Anyone I haven't ruined??

[Cobra_X30]

lost,

 

I think what you did was perfect. The MM is now forced to tell his wife so that he can put his own spin on the affair. I think it would be fair to let your H know about the conversation you had with MM, but really thats your call.

 

I remember doing family therapy when I was younger. The therapist told me I had anger issues. I responded by calling her a F***Tard and stormed out of her office. I never went back and I dont think it helped anyone in my family, but maybe that was because I wasnt there. Anyway, sometimes your just not in a place for therapy. I hope you are.

 

Its the generalizations on why people have affairs. Its common to view women having affairs because they fall in love with someone else. Men are viewed as just looking for some booty. So based on that generalization its easy to assume that the girl just gets humped and dumped, not the other way around. Its just as dumb as any other stereotype.

 

I hope things get better for you because you really seem like a good person. But you will have to believe that yourself before it really means anything.

[halfarock]

My question, I know my husband and I are not going to stay together, should I inform him of the talk MM and I had today, or just let it go?

Just let it go.

 

However when you state that telling him was a bad move, I seriously disagree. Actually this starts the healing process. I dont think you should be telling people to lie to thier spouses. I especially dont think that you should be telling her that she was wrong in bieng Honest... it sends the wrong message.

Is this the lesson to be learned? Look all over this board and all the others like it. Telling never helps, never makes it better. It only makes things worse. Just look at all the threads were the guy told his wife that some guys got him to go to a strip club. All hell breaks loose. The ones with actual affairs are even worse. There was even one thread were the guy was all pissed off because his wife of 6 years admitted to had having sex before she met him. And then here, what happens;

 

He went to the middle of the street, in our neighborhood and started screaming to the neighbors, "I can't believe no one told me my wife was a whore, sleeping with every one in the neighborhood, no surprise she's a slut when..(insert things I told him) and she's... because...(insert things I told him)..."you get the picture...Now all I can think about is he will show up to my work and do the same thing..I have this vision of him coming into the building and screaming how much of a..... I am and letting everyone know everything that ever happened to me in my childhood...

 

Cobra, I can see your advise, be honest and let the monsters loose.

 

I’m often honest to a fault but sometimes there are things best left unsaid.

[Cobra_X30]

Halfarock, I respectfully disagree. In all of those instances... the strip club included the damage was done in the deed. Remember that truth exists regardless of perception. Affairs and other misdeeds thrive in secrecy. Nobody has the right to rob a BS of the choice to remain in the R. If the R is maintained under false pretenses you have taken that choice from them. For what? To protect thier feelings? Much too late for that. They have a right to know the truth of who they are choosing to spend thier lives with.

[Darth Vader]

Lost, have you ever thought about handing the OM's phone number to your husband so he can call OM's wife? Oh, you should tell hubby about OM calling you. I would tell him about the call, and then hand him OM's home phone number. Let you hubby tell all to her.

[East of Jupiter]

If you have turned the leaf and want to no longer hurt your husband, I would tell him of the call. Yes, he will be pissed and may distrust what you say but trust me on this, the act of being honest will plant a new sead in the emotional wasteland he is living in right now.

 

Also, it is possible that if and when the MM's wife finds out, she may be calling you or your husband. You DO NOT want your husband to find out about this call from either the MM or his wife. That would be really bad at this point.

 

As for those who think a spouse shouldn't be told, just ask yourself if it were you, would you want to be the fool? Would you like it if your spouse is having sex with someone else than coming home and having sex with you? How about discussing your marriage and your possible shortcomings with a stranger? How about catching a nasty little bug and giving it to you? How about exposing your kids to some other m/woman?

 

I think it is always easy to say when it is not your life that someone else is messing with.

[tinke]

when i read your original post, i believed then, that you sabatoged the marriage. you couldn't possibly have wanted to remain in the marriage, after you told him the news to relieve your own guilt. how did it benefit him? even after he pleaded with you to come back, you continued the affair.

sorry, but there i, too, believe there is no excuse to cheat. you could just sit down and talk with your husband before you leave for good. it sure seems like he is paying a huge penalty for your actions. even if you are no longer in love with him, try to be empathic.

