No Fear

[livebuzzwords]

No Fear

A few years back I went on a dating website in search of someone special. I did so because I instinctive new that there was ‘the one’ person for me out there and if I searched for her, I would find her. Instead of waiting for destiny, fate and luck to bring to me, I was at a place in my life where I recognized that the opportunity to find that special someone was now. So, off I went on one dating web-site, and within one week of being online I found what I knew was waiting for me. It turned out that she had gone online at the same time I had and she had the same hope and dreams that I had. I sent her an electronic smile and she checked out my profile and saw that I was a nice, normal guy and she thought I was cute as well [she would later tell me I am handsome and hearing her call me that always made me smile]. After a few chats, we exchanged email addys and started emailing each other. Some days we would send each over 30 emails. In our early foreplay emails we ‘talked’ about everything and anything, we flirted, shared our past, our hopes and dreams, and we got to know each other extremely well in a very short period of time. I would not use spell check and send error filed email messages simply because I knew she hated that as a way of teasing her and making her smile. We started sending each other goofy pictures of each other as a way of showing each other our strengths and that we were both never afraid to make a fool of yourself. In a way we were total strangers, engaged in a dating process done in reverse. Usually, you meet someone, see them and see if there is an attraction, then get to know each other – we did it in the reverse and it was would be the foundation of the relationship. We both had knowledge about each other through those emails, and were curious about whether the assumptions and understanding we had about each other would be truths. We wondered, would we, upon meeting, feel the instant attraction we felt and both found it interesting to be so attracted to someone we hadn’t met yet. We had developed a friendship, shared without any concern, and looked forward to further adventures. We exchanged lists of does and don’ts, dealbreakers, likes and dislikes and we could not get enough of each other. At the beginning we had lots of free time to communicate a lot so we took advantage of that and spoiled each other with attention. She was funny, smart, bold, exciting, confident, and honest. She was stubborn, street-savvy, intelligent, graceful, creative, determined, caring and generous. She knew what she wanted out of life and took the steps needed to get there. She made me feel like a high-school teenager, nervously wondering about how our first date would unfold. We met at my home on that first date and the normal awkward moment lasted maybe 10 seconds and then we went to see a play, out for dinner, and then back to my home – and, poof, we were a couple. That’s all it took to move forward. The reason behind me talking about our beginning is to simply show how easily we become friends and partners and to explain why it is important to me that I know she now feels a sense of relief, that while our breakup was messy, and many things happened afterwards, that she feels a level of safety and reassurance. See, I know this woman extremely well and I know that there are certain things that are important to her. Like, not being afraid, having no fear, experiencing no doubt, no holding back, no need for a protective wall, not having her person life exposed and keeping private secrets just to herself. We were equals and she liked having control over being able to express herself and not be silent. She naturally trusts others and believes in having open communication. We have always wanted to feel secure, respected and listened to, and to be treated as others would want to be treated. It is important to her to be able to feel comfortable knowing that just because she thinks and writes about things that don’t mean she wants to talk about them face to face. She dislikes showing her vulnerabilities to others if it makes her look weak. She is an exquisite mix of strength, understanding, perception, creativities and has a heart so big it could crush anything life throws her way. In the beginning, all these things were a part of our relationship and after the breakup, we both suffered greatly from the lack of these things. Even though we are no longer together, I still have deep feelings for this woman, and I always will. She was my best friend, soul mate and life partner. We shared wonderful moments and experienced the highs and lows of life, and learned and grew as individual simply from our relationship. She taught me about courage and honesty and I gave her confidence and freedom. We were both writers [6 cookies please], photographers, painters, musicians, and we encouraged each other to grow as individuals outside of the parameters of a relationship. We were madly in love, secure in our future, cared about each other and looked forward to a time were promised were fulfilled. That is a great thing to experience and I will always cherish that time and adore her for sharing a brief part of her life with me. I want only the best for her and while I may sometimes wish that we were still together, I understand that that our breakup pushed things beyond repair and so such notions will never be in the cards. I have said and posted all this simply because it is therapy for me, and because I need to give a voice to someone who has been silenced and hurt. I hope all the things I have spoken about that I know are important to her, return and she remains healthy and content. I wish her No Fear. I Promise her No Contact. I Believe in her. I wish only happiness and peace of mind for her. This is the last post I will make about this subject and our relationship. It is time to move on and focus on my future. Stay kewl.