Why can't the MM actually love his wife?

[frannie]

I have noticed so many threads about why a MM stays with his wife. Rarely have I seen the reason stated that he stays because he realizes how much he loves her.

 

Why do some OW feel the need to blame some other reason (kids, finances, the wife will go crazy) etc? I know that these are reasons that the MM tell the OW in some cases. But, it is possible for a MM to care and love his wife enough to work on and fix their marriage. There are men who are truly remorseful and stay because they realize when faced with losing her, he really loves his wife.

 

In that case, why would it be wrong for the wife to give him a second chance? After all, the OW is willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the MM when he is cheating with her.

 

Yes, of course a man who has been unfaithful may still love his wife and want to make things work with her, why not? And yes, of course if he wants to do that and have no more affairs, then more power to his elbow, etc. No doubt when his W realised how bad things have become, and starts paying him all the attention he's been missing (at least for a while), then he'd be stupid not to stay (well, unless he's not into manipulative behaviour).

 

Most of the time, MM stay because of a whole load of reasons. If it were purely about W vs. OW, then I doubt most of the time that he'd be staying. Who would, when someone has basically ignored you for years, and took no notice of you til suddenly you're half out of the door..?

 

Mostly MM stay because they're tied up with one woman in all sorts of ways. No doubt love comes into it from time to time. But if he loved her so much, why was he looking elsewhere?

 

Kudos to couples who manage to make it work again, however... whatever their ultimate reasons (fear of change, finance, joint 'history' etc.)

[frannie]

I find that very on target.The only thing driving affairs is usually all the stress of kids, finances, living together etc.. if none of that existed and you ONLY have OW and W.. yeah, I'm betting the men would choose the woman they fell in love with in the beginning for all the right reasons.. not the women they have sex with and fall for in all the wrong reasons. Plus, take away the forbidden nature of an affair and bring it out in the open and it is not as tempting nor as emotional. It turns out to boring and the lust is short-lasted.

 

What exactly are the 'right reasons' and 'wrong reasons' that this proposed MM fell in love for..? Isn't love love, whatever the circumstances..? What if he married because his GF got preganant, and he fell in love with his OW because of her personal qualities, and it's solely an EA..? Doesn't fit with your generalisations..?

[sadbuttrue]

my MM does love his W, at least that is what he tells me

[GreenEyedLady]

Yes, of course a man who has been unfaithful may still love his wife and want to make things work with her, why not? And yes, of course if he wants to do that and have no more affairs, then more power to his elbow, etc. No doubt when his W realised how bad things have become, and starts paying him all the attention he's been missing (at least for a while), then he'd be stupid not to stay (well, unless he's not into manipulative behaviour).

 

Most of the time, MM stay because of a whole load of reasons. If it were purely about W vs. OW, then I doubt most of the time that he'd be staying. Who would, when someone has basically ignored you for years, and took no notice of you til suddenly you're half out of the door..?

 

Mostly MM stay because they're tied up with one woman in all sorts of ways. No doubt love comes into it from time to time. But if he loved her so much, why was he looking elsewhere?

 

Kudos to couples who manage to make it work again, however... whatever their ultimate reasons (fear of change, finance, joint 'history' etc.)

 

Great post!

[NoIDidn't]

Why can't the MM stay with his W because he actually married her?

 

Well, if an OW posted that the MM stayed for love, she'd have to take her own advice and leave a R where the man obviously loves another more than her.

 

Remember how many times people say they never want to be with someone who doesn't love anymore or as much as they love them? Many OW state that the W should just leave if the man doesn't love them anymore. But the man DOES love them, he just doesn't think that the W loves him.

 

I truly don't think that most men in affairs don't love their Ws. Otherwise the stats on successful affair marriages after five years would be higher than 3%. I think the men are looking to be treated the way that their W used to treat them and that if they could just make it happen, they would prefer that it be their W giving them the desired treatment.

 

So my vote is, the medicine is just too bitter. Easier to villianize the poor man by making him materialistic, opportunistic, and cruel - when he was already cruel to his family (first) in betraying them to begin with.

