In a world without cell phones... would I ever have my relationship problems?

[ahearts13]

Greetings, everyone. This is my first visit to LoveShack and my very first post on ANY online forum. I am in need of some very objective advice and from reading other threads, it seems like this is a very warm and knowledgeable community. Let me begin with a little bit about me: I am a happy, healthy, confident, blessed 24-year old woman who thanks God every single day for the incredible gifts he has given me. I come from an extremely warm and supportive family and I've been fortunate enough to have accomplished many of my childhood ambitions already thanks to their guidance. I have also found myself in the deepest, most inspiring love of my life, with a man who literally PROPELS me into becoming a better and better person everyday (on many different levels). We have been dating for eight months, but have been acquaintances for three years. After our first couple dates, our love grew fast and intense, and within three weeks time, we had taken a trip together, met one another's families, and were each biting our tongues, wanting so badly to confess to one another, "I LOVE YOU!!!" Neither of us are whimsical people and the speed at which things happened did not feel irrational or silly-- I truly felt I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and judging from his words, he felt he had found the same in me.

 

My feelings for him have not changed much over the last seven months. We are both glowing with happiness everyday and we recognize it has to do with one another's influence. We are affectionate and respectful of one another, we talk frequently about our futures together, and about ways in which we can keep moving upward (career-wise, family, etc), and have even begun planning a small-business together. But.... and you knew it was coming......there has to be a "but," right???....

 

He hasn't cut all his ties with his "former flames." In the first month we were "officially together," (and openly "in love," mind you), we were out drinking with friends when I couldn't help noticing how frequently he was texting. I mean, like every five minutes he was reaching into his pocket and sending/receiving texts. Normally, I'd blow it off, but we were hanging out with everyone he might potentially need to be texting, I thought. So given both of our drunken-states, I made a small little poke at who it might be, "Who's that, an old girlfriend?" and one thing led to another before soon enough, I had opened up "Pandora's Inbox" full of promiscuous, naughty texts to, not ONE, not TWO, but THREE different girls. One message he sent even asked, "Do you miss f___ing me?" Needless to say, this really damaged my trust in him. The next day, after one of the most heartfelt apologies I've ever received, I decided to continue on with our relationship and trust he would break his ties with them. I am a very forgiving person and I believe people will change if they want something badly enough. But..... he didn't. The next incident happened a month or so later, with a different girl from his past, similar-type texting communication, but while he was sober and out of town. She posted a revealing thread on MySpace and he admitted he was talking to her but only in a friendly manner (not the impression I got from her MySpace message). Since then, I've discovered three other totally inappropriate texting conversations, one which just occurred this past Saturday night while we were all out together (we were out WITH one of the original "text-mistresses" herself-- she's in our circle of "friends"-- and they were texting back and forth sexual things IN MY PRESENCE!!!). I can tell from his messages that she is the instigator, as she is the kind of shameless woman that has slept with every single guy in their group, but he is RESPONDING which is what is killing me! Each and every time, he tells me it will not happen again, and he has no idea why he still does it, and he SWEARS he has never done anything physically to betray me, and this time he actually shed a few tears (should that mean anything??), but when should enough be enough? Might he not be ready for the kind of commitment we have? If 90 percent of this is happening when he's drunk, could this just be a calling to stop (or limit) his drinking?

 

Okay. So I am a logical and rational thinker (most of the time, anyway), and I can accept the fact that we are human beings with undeniable sexual curiosities and urges, and we have egos that need filling up from time to time. I, personally, made the vow to myself that I would never seek emotional/physical affection from another man as long as I am with my boyfriend, and to be honest, I am a confident enough woman on my own to not need "ego-filling" from anyone else. Could that be just it for him? Can he be just another horny, possibly insecure man who needs affection from multiple women in order to be content? I would NEVER tolerate this disrespect from another man, but the way I see it, there is SO MUCH GOOD coming out of this relationship, that I'm simply not ready to throw it all away for what I know as "strictly-cell-phone-betrayal." Part of me wants to believe the phone is as far as its ever gone or will go, but the other part is fearful that he will never change and he will be unfaithful down the road when we have much more at stake.

 

I truly believe we can have a beautiful, healthy, happy, rewarding life together, (the same kind of life we share most everyday), IF his behavior changes. But what do I do in the meantime? How can I act like a trusting woman when in reality, every time his phone goes off at night, and everytime he's away I wonder if/how he's communicating with other women? PLEASE offer your insight. I don't know what direction I should be heading in right now. And I thank you in advance. I know what an ear (or eye)-ful that was! A

[amaysngrace]

I think you should let him know how much it bothers you and ask him to stop. Ask him to change his number and don't let these girls have it. If he cares enough about you he will do it. If he doesn't well then there you go!

