I would like to understand...

[outofdarkness]

How some of you; OW's that is, can be so cold and callous regarding their MM's W and family? I have tried and tried and tried to understand since first coming on LS almost one year ago, your "side" of things...Thus far, I have failed miserably.

 

Some seem to even sort of brag of their A's...I can understand that sometimes these things just happen, and I can certainly understand that MM's are excellent liars, but just to openly and blantently have an A w/ an MM with full knowledge that they are M and not to feel any remorse...To actually seem to be proud of the A...The lack of respect and degradation when referring to the W is astounding to me...I would just like to know why the contempt?

 

I think it's fair question..ood:confused:

[Cliche]

OOD, I don't think we could give you any answers that would satisfy you, but in many of these cases, it is neither contempt nor callousness.

 

You're dealing with a very difficult situation and I'm sorry.

[BusinessSocks]

I don't know that I can answer your question, either, as I didn't feel that way about my DH's ex-W when he and I got involved. In fact, I worried about her, knowing that typically speaking, divorce leaves a woman a lot worse off than a man, financially speaking.

 

But let me tell you, she became so brutal with the things that she said about him and me that it made it hard to keep much sympathy in the end. Sure, what I "did to her"--slept with her husband before they were divorced--wasn't the best route perhaps. Yet, she tried to get me fired, she lied about the circumstances, and she neglected to tell anyone HER part in why their marriage fell apart...long before he ever even knew I existed.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to articulate is that I think sometimes the BS acts so holier-than-thou and feels he/she has the right to completely ruin the OW/OM's life, regardless of the situation. I can understand hurt and outrage. I can understand anger and telling anyone who will listen about the A and how awful it felt and was. But I don't understand taking on this role of judge, jury, and crucifier. I think it's after getting to this point of being viewed as the only wrong or evil party that gets some OW/OM cold and callous toward the BS.

 

I don't know if that helps, but probably not. I'm sorry if you are going through a difficult time, and I wish you nothing but peace and healing.

[justice]

I don't know that I can answer your question, either, as I didn't feel that way about my DH's ex-W when he and I got involved. In fact, I worried about her, knowing that typically speaking, divorce leaves a woman a lot worse off than a man, financially speaking.

 

But let me tell you, she became so brutal with the things that she said about him and me that it made it hard to keep much sympathy in the end. Sure, what I "did to her"--slept with her husband before they were divorced--wasn't the best route perhaps. Yet, she tried to get me fired, she lied about the circumstances, and she neglected to tell anyone HER part in why their marriage fell apart...long before he ever even knew I existed.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to articulate is that I think sometimes the BS acts so holier-than-thou and feels he/she has the right to completely ruin the OW/OM's life, regardless of the situation. I can understand hurt and outrage. I can understand anger and telling anyone who will listen about the A and how awful it felt and was. But I don't understand taking on this role of judge, jury, and crucifier. I think it's after getting to this point of being viewed as the only wrong or evil party that gets some OW/OM cold and callous toward the BS.

 

I don't know if that helps, but probably not. I'm sorry if you are going through a difficult time, and I wish you nothing but peace and healing.

 

 

Excuse me, but weren't you being brutal when you slept with this woman's husband? Think about it. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Think about it.

[Lizzie60]

I don't know that I can answer your question, either, as I didn't feel that way about my DH's ex-W when he and I got involved. In fact, I worried about her, knowing that typically speaking, divorce leaves a woman a lot worse off than a man, financially speaking.

 

But let me tell you, she became so brutal with the things that she said about him and me that it made it hard to keep much sympathy in the end. Sure, what I "did to her"--slept with her husband before they were divorced--wasn't the best route perhaps. Yet, she tried to get me fired, she lied about the circumstances, and she neglected to tell anyone HER part in why their marriage fell apart...long before he ever even knew I existed.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to articulate is that I think sometimes the BS acts so holier-than-thou and feels he/she has the right to completely ruin the OW/OM's life, regardless of the situation. I can understand hurt and outrage. I can understand anger and telling anyone who will listen about the A and how awful it felt and was. But I don't understand taking on this role of judge, jury, and crucifier. I think it's after getting to this point of being viewed as the only wrong or evil party that gets some OW/OM cold and callous toward the BS.