[stillafool]

I have never understood why men don't want to marry. It is the best situation for them and the worse one for women it seems. I guess that's why MM and single women live longer than MW and single men. It makes you wonder why women are dying to get married and start working themselves into an early grave - ah hormones.

[Lizzie60]

I have never understood why men don't want to marry. It is the best situation for them and the worse one for women it seems. I guess that's why MM and single women live longer than MW and single men. It makes you wonder why women are dying to get married and start working themselves into an early grave - ah hormones.

 

 

I agree... I never understood marriage either... why would you want to get married when you know it will end up in a nasty, expensive divorce... it's not worth the 'trouble'...

 

I guess people are masochists... or 'dreamers'... they think it will not happen to them... ha-hem...

[HappyAtLast]

I have been married to my OW for forty years. At no point have I ever volunteered the way in which our relationship began to another person. That being said... do you REALLY think that people admit that their marriage began as an affair?

 

Why on earth would someone do such a thing? While I certainly don't believe that the number is huge, there are many more divorces because of an other person than people know. A good friend of mine was a divorce lawyer for nearly 45 years (god I am old ), he said, in many of the cases, especially for men, that there is another "waiting in the wings."

 

This 3% statistic that I have just started seeing on this board - does it just apply to marriages that have successfully survived for five years that began as A's? Can you see what I am saying? People have no reason to admit these things....

[Tomcat33]

I have been married to my OW for forty years. At no point have I ever volunteered the way in which our relationship began to another person. That being said... do you REALLY think that people admit that their marriage began as an affair?

 

Why on earth would someone do such a thing? While I certainly don't believe that the number is huge, there are many more divorces because of an other person than people know. A good friend of mine was a divorce lawyer for nearly 45 years (god I am old ), he said, in many of the cases, especially for men, that there is another "waiting in the wings."

 

This 3% statistic that I have just started seeing on this board - does it just apply to marriages that have successfully survived for five years that began as A's? Can you see what I am saying? People have no reason to admit these things....

 

I agree it's a taboo that you can't have an accurate stat on. It's like trying to estimate how many pedophiles are in a certain region. How would you even begin to say you have an accurate %!?!

 

NOT comparing As to pedophilia, before someone gets their titties in a knot..just want to make reference to how hard it is to get accurate #s on taboo subjects

[overandout]

Why can't the MM stay with his W because he actually married her?

 

Well, if an OW posted that the MM stayed for love, she'd have to take her own advice and leave a R where the man obviously loves another more than her.

 

Remember how many times people say they never want to be with someone who doesn't love anymore or as much as they love them? Many OW state that the W should just leave if the man doesn't love them anymore. But the man DOES love them, he just doesn't think that the W loves him.

 

I truly don't think that most men in affairs don't love their Ws. Otherwise the stats on successful affair marriages after five years would be higher than 3%. I think the men are looking to be treated the way that their W used to treat them and that if they could just make it happen, they would prefer that it be their W giving them the desired treatment.

 

So my vote is, the medicine is just too bitter. Easier to villianize the poor man by making him materialistic, opportunistic, and cruel - when he was already cruel to his family (first) in betraying them to begin with.

 

 

Great points you made there.

 

We all know the "I can't leave for the kids" excuse.

The mm who continue to remain in the marriage do have feelings for their spouse but often feel neglected and so they go looking for attention and affection from the OW.

But that is all they want, to spice up but not fundamentally change their lives.

MM genuinely in love with the OW would want to be with her full time; in an exclusive relationship. If the mm finds a willing compliant OW who isn't going to rock the boat, without any great risk to his primary relationship, then he will take it.

[NoIDidn't]

HAL

 

Of course, you can argue with the statistic. Not many people will admit that they started out as an A. So the statistic is already asking for something that doesn't come easy from those that participate in most (note that I said, MOST) adulterous liaisons: honesty.

 

But, believe it or not, I believe that the stat has some validity. Even if we changed it to 10%, it still shows that the vast majority of Ms began as affairs don't have much staying power.

 

Was that the only problem that you found with my post? What about the "eating crow" part? What about the offering that the MM usually wants the woman he married to treat him the way the OW does? Or did you get stuck at the statistic because of your personal experience of a successful marraige followoing an affair? I am guilty of selective reading too.

