Why Can't I Be Comfy being ME?

[georgejungle]

I find it sooo incredibly hard. I'm in my very early 30's,

I'm a very nice guy, respectful of others, polite, good

to my wife...But I Still Feel Like A People Pleaser...TOO

Much to the point where I feel it Hinders my potential

to be who I AM. It eats at me daily. I feel so much stress

and pressure because of it.

 

I mean, i am myself, i'm not fake. But in some situations,

i am. Be it the type of music i listen to or the types of clothes/

shirts i like to wear (would like to wear) or the things that I

like or believe in, i'm so afraid of offending anyone.

 

I think it comes from the pressure of being the one who had to

set an example for my much younger siblings, who looked/look

up to me. I guess I developed this passive agressive nature where

I Never wanted to Let anyone Down or Ever cause anyone

to Become Disappointed in Me, from an early age til now. My

mom used to make me feel very bad for disappointing her.

 

I think a lot of it is self-imposed pressure to be the right person

for everyone that i'm close to. In the last 5 years I've found

myself gravitating towards a darker sound in music, a darker look

in dress and i love it all. I'm still the same loving son to my parents,

the same loving Husband to my wife...Yet I feel bad about

dressing the way I do or Listening to the music I listen to now,

Much darker, heavier music than the Beach Boys type stuff I

used to listen to 5 years ago.

 

I've been secretly wanting to get some tattoo art done and have

drawn up cool things over the years, yet I don't have the guts

to do it. I want to so bad, just as an artistic statement of who I

am and the artsy things i love, yet I'm afraid that i'd feel judged.

It's not anything offensive, just little oingo Boingo Skeletons, etc.

I mean, If i'm walking down the street and I have a scary evil face shirt

on and Some nice elderly lady is walking towards me or little kids,

i'll cover my shirt, i feel bad and maybe a little embarassed, even

though I love those shirts and I love my music.

 

I know it shouldn't really matter what I like, how I dress, as long

as i'm a good kind person and I care about and love my family, and others,

Which i do. I'm nice to everyone. I do good deeds. But i have a major hard

time just being myself. I tone down a lot of the things I love for others,

Just In Case...I have these dumb fears and a lack of confidence i guess.

 

I want to be free.

[CaliGuy]

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" then stop comparing yourself to others. You really have to learn to love yourself before others will love you.

 

People pleasing is simply an indication that you are insecure with who you are.

 

Ben Franklin said it best: "A man who loves himself will have no rivals."

 

Learn to love and accept yourself for who you are then you will naturally be surrounded with the RIGHT people. People who accept you for who you are.

 

Because once you do accept yourself then you will not tolerate being around people who disrespect you.

[beautifulearth83]

I don't see why you couldn't be a friendly people-person while having tattoos and being into the things you're into.

 

But I gotta tell you, there are a lot of people and artists out there who feel they have a lot inside that others don't see through their facade.

 

Draw something that has skeletons and dark things on one side, and happy and nice things on the other. Maybe you can find a nice place in the middle.

[veronica12]

Hi GJ!

Welcome to the human experience!Why were we all raised to only look at our faults and play down our accomplishments?I suppose our parents preached "Humility is a virtue".Well, who else will sing our praises.I put so much pressure on myself to maintain a proper facade.I had critical parents growing up and they instilled that voice in my head that tells me "You're not good enough!".It is a daily struggle for me to break out of this.I am trying to change.I know that just living in the moment is very helpful to me.I can't change my past(my guilt!) and I can do anything about the future since it hasn't happened yet (my worrying!).I try to live in the here and now and trust my inner voice.I have tried to learn to love and accept myself.Be your own champion.We all have this same struggle.Be compassionate to yourself.If this was one of your friends asking you for help, what would you say to him/her? For what it's worth, I hope I helped.Thank you for your honesty.It is comforting to know I share other's experiences.

[lonelybird]

Hi, I had exactly same feeling as yours. Tons of burden that I cannot breath. I felt like others want me to do this, others want to do that, others want me to be someone else. Yes, I was a people pleaser too, and I hated that. I felt that "I" didn't even exist

 

And I went to another extreme, rebeling, just wanted to show them that I wanted to do just opposite they wanted me to do. Did not get me too far, not good too.

 

Then Lord Jesus has mercy on me:love:. He began to teach me to look into my heart, He taught me that the first important thing is to listen to HIm, because when I listen to Lord's voice and put my eyes on him, I am on the best side of myself:). He taught me that it is danger to please people all around you just for the sake of not offending them. First step is that you have to find out true you, what is your purpose in life. And when you find Lord and have a close personal relationship with Him, you find out who you really are:bunny:. You will not afraid to show others who you really are. It is freedom, I no longer live under other's opinions anymore, because I know what I should do, what I want to do. Others' negative opinions to me don't matter anymore, because I know that Lord loves me, when I do wrong, He will teach me.

 

Your slowly turning to backside things sounds that you are on the edge of spiritual choices. Lord is light, love, peace, no dark in him. He will teach you and guide you in your whole life.