 

I don't know if that helps, but probably not. I'm sorry if you are going through a difficult time, and I wish you nothing but peace and healing.

 

This is sooo true:

 

she neglected to tell anyone HER part in why their marriage fell apart

 

acts so holier-than-thou and feels he/she has the right to completely ruin the OW/OM's life

 

and I will add...

 

...all this when, the H should the first one to blame in the first place...

 

then they take their H back... he just needs to apologize, cry a little bit, make big promises...wait some time... then finds another OW or go back to the same...

[child_of_isis]

Truthfully, I think she does have the right, as her life has been altered in a way she could never imagine.

 

I have been reading some of these forums about this stuff....it's horrible what they go through. They never see things the same again. Then they have the added responsibility of trying to forgive and fall back in love with H. To save the M. They have children and an entire life that they must put before themselves. All the while trying to come to grips that the man they married is not who they thought he was.

 

They have to do (as in function) all of this...while enduring gut wrenching pain.

 

 

How a woman can do this to another woman, is beyond my comprehension.

has the right to completely ruin the OW/OM's life, regardless of the situation.

[Ladyjane14]

How a woman can do this to another woman, is beyond my comprehension.

 

Yeah. I can't wrap my mind around that one either.

I can see how mistakes happen, errors in judgment or whatever. But I can't understand cleaving to a mindset that is destructive to other people.

 

Frankly OOD, I don't think it's something that you'll ever fully understand. You're too nice of a person.

It's the difference between being able to acknowledge that there's evil in the world... and being willing to embrace it yourself. Unimaginable. A chasm too wide for crossing.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't know that it is a cold hearted deliberate attempt to destroy the W, so much as it is indifference toward her and what is best for her. When a person falls in love, they tend to overlook whatever they need to overlook in order to keep feeding the infatuation - some people can overlook flaws like alcoholism, abuse, lying - and OW have no problem overlooking a flaw like 'being married'. They simply see the W as something their boyfriend has to overcome.

 

The W isn't a target, she's merely an obstacle. The MM is right along there giving OW that impression as well. So... she waits patiently while the MM tries to overcome this flaw of 'being married' so that he can be with her. If the MM says that he can't leave his marriage, then that is like being with someone who has an incurable disease. OW simply accepts it, and copes with it and makes the best of it that she can.

 

They don't feel remorse for helping destroy a marriage, because they don't see the marriage as being that great anyhow. If it was that great, MM wouldn't be falling in love with/having sex with someone else, right? That's how they justify it, anyway.

[Lizzie60]

I have to tell you this... I enjoy reading all your posts... you are so right... I like the way you put things out there.

 

You are one of the 'intelligent' poster on here...

 

I am not saying that to be a 'brown noser' LOL I really do enjoy reading your posts....

[IfWishesWereHorses]

 

How a woman can do this to another woman, is beyond my comprehension.

 

Umm... an inflated sense of self entitlement. Then ofcourse comes the projection and blaming of the BS. If the BS finds out then can you believe she didn't have the audacity to walk away so I could have it my way. Can you believe she didn't handle this intrusion on her life with grace an compassion, neither of which has been shown her her. Can you believe she was angry, reactive, suicidal, ect...

 

The need to project onto the betrayed is the ONLY way to avoid taking personal responsiblity. She became the enemy, or opponent without her knowledge which enhances any relationship. The best football games are always those against the teams biggest rivals.

 

One can justify these actions of interference and betrayal into a strangers life because a personal emotional need of their own is met. Persons who knowingly,willingly inflict this on an unsuspecting person then expect their chosen target not to act in anyway that might shatter their thinly painted illusion. HOW else can they justify their actions? By blaming the "enemy".