 

I know that they happen. A relative married his OW (15 years ago), but they are absolutely miserable and stay together because they feel like if they break up it only proves everyone else right. What a sad way to live, for anyone.

 

But the point of my post really was on the reason that I think that you will never see a thread started by an OW that says he stayed because he really loves his W.

 

I do have another reason: because the MM will never admit that to the OW hoping to ease her into that goodnight by not hurting her feelings after whatever lies he may have told about the state of his M and W.

[whichwayisup]

The mm who continue to remain in the marriage do have feelings for their spouse but

 

...But...The crush-like and intense sexual feelings for the OW overrule his long time love for his wife. That passion he once felt for his wife, but has faded over the years has now been stirred up and directed towards the OW.

 

Some call that love, but I think many know it's emotional attachment and lust which can make one feel inlove. Especially in an affair.

[Cliche]

HAL

 

Of course, you can argue with the statistic. Not many people will admit that they started out as an A. So the statistic is already asking for something that doesn't come easy from those that participate in most (note that I said, MOST) adulterous liaisons: honesty.

 

But, believe it or not, I believe that the stat has some validity. Even if we changed it to 10%, it still shows that the vast majority of Ms began as affairs don't have much staying power.

 

Does anyone know the statistic for how many marriages survive infidelity over the long-term? I don't know for sure, but I suspect that most couples that work on the affair and only see the affair as the problem probably don't end up staying together in the long run. Marriage is a two-way street at all times.

[overandout]

...But...The crush-like and intense sexual feelings for the OW overrule his long time love for his wife. That passion he once felt for his wife, but has faded over the years has now been stirred up and directed towards the OW.

 

Some call that love, but I think many know it's emotional attachment and lust which can make one feel inlove. Especially in an affair.

 

 

 

Yes, because if it turns from lust to real love, then the mm will leave his family.

There is always a bottom line to everything.

 

The OW who stays when the mm has made it clear he isn't leaving home still wants to feel she has a chance (she is in denial), or else she accepts that he is basically using her but dresses it up as something else.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, because if it turns from lust to real love, then the mm will leave his family.

There is always a bottom line to everything.

 

Even if the lust turns to real love, it still doesn't mean or guarantee that MM will leave his wife (and children) for the OW. He just may love his wife more.

 

The OW who stays when the mm has made it clear he isn't leaving home still wants to feel she has a chance (she is in denial), or else she accepts that he is basically using her but dresses it up as something else.

Yes she is in denial, he says one thing, but she 'hears' it in a different way because she's thinking with her heart, not with her head.

[HappyAtLast]

?? I don't necessarily disagree with the fact that the stat has some validity, I just think people around here really seem to be stuck on the 3%. 10%? Yeah, maybe so. I wasn't really taking issue with your post, just seems like that number has been quoted around here a bit.

 

But - what I am honestly confused about is what you mean when you said

 

"Was that the only problem that you found with my post? What about the "eating crow" part? What about the offering that the MM usually wants the woman he married to treat him the way the OW does? Or did you get stuck at the statistic because of your personal experience of a successful marraige followoing an affair? I am guilty of selective reading too.;)"

 

Did miss something in the post to which I replied? I don't see anything about eating crow or that the MM wants to be treated the way his OW does?

 

I guess I do kind of get stuck at the statistic based on my own personal situation, since I know that I dont' share how my marriage began (in case I haven't said it before, it is certainly nothing of which I am proud).

 

But if you are asking my opinion on the original question "why can't a MM love his wife?". I think they can and I agree that in most cases they do. Or, they would leave their wife to be with their OW. Remember that this is just MY opinion and the way that I handle things.

 

Don't know if I've answered your question (and really don't see anything about crow in your other post??). Am I loosing it?

 

 

HAL

 

Of course, you can argue with the statistic. Not many people will admit that they started out as an A. So the statistic is already asking for something that doesn't come easy from those that participate in most (note that I said, MOST) adulterous liaisons: honesty.