[lost4ever]

Lost, have you ever thought about handing the OM's phone number to your husband so he can call OM's wife? Oh, you should tell hubby about OM calling you. I would tell him about the call, and then hand him OM's home phone number. Let you hubby tell all to her.

Darth, I (for selfish reasons) do not want any part in this. For one, I know damn well It will look like I am trying to break MM and his W up, so I can have MM. I told my husband of the affair, the affair was over (I broke it off) before I told H. I have told him 100% truth since then (Bish, insert comment here); and he still tells me that he knows I want the MM (if my H thinks this, who isn't) Number two My H and I live very differnt lives than MM and his W, my H and I both work, very good jobs, with no Kids. MM makes all the money in his home and his wife is the typical "I gave up my whole life to give you kids, and a life" I seen the pain I cause my H, I don't want to have her destruction hanging on me (and she will have more to loose), I don't think I can take the grief, at least not right now. My husband told me he wants MM to feel the pain that he feels, and I can understand that thinking, but that is not the result he will get, MM thinks (not true) that if he gets caught, who cares he gets a nice consolation prize (me). This is not his first affair, and it will not be the last, and though I feel sorry for MM's W...I am seriously torn with the two,

I should put a stop to his cheating ways (even though, I was not put on this planet to protect his wife)

I should only care about MY relationship (even though, I was the one that made her a part of my relationship)

[bish]

But it wasn't just a little argument. She left him over it. They were separated when the affair began. I just don't see what lost4ever did that was horribly wrong.

 

She f#cked another man when they were still married. I don't give a flying f#ck if they were separated. Thats no excuse. She still cheated and committed adultery.

[bish]

My question, I know my husband and I are not going to stay together, should I inform him of the talk MM and I had today, or just let it go?

 

You let it go. Because since you have decided that you aren't going to stay together, then this call from the MM now no longer matters. If you two were to decide to work on the marriage, then maybe yes, tell him so he knows you aren't keeping anything from him.

 

But in your case....just let it go and let your H go so he can get on with his life.

[bish]

Darth, I (for selfish reasons) do not want any part in this. For one, I know damn well It will look like I am trying to break MM and his W up, so I can have MM. I told my husband of the affair, the affair was over (I broke it off) before I told H. I have told him 100% truth since then (Bish, insert comment here)

 

What do you expect me to say? You told him 100% truth since then......and?

[Darth Vader]

Darth, I (for selfish reasons) do not want any part in this. For one, I know damn well It will look like I am trying to break MM and his W up, so I can have MM. I told my husband of the affair, the affair was over (I broke it off) before I told H. I have told him 100% truth since then (Bish, insert comment here); and he still tells me that he knows I want the MM (if my H thinks this, who isn't) Number two My H and I live very differnt lives than MM and his W, my H and I both work, very good jobs, with no Kids. MM makes all the money in his home and his wife is the typical "I gave up my whole life to give you kids, and a life" I seen the pain I cause my H, I don't want to have her destruction hanging on me (and she will have more to loose), I don't think I can take the grief, at least not right now. My husband told me he wants MM to feel the pain that he feels, and I can understand that thinking, but that is not the result he will get, MM thinks (not true) that if he gets caught, who cares he gets a nice consolation prize (me). This is not his first affair, and it will not be the last, and though I feel sorry for MM's W...I am seriously torn with the two,

I should put a stop to his cheating ways (even though, I was not put on this planet to protect his wife)

I should only care about MY relationship (even though, I was the one that made her a part of my relationship)

 

 

Well then, if you're not going to tell your husband about the call you got from OM, or give your husband the OM's number, if your husband really wants to call the OM, let him, it's his right. It'll be on him. I was thinking earlier, your husband and OM might have met somehow, perhaps OM made a comment to your husband about banging you, or some other sexual remark. Perhaps OM, that's if they know each other, was sleeping with you, and OM mentioned that he had some new chick on the side, not knowing that it was/is you, his wife. I'm mainly speculating, because guys talk trash to each other, but, sometimes it's not all trash, there can be an element of harsh truth there........ Your husband was faithful to you during the separation, wasn't he?

