vanButterfly Posted July 22, 2007 Share Posted July 22, 2007 We will most likely be engaged by the end of the year.. I am 30 and he is 31 - been together just over 2 years. We are pretty opposite it most things. Before we met our lives were like this: Him: ----- - Used to years of being single, - smoked, drank a lot, - spent most times watching rugby in the pub or with friends out drinking, - working a lot Me: - Into sport, - learning language, - gym, learning new things, - doing anything I wanted to do or learn, - just got out of a 4 year relationship and hardly been single since 17. - practiced piano every day We meet. Differences cause problems. 2 years later we are at a compromise and the situation NOW is: Him: - Works normal hours - Doesnt smoke or ger drunk and doesnt go to the pub - Doesnt put his friends first anymore - Happy to watch TV at home or read on the computer Me: - Dont gym as much - dont play sport - dont play piano - my life is coming home and turning the computer on and playing computer games Together: - learn dancing once a week - sometimes gym together - out to dinner This was due to many arguments and work and councilling. I am so frustrated at what I feel like I do nothing anymore that develops me in any way. He is happy watching tv. Is it even possible to live this way? I dont know how to be happy here. I know that if I am in a different relationship something else would be the problem, but can someone help me in accepting how far we have gotten and to be happy not having any real hobbies anymore because i just dont know how to do it! Has anyone done it and been happy? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 22, 2007 Share Posted July 22, 2007 Huh, sounds like compromise for you two means both giving up the things that you enjoyed and replacing them with....not much. I don't understand how working on it and counseling has brought you to this?? Why would a counselor tell you that if you have little in common, that you should both give up everything you enjoy doing so as to be together? People with differences who want to be together tend to appreciate the other person FOR their differences, or at least accept them even though they don't share them. So, for example, if any kind of compromise were needed, perhaps it would be that you would choose to practice piano music that he might enjoy listening to while he's on the computer. Or, you might practice when he is at a pub watching a rugby game. Or you'd go to the gym when he's out with friends. While it might be good to give up some bad habits, and to cut down on certain activities so as to have time together, you should not completely erase who you are and deny your passions so as to be together. A partner should enhance your life, not diminish your enjoyment of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted July 22, 2007 Share Posted July 22, 2007 Gotta agree with NJ here, it sounds like you're going about this all wrong and such harsh "compromise" will surely cause resentment and further problems. I don't see any reason for you having given up the piano, sport or the gym. Does he demand all of your spare time? This is unhealthy for a relationship, you need to retain your independence. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 I don't see any reason for you having given up the piano, sport or the gym. Does he demand all of your spare time? This is unhealthy for a relationship, you need to retain your independence. I suspect she wanted him to give up going to the pub to watch rugby and drinking with his friends, so he then demanded she give up something she enjoy in return... Instead, they both could have cut down on the time they spent on those activities - not eliminate them altogether - so they could carve out time to do things together. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Couples with different interests in life.. how does it work?? Has anyone done it and been happy? My wife and I are 58 and 61 (in about three weeks) respectively. We were work friends for five years before I asked her out and have been married going on 11. At the time we finally started dating: Me: - Grew up as a military brat. - Conservative Republican. - Vietnam veteran. - Former state narcotics agent. - Legislative/political analyst. She: - Grew up as a military brat. - Self-proclaimed "bleeding-heart, hope-to-die, left-wing, liberal Democrat. - Original 60s, bra-burning feminist. - Former 60s-70s hippie and midwife. - Legislative/political analyst. Us (11 years later): - Both declline-to-state, independent, fiscal conservatives and social moderates. - Her retired and me retiring in three years. - Nary an argument! Link to post Share on other sites
Author vanButterfly Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 Yes you are right.. I did want him to give up drinking and pub nights. It means the next day he was awake and we could meet on time to go do other things. When he went out and drank he would lie about where he was, who he was with, and how much he drank. I understand WHY he lied, but it's not an excuse. Anyway.. we are struggling at the moment. We wanted to move forward and get engaged one day..but I dont see it any time at all. I think we are just too different. It drives me nuts when people see us and think we are the most perfect couple together and that we suit perfectly. Deep down we have major fundamental issues. I know no relationshp is perfect, but surely it can be better and more satisfying. I wasnt born yesterday and have been in longer relationships before... I just dont know if it's worth it all.. Link to post Share on other sites
che_jesse Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 My husband and I had sort of the same problem but not nearly to the extent that you do. His favorite thing to do on the weekend or when he gets off work early was to smoke weed with his friends. The weed by itself I could care less about it was the time spent with people that are not me that bugged me because I felt he was spending to much time with them. All of this built up until we got into it in therapy about the subject one day, the first thing the therapist told us to do was to pick two days out of the week that he could go be with his friends, the other nights he comes right home to me. We agreed that the days could be adjusted depending on stuff that happens. One weekday and one weekend day. Did you try this? What happened? Your guy needs time with his friends. You do not want to be the crazy bitch of a jealous girlfriend that cost him his friends. He lied to you because you got up his ass about it every time he went out. Also it was very important for me to develop my hobbies again, if I was happy going to yoga and scuba diving then that made both of us happier. We try to share in each others hobbies as much as we can, hes a huge car guy and has projects going on in the garage all the time. I love being on the water. I didn't know **** about cars when I met him but in a few months I'm starting work on putting a skyline motor in my 240 (and I know what I'm doing). He HATED the beach at first, would not even step foot on the sand, now he has come to love it almost as much as I do. When you both just relax and enjoy each others company and learning about each others hobbies you will a lot further together. GO TO THE PUB WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND. Just do it, It does not matter if you hate all of his friends. Sit back, enjoy a beer (get the stick out of your ass if you don't drink) and watch the game. You will get bored soon enough and take up that piano again during his pub time but you will have established a whole lot of trust on his nights out. ADD version: Let your boyfriend have some time with his friends. Spend time with him when he goes out and focus on developing your own hobbies during the rest of the time. You do not have to be together every minute of the day. Link to post Share on other sites
VIP Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 Him: ----- - Used to years of being single, - smoked, drank a lot, - spent most times watching rugby in the pub or with friends out drinking, - working a lot Me: - Into sport, - learning language, - gym, learning new things, - doing anything I wanted to do or learn, - just got out of a 4 year relationship and hardly been single since 17. - practiced piano every day I think your hobbies are creative and healthy, his are not. It's ok to meet with friends, especially when you are doing sports or going to the gym, but not to spend all his spare time in the bar. He basically doesn't have any hobbies, and to be equal you are not going to have any either. In that case he might as well work more, if he doesn't know what to do with himself when he's off work. If he's ok with watching TV after work while you are learning languages or practicing piano, that might work too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vanButterfly Posted July 29, 2007 Author Share Posted July 29, 2007 I asked my partner what he would like to do. He is happy to just watch TV. I cant do this every night. I get so bored and it's so draining. I feel like I dont get anythign out of it. Life is short and I want to get out there and do things. Anyway, this is all too hard and I have decided to move out. It's not working and we tried for 2 years. We have improved but we are too different. I give up. I read an article that said both partners should enhance each other's lives. I dont enhance his because I dont share any of his interests (except physical if you know what I mean), and he doesnt enhance mine. THis isnt a good foundation at all for anything. I ask him why he loves me... he says because I make him feel good. What on earth is that answer... it's not an answer at all.. This is about lifestyle and the thought of having to spend the rest of my life with this person and this lifestyle makes me cringe. It's hard to leave him but it's harder to tolerate this for years. Plus this relationship has gotten verbally abusive and violent. I think it's seen better days.. and they were not even that good. This is crap! Link to post Share on other sites
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