Boyfriend into underage porn

[SweetJulia]

I recently discovered my boyfriend downloads underage porn. He's 30. I found files of 14 year olds on his PC.

 

I told him about it and he says he won't do it once we live together. He said he wouldn't go on sex newsgroups anymore but I found he downloaded another newsgroup reader.

 

I don't get it. Sex is great, we do it often too.

 

But now I'm overthinking when we have sex. Does he really want me? I'm shattered, I feel hurt. I'm 38.

 

He was excited at the fact that 17 year olds were looking at him at a science fair recently.

 

 

Should I drop him?

 

How can I ever trust him?

[Tony T]

So he won't do it once you live together...but until then he's going to keep right on downloading kiddie porn???

 

Not a good sign.

 

I'm not an expert in pornography or the psychology associated with the people who enjoy it but I will say that once a partner has expressed discomfort about the practice and the other partner refused to stop immediately or get help...that's a sign of incredible disrespect, lack of self discipline and total inconsideration.

 

Did you ask him what particular jollies he gets from doing this?

 

My vote would be to get away from this. If he's not willing to stop now, he certainly would stop later...just try to be more secretive about it. It's not likely he will seek help because he could stop if he wanted...unless he has a serious addiction...and the only person who is affected is him. Uh oh...YOU are not affected as well...but he doesn't seem to care about that.

 

I think him putting this habit ahead of keeping his relationship in good standing is a sign you need to depart. But before you do, have one more talk with him and see which is more important to him...YOU or continuing to view the child porn.

 

This doesn't sound at all good to me. If you really love the guy and leaving him will be difficult for you, consult a psychologist and give him the details and get an assessment before you take action. Myself, I don't love anybody enough to put up with something like this.

[SeetJulia]

I very much appreciate your input.

 

Actually, I told him a few months ago I didn't like him looking at porn on the Internet. He put his History to 0 days. Everytime I tell him about porn I find, he finds a way to hide it, newsgroups, history, etc. By telling him, I'm actually helping him hide it better.

 

I think you're right, he won't stop if we live together. He says he does it just because he's bored, late at night, he wouldn't do it if I was there. But I know he downloaded some files and looked at it while I was waiting for him at the mall where he was supposed to buy me a x-mas gift. He arrived 30 minutes late and we had no time for that.

 

In Kazaa I found keywords like teen, underage. When I showed him he said it wasn't him first and then that every guy does it.

Do all guys look at porn?

 

He says teens are usually 18 and over. He says he looks at young girls because he likes petite women and after that they get bigger... Does that make it right????

 

I'm petite myself, so I don't get it.

 

I know we don't live together so he might not have sex as often as he wants but sometimes when we see each other, he doesn't want to have sex he says he's tired. I can't stop thinking he's satisfied himself already. It's driving me nuts.

 

But I never said no to him, I always want to have sex, and 95% of the time, I initiate sex.

 

I think he's addicted to porn and I don't think I want to stick around. I just find it hard to tell him because I love him.

[Tony T]

In light of what you wrote above, I think you ought to move on. He's obviously a deceitful person who has no regard for your feelings...or rather puts them way below his desire for kiddie porn, somewhat like a drug addict.

 

No, all guys don't look at porn. But I would say a guy wouldn't be normal if he didn't like to look at a pretty naked lady once in a while...at least a picture. Lots of real nice guys subscribe to Playboy Magazine, but they don't use underage girls in their publication.

[clia]

I think there is a profound difference between looking a adult porn and looking at little girls naked, which is what your boyfriend is doing. Do you realize kiddie porn is illegal? I'll tell you what Every Guy out there does not get their jollies off looking at little girls.

 

From what you've posted, I think your guy has a serious problem. I would run away as fast as I could if I were in your position, but that's just me.

[SweetJulia]

But he says 16 & 17 year olds look like 18-20 year olds.

That they are just keywords...

 

I guess I'm naive...

 

But I won't stay with him because it makes me feel bad about myself. I have trouble having sex with him now anyways.

 

I think I'm depressed, I feel old and useless.

