Why can't the MM actually love his wife?

[Meaplus3]

according to a lot of people...

 

If calling the shots and living my life the way I want is having no morals then I don't...

 

But, you see, I don't live my life according to other people.

 

and I don't see the need to apologize...

 

Not asking for you to apologize, I guess I just wonder what the heck your after? I am not real familar with your story , just know you have a handful of mm. Why do you target mm? Why not a single man? What's the allure for you to have mm and so darn many? If I offend you please let me know, for that is not my intention.

 

AP:)

[Lizzie60]

Why do you target mm?

 

I never 'targeted' MM... but I prefer them because there is no commitment, unlike singles who always want more... I have been stalked a few times, in the past, by single guys who can't take 'no' for answer, while with MM, they are OK with what we have and they have too much to loose to stalk me...when it's over, it's over..they're gone. I never had any problems with MM.

 

Why not a single man?

 

I do have a few single guys that I see on occasions.

 

What's the allure for you to have mm and so darn many?

 

Because it happens like that... and I have stopped being on the Internet and phone chat lines... cause I thought I had enough... I used to have much much more than what I have now... at one point, it was insane, but I don't think I want to go into that.

 

I guess I'm getting old...and cooling down... LOL

 

This is just how I like it now... it's perfect.

[whichwayisup]

cereal cheaters

 

:laugh:

 

One more...

[Meaplus3]

Why do you target mm?

 

I never 'targeted' MM... but I prefer them because there is no commitment, unlike singles who always want more... I have been stalked a few times, in the past, by single guys who can't take 'no' for answer, while with MM, they are OK with what we have and they have too much to loose to stalk me...when it's over, it's over..they're gone. I never had any problems with MM.

 

Why not a single man?

 

I do have a few single guys that I see on occasions.

 

What's the allure for you to have mm and so darn many?

 

Because it happens like that... and I have stopped being on the Internet and phone chat lines... cause I thought I had enough... I used to have much much more than what I have now... at one point, it was insane, but I don't think I want to go into that.

 

I guess I'm getting old...and cooling down... LOL

 

This is just how I like it now... it's perfect.

 

Oh yes I target them all the time Lizzie! I look for them in the grocery store, Home improvement center's, even at the bagel shop, LOL, NOT!, . I never intended to hook up in an ea with my nextdoor neighbour, please give me a bit of credit here! I was unhappy with my Marriage still am, and I'm trying without mm to fall back on how to move on. I am one hard case I guess! I have a tone of emotion's and feeling's. When I love I LOVE and it's not that often! So to you sail on lady and have fun. did not mean to judge you in anyway.

AP

[Lizzie60]

Oh yes I target them all the time Lizzie! I look for them in the grocery store, Home improvement center's, even at the bagel shop, LOL, NOT!, . I never intended to hook up in an ea with my nextdoor neighbour, please give me a bit of credit here! I was unhappy with my Marriage still am, and I'm trying without mm to fall back on how to move on. I am one hard case I guess! I have a tone of emotion's and feeling's. When I love I LOVE and it's not that often! So to you sail on lady and have fun. did not mean to judge you in anyway.

AP

 

WTF... I never said you were targeting MM... !!!!! Where did you get that?

 

I was answering your question about my MMs... I didn't say anything about your own A....

[Meaplus3]

WTF... I never said you were targeting MM... !!!!! Where did you get that?

 

I was answering your question about my MMs... I didn't say anything about your own A....

 

Sorry Lizzie must mis read your post.

[Tomcat33]

I think that usually the MM that hereandnow is talking about are the ones that won't tell the OW the truth, even when leaving, because they have a twisted idea that it will hurt their feelings.

 

Imagine that, if those men try to spare their OW thruths that would hurt them and they apparently don't really love the OW I can only imagine how much "sparing" happens with the women they DO claim to love, ie. their Ws, in order to win their trust back???

We are talking about the exact same men yeah?

 

 

If you can't see the irony in your logic you might want to revist your idea.

[Meaplus3]

Imagine that, if those men try to spare their OW thruths that would hurt them and they apparently don't really love the OW I can only imagine how much "sparing" happens with the women they DO claim to love, ie. their Ws, in order to win their trust back???

We are talking about the exact same men yeah?

 

 

If you can't see the irony in your logic you might want to revist your idea.

 

Darn Xmm let them all find a little garbage pail like "Oscar the Grouch". "Well let's see" GRRRr" I love my "W", but I want My OW".

 

AP:)

[CAMAYPARK]

The mm must love their W, most of them anyhow. After all they have built a life with their W and kids, family life, home life etc. Perhaps mm may not be "in love" and the attraction may not be there anymore, but rest assure he still loves her. Sort of like a pair of comfy old slippers, sorry for the bad analogy.

