recently separated from wife.... ??

[Gunny376]

Because you allowed her to be SAHM (stay at home mom) all these years, you may up having to pay alimony ~ but I seriously doubt that it will be to the tune of $24K for five years, more like half that amount for two to three years.

 

She's seriously dislussional, and no-where close to being in touch with the real world.

 

You need an lawyer yesterday. DO NOT say anything, agree to anything, sign ANYTHING! From this point ANYTHING you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law ~ Hell even things that you don't say or do can and will be used against you.

 

The other thing ~ enough of Mr. Niceguy ~ I'm not saying to become an azzhat, just firm, determined and rsolute. And you're right you should have learned how to say no years ago ~ but that's all water over the damn and under the bridge now ~ right?

 

What you need to be doing now is thinking about the future ~ that of yours and your children.

 

Forget about her vielded threats about vistation. And, by the way? Why aren't you seeked full custody. The reason mommies get custody 90% of the time is because fathers lay down and don't seek custody. But in the 10% of the cases where they do see custody, their awarded it 90% of the time.

 

Your God fearing, church going, involved in your children's lives, schooling, community events, with steady employment and a good income. You're not the one walking around with their heads in the clouds? With their mind off in la~la land.

 

And, LJ's right ~ don't allow yourself to become engaged in emotional conversation with her ~ you'll lose everytime. From what you've stated you get angry when cornered emotionally ~ so don't even go there.

 

This business of your taking all the bills, and her living off $2000 a month (that's after tax my friend ~ although alimony can be written off come April 15 ~ child support {also after tax} can't. By the time you pay the bills, $2K alimony, + child support, etc you're going to be eating bologna three times a day!

 

On top of that you don't know what the next five years are going to bring. You're not a spring chicken you know. The stock market tanks, another 9/11 or worse happens, your health goes South?

 

If it were me? She get child support, half the bills, and have a nice of the forever the rest of your life without me.

 

When your creditors find out your going through a divorce they get very concerned. The way the scenario works out for a lot of peoople is

 

First - sepearation

 

Second - divorce

 

Third - Slow pay ~ damaged credit

 

Fourth ~ Something comes along that tips the cart off into the ditch ~ bankruptcy, foreclosure

 

Fifth ~ Problems with the IRS ~ it just keeps going from bad to worse.

 

A little bedtime story.

 

Fox news just reported on a guy who went through a divorce after fourteen years of marriage. He was in the real estate business with the wife.

 

Same song and dance, she wanted out. He buy her out of her half of the house, her half the business. He suspected infidelity, but all the PI could find was her going to work, shopping with her best friend, going home, hanging out over at her best friends house.

 

When all is said and done? The inks dried on the D papers, the XW moves in with her best friend, takes her last name, and they set up house. Except he's on the hook for about $1400 a month (CA) for alimony.

 

He goes back to court, and says that in effect for all practical purposes she's re-married. Wants the court to drop the alimony.

 

The court rules, that since CA doesn't recoginized same sex unions, marriages ~ that he's on the hook until the EX either dies or marries a man!

[Mike1966]

Thanks all for the advice.

 

More updates.

 

Talked to the wife last night and finally we went back to the original agreement, me giving her 1/2 my check for 2 yrs, child support for the rest of the time and splitting the debt down the middle other than she gets a vehicle which is paid for, I get the one we owe money on.

 

Got legal advice also, won't post the details in case somehow my wife stumbles across this forum and this thread, but, trust me...........the above financial scenario is a far better deal than I'll get if we duke it out in court. Again, I wont' mention details but in my state, one of the worst in the US for men, I'd get my head handed to me.

 

Weird thing is we got along this morning when we spoke about finalizing things, then, I took lunch out to her while she was cleaning the house we're selling. We had a nice lunch and actually discussed other things than US and/or divorce-separation.

 

She didn't want to talk about the divorce right now, she's so stressed out by life right now its amazing. Any little thing sets her off. I do really thing she needs to see someone about depression or other possible emotional problems and I feel for her.

 

If you think I'm waffling or softening because of my above statements...............don't. I can get along with my wife, be kind and compassionate which is my nature, and at the same time if she wants to draw up a divorce agreement I'm ready to sign it and move on. Still hurts some but I'll be okay.