 

Even if he seeks help, I feel this will always haunt me and I will always be paranoid about him doing it behind my back.

 

Is it true that when you look at that kind of porn, after a while you want to act out on it?

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE:

 

1. "But he says 16 & 17 year olds look like 18-20 year olds."

 

What difference does it make. It's all in a person's head. HE IS OBSESSED WITH YOUNG NAKED PEOPLE!!! It is against Federal law to publish nude pictures of persons under the age of 18 on the Internet. As a matter of fact, each site which contains pictures of young girls is supposed to publish the address of a custodian who can be contacted to verify the ages of the models. However, there are websites published overseas (outside America) that actually do have teens and younger in the nude.

 

His argument as you have stated above is lame and ignorant.

 

2. "But I won't stay with him because it makes me feel bad about myself. I have trouble having sex with him now anyways."

 

There is absolutely NO reason for you to feel bad about yourself because of the insanity of another person. Don't be as crazy as he is. Don't let people suck you into a depression and low self esteem because of their own crazy acts that have nothing to do with you.

 

3. "I think I'm depressed, I feel old and useless."

 

As ye think, so shall ye be. If these feelings don't turn in to anger pretty quick, see a counsellor. There is no rational reason you should feel these, although I do understand.

 

4. "Even if he seeks help, I feel this will always haunt me and I will always be paranoid about him doing it behind my back."

 

Seeks help? You gotta be dreaming. People like this will put the blame on others and never consider what they are doing to be wrong. The key here is he will continue to do this regardless of your feelings about it. He is putting this crap ahead of his relationship with you in importance. That's a major message in itself.

 

5. "Is it true that when you look at that kind of porn, after a while you want to act out on it?"

 

No. A few probably do. I haven't seen statistics but I was a news reporter for many years and when I reported on or read about arrests of people involved in porn, it was for either being in possession of it or actively selling it. A lot of the stuff comes from overseas...but a good bit is from America.

 

People who look at it are usually doing so because getting more involved goes beyond the limit of what they are willing to risk.

 

I think you are making the right move. However, you may still need counselling to regain a level of trust that you can take into your next relationship once you get over this. Don't underestimate the scars that can accrue from this experience if you let them. Remember, this is NOT your fault and you shouldn't make yourself suffer even a minute.

[SweetJulia]

Thanks Tony.

[sweetJulia]

How can I break up?

 

I know if I see him, it will be very hard.

 

I've been trying to break up with him for the last two months.

 

I find it very difficult, I keep postponing it.

 

I feel miserable. I cry often.

 

I think of doing it by e-mail, but it seems to be a coward thing to do.

 

I need help.

[Tony T]

Sou you are going to condemn yourself to a life of pain and misery because you can't break up with him?

 

If you aren't going to look out for your happiness, nobody else is going to do it for you.

 

You simply sit down with him and let him know you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship and that his porn habits are draining you of your self esteem. Tell him these incidents have soured your taste for the relationship and that you simply can't remain with him.

 

Nobody can give you the nerve to do this. If you can't break up with somebody, you have no business dating in the first place. If things don't work out, you simply don't stay in a relationship forever.

[Just A Girl2]

So if you have been unhappy for 2 months now and you don't want to be with him but don't think you have it in you to dump him face to face, then go ahead and do it by email. Regardless of what method you chose, you need to end it. Chances are if you do it by email, he'll want to talk to you about it....by then you've already got it out on the table. Sometimes getting difficult feelings and thoughts out by writing them, can be easier. Sure, it does seem cowardly to do it by email, but it's less cowardly then doing nothing and remaining with someone you're not happy with, who gets his kicks by viewing kiddy porn...don't you think? And this crap that he'll stop doing it once you live together......that's a crock, and a preposterous crock at that. He knows it bothers you NOW, for OBVIOUS reasons, yet he won't quit now? Nevermind that.......think about what kind of individual would get off looking at pics of naked underaged/minors? Does this sound like someone you'd want to sleep with? Share time with? Marry? Have CHILDREN with?

[SweetJulia]

I don't know how to start.