[lost4ever]

Yes, my husband was faithful (or smart enough not to tell me) there is no way the OM and my H have ever met, the OM lives 4 states away, the only time we see eachother is when we go on business meeting to the same state, which only once or twice happened to be in the state I live in or he lives in. I have never seen or talked to his wife. Once the MM took me to meet one of his friends, said I was his assistant, his friend hit on me all night then later on call MM and and if he thought I would be intrested in dating him, my MM laughed and said no....maybe he should tell the wife

[lost4ever]

What do you expect me to say? You told him 100% truth since then......and?

 

I just thought you would have a comment, you know maybe something to the fact of "why should he believe anything your lying, whore ass says"

 

Are you slacking???

[Darth Vader]

Yes, my husband was faithful (or smart enough not to tell me) there is no way the OM and my H have ever met, the OM lives 4 states away, the only time we see eachother is when we go on business meeting to the same state, which only once or twice happened to be in the state I live in or he lives in. I have never seen or talked to his wife. Once the MM took me to meet one of his friends, said I was his assistant, his friend hit on me all night then later on call MM and and if he thought I would be intrested in dating him, my MM laughed and said no....maybe he should tell the wife

 

 

I don't know if his friend even knew that you were married. If you two did anything while you two were staying around where his friend was staying, his friend might have heard you two having sex. I don't know the possibility of that happening though. Perhaps OM confided in his friend that you two were screwing each other, and he told him you were married as well. I don't think his friend would tell. Now if your husband is gonna tell OM's wife, he's gonna tell her, you can't stop him from doing that. I wouldn't try if I were you, you would be making a difficult situation more difficult. I don't know if you two used protection or not, but, that's another thing I thought of, could you be pregnant by OM? Remember, this is all speculation. Did you get tested for STDs yet?

[lost4ever]

Yes was tested, so was husband. I do not stop my husband from telling, I just remind him that he will not get any thing out of it. Anyways, was thinking today; He has two children, a small child (with his wife) and another child 12, he told me this child came from a R while in college, but now I put two, and two together, and his oldest child, would have been born out of college and while he was engaged to his wife. This in my mind puts a spin on things, he is a serial cheater, cakeman, what ever you want to call him, maybe I do need to let his wife know, thinking about posting him on one of those sites and hoping his wife googles him...

[East of Jupiter]

To tell you the truth I wanted to find out what xmm was made of and I found out not alot.

 

I am not blaming her I am just saying if everything wa hunky dory in both our marriages we would of not done what we did. For him to go back and act like everything is fine with his now is such a joke. I would really like to tell her the whole truth, but you right it is none of my business.

 

This boggles my mind. Are you not doing the same to a man that you just said stays with you because he "loves" you? How are you not made of the same cloth as MM. You are using someone else, just as he did. Why is it only justified when the betrayal isn't against you?

 

-----------------

 

I think she is still too confused with her own feelings to see the projection yet. She will eventually. She is still focused on the MM and his wife and not seeing her own reflection in them.

 

It takes a while to unravel all the jumbled emotions. That can be said for everyone involved.

 

The MM too, if he is even half decent.

[Darth Vader]

To tell you the truth I wanted to find out what xmm was made of and I found out not alot.

 

I am not blaming her I am just saying if everything wa hunky dory in both our marriages we would of not done what we did. For him to go back and act like everything is fine with his now is such a joke. I would really like to tell her the whole truth, but you right it is none of my business.

 

This boggles my mind. Are you not doing the same to a man that you just said stays with you because he "loves" you? How are you not made of the same cloth as MM. You are using someone else, just as he did. Why is it only justified when the betrayal isn't against you?

 

-----------------

 

I think she is still too confused with her own feelings to see the projection yet. She will eventually. She is still focused on the MM and his wife and not seeing her own reflection in them.

 

It takes a while to unravel all the jumbled emotions. That can be said for everyone involved.

 

The MM too, if he is even half decent.

 

 

It sounds like she is still in what's known as affair fog, from what you are saying. That's why she's so protective of the OM, the sex musta been that good to keep her like this for even these many months out. I have heard of affair withdrawal, like you crave something or someone from the affair, other than these things, I dunno.

[East of Jupiter]

It sounds like she is still in what's known as affair fog, from what you are saying. That's why she's so protective of the OM, the sex musta been that good to keep her like this for even these many months out. I have heard of affair withdrawal, like you crave something or someone from the affair, other than these things, I dunno.

