Anyone I haven't ruined??

[lost4ever]

I posted this in the OW/OM , but now I think, I need help (or a beating) from people who have been on all sides of affairs:

My life in a nut shell; I am married to a wonderful man, he works hard, he is so fun to be with, he is complete hottie and he loves me to no end. I married him 5 years ago. Last year, in May we had a huge fight (one of very, very few) anyway, I was heart broken over the things he said, (by the way, I did tell a white lie,) but the things he said crushed me, I left the house to live with my parents. A few weeks later, at an after work party, I became really intoxicated and slept with an mm from work. (No, this mm and I did not talk before, there was no EA before). The next morning I was extremely embarrassed, this is a man that is dis-liked by everyone, very rude, very arrogant, the worst part, all I could think was how he was going to tell everyone we hooked up; my plan, to get him to like me enough he wouldn’t tell. Dumb I know! After 3 months I am still not back with my husband, he is a total mess, I am still angry at him, and don’t know if I want to get a divorce or not, and still having a very casual (talk every 4 days, see each other for a night every 2 weeks) sex only affair. My husband begs me to come back for one month to see if I could forgive him, I say yes, and for some dumb reason I don’t end the affair.

OK trying to shorten this up, MM falls in love with me, I say no you can’t leave your wife for me, you can leave her, and we can get to know each other better, but not “replacing”. My husband and I separate again, my MM begs me not to go back to H (though still with his wife) I do go back to H, and still with MM.

 

I live with husband and somewhere along the way, I fall in love with MM, he falls out of love. I finally wake up break up with MM, to focus on H and relationship, the guilt kills me, I tell him of affair.

 

He is beyond crushed; I never imagined it would be this painful for him. I don’t know why I didn’t know it would be this painful, maybe because I never seen the aftermath of divorce, maybe I really didn’t think anyone could love me that much, maybe I’m such an evil person, I can’t fathom how anyone can love some one that much.

 

I can not stand myself, watching that wonderful man go through so much pain, is too much. All I want is to help him get on with his life to be happy. There has been NC with MM, my husband does not believe he can forgive or forget, and I don’t believe I want him to, I feel if I did this to him, I deserve to loose him. I don’t want the mm (don’t think he wants me neither), I don’t want to seek revenge and tell the MM’s wife (my husband says he will tell, I am still trying to talk him out of it) I don’t want to be the cause of another persons pain, I want to help heal what I did and that is it. I am not placing blame on anyone, I am not trying to not “own up” to what I did, I know I am a horrible, slut, whore, home wrecker and deserve to go to hell very slowly....I guess I needed to let it out to someone, maybe I just need to say, If anyone seen what I have seen, I don’t think anybody would cheat, ever! I knew I would hurt people, I didn’t know I would ruin people…I’m so sorry!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I feel very sorry for you. It sounds like you have self-destructed a wonderful relationship with your husband. All couples have fights but do not seek out other persons to sleep with while you remain with your partner.

 

Your husband is in a great deal of pain and wishes to inform the OM's wife about what has happened. Your response to continue to try to talk your husband out of doing this? What message are you giving your husband?

The message you are giving is the following:

 

1) Your value the feelings of the MM over your husband.

2) You priority is to protect your MM over the pain of your husband.

3) You send your husband a message that the affair could continue in the future since there is no consequences to his actions.

 

Your actions toward your husband has been cruel, painful and destructive. At least you were finally honest with him which is a positive.

 

Since you put your husband at risk for STD's then at the very least you need to get tested. You need to support your husband in what he needs to deal with his pain instead of protecting your MM. How do you think you would be feeling if your husband had done to you what you have done to him?

 

I would strongly suggest that you seek individual therapy to understand why you would engage in such behavior and destroy your happy marriage and inflict such pain and betrayal on a man that loves as much as you say. Do you think your husband would have ever done such a thing to you? If not it is because he respect you and the marriage too much. It is sad that you did not have the same respect and values as him. Please seek therapy as soon as possible.