 

I was at his place Saturday. He had a hockey game and then was going to the University library to "study".

 

In any case, I was alone at his place and opened his computer. I knew he had downloaded a new newsgroup reader a month ago after I made a scene when I found out he had subscribed to newsgroups like teen this and teen that with his previous reader.

 

He even told me one day, see, I deleted all the newsgroups that you didn't like.

 

I feel bad that I snooped around in his computer. It's pathetic. Did I need to do that? Probably not, I don't know why I did it.

 

Anyways, in this new reader, he had even worst stuff he had subsribed to. Stuff like runaway-girls, rape, and all the teen stuff you can imagine. Also, he had subscribed to a personals newsgroup for the city we live in... Why does someone look at personals when they have a girlfriend?

 

All I'll say is I opened a few messages in the newsgroups, and most of the pictures were of underge girls, some looked like as young as 13 years old in their bathtub...

 

It was awful.

 

I left his place in a hurry, I left the computer open with the newsgroup reader open.

 

He left me phone messages that I listened to today only. He says this Agent reader he had in the days he was looking at the stuff. But I know he downloaded the reader AFTER I found the previous one with the teen newsgroups. I know he is lying about this. He says what I'm thinking about him is wrong.

 

Maybe I should've just told him it was over Friday night and not have done this. Why won't he admit he did it. That he looks at the stuff. That he has a problem?

 

He asked me once if I would feel better if he looked at older women. But why this need to constantly look at porn?

 

I was just imagining myself living with him, and him hiding it. We have a son each of us, and I was imagining them bringing girlfriends over in a few years and my boyfriend being aroused looking at them. I was imagining myself 8 months pregnant and sleeping and him looking at the porn ...

 

Do men like only younger girls. Is there hope for women over 35?

I always felt good about myself but now I don't anymore.

 

Anyways, should I phone him back, see what he has to say and tell him what I feel or just drop it?

[Tony T]

You need to tell him how you feel and drop HIM!

 

The majority of men do not subscribe to or make it a habit of looking at kiddie porn. Most men like to look at a naked woman now and then but it's certainly not an addiction.

 

If you have to be convinced that your guy is sick and you have no hope, go talk to a psychologist or look up "child porn addiction" in a good search engine and read some of the information on reliable websites about the subject.

 

This is not a relationship that's going to go anywhere for you. I know you have a lot invested in it but let me assure you, there are many guys out there for you who will not be so heavily involved in this kind of trash.

 

Break up with him any way you want...unless you want to keep suffering with this stuff.

[Debster]

Tell him that you don't trust him, you don't want to be with someone who looks at kiddie porn and that this is not the type of person you want to be with.

 

If he starts trying to win you back, repeat the first paragraph again to him.

 

Kiddie porn is illegal. This guys is lying and hiding stuff from you. You deserve better.

[SweetJulia]

We finally broke up. I told him I couldn't live like that anymore.

He said he wanted out first though. He said, you really think of me as a pig. I didn't reply anything.

 

Why am I feeling so bad?

 

I wanted to do this for a few months, and now that it's done, I'm feeling empty.

 

Maybe I could've helped him.

 

I keep reading from women whose husbands are addicted to porn and live with that, hating it, finding it degrading and all but they kind of accept it, they resign to it.

 

Is it better to do that when it makes you feel so bad about yourself.

 

I feel guilty too. There's a lot of other things that were not too great between us, like we didn't like doing the same kind of sports, although he would come skiing with me, I'm more of an outdoors person and he was more into games, card games, fantasy games, computer games. I feel guilty I didn't mention all the other stuff that annoyed me but focused only on the porn and him posting his profile on a on an online dating service 3 months ago. I wasn't ready to go live with him and he wanted it badly for a year now. I feel I wasn't truthful enough to him in that sense. I should have told him way before. Maybe I just used the porn as an excuse. I feel mean.

 

Why do I have the urge to call him? I know it's over yet I want to be with him.

 

I think I should go see a shrink.

 

If he phones me should I talk to him or avoid it?

 

Not too swift Julia.