 

I'm to the point where i really don't care if there is an affair. Knowing her, even with all that's been said back and forth here, I highly doubt it. Maybe so, who knows. Sure doesn't seem like it. In any case, at the end of the day if that's what she wants there's not a damn thing I can do about it and it makes no difference as far as divorce settlements are concerned so I'm not going to go insane thinking about it anymore. Once the PI uses up the retainer I paid him, I'm through worrying about it.

 

I'll keep everyone posted, thanks for the support.

[Gunny376]

JHC! When the ink is dried on the divorced papers, please let us know in what State it is that the wife gets half your income + child support (after you've paid out the azz for taxes) for five years plus!

 

I want to make damn sure I don't move nor live there!

 

You need to talk to at least two other divorce lawyers!

[Mz. Pixie]

JHC! When the ink is dried on the divorced papers, please let us know in what State it is that the wife gets half your income + child support (after you've paid out the azz for taxes) for five years plus!

 

I want to make damn sure I don't move nor live there!

 

You need to talk to at least two other divorce lawyers!

 

Exactly. We'd like to know.

[Ladyjane14]

Divorce settlements aren't ALL about finances. Did you discuss with your attorney any provisos having to do with child visitation and custody? Have you set it up so that she can't have a live-in boyfriend around the children?... Or overnight, opposite-sex "friends".

 

The settlement is a contract, just like any other, except that the court will review it and make certain it meets whatever legislative requirements that are specific to your state. So... if you don't want SOME GUY shacking up in the same house with your daughters, you can establish that now.

 

You know, I was about the same age as your girls when my parents split. My father was real busy with his new family, and my mother was real busy with her personal life. Luckily, she met and married a man, (albeit a very brief marriage), who made it his business to look out for me and my siblings. I can't begin to tell you how many of my mother's friend's might have 'made a move' if it wasn't for his paternal presence in my life. He made it crystal clear to all and sundry that he had NO PROBLEM beating a guy into a bloody pulp should he take it upon himself to behave inappropriately. Hell, even my little boyfriend's each got stiff-armed at least once and told to mind their manners.

It's more than 30 years later now, and he's still a beloved part of my family. I got lucky.

 

But... you've described your STBX as a bit of a princess, and I have to wonder if she won't be so busy doing the "happy-fun-mom" thing, that she'll not be fully cognizant of the dangers surrounding these vulnerable teen girls. Not to wind you up or anything... but your divorce agreement needs to provide them with as much protection as possible.

 

On another note, she still might get out there and decide later on that she wants to come home. So, even though you're going forward with the paperwork on the divorce, I think it's okay to "keep the door open" as long as you're feeling like you might still want her back. The "Plan A + 180's" we talked about earlier can keep the door propped open for a little while longer. Plus, the same tools that make you a more attractive alternative to wreck and ruin, also move you a little further on down the pike to self-healing.

 

The trick to keeping your options open... is to try and stay out of 'the red' for as long as you can. Waywards make withdrawals from your "Love Bank", but they don't make deposits.

So, it's up to you to keep her from breaking your bank. Limiting her opportunities to do emotional damage can help. Now, that's not strict avoidance or NC, that's just controlling the interactions so they don't get out of hand like what we talked about in the "hit and run" strategy.

[Mike1966]

Okay,

 

Here's as much as I can share of the details for divorce settlement in my state. The big rub is this, first, being male, it's like your instantly castrated when you enter the courtroom.

 

My situation is a little more unique in this day and age I guess, in that, my wife has never worked outside the home our ENTIRE married life............for 15 years. She got a 3 month certificate out of high school and worked in the airline industry for about 4 years before we were married.

 

I make a pretty good salary for the area we live in..............so, many things are considered. The standard of living I was providing for her............in our marketplace, with her current education level, she will probably be able to start out earning less than 25% of what I make in salary. That's a big deal in the divorce settlement. It means, if I didn't take the existing deal, I'd likely pay alimony if she wanted to get a 4-year college degree and it may not stop then. Doesn't seem fair but that's the law here. Child support is a fixed percentage of the pay so it is what it is. PLUS I would likely inherit ALL of our debt and she would get none, and, we have some debt to payoff.

 

The other thing is child custoday. I'm close to my girls and believe I've been a good father to them, but, almost in all cases if the mother wants sole custody she will get it. I would likely get an every other weekend with the kids scenario for visitation....................right now, we would file for Joint Custody and I get the kids every other week.............this is HUGE to me.

