Truly Disappointed

[Cliche]

This forum has been such a huge help to me over the past half a year. Without the wisdom and true concern of the people here, both BS' and OPs, I would have had a much more difficult time than I did. There are so many of you I'd like to thank for your kindness and insight on all sides.

 

Which is why I am so disappointed at the tone of this forum right now. Yes, it is a public forum. Yes, everyone has a right to speak their mind. But this is a forum for support for OW and OM. I am really sorry for everything the BS' have gone through, but we are not screwing your spouses and it is not right to make us the objects of your anger. Be angry at the right person, please, your spouse or your particular OP.

 

OW/OM go through emotional turmoil, too. I don't care whose pain is greater or who is more of a victim. Bottom line, we, the OWs/OMs need each other. And frankly, when this forum gets the way it is now, with a few bitter individuals coming here to take out their rage on strangers, the OW/OMs go into hiding, not coming out until it is "safe" again, and the support part of this forum ceases to exist.

 

I truly appreciate the pov of BS'. I think that is true for most of us here. But right now, there's too much running roughshod over the people this forum was created for in an effort to make sure that you guys get your point across that you have it worse off than us. Hey, I'll give you that. But please, if you need to OW/OM bash, go do it in your infidelity forum. I promise I won't go in there and disturb you.

 

Anyway, I know this call for reason has went out before, but I feel I need to point this out again. Thanks.

[BurriedAlive]

I have been thinking the same thing, Cliche! I have been noticing that it seems that some of the BSs that come over to this forum are begging for us OWs to admit that our MMs never loved us!!!! Don't get me wrong, if they want to say this kind of stuff, they should stay on their own forum. I personally don't post over there because it's not my turf. And I do appreciate those BSs that respectfully post here and offer helpful advice just as I would do for them.

 

We should all remember that as OWs and BSs, we are all victims and when posting on the other side's forum we should be respectful of this.

[tinktronik]

I SOOO feel the same way , If thay got off the PC and took some time out for there H/W in the 1st place than they wouldn't need to run around and point fingers ! because MM/MW wouldn't need to look for someone else.

Down girl... No need to point your own fingers with nastiness. This thread has been done to death and as it keeps getting pointed out if you ask the BS to come here with threads like these you can't very well tell them to go away in the other posts. You are drawing them here with posts like these very ones.

If you both just stay out of each others forums or keep your advice strictly to advice things will run smoothly.

[Tomcat33]

Down girl... No need to point your own fingers with nastiness. This thread has been done to death and as it keeps getting pointed out if you ask the BS to come here with threads like these you can't very well tell them to go away in the other posts. You are drawing them here with posts like these very ones.

If you both just stay out of each others forums or keep your advice strictly to advice things will run smoothly.

 

Oh PLEEEASE people are calling them over here with a thread like this no more than the OP called their spouses to cheat on them. but seeing as the general mental state of a BS is continual state of denial I would not expect understanding.

 

Cliche is right it's out of control some of tha nasty people who troll this forum. I read the posts in the Infidlity forum almost daily I NEVER see the amount of animosity as is seen on this side. Seriously I agree with Dollface "Those people need to Get a life and stop ruining something that is very good for most of us.

[tinktronik]

Oh PLEEEASE people are calling them over here with a thread like this no more than the OP called their spouses to cheat on them. but seeing as the general mental state of a BS is continual state of denial I would not expect understanding.

 

Cliche is right it's out of control some of tha nasty people who troll this forum. I read the posts in the Infidlity forum almost daily I NEVER see the amount of animosity as is seen on this side. Seriously I agree with Dollface "Those people need to Get a life and stop ruining something that is very good for most of us.

My point was that a thread like this one asks a direct question of the bs , thus how would they anwser the ? without comming here?

I was not saying in any form that you are asking for it .

But threads like these just keep the differences going.

Ort is this perhaps just another thread for the OW/OM to gang up and discuss those nasty BS?

[Tomcat33]

My point was that a thread like this one asks a direct question of the bs , thus how would they anwser the ? without comming here?

I was not saying in any form that you are asking for it .

But threads like these just keep the differences going.

Ort is this perhaps just another thread for the OW/OM to gang up and discuss those nasty BS?

 

Threads like these I think point out the obvious. Everytime a thread like this is initiated it is someone's patience meter filled to capacity. If you are on this forum for constructive help to improve your situation you don't want to have to sift through a bunch of nasty posts that are just there to further hurt a person's self esteem why should you endure that?. No one is a saying we are victims here but on the same token no one is a punching bag either, and when threads like these get started it is just the members of this side of the fence saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, play fair or GO AWAY.

 

And I agree.

[Cliche]

ITA, Tomcat.

 

I also think the BS' need to keep in mind that WE ARE NOT THE ONES SLEEPING WITH THEIR HUSBANDS. Someone else is. Please, if you must be angry, be angry with the appropriate people, not those who come here truly looking for help, honesty and a shoulder to cry on.

