Need some advise...

[ACE123]

Hi all!

I have a complex problem that I need some assistance with.

As some of you may know from my previous posts, my GF is 10 years older than I, (I'm 28) has a 21 year old son, and has had 2 previous marriages.

 

I phoned her today, and she told me she has stomach ulcers, the doctor said that they are most likely stress-related.

 

Now, I have senced that something has been bothering her lately (over the past month or more) and have asked her if she wants to talk about it, but she always replies "it's none of your buisness" or "forget it, I'll deal with it."

I suspect her problems are financial, but can't be sure, you see, I don't want to bug or pry into what she obviously does not want to discuss with me.

The other day I confronted her with this, viewing it as a trust issue, which she assured me it was not, but in the same conversation, she also said that she did not want me to know what she's dealing with as not to "give me ammunition to use against her."

Granted, my GF has had some VERY ****ty realtionships in the past, and unfortunately, I think it is affecting our relationship now.

Some issues:

 

For one, she has problems with the age difference. I'm not sure what problems, but then again, she says that she is not sure either.

 

Secondly, I believe that those possible financial problems are eating away at her (pardon the ulcer pun) and she feels she has no one to talk to.

 

I have told her a few times, that if she ever needed ANYTHING, she could talk to me, but she still has major issues with talking

about her problems, so instead of venting, she burries them deep inside and lets them build up until the become intolerable.

 

What should I do? I have already opened the door to communications by assuring her I will always be there for her if she needs moral support, but she still won't open up to me!

I'm worried sick for her, but am doing my best to put up a strong front...as I care for her more deeply than anyone I've ever met.

 

Well for now I'll try and be patient, hopefully, in time she'll open up to me, but it is very stressfull on my part, being the one who hasn't been burned before, and is willing to 'risk' being hurt.

 

Have any of you had a similar experience? If so, I could really use some wise words about now!

 

Cheers!

ACE123

[Tony T]

This lady has a son only seven years younger than you and I'm sure that weighs heavily on her mind. I'm sure you're right on target as far as her financial stresses are concerned and it's not likely she will want to burden you with these.

 

However, if you are to have a successful relationship of any kind with her, you will have to surmount these obstacles. If you can't get her to communicate with you and share her troubles and tribulations, then there is really no purpose for the relationship.

 

You sound like a very sharp guy and she ought to be very grateful that she's has somebody like you to care as much as she does.

 

If I were you, I would have a nice talk with her and once again tell her exactly how you feel...about her and about the situation. Once she is convinced about how you feel and gets OK with the age thing, I think she may open up a bit more. However, if she is a natural non-communicator...and that's very possible considering she's been married twice...you may never be able to get her to stop clamming up. But it's worth a try.

 

I think you would be a valued companion for any lady. If this doesn't work out for you, I'm sure you will have no problem whatsoever finding a wonderful lady with whom you can have a communicative, non-chaotic and fulfilling relationship. Hopefully, it would be with someone closer to your age.

 

Good luck and best wishes to you for great happiness!

[ACE123]

Once again, you hit the nail right on the head Tony, and thanks for the kind words of reassurance too!

 

I hoping that she'll eventually open up to me, but on that same note I'm also hoping I'm not setting myself up for a big let down.

 

So, I think I've gotta play my cards carefully, not bug her too much, but on the same note continue reassuring her, that she has, (in me) someone she CAN trust and CAN talk to... hopefully if she can get past that point, we can have a REAL and mutually benificial relationship.

 

But, another question:

 

I view myself as a "relationship-dummy" and am not sure how to go about getting her to understand that she CAN trust me without her viewing this as prying or just plain annoying.

 

"Uh..you do know you CAN confide in me, right honey?"

LOL!..yeah, I'm sure THAT would go over well...NOT!

 

Also, it's a little intimidating for me.... she's older, has had almost a lifetime more experiences than I, which I DO respect, and love her for, but it does make me a little nervous discussing things she most likely has had way more dealings with.

 

I suppose the best I can do is love her as honestly and thoughtfully as I can...which is exactly what I've been trying my damnedest to do, but as you can probably tell, is not quite as easy as I'd like it to be at times!

 

On a slightly different note, she has said to me:

"A relationship shouldn't have to be worked on, it should just happen."

I must be a dolt or something because I totally dissagree.

I don't think a relationship should be hard, or tedious work, however I believe some compromise and understanding on both parts is nessary for a relationship to be sucessfull.

Well, I've told her this, and she still sticks to her guns with the whole "...it should just happen" theroy.

What do you think about this?

[mewbomb]

just happens... ADAM AND EVE...

 

Ive heard that theory before and i have to say... that i totally disagree. No two people are going to be so well fit for each other that no comprimise or work has to be done.

 

This is just my opinion but ive been in may relationships, granted some need more work than others...that is true.

 

Just make sure you keep your head up...im a little concerned that your "intimidated" by your own girlfriend...

 

I am 28 and my last gf was 37... I never once did feel intimidated. I felt she knew a bit more... not much though in that case. Either way...

 

Hope everything works out... if she can't communicate, it might blow up at you in the end and you'll be like " What the **** happened? Why didn't you say anything???"" know what i mean????

 

good luck

[ACE123]

Maybe that was a bad choice of words.

I'm not so much intimidated, as I am a little leary of wether or not I am even qualified to give advise on things I don't have a lot of experience at.

 

Does that make any sense?

[mewbomb]

make it seem like you have... does she know everything? or everything about you???

 

I mean really...

 

Relationships are two-way man... if she is calling the shots you mind wind up lookin' brainless..

 

keep it real... seem confident and i wish you luck!