 

Open your heart, you will be amazed

[georgejungle]

I Appreciate all your advice and support.

Yes, I believe it stems from upbringing, constantly

being taken on guilt trips as a kid/teen. That was my

mom's tactic, the almighty "Guilt Trip". But that can

break your spirit and cause a kid to doubt himself all

the time. it's no good. Being told by my mom when she

was mad at me, "get out of my face you make me sick"

at 14yrs old wasn't too cool to hear. She had probs of

her own, i suppose that's where i get mine. But she

is my Mother, so I love her.

 

But you know, i'm not a softy nor am I a wuss. I can

be strong, but just like all of us we have good days and bad

days. I don't sit around and mope or feel sorry for myself,

i strive to better myself, but it's a battle.

 

I'm not hurting anyone by dressing the way I do and I'm not

letting anyone down just because i can't be there for

everyone all the time. Maybe my want for tattoos and

darker attire "is" me rebelling in my 30's (ha!) but actually,

it's a path i've always admired but was afraid to try, for fear

my family wouldn't approve or they'd be disappointed in me.

I'm not talking drugs and rock n roll. I don't drink, i don't do drugs

and i'm proud of that. I'm talking the Hot Rods and Rockabilly/Punk

thing, with my good morals thrown in. You can't please everyone,

i know this, but i can't cement it in my head properly.

 

I know my problem is believing in myself. I'm going to work on

that. I'm going to just sit down, look at what i've done and what

i've accomplished in my life and find a good balance in Self

Confidence. Thanks for all your advice! This helped me a lot.

[sandybelle]

Read

Ben Franklin said it best: "A man who loves himself will have no rivals."

 

 

After reading this quote I realized that I don't actually love myself! what a discovery! For starters I criticize myself constantly .... I wouldn't do that to the person I love, right?

My question is: how come we're capable of loving other people but not ourselves?

[georgejungle]

Because those people are not us? Silly answer, but true i think.

 

Not sure, I mean i do hear about some people who are

unhappy with their lives and need someone else to make

them happy. They put all of their time and energy into

someone else and give their love, yet have none for themselves.

 

it's strange, i don't understand it. Humans are funny creatures.

I like myself, but i'm not crazy about the person that i am.

I'll bet i would feel tons better about myself and love myself

more, if I set out to do the things i'm scared to do.

 

Unless you're born and nurtured to be a strong, don't take crap

from no one, kinda person...It's hard to learn to love yourself

and be comfortable. Nobody can change your mind, but you.

It's a struggle i'm dealing with constantly

[amaysngrace]

George, you should just be you. If you want a skeleton tattoo you should get one. If you like to wear goth tees and work boots go ahead.

 

Don't be afraid that if you do what you want you won't get others' approval. Are they you? Is it their life or yours? Do you sit in judgment of them or do they seek your approval??

 

Yes it's true that for 18 years you were living your life to please your parents but you now have your own life. You are 30 years old. After 30 years of living, twelve of them on your own now, you have proven you are responsible enough to make decisions for yourself based on what you want out of life. You chose your career, your wife, where you live, you even chose to help a little old lady cross the street and be concerned with how you impress young children.

 

Thirty years from now you will be thinking of your retirement. And you may possibly have regret. Please don't regret not doing anything because fear was a factor. That's a real lame excuse. And it'll be you who has to live with the regret.

 

Do what you want as long as you aren't hurting yourself or anybody else. Do what's in your heart. Be free to be you...happily.

 

It's your responsibility to yourself to go for those things you wish for the most. They are a part of what make you who you are. So live your life for you too.

 

No worries. No regrets.

[lonelybird]

Not sure, I mean i do hear about some people who are

unhappy with their lives and need someone else to make

them happy. They put all of their time and energy into

someone else and give their love, yet have none for themselves.

I wonder this for a looong time too.

 

(1) Bible teach us to be selfishless, to help and love others, agaist self-indulgence.

 

(2) People pleaser basically do the same, to help and do things for others. some Nacissist personality actually do this. But usually they resent and hate others around them; from outside they are good people who are always helping other, but inside full of hatred. they consider other people all want to exploit them, and consider the "giving" is an act of decreaseing things from himself/herself.

 

So what's the different between two?

 

(1) the former is genuinly "giving" with love

 

(2) the later is "forced giving" with resentment and hatred.

The later consider the "giving" as a survival tacts, that other people around them may not hurt them if they just do whatever other people want them to do. And this will cause hatred to others and self. Why? they think others want to exploit them, and they hate themselves not dare to stand for themselves.

 

 

 

(1) The former one their love flow from inside of them that overflow to others around them.

 

(2) The later one don't have that unconditional love in themselves, they have few love in them, and no other source can afford them the unconditional love. so whenever they give it out, they consider their love decreased in them.

 

But the later one can full themselves with unconditional love, that is God's love. God's love is perfect. The more you read Bible, the more you believe in it, the more consider it, the more love you feel it. You can talk to God personally, you know that God answered you by his still small voice inside of you. God loves you even before you are born, isn't that amazing?