I wish you luck.

[lost4ever]

[COLOR=black]Hi, thanks for the advice,not to sound like I'm avoiding, but we went to couples counseling and I went to individual counseling before I had an affair (and stayed with the counseling after for around 3 months). As for STD, when the affair started my husband and I DID NOT have sex, and have not, This maybe a lot of the reason he is so hurt, he seems to not care about my "feelings" for MM only the fact that, the sex was so good, I couldn't get in bed with him anymore because of it, I read that I am suppose to tell him everything, but he only ask about the sexual things, and ask all the time. as with the mm's w, everything you said is true, he believes that is my feelings, I guess I just have to let what happens, happen....[/COLOR]

[Bryanp]

Do you wish to remain married to your husband? It would certainly be very difficult for your husband to know that the sex was fantastic with the MM. It would be very destructive to his ego and self-image. I think if you refuse to be intimate with your husband now because the sex was so good with the MM then really what is left?

 

I understand that you would want your husband to be more concerned and want to know more about your emotional feelings toward your MM; but most men can only deal with the images of their spouse having fantastic sex with their MM. The image is too powerful at the beginning to think about anything else. My advise is that if you are seriously interested in staying in your marriage that you and your husband need to regain the intimacy that was stolen by your affair. Again if the roles were reversed how do you think you would be feeling if your husband continued not to be intimate with you because the sex was so fantastic with his lover? I suggest you would feel humiliated, rejected and dejected. What would you want if the roles were reversed? I wish you luck.

[bish]

guess my post had a little too much truth in it.....cuz its been deleted.

[lost4ever]

bish-- didn't erase your posted, and actually replied to it. Its on the OM/OW thread...I stated I posted both places, please refer back to that post..thanks

bryanp, No I don't want to stay married, I want to help him in every way to get over this, we both stated that

1. he could never forgive me,

2.I would have never done this if I wanted it to work

3. We both also agree our marriage was over from the moment we had the fight a year ago, we were trying to save a lost cause and all that ended up was me hurting him very very badly

 

Back to the mm better then him in bed, We never had a good sex life, well he never thought it was good, 2-3 times a week was not enough for him, and it caused a lot of tension. I heard that I am suppose to tell him the whole truth, and what I told him when he asked if mm was better in bed was this.. I enjoyed having sex with mm, I do not believe it was because he's bigger than you, he in most peoples minds; not good looking at all, not even close to as good looking as you, and we did not have the frequency that you and I had, so in my mind it was better, only because, it was new, it was always in the most expensive hotels, after the most exciting night out. This did not have the effect I thought it would and caused maybe even more heartbreak...can you see were I'm going with this, everything I read and think I am suppose to do ends up being not at all what I should have done, starting with even telling him in the first place...I need advice on how I should go about this..I don't want to leave him, he won't/dont "talk" to his friends about this stuff, he has no family....and I am trying to be his "friend" and the one thats divorcing him at the same time, (I'll get crap for this next one) but also trying to figure out how I am going to make it through the grief of what I did

[Bryanp]

Well I do wish you luck if you both have decided that it is over. I gather your affair is what they call an exit affair since you said you would not have done this if you had wanted to remain in the marriage.

 

I am sorry that things will not work out for the both of you. You are choosing to divorce which is certainly your right. He is choosing not to forgive you which is his right. On the other hand he has the choice to forgive you and you have the choice to work on your marriage. I wish you luck.

[Cobra_X30]

lost, you seem like a decent person.

 

Honestly, I dont think you can be his friend until the divorce is final. I know you want to atone for what you have done... but your only making it harder for him to move on.

[lost4ever]

Thank you, I know that is what I need to do. I just feel so bad when he begs me to stay (not forever) just til..whatever...he is pretty dependent on me...not to sound all "I'm all that" I'm sure all spouses are dependent on the other and I have had time to think about steps I'll take, he hasn't...just want to make sure I'm at least being fair

[Darth Vader]

Well I do wish you luck if you both have decided that it is over. I gather your affair is what they call an exit affair since you said you would not have done this if you had wanted to remain in the marriage.

