My husbands mother is a **** and he does not see it.

[che_jesse]

Therapy today was mostly me crying because I was to angry to speak while my husband went on and on about how hurt he is that I don't "like" his mother. I wrote this letter to him and was just about to email it to him while hes at work when I realized that it might not be the best idea.

 

Since I cant send it to him the internet gets to read it. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can say all of this to him without sounding like some giant ******* that hates his mother?

 

 

Ok, Ima try to get my thoughts out in letter form because talking ends with me being interrupted.

 

First of all I don't dislike your mother, if we "like" each other or not is meaningless and juvenile. Two adults, no matter what their feelings are about each other, should be able to work together for the betterment of their combined family without overexaggerated factitious interpersonal crap interfering. Just the fact that I have to listen to [you] talk about how someone does not "like" someone else is quite honestly annoying.

 

Second, I have my own mother with her own opinions, I don't need another one to cram her opinions about how I conduct myself down my throat every time she dislikes something I do. I have worked very hard on my relationship with my mother to establish those boundaries. It used to be that she would, in the same way that your mother does, clearly make her opinions about my personal relationships known. She would do this over and over again ad nauseam, it has taken us many years and many arguments to establish that I am an adult with my own decision making abilities and that if I need her advice I will come to her for it. I am not willing to go though this emotionally draining process with another person, especially one to whom I owe nothing at all.

 

Third, your mother has not helped us at all with the baby and I would be lying if I said I was not very hurt by this.One or two gestures are not any sort of real tangible help. I understand that money is tight for your parents but it is tight for my parents as well but they still found the means. Time and love are more valuable then money anyway and your mother does not make the time. When my father died your parents could not even come to the wake, when my mother tore her hamstring they would not come over. I understand that your father must work all day but your mother sits at home, she could have come.

 

After the baby was born your mother spent a grand total of 3 hours in the hospital with us and then visited us at home once in the five weeks since the birth. Now one of those weeks was spent at home with your father when he broke his leg but he has since returned to work and she will not come over. Instead I get called rude for not coming over and rude for not feeling well when I do come over. As someone that has had 5 children she should know what post partum is like, you do not and I can accept that because you are male but SHE should know. I could not sit on the toilet for 3 weeks, walking and car rides were torture and it is very unfair to have demanded that of me during that time.

 

Forth, I do not feel welcome in your home, I feel as though she is trying to guilt me into coming over. She has never called me, not once, instead she makes plans with you for me to come over. If she wanted me to come over she would have called me herself but instead of doing that she just MUST let you know about it every time. Honestly it just seems manipulative. And don't say its because she wants to see the baby, if she wanted to see the baby she would come here, I'm always home.

 

Mostly though, I'm sick and tired of hearing about your mother. OUR relationship is between US yet you choose to put her right in the middle between you and me. Who cares what her opinions are, even if she feels the need to share them it does not mean that you have to give them so much weight. When I'm upset about not living up to my parents expectations of me you tell me over and over again how none of us are perfect children and that I should not worry about it yet when your mother does not like the way I looked at your for a split second or the tone I used to speak to you (which by the way are stupid insignificant things that would not have ever been noticed if she had not brought attention to them) you turn it into a giant argument between us.

 

I'm so ****ing sick of this woman.

[justice]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Huge hugs of support and understanding. PM me if you want.

[Moose]

I wouldn't send that letter at all.....you're just going to piss him off more.

 

Your husband needs to realize that his mother isn't part of his family anymore. Plain and simple.....

 

If he can't comprehend that, that's his own fault. You should just kill his mother with kindness and do your best to get along with her even though you know how difficult that's going to be.

 

You're not be submissive when you do this either.....your being strategic.

 

Somehow, your husband needs to let go of his former family, and concentrate on his present family......

 

Finally, (and I don't mean to sound harsh).....don't let these kind of these bug you. I know it's hard, but you weren't put here on earth to be your husband's sister.

 

You're his wife......you don't HAVE to get along with HIS parents......

