Controlling Mother - i really need a lot of !

[arust029]

So heres the story. I am a 23 yr old Arab (Canadian) guy whos just graduated University and on my way to finding a job in my life career. I got engaged to a white Canadian girl (20 yrs old) whos also studying at my University. She's had a rough past, and now lives with two people who have adobped her. Her biological parents are in good terms with her, but her move to new parents is a long story. A story of neglect on her biological parents side.

 

My Mother came down to visit, and since she got here, she's been opposed to the relationship i have with this girl. Apparently shes got a dream of having us move back with our parents and becoming a family again (my mother and father are separated). She's been giving me hell about my fiancee because she's firstly in the way of my mom's agenda of us moving back in with her, and secondly because shes white, and shes 'not like us' and that was not appropriate.

 

My mothers opposition rapidly became worse. She would yell at me continuously during the day, and call back to my sisters (which live in another country) and complain to them. She'd even complain to my aunts and is slowly turning the family against my marriage plans.

 

My fiancee is having a VERY hard time with this. Not only did she do nothing to my family, and getting nothing but rejection from them. But it is EXTREMELY important to her that my family is on board, and that we have their blessings. She's struggled a lot with her family and she doesnt need more of it. My mom has no remorse...her dream is to see me break it off with my fiancee.

 

My fiancee and i are on the edge with this. We love each other so much, and we've been together for 3 years (but known her for 6). I've explained to my mother the importance of this relationship, but she doesnt care. She's even acted out a panic attack to make me feel bad that i am pushing my mother to the edge. My sisters then call me yelling at me because apparently i 'upset my mom, while shes there to visit'. My fiancee and i are extremely depressed about this. We've been together just crying about the situation because we both know this isnt what is supposed to happen. I feel like i have to pick between my fiancee and my family. If i was to pick my fiancee, she herself wouldnt be happy because she told me she could never live with herself knowing that she made me drop my parents out of my life for her.

 

My mom even took the situation to the point where she said 'it would be easier for me to hear that my son had been killed and baried rather than hear that he got married to a white girl'.

 

Can you believe this? What on earth do myself and my fiancee do? it feels like were in a loss eitherway, and even though we would have never dreamt it, our breakup looks like its in the distance...please help!

[arust029]

no one has any advice? i really need a lot of help with this

[Canuck1867]

What a dilemma.

 

Let me tell you of a similar situation I heard of recently.

 

A filipino coworker of mine has a nephew who's in love with an East Indian girl. They want to be married, however the girl's family is very opposed to the union. As you may know it's very common to have arranged marriages in the East Indian community. The girl's family wants to send her to India to be wed to someone she's never met.

 

So the nephew, the girl and my coworker came up with a plan. In the days leading up to her departure for India the girl's family kept a tight lid on her. They followed her to make sure she wouldn't run away. Now this girl is an elementary school teacher. One day a few weeks ago the girl told her family that she wanted to say goodbye to her students before leaving for India. She went to her school accompanied by her family. The family remained outside the school and classroom. She went in the classroom, opened the window and jumped to the ground where she ran across the field to her love in a waiting car driven by my coworker.

 

The couple are now together and they are happy. Her family retaliated. The girl has been cut out of a $10 million inheritance that was to be shared between her and her two brothers. I told my coworker that she should immediately consult a lawyer. But they are together and they are happy.

 

It's unlikely that your mother will come around. She was raised with cultural bigotry and it's part of her. The same bigotry probably runs in other members of your family.

 

So it's unlikely that your marriage will be accepted, or that your family will accept your fiancee - at least not in the short term. So you have to decide what will make you happy: being together or submitting to rascism and ignorance. If you love each other then you'll have to give up on your mother. If you don't marry you'll live to regret it.

 

You've just graduated so if you get a job you could be OK economically. You might have to support your wife until she graduates. Is there anyone in your family or your fiancee's family that can help you?

 

I hope this helps a bit. Best wishes.

 

Canuck1867

[Born Again]

Dear Arust029-

First off, congratulations on your graduation, that is something you should be really proud of! I wish you the best of luck in finding a career.