 

I am sorry that things will not work out for the both of you. You are choosing to divorce which is certainly your right. He is choosing not to forgive you which is his right. On the other hand he has the choice to forgive you and you have the choice to work on your marriage. I wish you luck.

 

 

Lost, it may not have only been an exit affair, but, a revenge affair, well, congratulations, you got it, and it destroyed him. I have to wonder how many times he's turned down other women while you go ride another man and have great orgasms. One other thing, he's hurting right now, wait til the RAGE hits! It won't be pretty, rest assure, then you'll really want to get away from him, let him find someone else better, he deserves it. Oh, I know I'm harsh, but, I tell it like it really is. But my harshness is nothing to be compared to what you've inflicted upon him. You can't blame the booze for what you did, cheating is not accidental, period.

[bish]

Thank you, I know that is what I need to do. I just feel so bad when he begs me to stay (not forever) just til..whatever...he is pretty dependent on me...not to sound all "I'm all that" I'm sure all spouses are dependent on the other and I have had time to think about steps I'll take, he hasn't...just want to make sure I'm at least being fair

 

He may be begging you to stay, but he isn't thinking clearly. He really doesn't realize how truly miserable he would be if you two stayed together....because he'd be reminded every day that he is with a cheater when he sees you simply walk into a room.

[Cobra_X30]

The best way to help him may be to get him into counseling, provide him some books like "after the affair", and go no contact for 6 months. Some times tough love is the best thing you can do for a person. Vader is right he will hit an anger stage at some point, that is where you can help him get through that by bieng a friend.

[Cobra_X30]

Oh, you need to STOP protecting the MM. What a worthless waste of resources that guy is. His wife needs to know. I know other poeple are going to say thier marriage is none of your business. Thats just dumb, you made it your business when you started messing with her husband. So she deserves the opportunity to decide whether she wants to stay with this loser or not. Dont rob her of that opportunity, the infection is already there in her marriage. You can inform her so that it can be treated, or you can let it fester until its too late. Ignorance is NEVER bliss.

[lost4ever]

[COLOR=black]You are both right, I read Vader’s post before I retired for the night, and all I could think about is his anger stage. The big fight a year ago....I wanted to go to counseling for things that happened in my childhood, he convinced me that I could just talk to him, so I told him all the horrible things in detail, with no thought of it. He went to our cabin fishing, I stayed home to go out with the neighbors, he has a little bit of a jealous streak, so when he asked me who all went, I said there was one more girl, then actually there was (meaning I made it sound like I was odd person out, but actually, no) He found out! He went to the middle of the street, in our neighborhood and started screaming to the neighbors, "I can't believe no one told me my wife was a whore, sleeping with every one in the neighborhood, no surprise she's a slut when..(insert things I told him) and she's... because...(insert things I told him)..."you get the picture...Now all I can think about is he will show up to my work and do the same thing..I have this vision of him coming into the building and screaming how much of a..... I am and letting everyone know everything that ever happened to me in my childhood...[/COLOR]

[Cobra_X30]

[COLOR=black]Ouch. You're H sounds like he has some big issues to deal with. He really needs to get into therapy. Listen, when you tell someone something like that in confidence you are trusting that they not share it or use it against you. So in a very real way he betrayed that trust. Not to say your response was appropriate. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]You need to get into therapy also, or something. Just from your posts I would wager you have self esteem issues and self destructive tendencies. Don't go through life wanting to hurt yourself or thinking you dont deserve good things.[/COLOR]

[Darth Vader]

[COLOR=black]Ouch. You're H sounds like he has some big issues to deal with. He really needs to get into therapy. Listen, when you tell someone something like that in confidence you are trusting that they not share it or use it against you. So in a very real way he betrayed that trust. Not to say your response was appropriate. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]You need to get into therapy also, or something. Just from your posts I would wager you have self esteem issues and self destructive tendencies. Don't go through life wanting to hurt yourself or thinking you dont deserve good things.[/COLOR]