[Dragonflys]

You sound EXACTLY the same way as I did when I was trying to work out how to save a bad relationship 3 years ago. It's like word for word...maybe I'll accuse you of plagiarism! [did I spell that right?].

 

I can describe her to you. She can be summed up as a COLD person...which means not necessarily mean, but just closed up, extremely independant, maybe Type-A, non communcative, emotionally distant, and she gives off the sense of being quite unhappy yet doesn't want anyone to help.

 

Well I'll warn you now, I doubt she will ever change no matter what you say. You sound like a sensitive, open-minded guy and I can tell you this woman will drive you nuts if you continue to try and extract information out of her. I think personally she already is, she is providing quite the challenge for you and thats why you think you are in love. If I'm right so far, know that the woman from 3 years ago that I described has not changed a single bit. I don't love her anymore and rarely spend time with her (she works in the same building), but when I see her I can see she has not changed. She still seems to be quite closed and has the same habits and neuroses. I used to think if I took the pressure off her that she would come around (in reference to So, I think I've gotta play my cards carefully, not bug her too much, but on the same note continue reassuring her). Well, I've long moved on, have a new gf and she still is in her own little world. She rarely bothers to seek me out, and then it's only for smalkl talk really.

 

I'd take Tonys advice and have a clear conversation with her. I think you would have already have had several such conversations already.

 

For the sake of your health and love life, let her know your wishes and if she does not respind move on.

 

Best Wishes

 

Oliver

[ACE123]

I'd take Tonys advice and have a clear conversation with her. I think you would have already have had several such conversations already.

For the sake of your health and love life, let her know your wishes and if she does not respind move on.

 

You are right, we've had 2 (in total) conversations about this, and what you suggest is definately what I WILL be doing... however, considering she is under enough stress to give her an ulcer, I'm thinking now is not a good time! LOL!

 

But you are right, I'm not so sure anymore if this little roller coaster ride is what I need in my life right now.

On that same note, this gal is definately worth my time, understanding and patience.

I'm a fairly good judge of character, but am having trouble understanding why she would not trust me enough to confide in me, considering I have done nothing to prove otherwise.

 

Anyway, I plan on giving it the 'ol college try and hopfully she'll respond in a more open way.

If it don't work....well, I guess I'll deal with that if it comes to it.

 

And if it comes to it..... EXPECT MORE POSTS!!

 

LOL~!

[Dragonflys]

but am having trouble understanding why she would not trust me enough to confide in me, considering I have done nothing to prove otherwise.

 

It's not a trust issue, I'd suspect it is just not in her nature to do so. You'll find out in time. You'll be mister exemplary, mister understanding, mister loving, mister patient..and it won't make one heck of a difference. You'll see. You'll need Advil soon.

 

With regards to her stress, I think it is not healthy that she is not willing to discuss the reasons with you given that she would clearly be able to see it is impacting the relationship. I would guess (and I may be wrong) that the stress is self created and a response to being with the wrong person for her - i.e. an excuse to be emotionally distant. Hey, but don't sweat it man, I agree with Tony, you seem a swell guy and you'll have no problems finding someone who won't drive you nuts like she is. But I've been there, I've posted all those posts, and it still took a damn long time to get it through my thick skull that the love was an illusion, and that all the anxiety I created was my own doing.

 

I'll close by saying that I don't don't blame her for her behaviour. She is being herself. I'm a little annoyed that she is keeping you there, but maybe she just likes the company. You guys seem very incompatible.

 

Oliver

[ACE123]

Hey all.

Well, after 6 months, tonight, the gal I mentioned in this post broke up with me.

 

I suppose I saw the signs, which would probably explain why I'm not all torn up about this, and actually I'm thinking things will finally be ok.

 

She told me that I "was too young" and she was "too old" but really I think it was inevitable anyway.

Well, by nescessity, we will be remaining friends, after all, we do work together, and I know we are both mature enough to resume the friendship we had for a full year before we started dating, although I think we both know to some extent that we will really never be able to tread that same ground again...somehow it'll be too different.

 

Anyhow, I just wanted to say thanks to all who replied to my posts, your advise is greatly appreciated.

 

Who knows, maybe you'll be seeing more post's from me in the "Breaking Up" section! LOL!

Nah, really I don't think so!

Well, I suppose all's well that ends well, and now I can carry on with life, learning how to be a single guy again.

Besides we both had some great times over the last 6 months, and both of us agree that we've never dated anyone like each other, (that's in a good way BTW) it just wasn't meant to happen, I guess.

Shame tho, I wonder what it would have been like if things were different somehow?

 

Oh well, no point dwelling on the past.

I'm sure we can continue to be good friends, I know we are both willing to give it our best.

 

Thanks again to all who replied!

 

Cheers!

ACE123

[Ally Boo]

I'm sorry, Dave. I know how much she meant to you. Hopefully, you two will be able to transfer the care you have for each other into a friendship.

[ACE123]

I guess it's not over yet.

(oh great, I can hear the moans and groans from all of you now!)

Anyhow, I won't bore you with the details, but it would appear that things are not quite finished in the saga of ACE123 and his Crazy Gal.

We talked, and talked and talked tonight...constructively too.

 

There's a lot of work ahead of us, but we've both mutually decided that we (as a couple) are worth it.

Hopefully, with some time, a little compromise and some patience from both of us, things should be okay.

 

But we'll see, the road ahead is definately going to be a little longer, and a little rockier than I ever thought it would be.

 

Maybe this was the wake up call we both needed to get this relationship on the right track.

 

So, for now.....To Be Continued!

 

Cheers!

ACE123