Don't know what to think

[playabum17]

I'm in a LDR relationship that is fairly new, less than 6 months, up to now it's been great. Well, there's been issues, but mostly my issues, I have serious trust issues because of my past with men and my guy has proved himself to me several times over.

The last time we saw each other he had made the comment about me 'following him' once he gets settled down where he is. Since he has been there we have talked on the phone almost every day and things have been great.

We never did have 'the talk' about exactly where our relationship was heading and what it meant to one another, if it was exclusive, etc. etc. So maybe I made assumptions I shouldn't have? He was supposed to have returned to the town I live in for another training session and that didn't happen and that was when I had intended to have 'the talk' with him. Well, since he's been gone and we've talked so much and things have gone so well it just didn't seem necessary.

Well, today I did what might be considered a bad thing. Because of my trust issues, I did a search to see if he had a profile out on Yahoo. Might seem stupid considering everything is going so great, well I found his.

 

So I called him right then and told him I didn't know what to think. He said it was out there, but he didn't use it, I don't think that is quite true because it has all his current info on there. I told him what I said above about us never having the talk and where this relationship was heading. He said today wasn't a good day as he was dealing with movers and visiting with his daughter, but I am to call him tomorrow and we will have a good long talk. I kind of laughed nervously and he said that I shouldn't be worried, it would be a good talk. I said "So, you won't be telling me that you don't want to see me anymore and never want to talk again?" He said, "No, believe me, that is not it, not even close. That's not gonna happen" I believe him because he has never lied to me and I truly believe he has feelings for me.

That doesn't stop my confusion as to why he has a profile out there, like I said we never did talk about us 'being exclusive' so maybe I made assumptions that I shouldn't have. I really care about this guy and have had a really good feeling about him, but this has thrown me for a loop. I'm just not sure what to think. It's killing me that I have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him.

I don't think I'm really looking for advice...just venting I guess. I'll have to update what happens after I talk to him tomorrow.

[LN99]

Are you talking about a yahoo personals profile? Or are you talking about a general yahoo profile? Either way, I know I was on personals a few yrs back, met someone else, and completely forgot about it. (You can sign up with limited access for free.) Anyways, I never go on the thing. I think they sent me an email not long ago trying to match me with someone. I was like "Wow, I forgot I'm even on there!" I guess its ok now because I'm single anyways. But honestly, I wouldn't be so worried that he's out there trying to meet someone else. I think maybe the distance makes you insecure(and thats understandable.)

 

But have a talk with him. Ask him if your relationship is exclusive or if your just "seeing" each other. (I hope he clears this up for you when you have your chat later on.)

[PANDA]

Tell you what I found. I found my boyfriend's profile in datesite too when he tells me always I love you and you are the best girlfriend i've ever met. I just don't understand what the men think. It made me so sad. It means almost all men lie to their wives or girls. How terrible thing is. So I decided to stop seeing him anymore and take a break and concentrate on my work. My heart is sinking. Maybe it is common for men, but I really can't accept. Good luck on you next talk.

[playabum17]

Are you talking about a yahoo personals profile? Or are you talking about a general yahoo profile? Either way, I know I was on personals a few yrs back, met someone else, and completely forgot about it. (You can sign up with limited access for free.) Anyways, I never go on the thing. I think they sent me an email not long ago trying to match me with someone. I was like "Wow, I forgot I'm even on there!" I guess its ok now because I'm single anyways. But honestly, I wouldn't be so worried that he's out there trying to meet someone else. I think maybe the distance makes you insecure(and thats understandable.)

 

But have a talk with him. Ask him if your relationship is exclusive or if your just "seeing" each other. (I hope he clears this up for you when you have your chat later on.)

 

It's definitely a current profile, it has where he is currently living. Which he only moved to a month or so ago.

He said that we are good and that tomorrow's talk would be a good talk so I am going into the talk with an open mind and we'll see what happens. We have never said we were 'exclusive' so a part of me feels that I can't be angry over the profile (it is a yahoo personal), but when he made the suggestion that I 'follow' him once he gets settled I made the assumption that it meant we were heading towards a permanent relationship/exclusiveness.

I'm calmer after the initial shock of it and I'm glad that I called him right away about it instead of letting it 'fester'. We'll be talking tomorrow...now I just have to wait until then....stupid movers.

[LN99]

Ah, its current eh? That would raise a few red flags in my book, but maybe once you guys talk, it will clear up any misunderstandings...