The normal responses (well documented by the way) to this betrayal/trama are then used by OP to further purpetuate their idea of the betrayed's deserving of this type of treatment.

 

The psychology involved can be taken out of the context of interpersonal relationships and viewed historically. Hitler's regime is a prime example. Misled follower's pitted against an entire race, all a proverbial smoke screen created to perpetuate one man's agenda. Ever read the stories of the people who woke up one day after the smoke had cleared and realized the enormity of their actions, questioned how they could have ever been involved?

 

The OW though is in a situation to blame either party depending on where in the process she is. Questioning and blaming over and over ad nauseum unless she one day wakes up and takes complete responisibility for her selfish actions and there effects on her own life and others.

 

Blaming the betrayed (as well as the instigator) is not so surprising, this form of projection is simply a self protecting coping mechanism, but unfortunately it is about a fulfilling as a rice cake, so it becomes cyclical as its affects become diminished with each cycle.

[Darth Vader]

How some of you; OW's that is, can be so cold and callous regarding their MM's W and family? I have tried and tried and tried to understand since first coming on LS almost one year ago, your "side" of things...Thus far, I have failed miserably.

 

Some seem to even sort of brag of their A's...I can understand that sometimes these things just happen, and I can certainly understand that MM's are excellent liars, but just to openly and blantently have an A w/ an MM with full knowledge that they are M and not to feel any remorse...To actually seem to be proud of the A...The lack of respect and degradation when referring to the W is astounding to me...I would just like to know why the contempt?

 

I think it's fair question..ood:confused:

 

 

They're sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigots, oh wait, sorry, that's another story!

 

To answer your question, they're selfish, that's it, that goes for OM too. Well you can close this thread now. J/K about closing the thread thing.....

[pricillia]

OOD,

 

This is an interesting question that you ask, I guess that every situation is different in a sense, but the fact remains that there is still a commitment that was made that is now being broken by the cheating spouse.

 

I have discussed this with Touche before that there is a woman code that we should all adhere to.

 

So with this said the OW ends up taking most of the blame for the secret relationship

[Trialbyfire]

So with this said the OW ends up taking most of the blame for the secret relationship

Not always pricillia. Everyone rationalizes a different way. There maybe a certain portion of betrayed spouses that solely blame the OW/OM but most allocate responsibility to both WS and OW/OM.

 

Myself, I see any WS as cowardly, lacking self-esteem and very self-centered. Afraid, selfish and needy, so they require a side bit, a bridge or someone to emotionally cling to, before moving forward.

 

As for OW/OM, I will never understand the mentality. It's very self-destructive and self-entitling. One fuels the other.

[pricillia]

Not always pricillia. Everyone rationalizes a different way. There maybe a certain portion of betrayed spouses that solely blame the OW/OM but most allocate responsibility to both WS and OW/OM.

 

Myself, I see any WS as cowardly, lacking self-esteem and very self-centered. Afraid, selfish and needy, so they require a side bit, a bridge or someone to emotionally cling to, before moving forward.

 

As for OW/OM, I will never understand the mentality. It's very self-destructive and self-entitling. One fuels the other.

 

I don't disagree TF, also though it depends what type of relationship it is emotional or just for the sex.

 

But people like to compete women vs. other women and just people in general.

 

I am not like that, but some of the MM play into this and know how to work it.

[child_of_isis]

Women are more about the greater good...whereas men are more about themselves.

 

So that being said...there is a possibility that women hold other women to higher standards.

 

I also believe there to be a "divide and conquer" aspect in our society. Pitting women against one another. I am younger. I am slimmer. I am blonder. I am prettier, better cook, better mother, better lover...blah blah blah.

 

 

 

 

OOD,

 

This is an interesting question that you ask, I guess that every situation is different in a sense, but the fact remains that there is still a commitment that was made that is now being broken by the cheating spouse.

 

I have discussed this with Touche before that there is a woman code that we should all adhere to.

