Re: Ready to make a decision on girl with too many EXes

[Tigerlily]

I think, 'no longer hopeless' (that's great to hear in itself), that you have done everything humanly possible to resolve this issue. At the end of the day, I just don't think her behaviour towards you is respectful of your feelings. If she loves you, this should ALWAYS be uppermost in her mind. I'm sorry to say it again, but I think she thrives on all of the attention she elicits from you, and these other ex-boyfriends. She sounds like a "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" type of person, and it's working, isn't it? Or, at least it has worked in regards to you. You sound like you are at last realising that this is very unfair on you however, and you are beginning to really listen to your feelings and stand up for yourself. Well done. I'm also sorry to say, that I really don't like the sound of this girl anyway. Not only is she knowingly causing you ongoing grief and frustration, but her behaviour is now really beginning to annoy one of her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriends. And I can't say as I blame this man's new girlfriend for feeling uncomfortable about this either. Your "girlfriend" seems very unconcerned by all of the ill-feelings she creates and this bespeaks significant selfishness on her part. As long as everyone is thinking about her, worrying about what she is doing or saying, tending to her needs, revolving their life around her basically, then she is happy. In other words, "bugger the rest". None of us has the right, in my opinion, to just stomp through life without giving a damn about other people's feelings, or just taking, taking, and taking more from others. When we really love, we want to give, and give selflessly, without expectation of what we might receive back. When we give and our underlying motive for doing so is to receive; either gifts, time, attention, or whatever, this is conditional love. I will love you, I will care for you, I will give myself and my time to you......as long as you do the same for me. Unconditional love is definitely the way to go. I will love you, just because I WANT to, and because it makes ME feel good. End of story. Don't misinterpret me, I don't doubt she has some redeeming, attractive qualities, because most of us do. I just think that her selfishness and her obvious lack of concern for other people's feelings is pretty damned unappealing, and you deserve MUCH better than this. I also believe in Karma, I gotta say, and I have a feeling that one day this girl is going to wake up very, very, unhappily alone. People will not continue to tolerate her behviour. I don't wish anyone ill-will, I'm just saying, that she is definitely making a rather "unkempt" bed for herself, which she will one day have to lie in. WE create OUR OWN reality, it never really is anyone else's fault. Her "reality" one day is going to bring her much discontent I feel. Unfortunately, regardless of our good intentions, we cannot tell other people what we believe they will discover for themselves at some point; we've each got to experience our own lessons, in our own time, ourselves. Congrats for getting clearer in your mind about what you will and won't tolerate any longer. And congrats on getting stronger. All the best to you.

 

Hello again, This is again a continuation of "Jealousy" and Too Many EXes..., if you want the background see those posts. To give you the rundown -- I'm real close to ending this relationship, I don't know what else to do. Her and I spent Christmas Eve and the morning of Christmas Day together. We had an amazing time and I felt some of the most powerful feelings I believe I've ever had. This was also the first Christmas I spent with someone in 5 years and so it was even more special to me. However, on Christmas Day, I had to travel to be with my family and she had a dinner, but I missed her all day long and couldn't wait to talk to her when I got home, to see if maybe I could stop by. So I got home around 10pm, called her (brother told me she wasn't home) and then paged her, but she never called me back. I knew she was getting together with her ex at some point (see all those details below), and my mind went crazy. I paged a couple more times up until about 1am (still no call), and really felt horrible by then -- couldn't understand why she wouldn't have picked up the phone to just call me, even if she was busy. So around 4am she called me and it turned out she had "fallen asleep" watching a movie over the ex's house. This was on Christmas Day after we had been together not even 12 hours before. I was crushed, even though I know nothing happened -- but it just seemed wrong to me. I just couldn't imagine spending time with an ex after sharing what we shared before -- I would've felt like I was doing something wrong. And not calling me back didn't help either -- she got my pages but said she couldn't call from his house because it was long distance. I told her my feelings (not that I suspected anything, but that I was upset she didn't return my calls) and then I felt like the suspicious jealous boyfriend, but can't deny that I was feeling hurt and uncomfortable. The whole situation has left me with a horrible taste in my mouth -- one that has been there for quite a few weeks, and it came back to bite me last night after feeling like I was starting to get over it. I think the timing of it all played a big role. I completely believe that the girl has strong feelings for me, but I feel that I can't accept this kind of situation. I just feel that our relationship is unbalanced because I don't have ANY exes in my life at all, mostly because I believe that forming "friendships" with people you had a sexual/emotional relationship with is difficult, although possible in some cases. However, her cases don't seem to be fit them -- my knowledge of her two exes (who she claims are friends) shows me that these are really twisted "friendships" (her other "friend" confessed he still loves her like 2 weeks ago and her presence has caused problems with HIS current girlfriend -- this is another ex she also spends time with).