 

Another win/win situation.

 

But be warned...if he says no and you break up over it stay broken up with him for a few days.

 

No calls from you may make him realize which calls on his cell phone REALLY matter.

[Cobra_X30]

Here is my take on this. Your man is one of those guys who is more in love with bieng in love than he is in love with you. He will continue to chat and text other women until you either accept it or you walk out the door. If you follow the path you are currently on he will take his cheating to a physical level at some point.

 

I doubt you will believe me, but your getting played.

 

It really makes me sad to read your story because of all the 100% faithfull guys out there that would never do this to you sitting alone. You may not know it now, but there is a man out there waiting for you who is much better.

[justice]

Hon take it from me. You need to back away from this relationship for a little while and re-examine it. Cell phones can be the devil's tools.

It was a cell phone that started the ending of my marriage. Best of luck to you. Now....run like the wind away from this and think on it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

This is kind of a sticky situation as I'm assuming that the relationships within these circle of friends existed prior to him meeting you. I'm not saying that that means they shouldn't change when he meets someone.

A single person bringing a new "girlfriend" into a circle causes some interesting dynamics. It changes things within the group which the group as a whole will tend to oppose. I've seen it happen time and again with even my girlfriends and their new love interest.

 

The important thing to remember here is that "what you see is what you get". It sounds like he very much enjoys your company but still likes to play even if he doesn't take those things seriously. He obviously receives some personal satisfaction from them and isn't ready to give them up for a "relationship".

 

Basically if you are uncomfortable with them then you need to find a better situation for yourself. Changing them probably isn't an option if he didn't the first time you mentioned having a problem with it. Complaining further will probably only push these things into hiding and the girls he has to ask to cool it around you will then start a campaign against you.

[lost4ever]

Here is my take on this. Your man is one of those guys who is more in love with bieng in love than he is in love with you. He will continue to chat and text other women until you either accept it or you walk out the door. If you follow the path you are currently on he will take his cheating to a physical level at some point.

 

He has no respect for you, none! let alone love

[norajane]

I would NEVER tolerate this disrespect from another man, but the way I see it, there is SO MUCH GOOD coming out of this relationship, that I'm simply not ready to throw it all away for what I know as "strictly-cell-phone-betrayal."

 

Most people aren't all bad, you know. Meaning these other men whom you say you wouldn't tolerate if they disrespected you like this would also probably be great in other ways, too...you wouldn't be in a relationship with them if they weren't, right?

 

What I'm trying to say is, don't make an exception for this guy because there is so much 'good'. Bad behavior is bad behavior regardless of whether everything else is good. It makes you feel just a s bad, and it shows just as much disrespect.

 

If you lower your standards now and accept it, how will you feel when he continues to text his ex-girlfriends and asks them if they miss f*cking him?

[squeak]

I can feel your wanting to work through this.

On the one hand, it is almost impossible to meet anyone in the beginning of the relationship who does not have :

a) an ex they are in contact with, at whatever level

b) "friends" who were people they had once dated

c)"friends" who once liked them or who they liked

d) a group dynamic of friends that is not always conducive to starting a new relationship.

 

For the 7 of you out there who met someone with none of that baggage, I salute you, however, for the rest of the mortals.....

 

Trying to figure out the levels of acceptability and compromising and negotiating is kind of a given, one always hopes those relationships will taper off , it is a chance one takes.

 

A risky chance, but I understand very well it is hard to walk away without some real black and white proof of crossing boundaries.

 

Texting "do you miss fuc**ng me" while you are sitting there?

 

Even once, is NOT okay. I don't know how else to say it, but it is not "just text cheating" . You are rationalizing a horrible thing to yourself.

 

I am sorry, but this is about you, and you are going to be beaten down emotionally if you stay with him. You even gave him chances.

 

You can hope he will change by being ready to back yourself up by leaving him, and seeing to it he gets a new circle of friends, a new phone, and deletes his myspace.

 

But even then, you'll still wonder, that is a bad start and I don't think that any guy who does that is going to change for the better or become a moral person any time soon.

[squeak]

In a world without cell phones ......would I ever have my relationship problem?

 

In a word--Unfortunately, yes.

 

It is easy to blame the cell phone, impulsive messages can be sent, instant communication, but it is not the cell phone or the email , although it has made things easier and opened more options, there is always a living breathing, hopefully thinking person making each and every decision to type and send those messages.

 

Eradicate that, and it would happen in phone or face to face conversations you would never be privy to. At least it exposes that sort of behavior much earlier.

 

Nora Jane is right, whatever good is happening should be seperate from this, it does not make his actions any better.

 

I would classify this as utterly walk away material. I hope you value your heart enough to know you don't have to tolerate this?