 

I hope this helps to better understand the decision I'm prepared to make if we divorce. Also, I was advised not to do the legal separation because you can't divide up marital assets at that point and I'm not sure about any time limit being set for maintenance/support.

 

My wife and I talked this morning when I tood the kids by and I just told her I dont want to be in limbo any longer...................that we can get the divorce or possibly the legal separation (not sure of that one) but we need some sort of agreement.

 

I still love my wife..................actually had a bad moment last night when I had a mental fashback, coming home to my wife smiling at me, like nothing was wrong.........still loved me......I called her and talked with her about it. I was very emotional and it was one of the toughest times for me since we've separated. We had too much love and too many good times to be able to erase them all in 2 months time. She listened and I think was touched by my feelings................but responded "I just don't know what I want right now". Brings tears to my eyes as I type it.................I do still love her..........at the same time I cannot keep going without ANY commitment from her and though I don't agree with divorce I'm not going to hold it up any longer.

 

Weird..............I honestly don't feel this has anything to do with another man. And as for her bringing someone home that was a loser and who would be bad for the kids..............her morality seems to be at an all-time high. Not that it can't happen or I that will approve of whoever it may be, but she's always talked of very admirable qualities that she admires in different men-friends we've had over the years. First and foremost belief in God, good husband, loving, good father........she doesn't drink or party at all.

 

If she does choose someone else very soon, and it's probably likely since I do believe she's always needed alot of attention from me (and men), hopefully it'll be a quality guy. My wife has always liked to be noticed, you know, so I doubt she can go as long as she thinks without someone else. Or, maybe she'll come back to me, but, I must admit I won't be waiting around for her emotionally.

 

I've already had thoughts of dating other people after we divorce. As I've metioned, I've always enjoyed the companionship of a woman and don't see myself sulking around and crying in my beer about a divorce if it happens. That may not sound right, but, emotionally, I feel like I've been tied by a rope to the bumper of a truck and drug around town all night long. I just don't know what's left. I would still bear down and work things out with my wife at this point if she wants to but it would be out of commitment to our marriage, not some gooey feeling that I have of love for her. I feel so hurt and betrayed..............it's crazy.

 

She just seems like she thinks there's this stress free life out there that she will have if she's not married to me. She has been getting togethe with some girlfriends for coffee and such (the friends are married) which I think is great. She should have done more of that when we were together. I told her this on the phone last night. Why get divorced or stay separated? Why not just change the marriage for the better to allow more individuality? She just seems bent on the divorce thing and unfortunately patience is not one of my wifes strong suits...............matter of fact it was one of my nicknames for her (in jest).

 

Enough rambling. Hopefully I've shed some light as to why I'm making the decisions I am regarding a divorce settlement.

[Gunny376]

Don't take it that we're questioning your judgement ~ you're the man on the ground. Its easy to "Monday-morning quarterback" from Washington D.C. when you're not the guy that's taking in-coming in Iraq.

 

And LJ's right, there more to divorce than dividing up assets and finances her points are valid across the board regarding post-divorce life.

 

But being Vet's where just throwing things at you for you to take into consideration. I don't take it personal that you don't follow every bit of advice that I throw at you.

 

If you did it my way 100%? It wouldn't be pretty and it wouldn't be fun. Matter of fact it get down right ugly ~ I've got friends that have quit well paying jobs they've had for years to keep from supporting some princess of an ex-wife. They take care of their children ~ pay child support, etc. But they took less paying jobs to keep some EX from being parasites.

 

All in all I guess per your residency you've struck the best deal you can.

 

Your case is why IF I ever do get married again, the wife will work a job. And I probally wouldn't even care what she spends the money she earns from it on. She'd at least tote the note on her car payment, her clothes, and her HSN and QVC junk.

 

And, your right to be cautious about the wife finding LS and this thread. THIS has happened at least once up on the divorce/seperation fourmn!

[Reckless]

okay, well if its going to be this fast then its going to be this fast - I don't know much about the legalities but one thing is clear, neither of you is ready...