 

 

As for him wanting you to follow him..

Sounds to me like he sees some type of future with you. I think in any long distance relationship, that is what you usually strive for..to be closer and not long distance. Question is, would you move for him? Would you be upset if you had to give up everything? Is he willing to compromise?

[Turquoise Waters]

Let me give you some advice: NEVER show insecurity or initiate "the talk" with a man. He might just change his mind, you might have just scared him off with your complete insecurities over the phone. Honestly, this may sound sexist, but it is absolutely best to let the man initiate the "let's move to the next level" talk. Also...do NOT move for a man who is not committed to you, and I mean committed to the engagement ring level. This will work, trust me (if you haven't already blown it by revealing deep worries and insecurities). If he really loves you and is into you, and you stay where you are, he will propose after a few months. If during the LDR he expresses frustration at being so far apart, you have to say "Well, I can't really leave, I have a career here. The only way I would move is if I had a bigger reason to move (he'll understand it to be engagement, trust me, but don't come out and say engagement directly.)

If it doesn't work out with you two, remember...it's not the end of the world!

From what he said, I think he might be saying to you "Hey, yes, let's keep seeing each other...but let's sloooooooowwwww down and....yes, that means seeing other people."

[playabum17]

Ah, its current eh? That would raise a few red flags in my book, but maybe once you guys talk, it will clear up any misunderstandings...

 

 

As for him wanting you to follow him..

Sounds to me like he sees some type of future with you. I think in any long distance relationship, that is what you usually strive for..to be closer and not long distance. Question is, would you move for him? Would you be upset if you had to give up everything? Is he willing to compromise?

 

I waiting for us to talk before I freak out. I would move for him, but you have to understand my history and current situation.

 

I am an Army brat and I was raised that you follow the man that you love. My Dad's career dictated that and my guy's career is somewhat similar. My job is easily relocated. So if he and I reach a stage that we feel we want to take the relationship to the next level then I would feel comfortable moving to where he is.

I have known for sometime that my living in the city I currently live in would be temporary. I moved here because my parents were here (it's kind of a long story) they have since retired and moved to Kansas. I stayed because I love my job and want to be fully vested with my retirement there before I think about leaving. I am not chomping at the bit to leave, but it wouldn't bother me to leave soon either. I would miss friends I have made here, but this is not 'home' for me. Even if I didn't follow him, I won't be here in a few years time.

[playabum17]

Let me give you some advice: NEVER show insecurity or initiate "the talk" with a man. He might just change his mind, you might have just scared him off with your complete insecurities over the phone. Honestly, this may sound sexist, but it is absolutely best to let the man initiate the "let's move to the next level" talk. Also...do NOT move for a man who is not committed to you, and I mean committed to the engagement ring level. This will work, trust me (if you haven't already blown it by revealing deep worries and insecurities). If he really loves you and is into you, and you stay where you are, he will propose after a few months. If during the LDR he expresses frustration at being so far apart, you have to say "Well, I can't really leave, I have a career here. The only way I would move is if I had a bigger reason to move (he'll understand it to be engagement, trust me, but don't come out and say engagement directly.)

If it doesn't work out with you two, remember...it's not the end of the world!

From what he said, I think he might be saying to you "Hey, yes, let's keep seeing each other...but let's sloooooooowwwww down and....yes, that means seeing other people."

Hmmm, I hear what you are saying, but I believe in being completely honest with each other, warts and all. It has worked for my parents for 40 plus years. If that scares him away...so be it. I have showed my insecurities to him before and he is still around. He has always been very patient with me and any issues I have had he has proven himself to me. I feel confident that we will work through this one.

I am not sure how you can read into what he said as that we need to slow down, but maybe I'm missing it. His words to me were "We are good, this will be a good talk" I'm feeling okay about it, a little nervous I guess, but okay.

 

And as far as the moving to be with him, we'll cross that bridge...

[Turquoise Waters]

Trust me, you don't want to move without an engagement ring on your finger.

Also, if you keep showing your insecurity with the relationship as you have, you will scare him off. Not kidding here.

[playabum17]

Trust me, you don't want to move without an engagement ring on your finger.

Also, if you keep showing your insecurity with the relationship as you have, you will scare him off. Not kidding here.