 

But, believe it or not, I believe that the stat has some validity. Even if we changed it to 10%, it still shows that the vast majority of Ms began as affairs don't have much staying power.

 

Was that the only problem that you found with my post? What about the "eating crow" part? What about the offering that the MM usually wants the woman he married to treat him the way the OW does? Or did you get stuck at the statistic because of your personal experience of a successful marraige followoing an affair? I am guilty of selective reading too.

 

I know that they happen. A relative married his OW (15 years ago), but they are absolutely miserable and stay together because they feel like if they break up it only proves everyone else right. What a sad way to live, for anyone.

 

But the point of my post really was on the reason that I think that you will never see a thread started by an OW that says he stayed because he really loves his W.

 

I do have another reason: because the MM will never admit that to the OW hoping to ease her into that goodnight by not hurting her feelings after whatever lies he may have told about the state of his M and W.

[HappyAtLast]

I don't disagree with you on the below, either. I think that most men, by nature, do not want to hurt the woman / women they care about. So - even if the MM is more in love with his wife than his OW, it would be hard to him to look her in the eye and tell her that he is still in love with his wife, basically hurting her when he had other options. Again, yes, the cowardly way out, but what is to be gained by hurting her yet more.... which kind of proves your point, doesn't it?

 

 

But the point of my post really was on the reason that I think that you will never see a thread started by an OW that says he stayed because he really loves his W.

 

I do have another reason: because the MM will never admit that to the OW hoping to ease her into that goodnight by not hurting her feelings after whatever lies he may have told about the state of his M and W.

[herenow]

We can forget the real statistics and just look here at LS to see how many MM actually leave their wives to know that most R's that start as affairs don't turn into marriages or even honest relationships.

 

Yes, there are always exceptions to everything, but we have seen very few of them here.

 

I know that it would be hard for an OW that loves a MM to admit that the MM really does love his wife and stays married because of that love. I also agree that the MM may want to lessen the blow to the OW by using a more "acceptable to the OW" reason that he stays (kids, money, comfort, crazy wife, etc.). MM has nothing to gain by telling the OW that he is in love with his wife. If he says that then he has to explain his actions, and he already has to do that with his wife, so why not take an simpler way out with the OW?

 

All I'm saying is that when talking about why a MM stays, loving his wife is a really good one.

[East of Jupiter]

...But...The crush-like and intense sexual feelings for the OW overrule his long time love for his wife. That passion he once felt for his wife, but has faded over the years has now been stirred up and directed towards the OW.

 

Some call that love, but I think many know it's emotional attachment and lust which can make one feel inlove. Especially in an affair.

 

 

I defer to Dr. Glass:

 

 

Affairs are often a chance for people to try out new behaviors, to dress in a different costume, to stretch and grow and assume a different role. In a long-term relationship, we often get frozen in our roles. When young couples begin at a certain level of success and go on to achieve all kinds of things, the new person sees them as they've become, while the old person sees them as they were.

 

The unfortunate thing is that the way a person is different in the affair would, if incorporated into the marriage, probably make their spouse ecstatic. But they believe they re stuck; they don t know how to create that opportunity for change within the marriage. A woman who was sexually inhibited in marriage perhaps she married young and had no prior partners may find her sexuality in an affair, but her husband would probably be delighted to encounter that new self.

 

And ...

 

I see a lot of men who are married to very competent women and having affairs with very weak women. They feel: "this person needs me." They put on their red cape and do a lot of rescuing. They feel very good about themselves. That makes me sad, because I know that even though their partner may be extremely competent, she wants to be stroked too. She wants a knight in shining armor. Perhaps she hasn t known how to ask for it, or the ways she s asked have pushed him away.

 

Q: Do people push their partners into affairs?

 

Dr. G. No. People can create a pattern in the marriage that is not enhancing, and the partner, instead of dealing with the dissatisfaction and trying to work on the relationship, escapes it and goes someplace else.

[scaredinlove]

I have noticed so many threads about why a MM stays with his wife. Rarely have I seen the reason stated that he stays because he realizes how much he loves her.

