GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Pandering to a man and his ego 24/7 is exhausting. OW's only have to do it for an hour or so a couple of times a week. I'm sorry, the truth of the matter is that you don't KNOW OW's experiences or how much time they spend with their partner...You know your own experience and as I recall, your experience is as a BS...Let OW speak to their own experience... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 How some of you; OW's that is, can be so cold and callous regarding their MM's W and family? I have tried and tried and tried to understand since first coming on LS almost one year ago, your "side" of things...Thus far, I have failed miserably. Some seem to even sort of brag of their A's...I can understand that sometimes these things just happen, and I can certainly understand that MM's are excellent liars, but just to openly and blantently have an A w/ an MM with full knowledge that they are M and not to feel any remorse...To actually seem to be proud of the A...The lack of respect and degradation when referring to the W is astounding to me...I would just like to know why the contempt? I think it's fair question..ood:confused: I didn't read the other posts but I have often wondered about this too. I have never dated a MM that I know of but if I had and knew it I would never even talk to him about his wife and family. I don't understand why they ask questions about his wife and why they don't tell him not to talk about her. If I got caught with him I would be so ashamed there would be nothing I could say to her but the truth and ask her and God for forgiveness. I can only imagine the contempt comes from the W having something the OW wants and when the MM goes back to his W it just makes brings home the reality of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I'm sorry, the truth of the matter is that you don't KNOW OW's experiences or how much time they spend with their partner...You know your own experience and as I recall, your experience is as a BS...Let OW speak to their own experience... Thanks, GEL. I was going to comment that 1) I don't pander to anyone's ego. I have true feelings and desires that I willingly share and/or give, and in return I accept his feelings and desires for me and 2) it is a hell of a lot more than an hour a couple of times a week. I think for the entire relationship, and at least since I've found out he wasn't seperated and I've demanded a certain level of assurance of his commitment to me, I've spent more time with him than his W. The generalizations confuse the honest answers to the questions asked by both OPs and BS' on here. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 In the example of the man in the Infidelity forum did the Rabbi know as well? No, that was my point, a man who has much insight into people and their actions had no clue until he became clean and started the recovery process. The man in question had a deep love and respect for the rabbi. He admits though that in the throws of his addiction he saw nothing clearly. His misbehaviors were generally caused by stress or shame or guilt and the addiction and cumpulsion were his way of dealing and escaping. He admits to subjection his wife to std's while nursing their infant sons who he loves. It is amazing to me how sexual abuse in childhood continues as sexual acting out in adulthood. It seems that you would shy away from what had caused you such pain, not use it to cope. It does aparently cause one to be almost incapable of "true" intimacy as well as empathy. In my opinion, any woman who could allow her H an open M without desiring the same for herself would be offering up her soul to be trampled upon. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I can only imagine the contempt comes from the W having something the OW wants and when the MM goes back to his W it just makes brings home the reality of the relationship. One might think this would be the case, but I don't believe I have ever seen an example of this realization on this board aeb the why is it never that a H takes the wife back for love.. thread. Also GEL, COI is not a BS, I think that she has stated that atleast on several threads. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Also GEL, COI is not a BS, I think that she has stated that atleast on several threads. I didn't see that...But we all KNOW she's not an OW... Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 well now honestly...if you think about it, the BS knows more about the OW's experience probably even more so than the OW. Say for instance if my X was having an A when we split, there are some things that I would know that the OW never would and could probably put together the rest of it. I would know how much sex we were having. If we were getting along. If I was "cold"...or any of the other lines that are handed to the OW. Handling the finances, I could guesstimate how much money was being spent on OW....if any. Knowing when he was or was not home, I could guesstimate how much time was spent with OW. Gauging my his cell phone habits, I could even guesstimate how much phone time OW was getting. And spouses that have been together long term, know one another inside and out. They can sniff out lies, discomforts, disturbances, etc etc. The OW is pretty much clueless in this area and has to depend on MM to clarify these things. Which of course are lies. So yeah, the BS probably knows more about OW's experience than the OW could ever fathom. I'm sorry, the truth of the matter is that you don't KNOW OW's experiences or how much time they spend with their partner...You know your own experience and as I recall, your experience is as a BS...Let OW speak to their own experience... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 well now honestly...if you think about it, the BS knows more about the OW's experience probably even more so than the OW. Say for instance if my X was having an A when we split, there are some things that I would know that the OW never would and could probably put together the rest of it. I would know how much sex we were having. If we were getting along. If I was "cold"...or any of the other lines that are handed to the OW. Handling the finances, I could guesstimate how much money was being spent on OW....if any. Knowing when he was or was not home, I could guesstimate how much time was spent with OW. Gauging my his cell phone habits, I could even guesstimate how much phone time OW was getting. And spouses that have been together long term, know one another inside and out. They can sniff out lies, discomforts, disturbances, etc etc. The OW is pretty much clueless in this area and has to depend on MM to clarify these things. Which of course are lies. So yeah, the BS probably knows more about OW's experience than the OW could ever fathom. You're really funny! You couldn't even begin to guess... And you assume every M is so long term...If they were so great at sniffing out their spouse, you'd think it take over 2 years to do so and still counting? You've made alot of assumptions here that are really just pure ignorance because you don't have a clue and you're genralizing your M to others and that's like comparing apples to oranges... You might actually learn something if you listened more and talked less... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 And you assume every M is so long term... Most people who get married think this way GEL. It IS assumed that the marriage will last a long time, unless death is involved... Also, EVERYONE on here has generalized at certain times. Not only in this part of the forum, but all over. It's just a fact of life that people generalize at times. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Also, COI was not married! Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 You're really funny! You couldn't even begin to guess... And you assume every M is so long term...If they were so great at sniffing out their spouse, you'd think it take over 2 years to do so and still counting? You've made alot of assumptions here that are really just pure ignorance because you don't have a clue and you're genralizing your M to others and that's like comparing apples to oranges... You might actually learn something if you listened more and talked less... ...this from a gal who, in another thread said, "What is unbelievable is the lack of civility that comes across in your posts." Not sounding very civil today, GEL. Calling people ignorant and all. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 ...this from a gal who, in another thread said, "What is unbelievable is the lack of civility that comes across in your posts." Not sounding very civil today, GEL. Calling people ignorant and all. I didn't call anyone ignorant...Maybe you should re-read my words... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Also, COI was not married! Wow! And she knows so much about marriage! That explains it!:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 The fact that I have never been M doesn't detract from my knowledge of long term R's. Nor my knowledge of men. Let's try to tone down the personal verbiage and converse like adults.Wow! And she knows so much about marriage! That explains it!:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Wow! And she knows so much about marriage! That explains it!:bunny: :laugh:Go figure:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I didn't call anyone ignorant...Maybe you should re-read my words... Wow! And she knows so much about marriage! That explains it!:bunny: You may not have called her ignorant, but then in the above quote, you take a shot at her. There are pot-shots and low blows going on all over the place, not only on this thread but all over the place. Everyone is guilty of it too. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 The last few posts above are exactly why some folks wanna take a dig - the smug, shi**y tone of your posts. All you're getting is the same some of you people dish out, so either just be quiet and like it, or use your own advice and try to play well with others. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Like my momma has always told me, if you dish it out, make sure you can take it when it comes your way. LOL! (Sorry just making a joke...Me and my mom, well that's a WHOLE other thread for a different day...I'm sure we all have our MOM stories to tell...) Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 The last few posts above are exactly why some folks wanna take a dig - the smug, shi**y tone of your posts. All you're getting is the same some of you people dish out, so either just be quiet and like it, or use your own advice and try to play well with others. Some folks or you? And I don't want your advice or need it...So to each his own... Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 See...that was my whole point...if OW gets huge chunks of time, resources and emtotional involvement..wifey would be on that in a heartbeat. What OW does get is so minute it can go unnoticed for a long time. And you assume every M is so long term...If they were so great at sniffing out their spouse, you'd think it take over 2 years to do so and still counting? Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 You bet it is!! I am very happy for you and for knowing that you are taking steps towards your own progress. It's about time you started thinking about you and rediscovering just how special you are. It's not easy it is too many years of a life that you know all too well, but we are creatures of habit. What may seem like a big change today in time becomes a habit. It's really amazing how much you will find in yourself once you start looking for it. This is really great news. I mean that sincerely. well well well TC!!!!!!!!!!! That is so uplifting and so complimentary coming from you knowing how we have "clashed" at times! This post made me feel empowered! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 What a conicidence you said that. Yesterday I was saying in my post to OOD here, short of leaving this man or telling him you give him your blessing to sleep around, I don't know what else could actually fix things...I was also going to add but if she DID give him her blessings to go around and have an open marriage not even sure he would enjoy it because part of the sickeness seems the fact that he has to sneak around and cover his lies. I too have a feeling that deception is a big part of his drive. In the example of the man in the Infidelity forum did the Rabbi know as well? Yes, my H is a sex addict and suffers from chronic severe depression as well as anger issues...He most certainly DOES thrive on the deception and the "thrill of the chase"...This is true w/ most sex addicts...and NO, I am NOT saying that MM who cheat are ALL addicts...It's like any addiction...Some of us can drink once and not again for weeks, even months, but if you're an alcoholic, you can't have just one drink and then stop....It's no different w/ sex addiction.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 See...that was my whole point...if OW gets huge chunks of time, resources and emtotional involvement..wifey would be on that in a heartbeat. What OW does get is so minute it can go unnoticed for a long time. IDK...Seems to me that every A is unique...From what I've learned and read on LS and from IC and MC and from MY CH, the amount of time spent between the MM and OW is as varied as the amount of time one spends playing soduko or shopping.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 In the example of the man in the Infidelity forum did the Rabbi know as well? No, that was my point, a man who has much insight into people and their actions had no clue until he became clean and started the recovery process. The man in question had a deep love and respect for the rabbi. He admits though that in the throws of his addiction he saw nothing clearly. His misbehaviors were generally caused by stress or shame or guilt and the addiction and cumpulsion were his way of dealing and escaping. He admits to subjection his wife to std's while nursing their infant sons who he loves. It is amazing to me how sexual abuse in childhood continues as sexual acting out in adulthood. It seems that you would shy away from what had caused you such pain, not use it to cope. It does aparently cause one to be almost incapable of "true" intimacy as well as empathy. In my opinion, any woman who could allow her H an open M without desiring the same for herself would be offering up her soul to be trampled upon. well said! I really thought the whole open M thing went out in the early 70's...seriously...Guess I've been sort of isolated...lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 Pandering to a man and his ego 24/7 is exhausting. OW's only have to do it for an hour or so a couple of times a week. I also think W's understand that M's are a partnership. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. Most don't believe that it is soley her responsibility to keep the M alive. IMO cheating spouses are always expecting someone else to do all of the work. If that is the kind of person you want to be with in a relationship, so be it. But truley, if the R with your MM does work out...in the end, there is a big likelihood that he will suck the life right out of you with his neediness. "In fact, if BS's in general want to have happy healthy M's, why not listen to our stories and be your own H's OW? " Yep, they are pretty needy sob's aren't they? lol Link to post Share on other sites
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