 

And no, "tough love" is not help. It is a way for people to voice their judgment passively instead of actively.

[whichwayisup]

Why not just stick to helping those who need advice, instead of many people starting threads like these? All it does is piss people off, make them react and say things which pisses others off and then more reaction.

 

TC you're right, and everyone at times gets sucked in, myself included. Maybe it's time to stop starting these threads, both in this forum and the infidelity forum and give advice to those who need it and accept that everyone has different points of view. Some good, some not so good, some fair, some harsh. Just like real life.

 

All comes down to respect and for the past xx amount of months, respect doesn't seem like it exists. Online and offline IRL in general.

[tinktronik]

Threads like these I think point out the obvious. Everytime a thread like this is initiated it is someone's patience meter filled to capacity. If you are on this forum for constructive help to improve your situation you don't want to have to sift through a bunch of nasty posts that are just there to further hurt a person's self esteem why should you endure that?. No one is a saying we are victims here but on the same token no one is a punching bag either, and when threads like these get started it is just the members of this side of the fence saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, play fair or GO AWAY.

 

And I agree.

That may be the attempt , but surly you can see that it does not get the desired effect. As its been done to death , the result is obvious in every one of the posts of this topic. Im not saying don't do it , however it is just stirring the argument up farther.

It would be a nicer world if we all only had to deal with people that agreed and had the same moral values and ideals as we did , but it is a much more interesting one since we don't. You cannot expcet to have one forum that includes both parties of an issue and not have some spillage into each others space .

Im sorry if the OW is frustrated with the BS standpoint and BS with OW . Its just 2 sides of the same fence. You simply cannot make other who do not share your viewpoint go away even in cyberspace.

[Freedom Now]

Yes, but we all must remember....

 

respect goes both ways.

 

For no one truly knows each poster's individual situation and it is wrong to judge based on assumptions.

 

All OW are not alike.

 

Peace.

 

FN

[whichwayisup]

And no, "tough love" is not help. It is a way for people to voice their judgment passively instead of actively.

 

Tough love and harsh advice is much different than personal attacks and name calling.

 

Sorry, but I DO give tough love and harsh advice, it may piss some off, but the important thing is, I know what I've said has sunk in and I know I've been one of many advice givers who have helped an OW/OM get out of an affair or help stop them from getting into one.

 

I also think the BS' need to keep in mind that WE ARE NOT THE ONES SLEEPING WITH THEIR HUSBANDS.

 

I agree, and the same goes both ways. Many OW bash the BS, and they have to remember that the BS here isn't the MM's wife.

 

Again, just basic common sense and respect can go a long way.

[Cliche]

Sorry, but I DO give tough love and harsh advice, it may piss some off, but the important thing is, I know what I've said has sunk in and I know I've been one of many advice givers who have helped an OW/OM get out of an affair or help stop them from getting into one.

Actually, I don't agree that you give tough love. You give honest advice and assessment...there is nothing "tough" about it. You are the epitome (as well as ifwisheswerehorses), of a BS who offers a differing perspective, with a definite opinion in a helpful manner. There are many others who claim they are providing tough love, but there is no love or concern, only punches.

 

I agree, and the same goes both ways. Many OW bash the BS, and they have to remember that the BS here isn't the MM's wife.

 

Again, just basic common sense and respect can go a long way.

ITA. However, as an example, the BS Horror Story thread did not surmise things about the BS' here. It was about our BS' and our stories, and some BS' decided to project it onto themselves. Really, that is unnecessary.

 

And again, I understand the public nature of this forum, but you rarely see OWs behaving badly to BS' in the infidelity forum. I think the OWs have a right to bitch a little bit about our BS' in this forum without others taking it so personally. It's just not about the people here. It is an honest and helpful (to us) discussion of our lives and situations. We need this place. The BS' don't.

[Cliche]

Why not just stick to helping those who need advice, instead of many people starting threads like these? All it does is piss people off, make them react and say things which pisses others off and then more reaction.

 

Because I think sometimes we all need a reality check. If BS' don't like being asked to lower it a little bit, maybe that should, in itself, be something to think about.

 

Anyway, I don't want to keep this going. I just wanted to point out that the threads recently have been some of the nastiest I've seen since I've been here. And a good 90% of the nastiness is unnecessary.

[tinktronik]

.

 

And again, I understand the public nature of this forum, but you rarely see OWs behaving badly to BS' in the infidelity forum. I think the OWs have a right to bitch a little bit about our BS' in this forum without others taking it so personally. It's just not about the people here. It is an honest and helpful (to us) discussion of our lives and situations. We need this place. The BS' don't.

Im not an OW or a BS . Mostly I posted here because I've seen this topic become a bloodbath and actually heat the forum here up and make it worse instead of better . However I do find it interesting that you posted the above bolded statement and find it to be a very honest statement.

 

There are always people who are going to rock the boat , I have even considered seriously that some of the BS/OW here are the same posters (playing both sides in order to cause trouble) and here simply to make waves. I think we should all try to keep this in mind when deciding to take offense or not.