 

two months is far to quick to end a marriage and although your wife has been thinking stewing and planning for months maybe years, she's still riding on emotion at the moment and the momentum won't let reality kick in until later. Her 'I don't knows' are about life's complications piling a little but since she won't suffer financially and is, essentially enjoying the first thrill of independence she'll be fine. She's wanted this for a long time, you just didn't know it and she will continue to want it until you take away the only thing that she does still want from you, your friendship.

 

As for you, you are not kicking against the speed because essentially as you said you are in limbo, you still love her and the agony of wondering if she can rekindle a little love in return is killing you. I'm really sorry but it doesn't look like you should hold out much hope but if you want to be sure, if you want to see if there are a few embers that deep down could be rekindled - pull back.

 

You were missing her so you called her with your pain; this, if you were both working towards reconciling i guess would be acceptable but although it is totally understandable, its time to call a friend/minister/councellor/priest/agony aunt or whatever with your pain because needy is undesirable - remember why she wants out - supposedly to spread her wings, do what SHE wants, enjoy life without you sucking her dry - well, when you call you remind her she made the right decision.

 

She does care for you, it would be impossible not to care for the father of your children who is by all accounts a thoroughly decent guy, but the only way to see if she can WANT you again is to pull back and see if she steps towards you. Of course, signs are she'll scream: "whoopeee", start the victory boogie and move out of State but if she has any feelings at all she'll take a mini step towards you and you'll see she at least misses you.

 

I wouldn't normally advise to pull away but frankly, you have no TIME to play the 'I'll be the tender understanding reformed husband and show you how much I really appreciate you", you guys are drawing up papers so I would say be polite decent, business like and remote, discuss finances and the children's well being and offer (or demand) no emotional support whatsoever.

 

In short, behave exactly as you would if you were remarried to somebody else and madly in love. This won't mean you won't go through the grieving process but you will keep a sense of self and avoid spinning into the bitterness that would poison any chance of a reconcilation. I doubt, from what you have said if your wife is having an affair (her lover is by all accounts the life she imagines having without you) if you want any chance for her to find being with you more attractive than being without you, you have to give her a taste of what being WITHOUT you feels like and since you guys are speeding towards the finishing line you have to do this NOW.

[Mike1966]

Thanks for the posts.

 

At this point, my wife and I last spoke two days ago on whether or not we were moving forward with divorce. I feel like a puppet on a string. If she wants the divorce, as long as she's halfway fair about the settlement details, I'm ready to give it to her.

 

I don't believe in divorce and, though I don't feel much love for her right now, i don't think divorce is the answer. At the same time, the last two months have been like somebody died. Like I lost my best friend. She is not the person I was even married to 2-3 months ago.........completely different.

 

Even though I don't feel much love for her, I;m still committed to work through it if she wants to try. However, I won't go back to what we had for fear of waking up when the kids leave the house in 5 years and she leaves me again. We BOTH need to work on our shortcomings to make it work but my wife will not talk to anyone about this and pretty much seems to blame me for everything.

 

I have already started healing emotionally. I would put the effort into making it work, but I have to confess, if she wants it to be over I'm ready to sign the paperwork. Holding onto her and hope when she says she doesn't love me and doesn't know what she wants is very painful emotionally. Not to mention, she goes back and forth on financially wanting to take me to the cleaners...............when in reality, she is more of the reason IMO for our financial issues than I am.

 

Though i wouldn't begin to date until our marriage was officially over, I have feelings of wanting to find someone I don't have to try so damn hard to please. I realize i have my shortcomings, but have felt that I have done my best to provide a good living, love and please my wife all these years and it just wasn't enough. The more I think about it, the more i realize (and I'm not being nasty) that I believe my wife plainly cannot deal with the stress of ordinary life. Don't know exactly why but she has no patience, seems to have the need to be in total control of events and people, and when it doesn't happen the way she wants she can't handle it.

 

Anyway, I'll keep updating through this. it's been sad lately as my kids seem closer to her than me, I guess a little natural between a mother and her daughters. Makes me wonder what is being said about me?? I know this is a forum and none of us really know each other, but I feel I've been a very kind and loving father to them, walked them into the classroom over the years when they had a tough morning at school, played with them, gave them a lot of love.............................maybe when i get moved back into my own place (I close on my house next week) they will feel more at home with me. We've been staying with my parents during my week with them and I know it's been a little hard on them.

 

Anyway, your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

[Mike1966]

One more thing....

