like something or didn't want to do it, she was no fun to be around. She has always had an issue with flying off the handle at the kids over things which seemed minor just because they annoyed her. I guess that's what's puzzling..................that they seem so close to her even though she's that way yet I have had to try much harder to stay close to them.

 

I do believe that part of the issue is the things my wife says to me, like the kids want to live with her full-time. They may have told her that, I don't know, but my STBX has ALWAYs had trouble telling the WHOLE truth. I would hear it, my family would hear it..................she ALWAYS exaggerated things that happened to make them funnier or more interesting. Just like this past weekend when she wanted to change our drop-off schedule to make it easier on the kids...........when in reality she just wanted to make it easier on her and her boyfriend. When I called her on it, she lost her temper and thought I was nuts but it was so obvious I'm like "are you mental, or something"??

 

Anyway, I do want to try and get along with her. Any tips on how to proceed with my kids is appreciated. My goal is to be a Dad and disciplinarian but yet have their respect and a good relationship with them. I was talking with my counselor and I guess even though we share joint custody my STBX will have to agree for the kids to go to counseling, which I think they should, we'll see.

[Mike1966]

Couple items of note. You and your STBXW are supposed to be parents... not friends. This isnt a popularity contest. They are teenagers and will try to push boundaries to get and do what they want. Its critical you both step up to the plate on this.

 

My sister went through the same crap, and there was nobody to provide discipline. She was in rehab by the age of 17! I'm sure your thinking... not my kids. Just be aware of the possibility, because you just lost a huge chunk of access to them.

 

Also, it is your business what goes on at your wifes house, so far as it pertains to the kids! I'd straight up require full background checks for any guy your wife puts them in contact with!!!

 

Thanks.

 

That's my idea too......................I just need to stick to it and love them through this and I think we'll be okay. Sometimes I freak a little when the STBX makes comments about the kids wanting to be with her instead of me................I know it could be lies or even that they just say it cause they think she wants to hear it. She has amazing emotional control over my kids................they so much want to see her happy cause she can be a raving bit#h if she isn't.

 

I did check out the boyfriend pretty thoroughly and he does sound like a decent guy. I guess you never know but I've checked him out as much as I can.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks.

 

That's my idea too......................I just need to stick to it and love them through this and I think we'll be okay. Sometimes I freak a little when the STBX makes comments about the kids wanting to be with her instead of me................I know it could be lies or even that they just say it cause they think she wants to hear it. She has amazing emotional control over my kids................they so much want to see her happy cause she can be a raving bit#h if she isn't.

 

I did check out the boyfriend pretty thoroughly and he does sound like a decent guy. I guess you never know but I've checked him out as much as I can.

 

 

Poor Guy! I really feel for him, he has NO Idea what he's getting himself into! Maybe someone should warn him!