 

Why do some OW feel the need to blame some other reason (kids, finances, the wife will go crazy) etc? I know that these are reasons that the MM tell the OW in some cases. But, it is possible for a MM to care and love his wife enough to work on and fix their marriage. There are men who are truly remorseful and stay because they realize when faced with losing her, he really loves his wife.

 

In that case, why would it be wrong for the wife to give him a second chance? After all, the OW is willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the MM when he is cheating with her.

 

 

The same the wife blames the OW for hurting their M. Both failed to see that he is the one to blame.

Most MM will not say to the OW they love the W they will say they are staying for any other reasons.

I think it change from case to case. Sometimes they may love their W and the OW, sometimes they maybe be staying for finances and kids.

 

I know I didn't love my H but I stayed for the kids, and eventually I left but that took me yrs. If he was a nicer person I would probabky still be married to him even without love.

 

May undestanding love in marriage is not esseial. It seems to me that marriage is more of a business, if love is there than it is better. but love ends. So commitiment is what keep the couples together.

[bish]

I have no doubt that the MM love their wife... but they also love their OW. In some cases, they love the OW more but they will still choose their W because of everything else that would be taken away from him, the kids, the financial security, the circle of friends... not because solely for the W.

 

And he would certainly deserve to have those things taken away..not the kids...but he would deserve to lose custody.

[outofdarkness]

I don't disagree with you on the below, either. I think that most men, by nature, do not want to hurt the woman / women they care about. So - even if the MM is more in love with his wife than his OW, it would be hard to him to look her in the eye and tell her that he is still in love with his wife, basically hurting her when he had other options. Again, yes, the cowardly way out, but what is to be gained by hurting her yet more.... which kind of proves your point, doesn't it?

 

 

But the point of my post really was on the reason that I think that you will never see a thread started by an OW that says he stayed because he really loves his W.

 

I do have another reason: because the MM will never admit that to the OW hoping to ease her into that goodnight by not hurting her feelings after whatever lies he may have told about the state of his M and W.

It's none of my business, and I'm sorry for threadjacking, but IMO, you are in the minority and give other OW's false hope..Sorry if that sounds harsh, just trying to be honest..It doesn't mean I'm not happy for you, but you all did defy the stats....

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I disagree that Happy at Last gives false hope to OW. I can only speak from my own circumstance, and in truth, its nice to hear a MM who left his M and found happiness with his OW.

 

However, it doesn't detract from the fact that Happy At Last is not my MM, is not anyone elses MM on these boards and therefore, applying the fact that he met his OW in the final three months of a long M where he had waited for his children to become adults - nope doesn't give me hope at all really.

 

In response to the OP, I think it is a valid reason to return to a M. MM can love their W's and rediscover that love after having an A. I do not doubt it at all. I'd rather they returned for love than lifestyle, if I'm truthful. For me, it would be the most valid reason and the best reason an OW to move on.

[HappyAtLast]

truly, I would be among the first to tell a new OW to run as fast as she can and that these things rarely work out. Yes, I am happy and yes, I don't necessarily believe this 3% business, BUT.... I am aware that in most cases the OW winds up with a broken heart.

 

I just don't want to give anyone the impression that I am "pro-affair" or that I think affairs are good things. I will ALWAYS discourage someone from getting involved in such situations and have ZERO desire to give false hope to anyone.

 

Thank you for mentioning it, OOD - I never thought about it that way.

[fisherfool]

The same the wife blames the OW for hurting their M. Both failed to see that he is the one to blame.

 

Always blame. Why do you not say he was weak or he made a mistake? If anygood is to come of life blame must leave. No blame is needed.

Most MM will not say to the OW they love the W they will say they are staying for any other reasons.

This is true but most sad for all. Wife should know always that man is staying for love. Other also should know that man loves wife.

 

It seems to me that marriage is more of a business, if love is there than it is better. but love ends. So commitiment is what keep the couples together.

For some love ends but most love grows and changes into love that is more than love. Young people sometimes see the love of older people and think it is not love because they recognize only small love lust love as love. Strong love old love deep love is much more. Passion in deep love is huge. Even if mistake made when young and foolish strong love grows deep and takes in all of being not only sex and small passion.