 

No question my wife is going to get her space. While I would reconcile with her if she was ready to roll up her sleeves and work on things, I'm emotionally ready to move on. Maybe this is happening to quick, but, when your wife tells you she doesn't love you and wants out, then tells you she wants a divorce 4-5 times in 2 months, it tends to make you wish it was just over and done with. You kind of lose heart.

[Darth Vader]

It sounds like she has a narcissist attatude, people like that manipulate others to get what they want, whatever way they can do it. Question, has/is your wife considered High Maintenance?

Have you thought about getting a Mens Rights Lawyer?

Lastly, you're starting to MOVE ON!!!!!!!

[confuzd]

Oh my goodness,

 

I haven't read your thread in a while but all I see is Divorce Divorce, Divorce.

 

I hope you know the more you focus on divorce the faster you will get it.

 

While the advice given here is great for some, I have to ask you mike what do you truly want.

 

Because if you want to save your marriage, which I suspect because why else would you be posting here. Then you need to discard alot of this advice immediately. I really don't care if they get mad, this is about you and what you want for your life.

 

You need to quit all talks about divorce, yes get your councel to protect yourself but you have go to change your outlook ASAP.

 

Your wife is so far out there she has no idea what she wants, you can save this thing but you have damaged it alot by the way you have been handling it.

 

I am not saying that I am perfect, your a christian so I gather that you beleive only one person has ever been perfect, but I see so much possibility for you.

 

Right now your hope is gone, and its because all you focus on is divorce.

 

Stop arguing with your wife.

 

Here is what I would do if I were you, first you need some hope and inspiration. I would get myself over to the DB website and start reading all the stories of wives who have filed for divorce and stopped it or even went through with it and still got back with their husbands because through it all their husbands showed them unconditional love.

 

once you have your fill of hope and you see that your situation is not so uncommon, its time to start playing copy cat.

 

you need to do the things that work,

 

I will tell you it is not talking about divorce, and it is not being abrasive, it is not having negative thoughts about the love of your life, and it is not about telling yourself that you are innocent and did nothing wrong.

 

You need to do a total 180, I would ask the wife for some time. when she comes with the paperwork look in her eyes and say something along the lines of "wow you are so determined, I have never seen this side of you I have to admit I am impressed by your tenacity and I have alot of respect for you" tell her that you still love her, only because I don't think you've said this in a while. Let her know that there is no rush for the divorce.

 

She seems stressed about it, so stop brining it up. It seems like you are pushing for it almost as hard as she is.

 

if she does stop talking abou the divorce this is your opportunity to change the tides, I would lovingly back off of her and give her time to think.

 

Make one last gesture of your love for her, tell her your thoughts of the future and starting over from scratch, very confidently put your thought out there. after you have done this then back off and let her think

 

You have now left on a good note and anything she does is on her.

 

I see so many signs that she is just a confused woman, you have to be more intuned to it.

 

If you really and truly don't care anymore than by all means carry on with the divorce but if you truly love your wife, and not just because of your religion than stop doing what your doing.

 

because the way things are going you are heading to a divorce for sure.

[confuzd]

here I'll get you started,

this guy went through hell and back, but is just one of many that have saved their marriage

 

click here

 

listen to the advice he gets its night and day from what you are getting, which is probably a reason he stayed positive, hopeful, and actually saved his marriage,

 

In the end isnt that what this is all about.

 

(oh by the way the story moves through several different links, so you may have to click his name and find all his posts to piece his entire story together.)

[tommyr]

The other thing is child custoday. I'm close to my girls and believe I've been a good father to them, but, almost in all cases if the mother wants sole custody she will get it. I would likely get an every other weekend with the kids scenario for visitation....................right now, we would file for Joint Custody and I get the kids every other week.............this is HUGE to me.

 

I don't want to sound cruel to a guy in pain... but the above is totally 100% wrong. Did your lawyer tell you that mother always gets sole custody? If so fire his or her ass immediately.

 

Unless the man is abusive or somehow unable to be a decent father, the courts will almost always provide joint custody.

 

I hope you are not just opening your checkbook to the wife in the misguided belief that she has "offered you" something with a joint custody agreement.

[Mike1966]

Thanks for the comments.

 

Yes..........from my posts you can probably sense that I am emotionally beaten down. Still not sure how to proceed. I suppose maybe I didn't give my wife enough space............I'm far from perfect, that's for sure.

