feelings for my friend's girl

[erotomania]

I have been friends with an acquaintance from high school for about a year and a half. Since then, we have become very good friends. When we started hanging out, I also met his girlfriend who he has now been dating for two and a half years.

 

For about the first month we started hanging out, I just considered her my friend's girlfriend. But as we got to know each other we became friends as well, and all three of us have become close friends.

 

However, for abour the last six months I have been much closer to her than him, ever since she told me I was her only true good friend (besides her boyfriend, even though she told me there were certain things should coudln't tell him that she could tell me). We have given each other advice on many personal issues.

 

I have always considered us to be strictly friends, even though sometimes I would get the feeling she was (probably inadvertently) flirting with me. One time, about three months after I met her a bunch of friends were riding in my car with me, and she was sitting in the back seat. Every time I would look at my rear-view mirror to watch cars behind me she would look at me through the mirror and smile, and I'd smile back.

 

Well, getting to the point, a few months ago I stopped lying to myself and told myself I had a crush on her. But now I think I am in love with her. This last month I have been hanging out a lot more with her, and the more time I spend with her I feel that way. A couple of weeks ago we grabbed lunch together and I gave her a ride back to school. We did, however, hang out in my car for about 10 minutes just goofing around and talking about random stuff and eventually started flirting by tickling each other (I know if my friend had seeing us he would have been pissed). I was so tempted to kiss her, and I almost did. A few days I felt the same; despite her boyfriend being there I felt the temptation to want to kiss her. But what has stopped me? He is still my good close friend.

 

In fact, about four months ago they broke up and I encouraged both of them to get back together. Never have I tried to sabotage their relationship for my benefit. Since I've been close with them I have given both of them advice when they'd get into fights. Because they are both close friends, I have always been neutral, though I have openly taken sides when I believe someone made the mistake, and I'm pretty sure they have always been grateful for that, which is why I feel even more guitly about even thinking about it. Even when just her and I hang out, we're never discrete about anything, we always tell him when we have hung out or if we're going to. To top everything off, his mom has also told me that she is grateful I have been a good friend to him (something he must have told her, because I rarely see her).

 

I'm 99% sure she has at least some feelings for me. I am never the one to start flirting, and she tends to be touchy with me. I have a gut feeling that if I was to make a move on her I would recieve a good response.

 

My guess is that she is confused as well. My friend and I do share a lot in common, everything from hobbies and interests to ideology. I can see the end of their relationship in the near future (and I'm sure they see it as well), so I wonder if thats another reason she feels comfortable around me. I feel great to have her in my life but at the same time I don't have her in the way that I'd like to.

 

Perhaps I may be a little optimistic, but I feel fairly confident about my feelings towards her. I was in a two year relationship with a girl that started with her being with another guy (though I actually didn't like him, so I found it easier to make a move). She ended up leaving him for me, and the way we became close is very similar to how this girl and I have become close. I even tell her about this girl whom I have a crush on, but yet I still think I am in love with her.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'd at least like to tell her how I feel, but I feel it would only be a mindgame. Sometimes I feel like I'd like to tell HIM how I feel about her.

 

I have only been told the two fare ends of the spectrum from other people (that don't know my friends): it's either "Your friends' exes are always off limits" or "You're an idiot for not making a move earlier." Given that I'm sure they'll break up sometime soon, when/how would you define there to be a fair game?

 

I love my friend and I am in love with his soon-to-be ex; will it ever be ok for me to date her?

[sexiiladii68]

Well...this is kind of confusing, if you and him had only been friends for a short amount of time, it wouldn't seem as much like you were "betraying" him. And from what you're saying, those two have been together for a long time. It's a tricky situation. I would honestly say though, before you tell HER exactly how you feel, I would definitely bring it up with your guy friend. Obviously not right after they break up...but maybe a month or so later, just casually say "oh she's pretty cool" and see how he takes it, and then if it seems ok, just let him know that you've always respected the friendship you have with him and with her and that you've kept it inside but now you honestly want to make it more. I hope things work out with your situation :-)

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I think you need to let your friend's relationship with her run its course. Once that has happened (if they do break up), you have a very delicate situation on your hands. It probably depends on a number of factors, including how much he actually loves her, how close you and your friend really are, and how she feels about it all. Once they have broken up completely, try to judge how it has affected your friend (the guy), and see if he is really hurt and/or still wants her back. If he does, and he is your truly close friend, I think you need to not make a move - at least not for quite some time. If he is like "who cares", "I'm better without her anyway - next", then I think you may have a shot. After a tactful period, bring it up with your friend indirectly, and see what he says.

 

I have had some great, very close friends in my life, some of which are still my friends, and some of which have faded away, but I have never stolen a good friend's girl, and I would probably break all contact forever with a good friend who I thought had intentionally done that to me. That would just be wrong. On the other hand, if one of my really good friends hooked up with one of my exes, I might not like it depending on which one, but I would probably learn to forgive, as long as it was completely over between me and the girl first, and as long as I was over her. I might not want to hang out with "them" all that much (because exes are exes for a reason), but I probably wouldn't hold a grudge against my friend or consider it to be a huge betrayal as long as the relationship I had with her was finished, and as long as I was satisfied that it was largely an accident. That said, all relationships are different. Just few weeks ago, a good friend of mine broke up with his reasonably hot girlfriend. My friend and I were hanging out at the pool a week or two after the breakup, and he actually came out and said, half kiddingly, "I'm done with her, do you want her? - I'll set you up". I didn't, because she really isn't my type, but if good friends are close enough, that sort of thing can happen. I was friends with her too, but not that close, and to be honest, while very physically attractive, there was always something intangible about her that made me not interested.

 

If your friend has that sort of attitude about it, I think you might have a good chance. If your friend is devastated, you probably need to back off and stay backed off. Sometimes being a good, loyal, honorable friend, is not a fun thing to do - but in the end, it will be worth it, because you will like what you see in the mirror in the morning.

 

That said, if you really like this girl, time may make all things possible. The more time that goes by (as long as he is mostly over her) between their breakup (which I'll remind you has not happened yet), and your start-up, then any perceived betrayal will be greatly reduced.

 

Just be aware that you are playing with fire. You may end up losing a friend if this is not handled right. In addition to that, there is the issue of being able to live with yourself - that is between you and your own conscience. This whole issue is also clouded by the fact that you are also really good friends/confidants with her as well. It may come down at least partially to who you are closer friends with. Let your conscience be your guide, and do what you think is right, but keep your good friend in mind. Only you know all of the factors involved with the situation, and my ultimate advice is that if somewhere inside you something is telling you it is wrong, don't do it - at least not without a green light.