 

 

Very True what is said here. It was very wrong what he did, in exposing your childhood, true. However at the same time the cheating thing was even worse, apparently I was correct about it being a revenge affair, well you got it, I hope you're happy with yourself. If he was to go to your work, or spread it to your neighbors, yes, it would be horrible, (the part about the affair), would be in a sense justice served. The more honorable thing to do when he exposed your past was to leave him, and file for divorce, and that's being the worse thing that should've been done, because now, you may have exposed yourself and your husband to AIDS! I don't know if you two have had sex yet, but if not, I highly suggest that you get tested for HIV, and other STDs, because you don't want to make another LuLu of a decision by possibly killing your husband with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS! Why do I stress this, because you don't know how much that wonderful, incredible man who gave you so many orgasms has messed around on his wife, I'm sure you're not the first, and if your husband is forbidden by you to tell his wife, like you can stop him:rolleyes:, you won't be the last. Oh, when you do divorce, don't try to take him for what he's worth, leave him alone, his house etc. Oh, I sure hope you're not laying blame towards your husband for your screw up, because all cheaters blame the victim in these circumstances, example : I slept with so and so because you did this that, or the other.......... unmet needs, etc. BULLCRAP!!!!! Nothing justifies cheating! NOTHING!

Welcome to the Dark Side!!!!

[halfarock]

What’s the big deal? Husband says hurtful things to wife. Wife gets so upset she moves out. Wife has affair with MM, gets back with husband, ends relationship with MM. Wife feels guilty, tells husband. Husband reacts like a jerk, as was, I’m sure, predictable.

 

lost4ever, your biggest mistake was telling your husband. You should leave him for good. Stop feeling shame and get on with your life.

[Cobra_X30]

lost4ever, your biggest mistake was telling your husband. You should leave him for good. Stop feeling shame and get on with your life.

 

 

I hope your kidding. If you are thats not funny.

[bish]

What’s the big deal? Husband says hurtful things to wife. Wife gets so upset she moves out. Wife has affair with MM, gets back with husband, ends relationship with MM. Wife feels guilty, tells husband. Husband reacts like a jerk, as was, I’m sure, predictable.

.

 

Well she needs to make up her mind...is he a jerk or is he not?

 

She praises him in the initial post saying he is a "wonderful man" a hottie and loves her dearly.

 

Then they get in an argument...she says he said some hurtful things....as if she didn't either. So they get in an argument and say things they didn't mean....happens all the time. Couples WILL argue.

 

Then because of one rare argument they had, she goes out and screws another man? And HE is the jerk? Don't think so.

 

He had every right to be angry with her for spreading her legs for another man because of a stupid argument. Her biggest mistake wasn't telling her husband...her biggest mistake was f#cking another man.

 

Her husband needs to get on with HIS life. He doesn't need a cheater in his life.

[halfarock]

I hope your kidding. If you are thats not funny.

Have you not read what lost4ever has been saying? She obviously no longer wants to be with her husband but lingers on because she thinks she needs to right whatever wrong she thinks she did. Why deal with the headache of something that isn’t going to get fixed. It’s time to move on.

[halfarock]

Then they get in an argument...she says he said some hurtful things....as if she didn't either. So they get in an argument and say things they didn't mean....happens all the time. Couples WILL argue.

 

Then because of one rare argument they had, she goes out and screws another man? And HE is the jerk? Don't think so.

 

But it wasn't just a little argument. She left him over it. They were separated when the affair began. I just don't see what lost4ever did that was horribly wrong.

[halfarock]

Then they get in an argument...she says he said some hurtful things....as if she didn't either. So they get in an argument and say things they didn't mean....happens all the time. Couples WILL argue.

 

Then because of one rare argument they had, she goes out and screws another man? And HE is the jerk? Don't think so.