[clairvoyant]

Don't blame yourself. He's got a problem and only he can do something about it. You really are better off without him. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but eventually you'll realize that you did the right thing by breaking it off. As far as talking to him goes, I say don't do it.

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by SweetJulia

Maybe I could've helped him.

 

 

Ok dear, Julia. You have made a great decision to back out of this. Don't ever say you can help someone. It is not your responsibility to help them. What if you had a problem wiping your ass...would that be your bf's responsibility to help YOU do that or fix it? NO!

 

The only person that can help him is himself...and with help from a higher power and/or counseling. This is not your job. You don't need that kind of pressure to help or save someone.

 

Leave that to the people who have devoted their lives and hearts to saving and helping others.

[cindy0039]

The biggest favor you could do for this guy is to tell him to get to therapy NOW!

[velvetgirl]

Hi Julia I am also battling with the underage porn with my boyfriend.

 

I am 37 and he is 28. One day as I was using his computer I was shocked to find he had downloaded some movie clips and pictures of young girls. He had told me he accidently highlighted a group of files in win mx when he typed playboy and they just happened to be there. He said he did not view them and that would be wrong and sick.

 

This was over a year ago now and since then everytime he has looked at underage porn he has figured out ways of hiding it. He started with win mx and now uses newsgroups and thinks he is hiding it but I have figured out a way to see what he looks at. I do not dare say anything to him about it anymore because he has in the past become so angry and has accused me of being jealous and insecure.

 

We have spent days in anger and myself in despair over this and I am sickened and have become very insecure and starting to withdraw and become depressed. I have told him this bothers me and he lies and tells me it is not happening. He now gets enraged if I have any questions of him looking at porn.

 

He has continued to lie and cover his tracks really well and keeps telling me I am sick and need help. I told him that I feel he has a secret life and if he needs to lie about something like this what else is he lying about and hiding from me. He has told me he wants to marry me and have kids with me but I can't go through with this if this is something he is addicted to. He generally is pretty good with me except for this.

 

Everything you have said in your post I can relate to and was really relieved to see I'm not crazy and just feeling insecure or jealous. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this because I feel a little shame and afraid it will get back to him. I want to keep collecting evidence so I can present it to him and prove that I am not making this up. Thank you for posting this and helping others deal with their pain on this subject.

[moimeme]

There are police forces throughout North America looking for people who are into kiddie porn. This is not just a problem, it is a sexual orientation which can be very difficult to treat. If you think your boyfriends are really into this stuff, you should report them.

 

This isn't harsh; it's the way to stop the proliferation of the production and dissemination of kiddie porn. If you're talking 'teen' sites, where the girls are supposed to look 18 or 19, that's one thing, but if the girls are younger, then you are into the realm of crime and a deviation that cannot easily be 'helped', particularly until the individual is caught or realizes for himself that he is doing something illegal (unlikely).

 

Yes, collect 'evidence' if you must, but if it genuinely is about kiddie porn, there will be no point in confronting him unless you plan to tell him that he has a deviation and must seek counselling. Pedophiles are notoriously difficult to treat and, if he truly is into kids, no amount of confrontation from you will succeed where skilled psychologists cannot.

 

The bottom line is you would NEVER want to marry a man like that and let him father children because they would be at risk from their own father.

[velvetgirl]

I agree that this is serious and I am trying to do something about it, but unless you have personally experienced this situation you have no idea how much stress and pain this causes.

 

I plan to continue getting him help as we have already talked about this with a therapist. Yes he has continued to deny it and I am in the proccess of doing more if I need to. You can't just go out and call the cops when you don't have all the information yet. I always look for signs when we are out in public and do not see him looking or really even noticing underage girls.

 

I have been told by experts in that field that this does not mean he is a pedophile and will act out what he looks at and fantasizes. With some its about the fantasy and not the reality and some have been sexually abused as kids, by adults and it's how they deal with it.

 

I love my boyfriend very much but I would not let that get in the way of him potentially abusing anyone. I do know what's right and will not put up with this if this were true.

