Finances ruining marriage

[julia]

A couple years ago I discovered my husband had accumulated huge debt in his small business. He hid it from me, both to protect me and to protect his ego. I've always been a worrier. This was almost more than I could handle. He promised me things would get better and he would be able to eventually pay off all those loans. But it seems, one step forward, two back. The poor economy hasn't helped. I've gone back to work full time and feel completely stressed out. I am now trying to support the family and he brings home a little money when he can. It is very hard to make ends meet at home and there is always some crisis at his business. Finally, I told him I can't deal with all the business problems. I don't want to be lied to, but I am not the type that can handle one crisis after another. And I didn't get the business into this situation, so it's unfair to come into the picture now and deal with all this. I pay our bills promptly and it drives me crazy to think of his poor credit history. I am embarrassed of it all. He has had to borrow money from relatives to pay taxes, owes on credit cards, etc. I sometimes now think we should have just filed for bankruptcy, but we live in a small town and the humiliation would be horrible. In fact, I work in a financial type business and deal with one of the banks he owes money to. It is humiliating and also angers me because I would never have let things get so bad. My husband refuses to consider bankruptcy anyway, and still insists he can make things work out. It would be nice to have someone else really look at things and advise if there's still hope for the business. My husband just wants to pay off enough so he can get out of it.

 

We have two kids at home and I want what's best for them. I don't know how I feel about my husband anymore. I mostly resent him for all he is putting us through. But if I honestly ask myself what my feelings would be if it weren't for all this financial mess, I don't know if I would feel so unhappy with him. Our marriage was far from perfect, but we've been together 18 years and he knows me better than anyone. It's a catch 22, because I don't feel like I can afford to leave. He makes very little, but it does help. Counseling costs money, too. I don't sleep well anymore and feel like I am walking a tightrope everyday, waiting for everything to fall apart. Sometimes I just think I'll wait a few more years until my oldest is out of high school. Then if things aren't any better, I'll leave. But I am also afraid to spend the rest of my life alone. I can't imagine ever getting into another relationship. But am I crazy to be sticking around, putting myself through such hell? It would be different if I was in my 20's, but I'm in my early 40's. Help!

[Ally Boo]

Doesn't sound like the finances are ruining your marriage, sounds like its the lack of honesty that is ruining it. I would check into a local non profit organization near you (church, etc) and see about getting some counseling.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

It seems like your husband has very good intentions. He has a business, and he is working. So he's not a dead beat. The problem is, your husband does not know how to handle money. And alot of people don't, so don't feel embarrassed about your husband's lack of financial skills. But don't you think, with you knowing how to handle money that you should try your best to teach him? Because if he's poor with money and you're not, but he's handling the money in the family, the financial situation is not going to get better. If you see bankruptcy as a good idea financially, why not try it? Why are you so worried about what people in your town would think if you apply for bankruptcy? None of them are paying your mortgage or your bills so what ever they say should not matter anyway. Stop worrying about what other people think and worry about gaining financial stability.

 

Bill consolidation is also an option. You can take all the bills you owe and pay in one monthly payment. And although they do cost, I would suggest that you get a finanical advisor. If you can't pay for that, there are plenty of books out on the market that both of you can read (or you can go to the local library) to better your financial situation. Both of you need to sit down and plan out a budget (which may call for some sacrificing on material things), stick to it, set goals by saving away some money, but over all, I would suggest that you read some books together.