 

But it wasn't just a little argument. She left him over it. They were separated when the affair began. I just don't see what lost4ever did that was horribly wrong.

[Cobra_X30]

Have you not read what lost4ever has been saying? She obviously no longer wants to be with her husband but lingers on because she thinks she needs to right whatever wrong she thinks she did. Why deal with the headache of something that isn’t going to get fixed. It’s time to move on.

 

First, I am pretty convinced that she didnt want to be married to this guy in the first place. His reaction to her "white lie" is just proof of why she wasnt 100% sure about her H. Yes everyone thinks she should move on, and get some therapy to grapple with the guilt.

 

However when you state that telling him was a bad move, I seriously disagree. Actually this starts the healing process. I dont think you should be telling people to lie to thier spouses. I especially dont think that you should be telling her that she was wrong in bieng Honest... it sends the wrong message.

[East of Jupiter]

But it wasn't just a little argument. She left him over it. They were separated when the affair began. I just don't see what lost4ever did that was horribly wrong.

 

Actually, she continued the affair after she got back with her husband. That's no small thing.

 

However ...

 

Lost, take a deep breath hon. You are not a monster and you are not the first or last person to screw up. Start there.

 

Unless you have a long history of doing such, then give yourself a break. You made some very bad mistakes. Yes, you should go to counseling so that you can figure this out for your own sake and your future relationships. Otherwise, you will carry this baggage and deliver it on yet another unsuspecting victim.

 

With no intention to be mean, I say you are still being selfish. You are sticking it out with your husband to make yourself feel better about the pain you cause him. It won't work.

 

If it is true you have no future, then please, make a graceful exit. Tell him everything you can with as much love in your heart as you can. Let him start to heal and move on with his life.

 

Lastly, you are not a whore or evil or any of those things. It will do no one any good to martyr yourself this way.

 

As for the MM? Yes, his wife should know. She should be tested for STD's as well. It is very likely you are not her husband's first affair. And you should be concenred about HPV. I know this is embarrasing and hard but it is what is fair and right.

 

Just be kind and honest with your husband. That's really all you can do now. Stop thinking about yourself. Frankly, it sounds like he needs time to get over the anger before he can deal with things. I know this part so well.

[lost4ever]

wow, so many different views, All which have some valid points

Yes I do have Self Esteem issues (always have). I didn't think I had self destructive tendencies until this past few days..I almost committed myself to a mental hospital, but I convinced myself it would ruin my career (well anyways, not relevant to post). I will get counseling though skeptical, last time I went I didn't think it was helpful, The counseler would ask me if I hate myself, I would answer yes, he would say why then everything I would tell him he would say, but your not...doesn't make me feel any better when some old guy, that don't know me tells me your not as bad as you think, (pretty sure I know myself better than anyone)

 

Darth, the more you say this was a revenge affair, the more I start to believe you, I now believe (though not intentional) that I wanted to hurt him, which with my whole heart regret! I deserve what I get, I will be accountable for my mistake....

 

Now for the update. The mm called me today, asked why I will not return his phone calls ect. I told him, I told my husband everything, that I meant what I said, when I said I no longer want to carry on an affair ( I did not tell him if my H and I were separating, didn't think it was any of his business), and that I truly regret the pain I have caused my husband. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I told him my husband may tell his wife everything that has happened....He called back a few minutes later and asked if I would lie to my H and tell him that he told his wife everything and that they were divorcing, I told him I would not lie to my H anymore, and that though I would not be the one to tell his W, I will not be the one to lie.....Oh, and I did go to doctors to get tested.

My question, I know my husband and I are not going to stay together, should I inform him of the talk MM and I had today, or just let it go?

and another question, way off topic...Why is it when W says she broke off affair, most people (my H included) believe it's not true, they say things, like "oh you didn't break it off, he just didn't want you" But when the MM breaks it off it's b/c he finally seen the light, and knows that he really loves his wife....really irks me

 

and really, thanks to all of you for the advice, even Bish ;-)