[moimeme]

Good to hear and excellent to see that you have been doing your research on this. And, yes, I do know how it is to try to help someone with a problem. I am a magnet for people with problems. You have to know what can or cannot be done, what he is willing to do, and how much you can take because few of us are constituted to deal with a person with troubles in the context of a relationship. I wish I had only been friends with my last guy because I could have been of more help to him. You may find the same is true for you. It is heartbreaking to have to quit these situations, but the alternative can often be one's own health and sanity.

[SweetJulia]

I don't think I could help my boyfriend. After someone does something like this, how do you get the trust back.

 

I feel once they have this urge or fantasy, it won't go away.

They can abstain for a while, but I feel it comes back.

 

What about self esteem?

 

How does one feel about herself when a guy looks at underage girls. I know I have a good looking body, but it still affects my self-esteem. I feel like I'm old and useless. I'm older then him too, like you.

 

My boyfriend told me there was a clear difference in his mind between reality and the porn on the web or in newsgroup. I don't agree with that. Looking at naked pictures of underage girls in newsgroups is like looking at your neighbour or some girl living next to you. It's voyeurism. Looking at underage girls is sick. How come my boyfriend had suscribed to a personals newsgroup. THat's the kind of newsgroup where you post messages to meet people. What was he up too? Was he trying to meet some underage girl? What's telling me that he's not doing the same thing again. I can't be snooping all the time and checking and doubting.

 

I had left him but now I'm taking to him again.

I have co-dependence problems. I can't let go. Even though I know this is killing me inside.

 

It's gotten to the point where I have suicidal thoughts. I feel depressed and I don't do anything anymore. I cry all the time. I lost weight, I weight about 100 lbs right now.

 

Yet, my boyfriend told me, You know those newsgroups you found, well ...bla bla bla, he told me an elaborate story on how they got there...they got there on their own. Yeah...

 

 

You state that when you go out, you check if he looks at young girls. What kind of life is this?

 

I hope you don't get to point where I am right now.

I'm in total despair.

[witchbreed]

I think its a shame that you went back. But I know, that it can be hard to follow the mind, when the heart tells different.

 

This kind of porn is an addiction and yes, you seem to have a problem with co-dependency. If you truly want to help yourself and him without splitting, at least check out the local self help groups of Sex Addicts Anonymous, the programm works pretty much like AAA - they have groups for any kind of the actual sex addicts and for their partners (co-dependents). If there is no group like that in your area, go to counseling - urgently. You need help for yourself, for your selfesteem. Maybe counseling or a group for co-dependents will help you to get your self-esteem and to be able to do what is good for you.

 

Besides, as stated above: child porn is illegal. Every consumer is responisble for kids and teenagers being actually sexually abused. If nobody was interested in them sites, not so many kids would get abused for those sites. So your bf actually is a partner in one of the worst crimes commited. Those kids souls and self esteem is killed, for gods sake.

 

I work with drug-addicts. Do you realise how many addicts have been sexually abused as kids. With the female drug addicts its 4 out of 5!

 

So its not only for your own sake and his sake, that help is needed - its for the sake of innocent kids too!

 

I wish you loads of strength and hopefully you will get the help you need. All the best.

[velvetgirl]

I too am starting to feel depressed about all this and my self esteem is harshly affected now.

 

I totally relate to everything you are saying and wish I could help him but I really doubt I can. I'm also loosing weight and having problems sleeping over this. I am talking with my therapist weekly to set a plan in motion for leaving him. I live with him and will take some time to do it safely and without him becoming enraged.

 

In the past he got very upset and very defensive when I confronted him with it all. I don't want him to know that I'm in this forum and talking to others about it.

 

The anxiety and stress of this is making me sick and I constantly have knots in my stomach. I am having difficulty concentrating at work wondering what else he is doing and being secretive about. If he is lying to me about this is he also doing other things I don't know about.

 

He is a very sexual person and constantly goes to sex shops and always goes to porn sites online and talks about meeting other couples. I have become very detective like watching for signs and hate the snooping and checking up that I feel that I have to do constantly. This is no way to live without trust and constant anxiety.