 

In my case, there has been the threat of financial disaster should I not comply with divorce. It may seem minor, but, what is happening is that I'm going to be given ALL our debt which is substantial, with no assets to sell off, plus, pay substantial alimony and support. Is this too important to me? I'm not sure. Should I have said, "oh well, get an attorney then", and let the chips fall where they may.........I don't know.

 

My wife wants out, bad, and wants me to accept responsiblity for every mistake our whole married life. At this point she cannot deal with anything or anyone which causes her stress or in reality goes against her wishes in any way shape or form. This whole thing has been about her, I feel I've given everything I could, including supporting her financially through it all though I could have just said "tough, move out and pay for it yourself".....though I'm sure a judge would have quickly intervened on her behalf.

 

It appears the divorce is moving forward like an unstoppable freight train. I have offered many times to stop it, but truthfully and afraid of the outcome of a divorce fought it court where I likely would lose visitation time with my kids and likely be placed into more financial ruin than I already am.

 

I read some of the information on divorce busters...........great stuff. In my case, maybe my attitude pushed divorce, I'm not sure. But, as I remember it, I gave my wife every option of not going through with it. And, I tried to maintain no contact for a period of time but she would call for various reasons and yes, at times, we would argue which was not good. I definitely need to control my temper.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice and I'll keep everyone posted.

[Darth Vader]

Mike, what about getting a Mens Rights Lawyer? Have you even looked into it? I would, it sounds like you have a lot to lose. If she was to do a 180 on you, like it has been told in these forums, it could be even worse than what your current lawyer has told ya. Look into it, what do you have to lose?

[confuzd]

That's what sucks about divorces, it automatically pits the opposing parties against eachother.

 

The whole premise of divorce is very conflictual, both of you will be forced to prove cases, and may be forced to say negative things towards eachother.

 

I don't know the law but I would definitely get appropriate counsel, I don't think her plans are going to pan out.

 

As far as the other man, you really need to let that go. There is not a dam# thing you can do about that. If that is the deal breaker for you , I totally understand, but it is going to drive you crazy worrying over it.

 

I would call off the PI, snooping is one of the cardinal no no's in trying to save a marriage. If that is no longer your goal then I understand.

 

I hope you don't think I think bad of you, you have been strong and if you have reached your limit that so be it, you have learned a great lesson and are a better person because of it.

 

I still am not 100% sold on the fact that your wife knows what she is doing, yes she wants a divorce, yes you have helped to push her towards that decision.

 

The questioning about where she was and all that, Man that is not good stuff, that is exactly why she wants to get out of the situation. You are so filled with drama right now that the prospect of another drama free man (which we all know will not stay that way) or just a drama free single life, is all the more appealing to her right now

 

You are not making your self attractive right now, It would be much more attractive,(and when I say attractive I am not talking about looks) I am talking about the nature of attraction, the ability to draw her to you. for you to simply tell her that if she wants the divorce then do what you need to do, I am sorry I pushed you to this extreme, I see where I went wrong in the marriage (maybe give some clear concise examples) tell her that you don't want this to be ugly, hell you don't want this at all. Tell her that you still love her and don't want to hurt her but you have to protect yourself in the process. I wouldn't divulge to much info on what that means as far as protecting yourself, just let her know that you will protect yourself.

 

I would stop all talks about another man, she believes that this is all about you, so when you ask about another man she is thinking that you are not getting the point. Because really it is not about another man, if you were to change, this other man would not stand a chance to you. You are armed with the knowledge that he will falter and they will have problems as well.

 

get your legal consultation, and let her do the rest. Back off very lovingly, stop with all the words, you have not given her a minute to breathe and think about what she is doing. If you can control yourself and your emotions, not argue with her, understand where she is coming from, and show her love and respect through out the divorce.

 

she will either not go through with it, or she will go through with it and then will have a revelation somewhere donw the road that she was way to hasty. she has not had the space to think about anything.

 

I know you are scared, tired, and if you want to quit it does not make you less of a man or a christian.

 

it is so easy to see your wife as a princess, or a devious person, or someone out to hurt you. I think you know better though, she is still the same person you loved and that loved and honored you. She is just buried under so much hurt, pain and confusion that she is unrecognizable.

