In Love at Work

[hopeless_love]

Help! Some months ago I became good friends with a young woman, a coworker of mine. We found we had many things in common and we always are more relaxed and comfortable around each other. In time, we felt a very, very strong atraction to each other and began spending more time together outside of our work.

 

We are so in love with each other, but there are a couple of obstacles preventing us from being together- namely, the fact that we're both married and that we both love our spouses very much. And, to add further to my pain, my wife is now pregnant- quite unexpectedly.

 

If anyone out there has any, any words of wisdom to offer, please do so- my heart is breaking over this. I have never felt such a strong attraction to someone- not even my wife- and knowing that each night I'm sending her home to the arms of another is eating me up inside. I want so badly to come to grips with this one way or the other; even arranging an 'open marriage' would be less painful than the way things are now- if I can't have her for my own I could at least have her 'part-time'.

 

I know some of you will immediately think I'm a dog or a player, but please believe me- I am madly in love with this woman and would do anything to be with her. But, under the circumstances I am simply heartbroken and at a loss as to how to deal with this.

 

Please help me!

[Tony T]

I don't think you would do "anything" to be with her, especially not leave the pregnant wife that you love dearly.

 

You seem old enough to realize that these bizzarely explosive romantic flings are short lived and those fireworks diminish in due time. It's simply not worth all the social, financial, and psychological factors to go through all the motions of two divorces and a remarriage...screwing up the lives of a lot of people...for a year or two (if it lasts that long) of cloud nine.

 

The reason it's so great right now is for the very reason you have posted. What you are doing is forbidden, secret, etc. People get off on that stuff. It's OK to be attracted to another woman. It's OK to be in love with her. But, you made a commitment to your wife so that crap has to stop there. You have to grow up and honor your commitments and stop this irresponsible foolishness.

 

I know it's hard to stop because the feelings are so strong. But a mature man who takes a real cold shower and who gets himself together for just 60 seconds of rational thought will realize there is NOTHING positive that can come of this and those intense feelings are only there for a while. Sure they feel good. Hell, I love the euphoria of eating a banana split...but eating just one would put five ugly pounds on me so I use the banana in my head and self restraint.

 

Learn some self restraint and self discipline yourself. Until the day you die, there will be attractive women in this world you can fall in love with. But if you are not worth the contracts and committments you make, not one relationship will be good enough for you.

 

Your whole being is controlled by your mind and you control your mind. Just back off this whole betrayal deal, tell the gal you know it's wrong, stop seeing her, stop looking at her. Even if you work at the desk right next to her, all you need to do is flip that switch in your head and you'll have no feelings for her at all any more. I can't begin to tell you how many women have done that to me.

 

Now, stop this childish nonsense and go back to being the man your wife married. You'll be a daddy soon and you want to have the moral fibre and dignity that your child will need in a father.

 

You got your assignment....now bring back the homework!!!

[midori]

... the one that led you into your present situation.

 

When you're in a committed relationship, I don't think you fall in love with someone else unless there's a reason, a pre-existing gap in your life that the new person fills (or seems to).

 

Seems like you ought to step back and ask yourself what in your larger circumstances made falling in love with your coworker an attractive option. Not saying that you set out to do so, but you made a series of smaller choices that led to where you are now. Some of those choices might have been "sins of omission" -- e.g. cultivating a close friendship with a woman you found to be sexually attractive (perhaps lying to yourself initially that there was no attraction), or by deepening the friendship even after becoming conscious of the fact that you're attracted to her.

 

Everyone in committed relationships meets attractive, engaging people of the opposite sex. Building friendships with them is fine in principle, but you have to do so with full awareness of the limitations that must naturally apply to the friendship. For some reason you chose to ignore those limitations -- you spent lots of time together, got to know each other very well, and all the while these feelings were growing (which you may have been ignoring, but that's a choice in and of itself). The responsible thing to do would have been to limit yoursel f to lunch once a week and no tete-a-tete drinks after work, that kind of thing. You chose the reckless route. And so did your coworker.

 

Why? Is your marriage unsatisfying in some way and you've been (perhaps subconsciously) seeking to disavow it or sabotage it, rather than by addressing the problems? Are you a fundamentally insecure person who needs lots of female attention. And what about her?

 

Healthy, happily married people don't just fall in love with other people. Unhappily married people look for escapes. Unhealthy people do too. Figure out which you are (perhaps both) and then take steps to address those problems: talk to your wife about weak spots in the marriage and/or get her to join you in marriage counseling. Get yourself into therapy. Deal with the real underlying problems -- even if it's just gross immaturity on your part -- and then see where you are. Perhaps you'll find, despite the impending arrival of your child, that you and your wife just don't want to stay married. But make that an active decision, rather than passively destroying your marriage by "accidentally" falling in love with someone else.

 

"I don't know how it happened but we just fell madly in love with each other" sounds terribly romantic, but in fact it's a terrible cop-out. And remember that you're not the only one who has blundered into this stupid situation. Your coworker has shown equally poor judgement. Is that the best sort of person for a confused soul like yourself to have in his life?

 

Deal with the real problems at hand, don't try to cover them up with an overwhelming "love" that's supposedly beyond your control.

[quankanne]

do you think maybe you fell "in love" with the readily available (though she's married, too) co-worker because you feel your unborn child is taking your wife's attention away from y'alls relationship together? I've heard of that happening, and while it's somewhat understandable, you shouldn't confuse whatever it is you think you "need" from your co-worker (i.e. undivided attention) with what you've got with your wife. If this is how you and the chicky from work feel about each other now, and you end up with her, how will each of you deal with certain realities (like pregnancy or attractions to other people) as they come up? Or is it going to be okay to be like a honeybee, going from flower to flower to flower in search of of an unending source of nectar?

 

In the mean time, seriously think about what your wife and y'alls marriage means to you. Is it expendable? Or is it worth fighting for? Temptation will always be there, but you don't have to succomb to it.