 

I read what is happening to you about your controlling mother and found out that we share two key things: we both have a very controlling mother, and we both have a mother who has a hard time accepting the Anglo-Saxon ‘Puritan’ culture. I think I can help you out quite a bit, as I am familiar with many of the problems you are now facing.

 

Your Mom, like all mothers, has her child near and dear to her heart. In your mother’s eyes, the fact that you are now engaged, means that she will be losing a son. That fact that your Mom appears to be a controlling type makes that all the worse, as she feels threatened by this woman. Another thing that your mother holds very near and dear to her heart is her culture, and the fact of you being engaged to a non-Arab further amplifies your Mom’s fears. It represents another threat for your mother- she is not only afraid of losing a son, she is also afraid that you will lose your Arab heritage, culture, language, religion, etc. She is afraid that it will all be lost and not passed down to the next generation.

 

Other than the Arab culture and children, what other things does your Mom have in her life? Does she have a career? If I were to guess, I would say probably no. Try to understand where your Mom is coming from. She is probably also insecure, as controlling types are almost always insecure folks. They try to control all the details in life, because they are afraid and unable to cope with unknown situations. Although you need to cut Mom some slack, you also need to fight for what you want out of life. If you truly love this girl, you need to follow your heart, that is really the only way you will find happiness. If you don’t, and you let Mom meddle too much in your affairs, I guarantee you she can ruin your life- starting with your marriage.

 

Your Mom is putting up a battle with you- she wants to sway you into not introducing an Anglo-Saxon daughter in-law in what she views to be a pure-bred family tree. And the fact that your fiancée has had a problematic past with her biological parents, will only make it worse. Your mother will also use that information to her advantage, she will call your fiancée names, put them down, etc, all in an attempt to sway you from marrying her. And your Mom will also use the rest of your family to her advantage by turning them against you and your fiancée.

 

What do you do? First off, decide what you want. Do you really want to marry her? If you guys really love each other and want to stay with each other, stick it out! This is a time when you are slowly breaking away from each of your parents to form your own, new family. But you have to be determined in your goal, and you have to be absolutely sure of what you want. The fact that you guys have known each other for 6 years is a positive thing- that is a good amount of time to know someone before marrying them.

 

So, if your answer is yes to the above question, what do you do now? Get your war-paint out and be prepared to do battle with Mom. Explain this situation to your fiancée, and tell her that she can expect to catch hell from this woman. But your Mom and the rest of the family will eventually come around when they see that she is really in your heart. She will choose to accept your soon-to-be wife, and she will do it out of necessity. Because if she does not, she will lose you. The bottom line is don’t let your Mom come between you and your fiancée.

 

I went through similar problems to yours, as I have a mother who is very controlling (see my earlier post entitled ‘Controlling Mother’). I come from a family that has a strong south-eastern European culture, and they also tried to use the same tactics (and then some) to try and discourage me from marrying my American wife. And to top it off, she had two children from a previous marriage. My Mother tried very hard to discourage me from marrying into her family. But I was determined that is who I wanted to marry.

 

We had a lot of issues to work out, but I found that when my mother and father stuck their noses in our marriage, they just got worse. Although my wife and I had it very rough in the beginning (my Mom also made my wife cry many times), in looking back I see that my wife and I did just fine, as she was the perfect choice for me. Marrying into her family caused me to create a very strong support group of my own in the United States, with my mother in-law, my father in-law, her children from the previous marriage, my brother in-law, friends, and much more. It was a support group that my Mom and Dad chose never to integrate into, because of their cultural beliefs and insecurities. In the end, they lost out on a lot of the happiness they could have had, and to this day they still never met my in laws face to face. That’s their choice though. I married over 15 years ago, and today, my wife and I are extremely happy together. We have a total of four children (my two step children plus my two biological children), and I have no regrets about any of it. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.

 

Please keep in mind that although you have to be firm with your Mom, she is your Mother, and you do love her. But remember that what she wants is not compatible with what your needs are. Be firm, but loving. Gently push her out of your marriage, but at the same time show her you care. Remember, she is in a way, losing a son. You need to convince her that she is also gaining a daughter.

 

I hope this helps.

Born Again