[corazoncito]

First off, I'm sorry you're so stressed out. Big hug. With a new baby that must be very tiring to have to deal with extended family problems as well.

 

Ok, I think it's really great that you wrote this letter, and I think it's EQUALLY great that you didn't go through with sending it to your hubby. Don't let him see it in this form! He will feel attacked and it will cause more problems than it solves. I assume he really would like both you and his mom to get along, and he feels trapped in the middle and powerless because he can't force it to happen, and is probably having to handle complaints from both of you about the other.

 

I think it was necessary for you to write it all down without censoring yourself to get your feelings out. And I think it can often be a great idea to start the initial discussion of a problem in a relationship through writing. Me and my guy do that often. Like you said, you don't get interrupted and you have time to organize exactly what you want to say.

 

I would recommended that once you're in a calmer mood, you go back and read the letter again. Then revise it, to the version you're actually going to give to him. It should be much briefer. Just identify the problem, explain (briefly!) why it bothers you (and try to focus on what you feel, not what is wrong with him or his mother), and finish by stating some very specific, concrete ways in which HE can help you. Not what his mother can do, because he doesn't control her. Try not to phrase those suggestions in terms of "don't do this". Instead, tell him specifically what you would like him to do. Maybe ask him if next time his mom makes plans with you through him he could tell her "You know, Che_jesse would love to spend some time with you and baby together. Let me put her on the line so you can talk about a good time for that." Your husband would be supporting you and if she refuses for some reason, that speaks much to her character.

 

The other suggestion I have, not knowing anything other than what you've written here, is that you try to meet her halfway (even if it pisses you off at first). Show her how you want to be treated. For instance, if you are upset that she doesn't come to visit, invite her personally and often. Keep trying even if she says no the first few times. Some people are just like that. Kill her with kindness.

 

Hang in there, and don't beat yourself up if things with the MIL don't get better. Unfortunately, people can be stubborn and we have to learn to recognize when we're fighting a losing battle. What you should really focus on is your relationship with your husband and how to communicate your feelings to him in a way that helps you and doesn't leave him feeling attacked or trapped in the middle. Not because you're the one at fault, but because you simply can't control his mother's behavior in this matter.

[Trialbyfire]

Whether this is the case in your relationship with your MIL or not, who knows. Too many times, women battle over supremacy and domination over who controls the son, husband, b/f or fiancé.

 

What I've found has worked effectively with an incredibly strong ex-MIL and other mothers of perspectives, is to honour the undying bond between mother and son, even rolling over at the beginning, therefore allowing her the ability to feel less threatened and slowly but surely winning her respect to the extent that we end up with a mutual admiration relationship.

 

In reality, your MIL owes you no child-minding duties. She's been there, done that. You cannot assert your own dominance in your boundary making and expect her to anty up.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, you and your baby is your H's family now. You and the baby come first and NONE of you have to 'check in' or justify your choices, actions to his mom. That's just controlling of her.

 

Anyway, I think she's got her own issues, whether it be jealously, or she feels that you've replaced her and she's lost her son, either way, it's unfair of her to be meddling in your lives...And, it's wrong of your H to involve her.

 

Take afew days, keep writing and hopefully once you've calmed down abit, you and your H can talk - BUT KEEP IT CALM, he may get upset if you go and attack his mom. Let him 'see' how hurt you are by what she's doing, don't show the anger too much....(Even though you have every right to feel the way you do.)

 

Good luck and I hope one day his mom decides to be more involved in her grandchild's life in a healthy way.

[bish]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Huge hugs of support and understanding. PM me if you want.

 

Don't feel sorry for her just yet. We don't know the story.

 

She sounds like my soon to be ex wife. She hated my mother, called her names....and in the end, it turned out that my wife was a "cxxt". Nothing but a worthless tramp that played me for a fool.

 

So now when she calls my mother names, I consider it a compliment.

[cmhbach]

Wow. I want to share my experience and hope it helps you though I am new to the boards. I am the husband with the overbearing MIL and FIL. My wife and I have been married for 8 years this past July and our success is only because my wife helped me to see some of the problems.

