Unrequited love

[janwriter]

Well where do I start? Sorry first time on here, a few years too late but perhaps hopefully still in time.

 

I have just turned 31 and I am still in love with someone from my past. Not just anybody. You see I have had a few boyfriends, went through all the ups and downs but nothing had prepared me to the way I felt. You see it was not a him but a she.

 

We were transitioning from beautiful St.Andrews University in Scotland in 1998 to do our clinical years in Manchester. I don't think I even liked her that much to start with. However in the small world that is college we became friends. She started visiting me, making plans and just about invited herself to visit my family home abroad. I was flattered by the attention of course. And soon we became the best of friends, sharing things, heart to heart that we had never told a soul before. It felt great, magical, like I had found my soulmate.

 

But also I felt scared, I mean I didn't know what to do.I was confused about the meaning of my feelings, the utter intensity and vulnerability. I battled with my own demons coming from a strict Catholic family whether to even accept these feelings. I had been with guys and had never felt attracted to another girl before. All I knew is that we matched.

 

Then all the signals seemed to be there, many said we seemed too close for comfort. We often fell asleep in the sofa together after drinking a few glasses of wine...We massaged each other's back...listened to jazz and had plenty of romantic dinners. All platonic of course.

 

Then one day she asked me. Do you want to talk about it? I didn't know what to say at first, I was wrecking my brain until I wondered if she meant about us. Well I could not sleep that night. After two or three hours in the early hours of the morning I finally put it down on paper. How felt about her.How I loved her.How if she wanted to stay friends it would be ok.

I finished the letter and put it under her door. I never slept.

 

The next morning I heard very happily chatting over the phone to her sister. I thought to myself this could be good news. But then I ran into her in the corridoorI was frightened and looked away. You see I didn't know what I was doing.

 

We agreed to meet that night in a restaurant. I should have known, somewhere big and impersonal where there could be no scenes. I will never forget as I was staring at the untouched food on my plate and she said. " What kind of love is it? Like the English Patient, is it platonic love ? is it romantic love?"

 

That blew me. So clinical, so razor sharp. I feebly said platonic and my hopes were dashed. I guess that would have been the end of that. But then when I did ask her how she felt, she told me she wasn't sure. "If you want me to be completely hones with you, I don't know. I know something happened but I don't know."

 

That was one conversation of many. It is funny how you can remember the most trivial of chats. Sometime I wish my memory were not that good.

 

Time went on, we spent a lot time together, she would even go as far as telling me that the one person she wanted to spend her birthday in the world was me. She knew I had fallen for her as well. How could I resist? Every time I walked away she would ask how I liked her. She even asked me to share a flat with here the following year.

 

Close friends thought I was crazy, sharing a flat with the best friend whom you are in love with. I thought perhaps if I find some flaws and see her for what she truly is because I will stop loving her. But I didn't. We had a beautiful year, went to ballroom dancing classes, stayed home and cooked each other romantic dinners and hug in the sofa night after night. I wrote her poems, we took walks and I even started to love her imperfections

 

 

 

One day however as I laid in bed, she must have thought I was out I overheard her on the phone to her mother. Saying how things were different between us now and how she felt about me. I was so happy.

 

So you know what I did, don't you? I asked her again, and again she wasn't sure. All the signals were there, as if she was interested in me but then as soon as I got too close she would back off. Those times were miserable and thank goodness I had good friends and my love for traveling and escaping away. I thought I was going crazy.

 

During those two years I did have two boyfriends who I tried to make it work. However it just didn't, I was in love with her. I went to Boston on my own, I went to New Zealand on an elective and tried all the things to put time and distance between us. We did write/email to each other at the time but I wasn't able to let go. I can't stand clingy people or obsessive love, and I hated to see myself in that light. I had had my dose of a stalker in the past and it wasn't pleasant. So I tried several times let's just be friends. I didn't realise she didn't let me let go. As corny as that may sound it is true.

 

As we graduated in 2001, after a long chat during which she said some very hurtful words I promised myself I would never tell how I feel again. And I have kept my promise. But those words, which are too painful to repeat, hurt me and I felt I had lost my best friend. Until then I was always forgiving, always wanting to please her but then...

 

She regretted the words and tried to get back together as friends for a while. But it all seemed so false. Like all she wanted was my attention at all times but nothing else. We had been emotionally closer than any physical relationships I had and it killed me. So I tried to let go. I met someone else and went out him for a few years.

