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Ms. Heartsick


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Hello, I'm a 31 year old woman. I fell in love with a boy when I was 9 years old, he was 15. Our mothers taught at the same University. He soon moved to another city. I couldn't forget him though we had barely ever spoken. When I was 17, I wrote him a long letter and told him everything that I have been wanting to say for 8 years. He remained silent. After almost one year I called him and he said that he was very surprised (understandably!) and that he had been seeing someone for a long time. It took me a few meetings and a couple of conversations on the phone to understand that it was time to wake up.

 

I met another guy soon after - the relationship was short lived - a total disaster, almost abusive and left me very bitter. I totally engrossed myself in studies and got a scholarship for a high ticket university. In between a lot of men asked me out/some even confessed love but no one clicked. I had shut myself to the idea of romance. Coincidentally the boy from my childhood and I met again, now after 6 years of our last meeting. He had gone through a rough patch and was very lonely. We became close friends but soon it was clear that there couldn't be a long term. It was a great friendship but not a relationship. I was a different person after all this time and I guess, so was he, from what I had conjured him to be. So after two years of a fun-filled though turbulent roller coaster ride, I decided to go away. He didn't stop me either.

 

I was teaching now as well as finishing my Ph.D, which is when I met someone I had been introduced to when I was in grad school. This person was a friend's friend and had asked me out twice back then, once almost telling me how much he liked me (we used to often meet at a weekly writers' meet). He was no where on my radar then. I guess he got the hint and stopped calling. After almost 3-4 years, once while clearing my mailbox I discovered some cute greetings he had sent a long time back. We discovered we were still in the same city and got together for a cup of coffee. We started meeting regularly after then and I don't even know when did I fall in love with him. I discovered only when he asked me one day, if I knew how much I love him, more than he loves me. For the first time in my life I was in a real relationship, and a beautiful one. We were living together, with an understanding that marriage will follow. He spoke about it all the time. I was so happy, I should have known it was too good to be true. Eventually I came to know a lot of things which were in complete disagreement with all that my boyfriend had told me about himself. I confronted him and he confessed they were true. I was very hurt because I didn't know if I could trust him again. Yet when he apologized I forgave him. But things changed after that; he changed. We were fine for another month when one day he said, matter of factly that he was too bitter about his parents' divorce and will never marry. I was quite involved here and tried to reason with him but he was adamant. He moved out. I called a couple of times and he was as cordial as ever. But it was I who was calling him all the while. We also decided to meet but he would cancel it or just not turn up. He would call later to apologize but I knew I was looking into a gaping hole. We eventually grew distant after that and now its been 4 months that we haven't spoken to each other. He never called, like I didn't matter.

 

I'm sorry for such a long post. The issue here is - 'IT HURTS'. Everything! He was supposed to be the perfect guy! I was the one who had shut herself up and look what I got when I opened myself to the world, to love? Is life done for me? Am I going to be single all my life? Why am I so lonely now? I was never like this! I was fine by myself. What has changed? Why now?

 

Sorry again! This reads like a damn soppy stuff. I couldn't have done better, not today!!

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Babel, just a few things I noticed:

 

Although your first crush had nothing to do with the end of your last relationship, you mentioned him anyway. Are you still carrying a torch for him?

 

According to your post, you've had one short, semi-abusive relationship, a good friendship with your first crush, and a long-term relationship with your ex.

 

That equates to one actual relationship in sum that actually came close to being "the one." I'll tell you right now, I'm in my third long-term relationship which has lasted over two years. Looking back, there is no way that I was experienced or ready to settle down for the rest of my life during or after dating my first boyfriend. I had a lot of growing to do, and a lot of painful lessons to learn.

 

I know you're depressed about the end of your last relationship, and worried that you'll never find "the one." You might be looking at previous, idealized relationships (such as the crush) and wondering if that might be an option for you.

 

But here's the deal: Relationships are like archery. Every time you shoot that bow, you get closer and closer to the target. Eventually you will hit the bull's-eye. But you can't expect to pick up the bow for the first time and hit the middle (unless you're extremely lucky.) It takes practice, work, learning from mistakes and correcting for them.

 

Your ex is long gone. If he hasn't called you in four months it's because he doesn't want to. It's a bitter, painful pill to swallow, but you need to grieve the end of that part of your life and move on. Think of him as the outer ring of the archery target. Next time you'll get closer. You learned a lot about yourself in relationships, and how the way people present themselves and how they really are are often different, right? So take that information with you, and when you're ready to give it another go, set forth with an open mind and a willing attitude.

 

Nothing worth doing is ever easy.

 

By the way, I highly recommend "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Harold H. Bloomfield et. al. It really helped me to cope with my feelings of loss and pain, and I have loaned it out to several people who have really loved it too.

 

All we can do is keep trying, keep learning, and keep loving. Good luck to you hon.

 

:bunny::bunny:

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Katie, thanks a lot for your response. I didn't come back to the site till today because after 24 hrs of no response, I thought 'what a waste of time!' Little did I know that someone's words could be so relieving. I really needed this, esp. now. No, I think the crush is quite over. He is no where a landmark, so to speak. Not in my head, not in reality.

 

 

"Relationships are like archery. Every time you shoot that bow, you get closer and closer to the target. Eventually you will hit the bull's-eye. But you can't expect to pick up the bow for the first time and hit the middle (unless you're extremely lucky.) It takes practice, work, learning from mistakes and correcting for them."

 

I think you're so right there. I just hope I'll get another opportunity to 'shoot the bow'. Right now, everything is dark! I'll grab the book. Thanks again!

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