 

Guilt and manipulation are the ultimate tool my parents employed and it nearly caused us to get a divorce. THankfully, my MIL is a wonderful woman who is honest and caring even when I needed her advice about her daughter and me related to seperation.

 

Anyway, the biggest thing I can say is this, you the hubby, and the baby are your family. If your DH doesn't get it, he needs to be schooled. I needed it, and though I didn't like it, my wife was right.

 

We had twins 4 years ago and my parents still tried to guilt our family into this and that. FInally, we realized that we needed to make decisions that protected our family, our relationship, and our kids. We made sure we talked to each other about everything related to our families, and, when we disagreed, we talked out the middle ground.

 

I thought it was stupid and that it wouldn't work, but it has made us far more open and honest, and we don't do the immature high school kid silent treatment or yell and scream like we can't control our emotions.

 

Remember, you are a family unit, not his mom, no matter how much she wants to be the woman in his life, you are. He must understand, as I needed to, that your parents are helpful, they can love you, they can believe they have his best interest, or even yours at heart, but they are not his immeadiate family anymore.

 

I think of it this way, when you fill out a medical emergency card, you don't put your parents as the primary contact, you put your husband. Likewise, he doesn't put Mom as the emergency contact, he puts you. You are it and he needs to realize it.

[stillafool]

I read your letter but didn't read the other posts so forgive me if I repeat something. I can't stand my MIL either and I just stay away from her. She tried to tell me what to do when we first got married and got pissed when she realized I can't be controlled by her.

 

I'm sure you feel better just writing that letter and getting your thoughts out. I wouldn't mail it to him because he'll just get angry. That's his mother and you know how guys are about their moms.

 

However, you shouldn't expect her to come over to your house and help you. Anyway she sounds like it would be more aggravation than help to have her there. I would just keep my distance from her, be polite when I see her and if she makes snide comments just smile while giving her a look like you don't care. Trust me once she sees you could care less she'll ease up. My MIL went crazy after I gave her that treatment. If your h wants to see her and take the baby over there for a while then that's a good break for you. I like you didn't want another parent and if he wanted to jump through hoops for his mother that was fine, but don't expect me to. I let my h know that and her too in a nice way. After I did this my H started to realize how manipulative his mom is and doesn't contact her as much. All I'm saying is step away from that situation and give her enough rope to hang herself.

[love necessity]

Have you ever seen that show? If so, then you will understand what I am talking about. His mother is always antagonizing Debra, his wife. It comes on Fox, just in case you'd ever like to turn it on for some great tips* on how to deal with "monster-in-laws.

 

I must say that I give you props for putting up with your husbands nonsense putting his mother's opinions before yours. She wasn't the one who bared his child, who sees his hurt through hard times, feeds him, takes care of him, or sleeps with him. She's not the one he has to spend everyday for the rest of his life with, you are. So I understand where you are coming from and while you want his mother to back off. However, you must understand that, those are his parents and that no one could ever replace them.

 

When you said his father broke a leg or something, and mentioned how he spent a week with him showing him TLC, I think that was very sweet of him. After all, his parents were the one's to tuck him in at night, chase away all the bad, and to do give him Eskimo kisses when he was sick when he was a little boy. They showed him TLC, which was why he knew it, and was able to gently take care of his father. I think that is a great quality in him that you should be thankful for. You know he would do the same for you, if you were ill. =) Just think, you got this amazing man, who was willing to take care of his parents, some people would just say, oh, I'll let some nurse do it, or put him in rehab, like my mother did to my grandma. But anyway, that's not the point.

