To those of you in successful relationships...or at least wiser than I am!

[katiebour]

Heya GC,

 

Glad that my previous post may have helped a bit. LDRs are a difficult beast to quantify. On the one hand, you're not together, day in, day out. But on the other hand, maintaining a committment to someone that isn't around is much more of a sacrifice than being committed to someone that you see every day. In some ways it feels like you are more connected to them, simply because it takes that much more effort to stay close.

 

I met my ex-bf 6 months before I went to Japan to teach for a year. During the year I was there, we did the same as you, talking/messaging every day, and stayed committed to one another despite the time and distance. He came to visit 5 months after I went to Japan, and then I came home to the US for Christmas. But other than that we did not see each other.

 

When I came back and we moved in together, I thought everything would be a breeze. After all, we had weathered a year apart, something that none of our friends thought we were capable of.

 

When it fell apart 2 years after I came back, I was so incredibly sad and angry. We had gotten through so much together, had given up so much to stay together, and after all of that it doesn't work out?

 

It took me a long time to get over missing him. He broke up with me, not I with him, and the end came as a sudden and complete shock. I have heard it said that it takes about half the time of a relationship to get over that person and heal- thus for your 5-year relationship, you may reasonably need a few years to get completely back on your feet.

 

My current b/f had a 4-year LDR with his ex in Canada. He said that since their relationship was made up completely of talking, that it was closer in many ways than a physical relationship. You know how well you get to know someone when you talk with them, and only talk, every day. It's the equivalent of dating but waiting until marriage to have sex- you get to know them both as a friend and a romantic interest, but your connection is built on intellect rather than the physical.

 

When my last relationship ended, I blamed myself. I was deeply depressed and I thought my life was over. Although I would never commit suicide I wanted to die. I could not envision a future with a better man than the one that somehow I had lost, and so what was the point of life? I ended up moving cross-country to live with my folks, and before I moved I did a lot of casual dating that seriously diminished my average score on a purity test.

 

It has taken me a few years to completely come to terms with the loss, to stop feeling angry and sad. I recognize the mistakes that I made, and in the past few years, have in fact corrected most of the factors that added to the break-up. I also realize that it takes two to make a relationship, and although I had many faults I was not the sole cause of the end of the relationship.

 

I realized that my ex was in many ways not suited for me, and although we had many interests in common we also had many glaring personality conflicts. I am the type who wants to spend 98% of my time with a significant other- my ex was more of a loner and my constantly looking for his companionship drove him to isolate himself from me. The harder I pushed the faster he ran. We couldn't really talk about it because there was no resolving that problem- it was a basic incompatibility that I had not recognized when we first started dating. He hid his feelings and kept claiming that everything was fine, and emotionally he separated himself from me a year before we broke up. The actual break up was for him simply gathering the courage to tell me that he didn't want to be with me any more- for me it was an incredible shock because for the past year, I had continued to ask and receive reassurance that everything was fine. I don't know if any of my experience may ring some bells with you.

 

I have been lucky enough to meet someone wonderful with whom I recently celebrated a two-year anniversary. Taking what I learned from my last relationship, I looked more carefully for someone who was more compatible with me. I needed to analyse my past relationship, mine it for all its worth and all the lessons, before I could let it go. Having a wonderful current relationship has helped a lot too, but the process of forgiving and letting go has been a long one.

 

Work through it as best you can. Grieve your loss, be gentle with yourself. Write yourself a list of characteristics of your ideal mate, and think about how your ex deviated from that list. What can you do to find an even more wonderful person in the future? Go on some dates- nothing is as much a balm to a wounded spirit than the admiration of an attractive member of the opposite sex.

 

I wrote a lot of poetry and cried a lot. I also read the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Harold Bloomfield et. al., and it was a very helpful book indeed. I have loaned it out (and lost it) to several people who were going through break-ups- they liked it so much they kept it

 

Examining your experiences is part of the grieving process- it's part of "getting over him." There's no magic button to press to automatically make you feel better- it really does take time. Again, I really suggest that book.

 

You have said that it's been six months since you broke up- again, taking into account the "half the time of the relationship" rule, you still have a few years of healing to do. It's ok to still think about him and miss him. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, get a lot of sleep, try and take up some of your favorite activities. I did a lot of reading and taking of long baths.

 

You might spend some time in the "Breaking Up" and "Coping" sections of Loveshack- that's what brought me here in the first place and there are a lot of loving people there to help support you.

 

Good luck hon. <hugs>:bunny:

[Trialbyfire]

You have said that it's been six months since you broke up- again, taking into account the "half the time of the relationship" rule, you still have a few years of healing to do.

That to me would be blatantly unhealthy. To batter yourself for years will only do irreparable damage.

[che_jesse]

how did those of you who navigated these relationship hoops successfully manage it?

 

You know how when they ask couples that have been married for 30+ years how they make it work (like my parents) the response is always "communication"... this is exactly why.

 

I sit my husband down once I get calm enough and force us to discuss the issue, sometimes we need someones help to get it all out, sometimes we honestly just get bored of arguing but we always make it a point to keep talking. When we are unsure we look at each other and say "I want to fix this problem more then anything in the world, are you as committed?" The reply will probably we a very snappy "If I wasn't I wouldn't be here now would I?" (he says as he plays xbox and looks away).