[justice]

Lizzie, as you say, the MM you have experience with have no reason to lie to you. Those MM specifically know that you will not have an emotional attachment with them and they can speak freely with you. But I think also that you for the most part have experience with a specific type of MM. I don't believe for the most part that the MM you have experience with are the ones that have drifted into a relationship that "got out of hand", and at the same time, I think that often those men are the ones that hereandnow is referring to.

 

I think that usually the MM that hereandnow is talking about are the ones that won't tell the OW the truth, even when leaving, because they have a twisted idea that it will hurt their feelings. They don't want a "scene". They don't want the OW to get angry and seek revenge. They don't want any kind of confrontation between their wife and the OW - in fact they don't want any contact between the two. (They may say that's for the wife's sake, but we all know who they're really looking after at that point :laugh:).

 

Those men won't mess up again, because they have realized what they've risked. They really do love their wives, but they are far better at avoiding "situations" (see above ) then dealing with the issues in the marriage. (And in my opinion, they often have anger issues.)

 

Anyway - my opinion. But as so many have said, each case is individual, and there is no size that fits all!!

 

 

I agree with Silk, and I was wondering why someone didn't post this point sooner. Good points, right on Silk!

[BlueEyedGirl]

Of course they love the wife, like they love a sister or another family memeber. However sexual attraction and spark is gone forever. Sex is mechanical at best and even when it seems more passionate to the W, it's only because MM closes his eyes and thinks about OW. Remove everything form the marriage: kids, shared history, finances, family status etc, leave only the W and the OW. In 99% of the cases MM would chose OW. When he is chosing to stay with W, it's because of stability and security.

[Lizzie60]

Of course they love the wife, like they love a sister or another family memeber. However sexual attraction and spark is gone forever. Sex is mechanical at best and even when it seems more passionate to the W, it's only because MM closes his eyes and thinks about OW. Remove everything form the marriage: kids, shared history, finances, family status etc, leave only the W and the OW. In 99% of the cases MM would chose OW. When he is chosing to stay with W, it's because of stability and security.

 

You just resumed what I think of why MMs don't leave their wife...

They do love their W... but the passion is gone... sex gets boring or mechanical as you say. And it's true that sometimes they rather imagine that they're making love to the OW so it is more exciting.

 

Remove everything form the marriage: kids, shared history, finances, family status etc, leave only the W and the OW. In 99% of the cases MM would chose OW.

 

I would say that 9 times out of 10 this would happen... no doubt about that.

 

They will sacrifice their passion for the OW for stability and financial security... but they are MOST happy when they find an OW who will accept them without asking them to leave all that... and that... have a price tag!!!

[child_of_isis]

I just don't get this "money" stuff. None of it makes any sense. Most women have jobs. A lot of the MM stories I hear on here, the W even makes MORE money than H. The guy would have to pay child support, but there is such a thing as joint custody where he wouldn't have to. In all probabilities, most women would enjoy joint custody more than that little bit of money they get. Who doesn't want free weekends w/o children...or entire weeks even? Especially if he is a good father. And we know ALL cheating MM's are good fathers. C'mon...it doesn't add up.

 

Probably after D, the H has MORE responsibility and time with the children than before. Maybe that is the crux of the problem. H doesn't want the children w/o the accompanied maid. I mean, gasp! Entire weekends with the children! Alone. Without Mom! When will he have time to play?

 

IMO...if anyone is being held hostage in the M/child department, it is W. H begs, he cries, moans about the children...blah blah...W begins to think the children cannot adapt....thinks H cannot adapt. He puts all of the responsibility on her concerning saving the M. She buckles and puts everyone ahead of herself. And tries to put it all back together again. Because she is usually the glue that holds everything together anyway.

Then why doesn't he leave?

 

That would set him free and at the same time give his wife a chance to be with someone who really loves her. In this day and age where divorce is so common and the law determines child custody and financial arrangements, why would he stay if he felt stuck? If it's about money, isn't his love for you more important than stuff? Isn't he a good enough father to be able separate his relationship with his kids from a wife that he doesn't love? If he was honest with his wife and asked for a divorce because he no longer loves her, the courts would see him as a person that wants out of a relationship that isn't working. Happens every day. Why does he stay?

[Lizzie60]

and that's exactly why the H doesn't stay alone very long... they just can't handle all that stress of housecleaning, kids, finances, etc. They find a 'mate/maid' real soon...

[IpAncA]

and that's exactly why the H doesn't stay alone very long... they just can't handle all that stress of housecleaning, kids, finances, etc. They find a 'mate/maid' real soon...

 

Oh yeah housecleaning can be soooo stressful. The poor baby.

[child_of_isis]

lol...exactly! This is why men invest so much time into a woman in the beginning. Why WOULDN'T they???

 

What do they get in the long run?

 

Someone who works full time, takes care of kids, does laundry, finances, cooks, etc. etc. etc. Man...they have it "maid" (lol pun intended)

 

Then they get wifey so busy at with job, kids, home....she doesn't have time to wander, nor wonder about even what the hell he is doing when he is out running the roads all of the time. Control and manipulation at it's finest. All in the guise of love and family.