 

Every now and again she would try to make contact. She had never had a boyfriend until three years ago, 2004. I found out via a friend that she was actually going out this guy. Two weeks later we all met at a wedding, it was very ackward. She asked me to dance. I think she had a bit too drink. Then later she told how she had cried during my reading on love at our mutual friend's weddings.

 

I disclosed nothing.I got very good at that, hiding my feelings. I knew how easy it would be to fall in love all over again. But I found it a relief that she was finally going out with someone. A guy. So that would be the end of that.

 

We stayed in touch on and off, apparently she had broken off with this guy after a few months. We met for dinner occasionally, had polite dinner conversations adn time went on.

 

Then come this time last year, all of a sudden she started calling me again. And asked if she could to stay at my family 's home abroad. It was spontaneous on my part and I said yes. We had lovely time, all very nice. She told me she missed me. And I told her how good her and boyfriend looked together. I was swallowing my pride, my feelings just trying to prove a point. That's when she told me she had broken off with him. We enjoyed our little time away together. And as the plane took off, she asked me to hold her hand, she was covered in tears but I looked away. You see, I did not want to read anything into this. Perhaps she missed me as friend, perhaps that was all.

 

The following months I was busy planning a work trip away. I wanted to leave England for a while and that's when I decided to come away to New Zealand for a year away. To get a breather, to meet new people and to get a new perspective on things.

 

I have been in New Zealand for 5 months now. She has written to me and emailed several times telling me how much she missed me. And if I was still keen we could go on road trips together. And if she had the nerve she would get on the 24 hour plane and come to see me.

 

 

I don't know why all this came pouring out of me now. I don't know why the thoughts of her have become more and more persistent. Why I find myself day dreaming once again about our happy times together and the possiblity when I know it is impossible. One theory is that I am finally getting a chance to sort out some feelings. But the truth is, I have not told any of this to my friends for a while. I wanted to believe I had moved on.

 

Can you help me? Can you teach me how to stop loving someone? I have tried time, distance, ignoring my own feelings. Why is is so damn painful ? Why is that she has been the only one to make me feel like this. To make me feel special and wanted, like a true soulmate. I wish the songs, the movies, the moutains and the sea did not remind me of her. I have done my grieving and my loss along time ago.

 

Sorry about the long winded tail... I have put the words down as the thoughts and memories came to me. I would really appreciate your help.

[Hestia]

You can't just learn not to love someone. We are not machines and we don't have a switch on/off button. I've tried to do that too and it's impossible. If it is meant to happen it will but you can't force it or it will backfire.

You obviously can't let go because this is an unresolved relation. Running away from it won't help, you can fool yourself into thinking you're moving on but it will all be fake and sooner or later it will show on the surface, like it happened to you. It's painful because your heart is screaming for her love back. Ignore it and it will scream louder.

You need to have closure or to work things out between you two and make it happen. What do you want? It's all about a choice you know? Do you want to stay with her or not? Whatever it is you will have to stick with your choice, there can be no turning back. There is no happiness in between.

Either way you have to do something.

I really think you should have a sincere talk to her. You should know what she wants too. Is it just friendship? Is it just attention? Does she want to try something more serious? Get those answers. Otherwise you will always wonder.

[JCD]

My suggestion to you is to go no contact with her so that you can heal. Then once you're healed, you'll look back at this and you'll find your answers then. Right now, you're too emotionally involved to see things clearly. Emotions do that to us. I also forced myself to stop daydreaming about her and it has helped me to heal faster. I'm stronger now, not reacting on my emotions as much as I did before because like you, I've been hurt before and don't want to be hurt again.

[VIP]

I think if you cannot stop loving somebody, then just accept it and live with it. Try to meet other people, you might not be able to love the same way again, but you can learn to respect and appreciate the other person, and may be learn to love him.

[janwriter]

I appreciate the replies, thank you.

 

It is hard to stop loving, I guess I never chose to start either. I think closure would definetely be in the agenda. At the moment I am half way across the world but hopefully there should come a time soon. We were actually planning a road trip in North America next year so perhaps the time together would be good. ONe way or the other. I guess I just wish I didn't care so much. I guess I just kick myself for letting it all resurface...it creeps up like a delusion perhaps or just mixed signals.

 

Thanks guys!