new to this is there any hope?

[luv3sji]

Okay, here's the deal:

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 6yrs now. We started dating since highschool and have had our ups and downs, just like any normal couple. Well it seems to be that since our 1st born was born back in 2005, our relationship was heading down hill. We were constantly arguing and getting aggrevated with each other!.

 

Well I came to find out on my son's 1st birthday he left that same night, stating I was too "drunk", and he just could not stand seeing me like that. So he left and did not return until the next day... Yes! He was cheating, he had been with this other girl for about 3-5 months. They would see each other during and after work.He had taken all all the forms of communication away with him so obviously I never knew. But as a woman I felt it!

 

That's why he would pick fights. He stated that he cheated because I was a bitch with him. But come on, our first born was born ill, unable to swallow any foods. I was in and out of hospital with him. So it was not that I was a bitch, I just wanted some more help around the house, and with our son's hospital bills and visits.

 

Well I found out that he cheated and now had the girl pregnant, all thanks to Myspace. If not I would never have found out. Well the girl messaged me and told me she was pregnant with his child. I cried and felt as if my whole world had crumbled. I mean, had I been that much of a bitch to deserve him cheating, lying and now bringing another child to this world. I don't think so! Well I kicked him out and let him back in 2 weeks later for our sons' sake. Well it's now been 11 months and I still don't feel the same. I used to see him as my best friend, the one who I confided in, but now see him as just the father of my child.

 

I catch myself being mean to him, telling him how nasty he is. At times I even feel disgusted. But only for a couple seconds, and then I snap out of it. When he tells me he loves me I just say yeah I love you too, but I really don't mean it like I used to. I don't love him like I used to. Not thatI miss you so much when you leave my side, tingles in my belly, I love you with a passion type of love. Now it's more like words, that's it.

 

As for the girl, she ended up having an abortion and she is out of his life. But just a couple of days ago she messaged me on myspace telling me how ugly I was. Okay like that hurt my feelings, but I was the bigger person and didn't write her back. I left it alone and re-affirmed with my boyfriend that he was not seeing her anymore. He stated no so I believed him (he has been trying to make this all better, even the sex). I try to get over it but I just can't. I don't even think it's the whole sex part. It's more the lying and betraying my trust. I mean, did I deserve it that bad? To lie and have me worried all night, thinking he was at work?

 

By the way, all his friends knew and they all stated he just couldn't find the way to tell me. And that the girl is a psycho, so she wanted to break us up. She wanted him to buy her a car and give her money. Keep in mind she was only 18, and supposedly had been around the neighborhood She kept trying to get with him because she thought he had money to give her. When all he wanted was **** (Basically).

 

Well I guess my question is should I keep trying to make myself love him again, and try to trust him, or should I just give up and say "Hey, I tried"? It's so hard but I think I really don't love him anymore. He is a good father. Not at the beginning, but he has worked on it and I can't complain. A man of the house, it's always the same. He is now bringing home more money, taking little family vacations with is. We actually started going to church after all of this happened. We have been going every Sunday since!

 

I'm confused, and scared that if I leave him I will not find anyone to treat my son and I with the same type of love (the good part). Plus it's hard to trust anyone these-days,Everyone goes out to get pussy, not commitment. I would really love some advice and things to help me out. PLease help!

 

Oh and this was not the first time he lied to me about another woman. He was speaking to his ex about 1-2 months before this girl. She was also another myspace thing I came to find out about. He was talking to her because she wrote me saying let's met up next time you're in town. I looked at her comments and someone is telling her that they can't believe he is with me. So I go and look into their page and she wrote to them saying "yeah I know, I can't believe that either. Do you know they have a kid and that he asked me to get back with him?" So I confronted him about the whole situation and he showed me the messages that followed:

 

She wrote: "I wanna see you, I can't believe it's been so long - his name- I still have feelings for you, let's meet yp. Chill, see what happens. - my name - she won't find out. Plus it would be nice to catch up from where we left off. Don't be scared, I won't tell her. Plus I added her as a friend to take any suspicions off of her."

 

He wrote back "you're a crazy bitch and you need to stop writing to her and me because there is, and never will be anything between us. Move on, I love my family and I don't want you saying **** that isn't true".

 

She wrote "Why? Do you think she would leave you if you say that we meet up and just hung out"

 

He wrote "Look, stop writing, I told you before. I don't want this to seem like we are doing anything. I don't love you or want anything to do with you. I wrote you to see how you and your family are doing. Why do you think I didn't add you as a friend, you are nothing to me. Nothing. Just stop before my wife think otherwise. I'm sorry I ever wrote you but I didn't mean anything by it."

 

She wrote: "Whatever you ****ing retard. I'm giving you the opportunity to have sex with me and you don't take it well. Well **** you and your dumb ass family. Watch me destroy your precious family dumb ****!"

 

He wrote "Stop writing me, I'm going to delete you now".

 

And that was that. So, yeah I believed him. Now someone please help and give me guidance!

 

 

Theres now another addition to this story. He is asking me to marry him soon. I know about it because I saw him paying for my ring and he also told me. He wants to know how I feel.

 

The truth is I dont know how I feel. We are living together still and everything has been ok. But I still dont love him like I used too. Is it me? Or is it because im still not ready? Someone please HELP! What do I tell him?