 

My suggestion, being that it is only worth as much as it costs you to take it, is to back off. BACK OFF VERY LOVINGLY. If you do this she will always have the final memories of a man that truly loved her, and would've went to the ends of the earth for her.

 

She will never get that from anyone else, and no other man will ever be able to live up to that final everlasting image of you. When her relationship goes sour, or she hits bumps in the road ahead, she will always think back to you and wonder if she made a mistake, and in the end if you do divorce you will probably always wish you would've ended it that way and that she thinks highly of you after she has moved on with her life.

[confuzd]

Hey Mike,

 

You okay man.

[PWSX3]

It's been a while since you have posted Mike, just wondering how things are going for "YOU"?

[Mike1966]

Hey everyone,

 

Sorry it's been awhile since I posted. I moved into my new home a little over a week ago, was supposed to be on vacation from worked but ended up having to go in every day and had my kids the whole week...............a little crazy!

 

We'll, quite a bit has happened. I'll be as brief as possible but fill you in and would like some input on my wifes prospective right now.

 

This past Friday, my wife and I still had a pending date with a divorce attorney (Sept. 11th of all days!), she came by, we talked quite a bit outside my new house. Didn't really argue, I have been doing better about not getting upset when she mentions controversial issues.

 

She said she wanted to tell me something but didn't want me to be upset..............I said for her just to tell me. She mentioned that she had called this guy "friend" I have mentioned in the past, the one she thinks alot of. Apparently, his wife has been cheating on him, but he's this great guy, do anything for anyone.........blah, blah, blah................told my wife I didn't want to hear it. I didnt' raise my voice, just told her to stop and that it hurt. Also spelled out for her that I felt that eventually they would be more than friends the way she thinks so much of him. Anyway, she needed to use my restroom, so we went inside my house.

 

Then, in the kitchen, we start talking about us, our feelings, a little bit of the past...............ends up she breaks down crying and hugs me hard enough to break a rib. I hug her back and we held each other for about 15 minutes. I had to call my office and say I'd be in for an appointment, she told me one of the things she always respected about me was my integrity. We then talked a little more and decided it would be a good idea for us to get together the next night, Saturday, 'cause our kids were both babysitting for someone from 6pm-midnight.

 

So............my wife dropped by pictures of my youngest from school during the day while I was organizing my garage. My parents were there, and it's not good between them right now with everything going on so I just went to get them from her vehicle. She said she was worried about my mother coming over and them getting into it.........I told her I would protect her emotionally.................this was a problem in the past, she always thought I didn't back her when it came to my family.

 

So, Saturday night, I pick her up, we take her vehicle and rather than talk decide to go see a movie. Rush Hour III....................it was hilarious..........we both laughed hard all the way through. It was great. She sat close to me and eventually wanted me to put my arm around her as she was cold.

 

Then, we went back to her place and sat on the couch for a little while, a little silence. She then asked if I wanted to make love to her.................I told her I was a little scared as I didn't want to disappoint her anymore and that apparently the intimacy in our marriage had not been what she wanted. So....................anyway, we did go back to her bedroom (I won't go into detail here but this is important to give you the full picture) and made love..............laying there for a few hours after holding one another............this was huge. I was always a "touch-me-not" afterwards before as I'm an insomniac and can't be touched when going to sleep. Now, hell, I'd go without sleep to hold her the rest of my life. I held her the whole time, slept off and on, just enjoying the moment.

 

We get a call at midnight, go pick up the kids. She mentions to me she's having dinner after church tomorrow and wanted to know if I wanted to come? I said sure, so I showed up, had dinner, then we all went shopping for my daughter's Homecoming dance coming up in 2 weeks. Had a great day,..................avoided holding hands so as not to confuse our kids who still were thinking we're getting divorced. We did go out on our own a little later that night, she held my hand, hugged me once and said she really enjoyed last night, took me by to say hello to an older gentleman she talks to when she walks (she's a softy when it comes to the elderly) and introduced me as her husband. Felt great.

 

Then...........the other shoe dropped, sort of, anyway. My wife calls last night to say that she didn't want me to misunderstand about the other night and that while she was deciding to love me, that she still did not feel love for me due to trust issues from the past. I asked her if those were the things that were stopping her from loving me and she said yes. I said okay and that I in no way though we were going to move in together after the weekend and that I really wasn't ready either. We did decide to put the divorce on hold for now (her choice).