 

I haven't shown insecurity in awhile because I haven't needed to, he has proven himself to me. This thing is a little bump in the road and we will get through it, I'll admit I'm a little confused about it, but I believe that if he and I have an open and honest conversation about what is on our minds we will get through it. I'm attempting to be mature about this situation and not be insecure about it, that's why I called him about it instead of letting it bother me and not talking to him about it and making assumptions about what was on his mind. We will just talk about what is on each others mind, like adults.

[LN99]

Even though you don't plan on staying where you are for the rest of your life, you should really make sure that there is a deeper level of commitment(like an engagment) before you move to be with him. (TurquoiseWaters had a good point there.)

 

But, seeing as you have been dating 6 months, I think you deserve to know where this is headed. (I also think your ages plays a role here. The older you are, the less there should be beating around the bush when it comes to this. I'm sure you both are mature adults.) So, if you have to initiate the "talk", do so. Personally, if he is that scared off by it, then I doubt he's the kind of guy your looking for. I mean if this guy is serious about making a commitment to you, then it shouldn't freak him out at all if you want a clear answer about where things are going or where he sees them going. To me, that would seem the most logical. (At least its better then sitting around waiting and waiting for him to bring up the future. You could be waiting a long time or find out after a yr or so that he's not thinking about anything serious with you in the future.)

 

So far, it seems like he's willing to talk to you about his plans. Please keep us updated and hopefully it's good news!

[playabum17]

Even though you don't plan on staying where you are for the rest of your life, you should really make sure that there is a deeper level of commitment(like an engagment) before you move to be with him. (TurquoiseWaters had a good point there.)

 

But, seeing as you have been dating 6 months, I think you deserve to know where this is headed. (I also think your ages plays a role here. The older you are, the less there should be beating around the bush when it comes to this. I'm sure you both are mature adults.) So, if you have to initiate the "talk", do so. Personally, if he is that scared off by it, then I doubt he's the kind of guy your looking for. I mean if this guy is serious about making a commitment to you, then it shouldn't freak him out at all if you want a clear answer about where things are going or where he sees them going. To me, that would seem the most logical. (At least its better then sitting around waiting and waiting for him to bring up the future. You could be waiting a long time or find out after a yr or so that he's not thinking about anything serious with you in the future.)

 

So far, it seems like he's willing to talk to you about his plans. Please keep us updated and hopefully it's good news!

 

Thanks! I'm am not dreading this conversation at all, I think it will be a good one. He really is a good guy. He's always been up front with me and every time I've had any doubts it's usually been because of me and my past, not because of him. He has managed to prove those doubts wrong, usually without even knowing I had the doubts in the first place. I am in my upper 30's and he is in his lower 40's, that's why I figure there is no point to any games or anything, just approach this head on with honesty.

 

I'd rather not have this chat over the phone, but circumstances are forcing our hand. I believe he has feelings for me and does want this relationship to continue and move forward so I that's why I'm really confused about the profile, but that's why we are gonna talk about it. I also had another thought about this, it's not like he's been telling me this whole time that I was the only one for him and he's not seeing anyone else, etc. and as I've said before we have not said we are exclusive, so I don't feel as if he has 'lied' to me this whole time regarding the profile. We will talk about it, but I'm not sure how much of a right I have to be 'angry' or upset over it.

 

 

I'll keep you updated. Thanks for the support!

[playabum17]

Well, we haven't gotten to talk yet. I called him at 11:30 my time thinking he was in an hour ahead, but I forgot that he had gone back home to pack up his old house so it was also 11:30 where he was and I was supposed to call after noon. It went straight to VM. I tried again at 12:43, straight to VM. My paranoid mind took over and I'm thinking he did that intentionally as to not talk to me....God I curse my past sometimes. I tried him again around 1:30, straight to VM...paranoia strikes again! Then, he calls me he teases me about pestering him. We tease each other a lot. Unfortunately our connection was horrible and he was breaking up and I could barely make out what he was saying so he is going to call me back.

[catrocks]

Awww good luck! Hope you managed to get a good line in the end

[playabum17]

Okay, we have talked and it was a good talk. We are very much on the same page about how we feel about each other and the relationship. We both like each other...a lot and would like to see what happens with it, but we also know the difficulties of the time and distance

He says, and I believe him because we have that trust thing going on, that his profile is not on there for him to seek a 'relationship' it's more to seek friendships since he is new to the area. He hates eating dinner by himself and relates to women easier to men as friends....I can see that, I've had plenty of men friends that were purely platonic.