 

I really don't think you should compare what his relationship with his parents to his relationship with you. If anything, you should encourage a great relationship with his parents, not for him to say fudge it because you had some minor issues with his mother. I think you should consider getting to know her a little better. Have you ever called her? Maybe you should call her one day out of the blue and invite her out to lunch. Spend some quality time with her, after all she is your extended mother, and you both are adults. Do it for yourself, you will see that people aren't all tough as they are all cracked up to be. As far as her not inviting you over on her own, maybe she is afraid of rejection on her part? You do act like you don't like her, that's what I picked up from the letter you wrote. And about the letter, don't send it, it's just a bunch of comparing and analyzing that you didn't need to do in the first place. Except that she comments on things, like all "mothers" do, or nicely confront her about it.=) Either way, I think you are digging way too deeply into all of this. It's not like she is out to make you miserable, and although it may seem that way to you, it's all in your head.

 

Do yourself a favor darling, stop thinking so much....

 

 

Peace to you and your family, and congratulations on the new arrival, I wish you happiness.

[Lynna]

You have gotten some good advice here. Definitely don't send the letter in this form. Some of the items in there you should find ways of talking about with your husband, so revist and revise them before you do.

 

You should definitely talk to your husband about the issue of the postpartum pain you experienced and how it affected you when she called you rude for feeling that pain. Yes, she went through it, but it was a long time ago. And each woman experiences it differently. Still this is something that he should have stood up for you about. He should be fully supportive of you, your health, and the baby. As everyone else pointed out, the three of you are immediate family and depend most on each other. So this part you definitely need to address with him at some point in a constructive way.

 

I think the advice of you calling her and inviting her over to your house is very good. I would not expect my MIL to just come over, and she would NEVER be the type to invite herself over. You need to reach out to her on that one, if you have not already done so. Then she will feel more comfortable reaching out to you. I think the idea of the two of you getting together periodically is also a good one. Build a friendship with her that does not involve your husband directly and she will feel more comfortable approaching you directly. You need a chance to get to know each other and things won't feel as awkward.

 

There are some issues you need to examine for yourself however. Why do you expect his parents to participate when something is going on with YOUR parents? You said..."I have worked very hard on my relationship with my mother to establish those boundaries. It used to be that she would, in the same way that your mother does, clearly make her opinions about my personal relationships known...it has taken us many years and many arguments to establish that I am an adult with my own decision making abilities and that if I need her advice I will come to her for it. I am not willing to go though this emotionally draining process with another person, especially one to whom I owe nothing at all."

 

Well, if you feel that you don't owe your MIL anything since you are only family by marriage, why in the world would your MIL and FIL owe your parents anything? You dont feel connected to your MIL, she does not feel connected to you. Then she CERTAINLY is not going to feel connected to your parents! They are perfect strangers who are only united by their children. My parents inlaws rarely interacted, and my parents and inlaws rarely interact. They just have no reason to outside of family gatherings to which we might invite them all, such as holidays. I think it is unreasonable to expect his parents to be involved in your parents lives.

 

If you feel that it is important that your two familes be close, then you need to first build your relationship with your MIL and build a friendship with her, then you can start invited your mother to join you. They will then be able to build a relationship together, a friendship together. But the connection has to first come between you and your MIL.

[businessblonde]

Hi,

 

I was married to my H.S. sweetheart for 15 years. We divorced as friends, no children. His mom - my mother-in-law - was a manipulator. Oh God, what a horrible human being. I am a good-natured and caring person. For the first two years of marriage she used me like a doormat until I finally cracked. She would sometimes lie. I mean bold face lie in order to create some drama among her 4 sons and their wives.

 

My (ex) husband didn't confront his mother ever. He never took my side in anything. The only thing I could do after 6 years of marriage was persuade him to move us to another state. That helped greatly. She couldn't guilt us into visiting, except on major holidays.

 

I had some sympathy for my husband. He was dominated and "whipped" by his mother for his entire life. Head games, manipulation, belittling.... years of this can weaken anyone. Your man is under tremendous pressure to please mommy and you. He's got to muster inner strength and choose to support HIS FAMILY. You, him and baby. It's time for him to let go of the apron strings.

 

Your letter to him is firm, but reasonable, I think. (Of course, I'm not a therapist. Lord knows I have my own issues posted here). It's best to re-read it. Edit it. Often times we say things in the heat of the moment that we later regret.

 

Please keep us updated. Best wishes to you.