 

 

I personally don't believe affairs are about sex. I don't think she is being protective of the OM. I think she is confused and in pain. One doesn't do their best thinking under these conditions.

[bish]

I just thought you would have a comment, you know maybe something to the fact of "why should he believe anything your lying, whore ass says"

 

 

You said that...not me.

[Darth Vader]

I think she is confused and in pain. One doesn't do their best thinking under these conditions.

 

 

This is true. However, affairs can be about sex.

[East of Jupiter]

This is true. However, affairs can be about sex.

 

 

You are right they can be. But do the participants know it? Aside from the sex addicts.

 

 

 

"There is an attraction in the affair, and I try to understand what it is. Part of it is the romantic projection: I like the way I look when I see myself in the other person s eyes. There is positive mirroring. An affair holds up a vanity mirror, the kind with all the little bulbs around it; it gives a nice rosy glow to the way you see yourself. By contrast, the marriage offers a make-up mirror; it magnifies all your wrinkles and pores, every little flaw. When someone loves you despite the fact that they can see all your flaws, that is a reality-based love." Dr. Glass

 

In the stories of what happened during the affair, people seem to take on a different persona, and one of the things they liked best about being in that relationship was the person they had become. The man who wasn t sensitive or expressive is now in a relationship where he is expressing his feelings and is supportive.

[Darth Vader]

You are right they can be. But do the participants know it? Aside from the sex addicts.

 

 

 

"There is an attraction in the affair, and I try to understand what it is. Part of it is the romantic projection: I like the way I look when I see myself in the other person s eyes. There is positive mirroring. An affair holds up a vanity mirror, the kind with all the little bulbs around it; it gives a nice rosy glow to the way you see yourself. By contrast, the marriage offers a make-up mirror; it magnifies all your wrinkles and pores, every little flaw. When someone loves you despite the fact that they can see all your flaws, that is a reality-based love." Dr. Glass

 

In the stories of what happened during the affair, people seem to take on a different persona, and one of the things they liked best about being in that relationship was the person they had become. The man who wasn t sensitive or expressive is now in a relationship where he is expressing his feelings and is supportive.

 

 

In alot of cases, yes. In lost's affair, I think it was about revenge to have sex with OM in part. The other part is her and her husband probably didn't have sex for months, so when she got drunk,(NO Excuse) she was horny and she took the opertunity to ride the OM like a bucking bronco.

[East of Jupiter]

In alot of cases, yes. In lost's affair, I think it was about revenge to have sex with OM in part. The other part is her and her husband probably didn't have sex for months, so when she got drunk,(NO Excuse) she was horny and she took the opertunity to ride the OM like a bucking bronco.

 

 

Yeah well I have sex on a regular basis. I'm still a horny drunk!

 

Learned my lessons the hard way.

[Cobra_X30]

Im not so sure that Lost4Ever is all that confused. Her reasoning for not letting her H make that call to the MM's Wife is pretty sound.

 

1. She is trying to protect her H from doing something out of his rage and pain that she believes he will regret later.

 

2. She does not want to see MM's wife in the pain her H is in. Though she seems conflicted as to whether this lady should know the truth. Id put money that MM's wife would say "another affair? I thought we were done with this"

 

3. Doesnt want to be seen as wanting to break up MM and his W, so that she can have him.

 

That reasoning doesnt sound too confused. Although I would agree that she has mixed feelings about MM.

[Darth Vader]

Im not so sure that Lost4Ever is all that confused. Her reasoning for not letting her H make that call to the MM's Wife is pretty sound.

 

1. She is trying to protect her H from doing something out of his rage and pain that she believes he will regret later.

 

2. She does not want to see MM's wife in the pain her H is in. Though she seems conflicted as to whether this lady should know the truth. Id put money that MM's wife would say "another affair? I thought we were done with this"

 

3. Doesnt want to be seen as wanting to break up MM and his W, so that she can have him.

 

That reasoning doesnt sound too confused. Although I would agree that she has mixed feelings about MM.

 

 

I think I see where you're going with this, any one of these could be true. All we know is what she is telling us. I'm not saying she's lying, no, but as we all know it's possible. She may have an alterior motive, or not.