 

I did ask my wife when picking up my kids for school today that, if she wouldn't mind, sometime, I would like to discuss what the trust issues are, exactly. I feel through this whole process that I've grown spiritually and in many other ways and just want to see what exactly my wife wants to see me overcome before the trust and feeling of love returns.

 

So, what I'm trying to figure out is, what is going on in my wifes head? I don't think she's trying to play me by putting the divorce off thereby starting the timeclock ticking on financial maintenance that I'll pay her. The way this past weekend played out seemed totally emotionally driven and by the way our conversation started Friday totally unplanned. I'd really like some feedback, especially from some gals who have felt this way, what my wife is feeling right now and what she needs to see in me at this point to trust me.

 

I feel I have become more independent through this process and I've tried to stop contacting her as much. It was a little different over the weekend after what happened and I was likely a little friendlier than normal and did tell her I missed her.

 

Anyway, your thoughts and comments are appreciated.

[confuzd]

good to hear from you mike, I can't tell you how happy I am about the turn of events in your situation

 

I never doubted for a minute that you could turn this around, and you did. What many might not realize is that your situation is so typical, even when you thought divorce was inevitable, on the outside I clearly saw that it was not, Im glad you were able to stepback, readjust, and become positive.

 

Your wife is still confused which is why she told you not to get your hopes up, (I wouldn't give that statement too much thought) she just said that because she is still unsure herself. remember believe 0 of what she says and 50% of her actions, and right now her actions are speaking pretty loud.

 

right now your best bet is to just validate, validate, validate. become the most understanding man she knows. If she has a problem, simply let her know you understand, and then reassure her. Make sure she knows you are not getting your hopes up, and that you are just enjoying her friendship whatever it may bring. She will feel so unpressured and will more than likely feel free to show you more attention if she knows you are not expecting anything from her.

 

Be cautious of her feelings going hot and cold, she may still withdraw hard but don't worry about it, it is just a sign of her uncertainty, your job is just to stay consistent and she will then gain more trust in you.

 

Keep a positive mind, no snooping, no arguing, no questioning.

 

You have given me alot of hope and inspiration.

 

One thing I have noticed is that the harder a person pulls back the harder they swing forward.

 

Your wife pulled back very hard on you, she was filing for divorce, my wife pulled hard but not that hard, and in turn she is swing forward just as slow. your wife seems to be coming forward harder because she pulled back harder. i could be totally off base her but I have noticed this pattern quite often.

 

anyways it really doesn't matter, keep it up you will be a success story, I know this for sure, like I have always said it is up to you to make that happen, and it seems like you really realize that now.

[Mike1966]

Thanks for your encouragement, confuzed. Even mentioning again to believe 0 of what you hear and 50% of what you see..........................it doesn't come easy but in time I realize it's true. So many things to think about.

 

Yes........validate, understand, show compassion............in my case don't let your temper rear its ugly head! Fight the good fight!

 

Another comment you make, keep positive, is so very important. I let my mind wander too far sometimes thinking about my wife and someone else holding her, or her admiring them more than me...........then I realize I love her enough that I'm committed no matter what. It is such a mental game and you have to be mentally tough to make it. I've blown it big-time when it comes to this letting my emotion get the better of me.

 

Hang in there, my friend. I hope in one year's time we will both be looking back (happily married!) on this thankful for what we've learned.

[Mike1966]

Was hoping to get some feedback from Mz Pixie, LadyJane or other gals who have been through this with their guy? I'm wondering about my wife's state of mind with our encounter this past weekend and if it could possibly mean a spark has ignited with respect to her feelings for me??

 

Any thoughts?

[Woggle]

She is playing you like a guitar. Please don 't set yourself up for heartbreak.

[Mike1966]

I've weighed out what you are saying. The last thing my wife is doing right now is calculating her moves, they are emotion driven. For her to be playing me, it would have to be a calculated move on her part, so I don't really agree with you.

 

Even if that is the case, with 15 years invested in my marriage, what's a few more months? I've already been through an emotional hell and have prepared myself to move on if I have to.

 

I'm in love with my wife, am trying to be her friend and meet her needs for now. She may not want to try again with me, I'm not sure. I just want to have looked back on this and know I've done the best I can.