 

The bottom line is that this seems too much for me to swallow, and I don't want the feelings I've been having. I talk to her, and I feel wonderful -- but when we're apart, I feel crazy, and quite frankly, she hasn't made it very easy for me not to with this behavior. I enjoy spending the time with her because we have an amazing chemistry between us; however, I don't see this person as being someone I want to pursue anything deeper with because of the pain I've already felt, and the seeming lack of consideration for how her behavior might affect me, especially since I've told her numerous times that the excessive amount of time with the exes makes me uncomfortable (but I never asked her to not see them, just asked for some extra special consideration as I try to accept these situations that). She's the first person to touch me in a very long time and has many great qualities, but something about this seems wrong and it's hard to shake. I want to gracefully withdraw, but before I do (since I want to put more thought into it -- and will re-consider probably every moment until then), I want anyone's input on whether or not you think I'm doing the right thing, whether there is something more I should try to do (I started reading a book on Jealousy just to see if it would help me), or if getting out seems the best choice for my own personal well-being. I've been wrapped up in this situation IMMENSELY over the last few weeks, and have felt completely out of touch with the other beautiful things in my life. Perhaps I am not quite ready -- or she's not quite for me. Either way, all input is welcome. Thanks.

[Anna]

Hi There,

 

In some ways....You have to understand that sometimes females do keep in touch with a ex. Just because the relationship ends doesn't mean that friendship is over too...But!! In her case....She needs to settle down...Shes causing you pain and even one of her ex boygfriends girlfriend pain...She needs to understand that it's over between them and she has you in her life. Shes hurting a friend and a loved one. If I were you I think you two should sit down and have a " Serious " talk. Be straight forward with her and tell her your feelings....Maybe it's about time to make her decide what she wants and quit hurting you....Tell her that if she doesn't settle down and realize all the pain she is causing and how much hurt it causes you when she spends so much time with her Ex's then over between you two(And you move on}... It's either her ex's or you...You have to do it in person....Let her know that your not going to put up with it any longer....Buddy Take a stand...It's you heart and love thats being torn into... Just believe in yourself....

Hello again, This is again a continuation of "Jealousy" and Too Many EXes..., if you want the background see those posts. To give you the rundown -- I'm real close to ending this relationship, I don't know what else to do. Her and I spent Christmas Eve and the morning of Christmas Day together. We had an amazing time and I felt some of the most powerful feelings I believe I've ever had. This was also the first Christmas I spent with someone in 5 years and so it was even more special to me. However, on Christmas Day, I had to travel to be with my family and she had a dinner, but I missed her all day long and couldn't wait to talk to her when I got home, to see if maybe I could stop by. So I got home around 10pm, called her (brother told me she wasn't home) and then paged her, but she never called me back. I knew she was getting together with her ex at some point (see all those details below), and my mind went crazy. I paged a couple more times up until about 1am (still no call), and really felt horrible by then -- couldn't understand why she wouldn't have picked up the phone to just call me, even if she was busy. So around 4am she called me and it turned out she had "fallen asleep" watching a movie over the ex's house. This was on Christmas Day after we had been together not even 12 hours before. I was crushed, even though I know nothing happened -- but it just seemed wrong to me. I just couldn't imagine spending time with an ex after sharing what we shared before -- I would've felt like I was doing something wrong. And not calling me back didn't help either -- she got my pages but said she couldn't call from his house because it was long distance. I told her my feelings (not that I suspected anything, but that I was upset she didn't return my calls) and then I felt like the suspicious jealous boyfriend, but can't deny that I was feeling hurt and uncomfortable. The whole situation has left me with a horrible taste in my mouth -- one that has been there for quite a few weeks, and it came back to bite me last night after feeling like I was starting to get over it. I think the timing of it all played a big role. I completely believe that the girl has strong feelings for me, but I feel that I can't accept this kind of situation. I just feel that our relationship is unbalanced because I don't have ANY exes in my life at all, mostly because I believe that forming "friendships" with people you had a sexual/emotional relationship with is difficult, although possible in some cases. However, her cases don't seem to be fit them -- my knowledge of her two exes (who she claims are friends) shows me that these are really twisted "friendships" (her other "friend" confessed he still loves her like 2 weeks ago and her presence has caused problems with HIS current girlfriend -- this is another ex she also spends time with).