He's met one woman and he was clear to her that he was not seeking a relationship they just talked about Harley stuff and about other people who had Harley's and when they had rides and stuff like that

Basically neither of us are seeking relationships, but we are not exclusive either...I think I can live with that...I think. LOL

 

He said he loves talking to me, loves spending time with me, wants to talk to me more, spend more time with me and wants to see if this does grow, but at this time would not be devastated if it didn't , he would be upset, but not devastated. Of course, you add the difficulties of distance and time and all that…and who knows what the future will bring.

 

So, I feel pretty good about it, we are very much on the same page. We are both wanting to see if it might grow and enjoying it as it is...basically we are taking the approach of, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

[LN99]

Well, thats very wise and realistic considering the distance. Hope though that it works out well for you both.

[Turquoise Waters]

I would not be happy with that talk, especially the "we are not exclusive" part. You have been dating six months. I don't understand "we have the trust thing going on" but "we are not exclusive" in the same talk. I've never been seeing a guy for six months where it wasn't exclusive, and if any man I had been seeing had said "I want to explore this, but if it doesn't work out I would be upset but not devastated"....that is not a ringing endorsement for the relationship. I guess I'm comparing it to relationships I've had and after six months we were either at the point of 1. breaking up or 2. we were absolutely both crazy about each other and wouldn't dream of seeing other people, it wasn't even in our thoughts.

But I'm glad you are happy with that. I just wouldn't like it too much.

[playabum17]

I would not be happy with that talk, especially the "we are not exclusive" part. You have been dating six months. I don't understand "we have the trust thing going on" but "we are not exclusive" in the same talk. I've never been seeing a guy for six months where it wasn't exclusive, and if any man I had been seeing had said "I want to explore this, but if it doesn't work out I would be upset but not devastated"....that is not a ringing endorsement for the relationship. I guess I'm comparing it to relationships I've had and after six months we were either at the point of 1. breaking up or 2. we were absolutely both crazy about each other and wouldn't dream of seeing other people, it wasn't even in our thoughts.

But I'm glad you are happy with that. I just wouldn't like it too much.

 

Well, the nice thing is you don't have to be happy with the conversation, only I do and I am. There are many things about this relationship that you don't know and I didn't feel obligated to share that play into this. You can't compare my relationship to your past relationships they aren't comparable. You also were not privy to the conversation, there was a lot said between us that is private and I don't wish to share on a public forum.

 

I appreciate the input you have given me so far and I understand why you wouldn't be happy with it, but I am. That's all that really matters.

[playabum17]

Well, thats very wise and realistic considering the distance. Hope though that it works out well for you both.

 

Thank you! That's very kind of you.

 

We are supposed to find out today if it will work for us to go to Sturgis! We are waiting on someone else to find out if they can get time off work. We just chatted on Yahoo and we are both trying not to get our hopes up, but we want to see each other!

[playabum17]

But don't you want an exclusive relationship? I don't think it's really a "relationship" if you are admitting you are seeing other people (or it is assumed you are). So that means, if he stated that you two are not exclusive, that he CAN date the harley girl or whoever he wants?

Lots of people have exclusive long distance relationships, it almost sounds like this guy isn't really going to commit at all to you.

 

I'm starting to regret sharing at all, and the thing is...I don't have to justify anything to anyone.

 

See my response to TW's post.

[playabum17]

Okay, that was a little harsh. I apologize. I realize it was my choice to share and 'put it out there'. The problem with these forums is that it's difficult to put every little detail out there unless you have a lot of time on your hands.

 

Any situation is not as cut and dried as it may appear when someone posts it on a forum and the same is true of my situation. There are details of the relationship and the conversation that I chose not to share either because it would be too timely to do so or because they were private. Maybe that would make a difference in how you see it. Whatever, it doesn't really matter because as I said only he and I have to be happy with it.

 

One thing is, TW and Alley make it sound like he dictated to me how the relationship was going to be, that's not it at all! We had a open and honest, adult, sharing conversation and came to a mutual agreement about how we felt about each other and the relationship. No games, no one sided conversation, none of that. I am happy with how he and I's relationship is progressing and it is progressing. He is a wonderful, trustworthy, hot guy and I'm very lucky and grateful to have him in my life. And he would say the same of me (well, except the hot guy part. LOL)

 

Thank you very much for you time and input on my issue that is no longer an issue. It has been worked through between him and I and resolved.