hope4best Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I posted a very brief overview of my situation somewhere, and there is a lot more to it so here I go again: My husband and I have know each other for 5 years, married three, we are in are mid to late 30's. We both had the same hopes and dreams for the future, at some point, we both became busy and started to grow apart. We spent less time together, there was less touching, and I felt very alone. He has his own biz, and it has been growing fast, he has asked me repeatedly to come help him run it. I am an independant contractor and my biz has been hard to keep alive, it was my dream job and I wanted to give it eveything I have. We have had a lot of money issues, and I did not want to give up my career. I started looking for part time work about 7 months ago (just found something last week) so I could help more. Turns out I love the new job, and am glad to be free of the stress, I am going to give my biz up and just finish my existing clients, so I will not have any more 70 hour weeks. Unfortunately, we seperated last month. We were in the middle of an argument, and he told me he never wanted to have kids. I was shocked and very hurt since this was something we always taked about, I was upset, panicked and told him that this was a deal breaker and that I can't give that up. I told him I wanted out so I could have kids someday. Not unreasonable, but not a very good way to handle things at all. Since we have been apart, I have done a lot of soul searching. I picture my life with a family and someone else, and then with him and no children, and I would rather have him. I love him very much, the dreams of our future with children were exactly that OUR dreams. We have had a lot of tough times and have split once before for a few weeks. I very much want to work things out, I believe in marriage and our vows. I know I should have thought about it before I spoke, I was upset and irrational and did not handle things well. We are going to meet on Monday to talk, he said he has pretty much made up his mind on things but has agreed to meet with me. I asked him to keep an open mind and not close the door on us yet, he agreed to keep an open mind. We are both hurting, not sleeping well or eating, and very stressed out. So here is what I want to try, and I am hoping he will be open to. Now that I will be giving up my day job, and will finally be making money, I will be able to contribute much more to the finances, I will also have MUCH more free time. I can help him at his biz, which would ease a lot of his stress and I would be able to spend more time with him which is one of the things I have wanted most. I have done a lot of reading about how to get reconnected and the intimacy, if I say more kind things, give more support and let him know how proud I am of his accomplishments (something I have not done), If I make a point of telling him I love him, and trying to be involved in his life, complement him, touch his hand when he walks by, let him know how I feel and do the things I used to do, that he will begin to do the same. I do not know if he would be open to counsiling, I am not even sure if he will be open to this. All I do know is that I want to try again, I love him and I know he still loves me. We are both hurting right now, and he may decide he just does not want to do it anymore. I am looking for your thoughts on this. Do you think it could help us, do you think he will even be willing to try? Is there anything else I can do to let him know I am willing to give this everything I have? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope4best Posted July 28, 2007 Author Share Posted July 28, 2007 I also left out the fact that I don't pretend to have all the answers. I know this would not magically fix all our problems, but I think it could be a start to taking away some of the hurt and stress that have been factors in our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I don't know your personal situation as regards to children, but I have been married for 5 years and this has always been an issue with us (he wants kids, I don't). It is very hard when your H/W wants something really bad and you can't give it to them, it makes you (meaning your husband feel as if they are cheating you out of life) My husband and I have went to counseling over this, and he too said he would choose me over children any day, but every time we are at a party or kids are around it seems like he is rubbing it in his face that I will not give him children (which he is not doing, just in my head) and kids are life altering; if your marriage is not strong now, it will NEVER survive a child. I once read an article; it stated that no matter how well you get along with someone, there are 5 things you MUST agree on for marriage to work..I can only remember two right now and one was Children....It is a BIG deal not to agree on that Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope4best Posted July 28, 2007 Author Share Posted July 28, 2007 I know it is a big deal, I have not taken this lightly, and you are right that our marriage is not stong enough. I am willing to give up something that I only wanted with him, for him. Our marriage and what we have (even now that things are not so good) is far more important to me. I don't want to give that up, and keep praying that he feels the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope4best Posted July 29, 2007 Author Share Posted July 29, 2007 Do you ever wonder just how much you can take at one time? A friend of mine committed suicide tonight, we had services for another friend (his best friend) last weekend. I feel like I am in shock, numb, confused. He was so hurt at the loss of our friend. I just can't handle this. It is to painfull. Link to post Share on other sites
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