 

You NEED to talk about these things. They will not resolve themselves it will fester until it explodes.

 

 

Refer to my thread in the family board titled "my mother in law is a **** and my husband does not see it." Its a good example of me starting the line of dialog on a topic we are having a problem with. Its messy and I sound crazy but for me its important to figure out what I'm saying and why I'm saying it before bringing it to him.

[Zapbasket]

I am so grateful. I came home and checked this board and I just cannot believe the incredible support from you all. Katie, your post made me cry--I mean I had a good cry for like 20 minutes I felt such relief and amazement at being understood so well by someone I've never met. Thank you. I want to respond to each of you individually and will when I get home tonight if it's not too late, or tomorrow. Thank you all so very much. (I'm assuming this face is "smiling through my tears" not...um...something much grosser?)

 

To che_jesse, a quick note: If you haven't already, it is a MUST to check out www.motherinlawstories.com.

[Zapbasket]

[posted too

[katiebour]

That to me would be blatantly unhealthy. To batter yourself for years will only do irreparable damage.

 

 

I disagree. It's not that you sit and wallow in sadness and despair for a few years, but that it may take a few years before you can fully come to terms with the situation and arrive at a feeling of peace.

 

My litmus test was to check my ex's webpage- when I finally stopped feeling a shock every time I saw his face, or read about his wedding plans, I knew that I was finally fully accepting the situation.

 

As far as breakups go, it's as if the other person has died. They are suddenly, shockingly, gone from your life, and what makes it worse is that they chose to leave. You wouldn't tell someone whose significant other had died "it's been 6 months already, get over it." You go on with your life, but you need time to grieve and to accept.

 

That's my opinion, anyway.

[Trialbyfire]

I disagree. It's not that you sit and wallow in sadness and despair for a few years, but that it may take a few years before you can fully come to terms with the situation and arrive at a feeling of peace.

 

My litmus test was to check my ex's webpage- when I finally stopped feeling a shock every time I saw his face, or read about his wedding plans, I knew that I was finally fully accepting the situation.

 

As far as breakups go, it's as if the other person has died. They are suddenly, shockingly, gone from your life, and what makes it worse is that they chose to leave. You wouldn't tell someone whose significant other had died "it's been 6 months already, get over it." You go on with your life, but you need time to grieve and to accept.

 

That's my opinion, anyway.

I agree you need time to grieve and to accept. The only issue I have is for the length of time you allow yourself the luxury. Self-evaluation should be done after you've moved on so you are able to distance yourself from the emotional lows of letting go. People beat themselves up far too much over break ups where both are responsible. My opinion is that it's a form of control. If it's all your fault, you continue to control the situation.

[katiebour]

I agree you need time to grieve and to accept. The only issue I have is for the length of time you allow yourself the luxury. Self-evaluation should be done after you've moved on so you are able to distance yourself from the emotional lows of letting go. People beat themselves up far too much over break ups where both are responsible. My opinion is that it's a form of control. If it's all your fault, you continue to control the situation.

 

I can see what you're saying- I agree that people shouldn't beat themselves up for years over the end of a relationship. However, nowhere in grieving or healing is it implicit that you blame yourself.

 

I don't think that the OP in this case needs to beat herself up over losing the ex- there's two sides to every issue and he obviously had some major communication difficulties. I simply think that her self-evaluation may be a form of healing, and that greater examination of the circumstances will help her to see where both sides went wrong. As time goes on she'll be able to work on her own problems and insecurities, and use her evaluation of the ex as a way of identifying and avoiding those characteristics in future relationships.

 

For me, my evaluation of the relationship was part of getting over it. For others it may be that that part of healing had to wait until evaluation did not immediately lead to beating oneself up. Everyone is different.

 

But I definitely see where you're coming from TBF.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think that the OP in this case needs to beat herself up over losing the ex- there's two sides to every issue and he obviously had some major communication difficulties. I simply think that her self-evaluation may be a form of healing, and that greater examination of the circumstances will help her to see where both sides went wrong. As time goes on she'll be able to work on her own problems and insecurities, and use her evaluation of the ex as a way of identifying and avoiding those characteristics in future relationships.

 

For me, my evaluation of the relationship was part of getting over it. For others it may be that that part of healing had to wait until evaluation did not immediately lead to beating oneself up. Everyone is different.

I also see where you're coming from kb.

 

One thing I want to stress though, is when you're still heavily mired in the emotional lows, you can't logically assess yourself or your ex. It will be a cycle of saying, if I had done this, maybe things would be different or if he hadn't been so [insert whatever], maybe things would be different. No matter how many times you cycle, it's the same end result. It's over, done, finito... and it's time to move on.

 

Once you've moved on, you can then fairly analyze the situation. Okay, here are the things I want to change about myself and sincerely make those changes. When the changes have become part of your personality, this is the best time to look back at his behaviour and say, could I have put up with this or not? Was his behaviour so bad or so good? Not so much an analysis of his behaviour, but your reaction to future triggers.