 

He is not going to leave all of that. At least not until he is sure that he has one just like her that is willing do the dirty work.

and that's exactly why the H doesn't stay alone very long... they just can't handle all that stress of housecleaning, kids, finances, etc. They find a 'mate/maid' real soon...

[Mino]

I just don't get this "money" stuff. None of it makes any sense. Most women have jobs. A lot of the MM stories I hear on here, the W even makes MORE money than H. The guy would have to pay child support, but there is such a thing as joint custody

Hpw about the 9000 $$$$$ he would have to pay for alimomy and child support, plus half of everything???? She is a stay at home mom

[Mino]

I just don't get this "money" stuff. None of it makes any sense. Most women have jobs. A lot of the MM stories I hear on here, the W even makes MORE money than H. The guy would have to pay child support,

][/[/b]QUOTE] How about the 9000 a moyh alimoney and child support check he would have to pay because she does not work, plus half of everything else

[Mino]

I give up, This quate thing is not working:mad: Hi, everyone, IM HOME!!!

[child_of_isis]

Is this what he tells you?

 

How about the 9000 a moyh alimoney and child support check he would have to pay because she does not work, plus half of everything else

[Mino]

thats a fact, we checked with attorney. Point is not all wives make more money

[outofdarkness]

Lizzie, I don't mean to be rude here but do you have any moral's at all?

 

AP:)

ummm...no, her lack of morals, IMO...very apparent..

[fisherfool]

Of course they love the wife, like they love a sister or another family memeber. However sexual attraction and spark is gone forever. Sex is mechanical at best and even when it seems more passionate to the W, it's only because MM closes his eyes and thinks about OW. Remove everything form the marriage: kids, shared history, finances, family status etc, leave only the W and the OW. In 99% of the cases MM would chose OW. When he is chosing to stay with W, it's because of stability and security.

 

Nope, not true. Most men remain with their wives because they've finally found that their wives really do love them after all. The sexual attraction never left and was never mechanical. Remove everything from the marriage leaving only the wife and other woman 99% of the men will choose the woman they married.

[Tomcat33]

Of course they love the wife, like they love a sister or another family memeber. However sexual attraction and spark is gone forever. Sex is mechanical at best and even when it seems more passionate to the W, it's only because MM closes his eyes and thinks about OW. Remove everything form the marriage: kids, shared history, finances, family status etc, leave only the W and the OW. In 99% of the cases MM would chose OW. When he is chosing to stay with W, it's because of stability and security.

 

 

So true! I suspect this exact same thought. Of course not in all cases but in many yes.

And the reason why these men beg to stay when faced with getting kicked out is because they want to have the comfort of all their possesions while they can still do as they please. If they know they can get away with it once...why keep it all and try it again later. It's not THAT bad having to share a life with a woman they consider their friend if they can have passion and home comforts as they please.

 

Most men are very resistant to change.

[Cliche]

I find that very on target.The only thing driving affairs is usually all the stress of kids, finances, living together etc.. if none of that existed and you ONLY have OW and W.. yeah, I'm betting the men would choose the woman they fell in love with in the beginning for all the right reasons.. not the women they have sex with and fall for in all the wrong reasons. Plus, take away the forbidden nature of an affair and bring it out in the open and it is not as tempting nor as emotional. It turns out to boring and the lust is short-lasted.

 

I suspect this is the case in most circumstances, but it is not always the case. Sometimes As happen because one spouse is on their way out of the marriage. Exit affairs are a true phenomenon (sp?). My father left an awful marriage for my mother. They've been togeter for 37 years. My sister and her husband both left their marriages for each other. They've been together 10 years. I have a friend whose current husband also started out as an affair. And my own MM claims he never would've allowed himself to fall in love with me if he hadn't known his marriage was emotionally/physically over and would be officially over shortly, and indeed, that is turning out to be the case since they are (in a way surprisingly lacking drama) deconstructing their life and both moving on seperately in significant ways.

 

I don't think this is usual, but it happens enough where it can't be ignored. And that is why most of us OPs stay. How do we know the difference? How do we know if ours is the A that will be the lasting R or not? I don't know the answer to that...sometimes I think there are clues in what they tell us, but other times I think it is just another uncertainty of life.

 

Are As worth this in the end? I suspect my parents, sister and friend would all say yes as they truly have found the love of their lives. I simply don't know. The pain of an A...well, I wish I would've/could've waited until his divorce was final...less pain for all, less "baggage" that we're starting our R out with...but who knows. All of life is a learning/growing experience, even the painful stuff.

 

Finally, I don't think any of the above means that the MP doesn't love his spouse. I think most people love the person they married, even after divorce, no matter the circumstances. But whether that love is deep or strong enough to continue the committment, well that's the question.