 

The bottom line is that this seems too much for me to swallow, and I don't want the feelings I've been having. I talk to her, and I feel wonderful -- but when we're apart, I feel crazy, and quite frankly, she hasn't made it very easy for me not to with this behavior. I enjoy spending the time with her because we have an amazing chemistry between us; however, I don't see this person as being someone I want to pursue anything deeper with because of the pain I've already felt, and the seeming lack of consideration for how her behavior might affect me, especially since I've told her numerous times that the excessive amount of time with the exes makes me uncomfortable (but I never asked her to not see them, just asked for some extra special consideration as I try to accept these situations that). She's the first person to touch me in a very long time and has many great qualities, but something about this seems wrong and it's hard to shake. I want to gracefully withdraw, but before I do (since I want to put more thought into it -- and will re-consider probably every moment until then), I want anyone's input on whether or not you think I'm doing the right thing, whether there is something more I should try to do (I started reading a book on Jealousy just to see if it would help me), or if getting out seems the best choice for my own personal well-being. I've been wrapped up in this situation IMMENSELY over the last few weeks, and have felt completely out of touch with the other beautiful things in my life. Perhaps I am not quite ready -- or she's not quite for me. Either way, all input is welcome. Thanks.

[Sabrina]

~ FOLLOW YOUR HEART ~

 

{Your heart will always lead you in the right direction}

 

Trust yourself

 

and know that if it doesn't work,

 

then it wasn't meant to be,

 

theres more angels in the sky,

 

Maybe it's time to reach for a new one

 

{time to mend a wounded heart}

 

~~ Do what's best for you!! ~~

 

{{{Hugs}}} & ***Kisses***

 

Good Luck Buddy

 

@}~}~~~

[No longer...]

Tigerlily,

 

Just wanted to say thanks for your words. I've took the back-seat in expressing my feelings, up until about a week ago, mostly because stuff like what she is doing should be a no-brainer in the "causing hurt" department. I mean, it doesn't take a genius to know that spending lots of time with EXes may spark some uncomfortable feelings in a current lover. I felt that if I really had to say -- clearly and forcefully -- that this is wrong, then maybe she doesn't possess the type of emotional intelligence, or at least the consideration, that I desire.

 

There will certainly be much more on this, but quite likely it will occur after the holidays settle down. I again thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

I think, 'no longer hopeless' (that's great to hear in itself), that you have done everything humanly possible to resolve this issue. At the end of the day, I just don't think her behaviour towards you is respectful of your feelings. If she loves you, this should ALWAYS be uppermost in her mind. I'm sorry to say it again, but I think she thrives on all of the attention she elicits from you, and these other ex-boyfriends. She sounds like a "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" type of person, and it's working, isn't it? Or, at least it has worked in regards to you. You sound like you are at last realising that this is very unfair on you however, and you are beginning to really listen to your feelings and stand up for yourself. Well done. I'm also sorry to say, that I really don't like the sound of this girl anyway. Not only is she knowingly causing you ongoing grief and frustration, but her behaviour is now really beginning to annoy one of her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriends. And I can't say as I blame this man's new girlfriend for feeling uncomfortable about this either. Your "girlfriend" seems very unconcerned by all of the ill-feelings she creates and this bespeaks significant selfishness on her part. As long as everyone is thinking about her, worrying about what she is doing or saying, tending to her needs, revolving their life around her basically, then she is happy. In other words, "bugger the rest". None of us has the right, in my opinion, to just stomp through life without giving a damn about other people's feelings, or just taking, taking, and taking more from others. When we really love, we want to give, and give selflessly, without expectation of what we might receive back. When we give and our underlying motive for doing so is to receive; either gifts, time, attention, or whatever, this is conditional love. I will love you, I will care for you, I will give myself and my time to you......as long as you do the same for me. Unconditional love is definitely the way to go. I will love you, just because I WANT to, and because it makes ME feel good. End of story. Don't misinterpret me, I don't doubt she has some redeeming, attractive qualities, because most of us do. I just think that her selfishness and her obvious lack of concern for other people's feelings is pretty damned unappealing, and you deserve MUCH better than this. I also believe in Karma, I gotta say, and I have a feeling that one day this girl is going to wake up very, very, unhappily alone. People will not continue to tolerate her behviour. I don't wish anyone ill-will, I'm just saying, that she is definitely making a rather "unkempt" bed for herself, which she will one day have to lie in. WE create OUR OWN reality, it never really is anyone else's fault. Her "reality" one day is going to bring her much discontent I feel. Unfortunately, regardless of our good intentions, we cannot tell other people what we believe they will discover for themselves at some point; we've each got to experience our own lessons, in our own time, ourselves. Congrats for getting clearer in your mind about what you will and won't tolerate any longer. And congrats on getting stronger. All the best to you.