 

So with this said the OW ends up taking most of the blame for the secret relationship

[Tomcat33]

I don't know that it is a cold hearted deliberate attempt to destroy the W, so much as it is indifference toward her and what is best for her. When a person falls in love, they tend to overlook whatever they need to overlook in order to keep feeding the infatuation - some people can overlook flaws like alcoholism, abuse, lying - and OW have no problem overlooking a flaw like 'being married'. They simply see the W as something their boyfriend has to overcome.

 

The W isn't a target, she's merely an obstacle. The MM is right along there giving OW that impression as well. So... she waits patiently while the MM tries to overcome this flaw of 'being married' so that he can be with her. If the MM says that he can't leave his marriage, then that is like being with someone who has an incurable disease. OW simply accepts it, and copes with it and makes the best of it that she can.

 

They don't feel remorse for helping destroy a marriage, because they don't see the marriage as being that great anyhow. If it was that great, MM wouldn't be falling in love with/having sex with someone else, right? That's how they justify it, anyway.

 

This is the bottom line. We just don't think of the third person we just think of what we have with these men and the stong feelings of love overpower any voice of reason.

 

Personally I never felt good about knowing he was lying to his W to be with me, especially since his whole family and friends knew about us and she didn't. I thought it was unfair to her and in poor taste, and we had many fights about this to the point where he told me I was bad for his self esteem. But at the end of the day he did nothing to change that he conitnued to lie to her.

 

However, he chose to handle his situation with her like that and so I realised I couldn't interfere with that, it was futile. So in the end I was too concerned with trying to make my own rel. work let alone trying to understand how theirs did.

[outofdarkness]

I don't know that I can answer your question, either, as I didn't feel that way about my DH's ex-W when he and I got involved. In fact, I worried about her, knowing that typically speaking, divorce leaves a woman a lot worse off than a man, financially speaking.

 

But let me tell you, she became so brutal with the things that she said about him and me that it made it hard to keep much sympathy in the end. Sure, what I "did to her"--slept with her husband before they were divorced--wasn't the best route perhaps. Yet, she tried to get me fired, she lied about the circumstances, and she neglected to tell anyone HER part in why their marriage fell apart...long before he ever even knew I existed.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to articulate is that I think sometimes the BS acts so holier-than-thou and feels he/she has the right to completely ruin the OW/OM's life, regardless of the situation. I can understand hurt and outrage. I can understand anger and telling anyone who will listen about the A and how awful it felt and was. But I don't understand taking on this role of judge, jury, and crucifier. I think it's after getting to this point of being viewed as the only wrong or evil party that gets some OW/OM cold and callous toward the BS.

 

I don't know if that helps, but probably not. I'm sorry if you are going through a difficult time, and I wish you nothing but peace and healing.

Yes, that was honest, insightful and respectful, as well as helpful to me..Thanks for taking the time to post...

[outofdarkness]

This is sooo true:

 

she neglected to tell anyone HER part in why their marriage fell apart

 

acts so holier-than-thou and feels he/she has the right to completely ruin the OW/OM's life

 

and I will add...

 

...all this when, the H should the first one to blame in the first place...

 

then they take their H back... he just needs to apologize, cry a little bit, make big promises...wait some time... then finds another OW or go back to the same...

Just when I feel like you might have alittle class, you have to add in alittle dig..I am fast getting outdone w/ your lack of morals and quite franlkly narccistic OP's..IMO that is...

[outofdarkness]

Truthfully, I think she does have the right, as her life has been altered in a way she could never imagine.

 

I have been reading some of these forums about this stuff....it's horrible what they go through. They never see things the same again. Then they have the added responsibility of trying to forgive and fall back in love with H. To save the M. They have children and an entire life that they must put before themselves. All the while trying to come to grips that the man they married is not who they thought he was.

 

They have to do (as in function) all of this...while enduring gut wrenching pain.

 

 

How a woman can do this to another woman, is beyond my comprehension.

Yeah, beyond comprehension is MOP too.

[outofdarkness]

Yeah. I can't wrap my mind around that one either.

I can see how mistakes happen, errors in judgment or whatever. But I can't understand cleaving to a mindset that is destructive to other people.

 

Frankly OOD, I don't think it's something that you'll ever fully understand. You're too nice of a person.

It's the difference between being able to acknowledge that there's evil in the world... and being willing to embrace it yourself. Unimaginable. A chasm too wide for crossing.

Yeah, I think you're right...I've been keeping up w/ the story about the Dr. and his family who were robbed, assaulted and left for dead a week ago..It's bothered me much more then anything else I've seen in the news and I don't watch TV that much...I think the reason it bothers me so very much is b/c it's sooo hard to wrap my mind around the fact that yes, evil is alive and well on this earth..and it somtimes lives next door...Know that story is off topic, but your comment brought it to my mind again..Thanks for the post.

[outofdarkness]

I don't know that it is a cold hearted deliberate attempt to destroy the W, so much as it is indifference toward her and what is best for her. When a person falls in love, they tend to overlook whatever they need to overlook in order to keep feeding the infatuation - some people can overlook flaws like alcoholism, abuse, lying - and OW have no problem overlooking a flaw like 'being married'. They simply see the W as something their boyfriend has to overcome.

 

The W isn't a target, she's merely an obstacle. The MM is right along there giving OW that impression as well. So... she waits patiently while the MM tries to overcome this flaw of 'being married' so that he can be with her. If the MM says that he can't leave his marriage, then that is like being with someone who has an incurable disease. OW simply accepts it, and copes with it and makes the best of it that she can.

 

They don't feel remorse for helping destroy a marriage, because they don't see the marriage as being that great anyhow. If it was that great, MM wouldn't be falling in love with/having sex with someone else, right? That's how they justify it, anyway.

And...I once read an article/ interview w/ a serial killer who was asked by the intereviewer how he felt when he actually killed someone...His reply was; "Well..How do YOU feel when you sqaush a fly or nat??"..Need I say more about this post?

[outofdarkness]

OOD,

 

This is an interesting question that you ask, I guess that every situation is different in a sense, but the fact remains that there is still a commitment that was made that is now being broken by the cheating spouse.

 

I have discussed this with Touche before that there is a woman code that we should all adhere to.

 

So with this said the OW ends up taking most of the blame for the secret relationship

Yeah, I do agree w/ the "woman code" idea...Wouldn't THAT be nice!

[whichwayisup]

So I guess what I'm trying to articulate is that I think sometimes the BS acts so holier-than-thou and feels he/she has the right to completely ruin the OW/OM's life, regardless of the situation.

 

But you helped her H ruin HER life........

 

Everyone has choices. And when it comes to affairs, it's a choice to BE in one or START one.

[outofdarkness]

Women are more about the greater good...whereas men are more about themselves.

 

So that being said...there is a possibility that women hold other women to higher standards.

 

I also believe there to be a "divide and conquer" aspect in our society. Pitting women against one another. I am younger. I am slimmer. I am blonder. I am prettier, better cook, better mother, better lover...blah blah blah.

Yeah, I am seeing this alot w/ our teenage daughter..I just keep telling her to hang in there...It doesn't go away...this competition and bantering, it just changes...

[outofdarkness]

This is the bottom line. We just don't think of the third person we just think of what we have with these men and the stong feelings of love overpower any voice of reason.

 

Personally I never felt good about knowing he was lying to his W to be with me, especially since his whole family and friends knew about us and she didn't. I thought it was unfair to her and in poor taste, and we had many fights about this to the point where he told me I was bad for his self esteem. But at the end of the day he did nothing to change that he conitnued to lie to her.

 

However, he chose to handle his situation with her like that and so I realised I couldn't interfere with that, it was futile. So in the end I was too concerned with trying to make my own rel. work let alone trying to understand how theirs did.

A very honest and insightful reply.Thanks for taking the time to post..