[Tomcat33]

Tough love and harsh advice is much different than personal attacks and name calling.

 

Sorry, but I DO give tough love and harsh advice, it may piss some off, but the important thing is, I know what I've said has sunk in and I know I've been one of many advice givers who have helped an OW/OM get out of an affair or help stop them from getting into one.

 

That's true sometimes people give advice that someone may not want to hear but that does not mean the person is being malicious, I do respect that. I think what often happens is that one comment that does not sit well generates a snooty response and then it degenarates from there.

 

 

I agree, and the same goes both ways. Many OW bash the BS, and they have to remember that the BS here isn't the MM's wife.

 

I do agree with this, and it's not beacause I am playing favourties but with the exception of a few OP who came on here to make rude uncalled for remarks about how they stole away MM/MW and spoke disgustingly about the BS and that is TOTALLY uncalled for it made me cringe and very angry, what I do see happening is the following. A thread may start on a good path and eventually everyone pipes in they share stories and similar experiences and somewhere down the path someone says something that does not sit well with a BS who is feeling fragile of like it was an attack against them personally and the insulting posting starts...then everyone joins in and before you know it you are down the path of the battle of the sides. Sometimes it happens that an OP doesn't want to hear the counter acting opinion of a BS they just want to vent and be heard. So it is a fine line between when someone is open to opposing views and when they are simply looking to vent and not wanting to debate.

 

We have to try to play fair either way but there are a handful of posters who only pop in to cheer the angry trolling posters on, and another handful who are the angry trolls and that really irks a lot of the people here, rightly so. So the forum turns into a boredom killer "let's stop to look at the trian crash" and less about helping and exchanging opinions.

[whichwayisup]

That's true sometimes people give advice that someone may not want to hear

 

But this is a pubic forum and anyone is allowed to post their thoughts. Public forums are just that.

[Touche]

But this is a pubic forum and anyone is allowed to post their thoughts. Public forums are just that.

 

I agree with that part.

[Cliche]

But this is a pubic forum and anyone is allowed to post their thoughts. Public forums are just that.

It is also a support forum. Not a "I'm angry and need to harangue someone for kicks" forum (not speaking directly to you about that WWIU).

 

Frankly, I think some of the more angry and/or bitter responses say more about the person saying them. But right now this forum is 70% BS and that just sucks, imo, that OWs are probably frightened to look for help because of the overwhelming negative posts right now.

 

And again, I'll point out that it is very rare for OW to go into the infidelity forum...also a public forum...to get their kicks in. I think I've posted in the infidelity forum once, and it was only to offer a word of support to OOD. Actually, now that I think about it, some of the more angry BS' on here, I don't even see them in the infidelity forum often offering support to spouses recently hurt. Yup, says more about them.....

[Cliche]

Oh, WWIU, I think you're referring to this type of behavior, from the stickied post above:

 

"Respectful and helpful" does not mean that you must condone or encourage a poster. It does not mean that you must agree with the poster. We cannot list every conceivable sentence, phrase, or word that a person could post, and declare whether or not it is acceptable. Our rules prohibit personal attacks (see our guidelines for a definition: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/guidelines), but you must also adhere to the larger philosophy of the site, which is to provide support and assistance. If your response is not posted in that spirit, chances are it will be deemed inappropriate.

 

I welcome supportive advice, even if it is not pleasant to hear. But there are at least 3 threads in this forum right now that involve degradation of OWs. That is what I take offense to. And knowing how sensible you are, WWIU, I can't see why you'd defend that type of behavior in this forum, especially when I'm quite sure you wouldn't defend it in other contexts.

 

But, anyway, I'm sure I'm talking to a wall concerning those I'm actually trying to reach out to. I'm not sure what change I expect to occur. It is said over and over and over again this forum...a leopard can't change his spots.

 

I just feel bad for those who need this place and are frightened away.

[Freedom Now]

It is also a support forum. Not a "I'm angry and need to harangue someone for kicks" forum (not speaking directly to you about that WWIU).

 

Frankly, I think some of the more angry and/or bitter responses say more about the person saying them. But right now this forum is 70% BS and that just sucks, imo, that OWs are probably frightened to look for help because of the overwhelming negative posts right now.

 

And again, I'll point out that it is very rare for OW to go into the infidelity forum...also a public forum...to get their kicks in. I think I've posted in the infidelity forum once, and it was only to offer a word of support to OOD. Actually, now that I think about it, some of the more angry BS' on here, I don't even see them in the infidelity forum often offering support to spouses recently hurt. Yup, says more about them.....

 

I'm not scared.

 

I endured my xMM and all the garbage that implies...

 

Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is scarier than that.

[Cliche]

I'm not scared.

 

I endured my xMM and all the garbage that implies...

 

Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is scarier than that.

 

 

Lol! Truth to that, Freedom Now.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

And again, I'll point out that it is very rare for OW to go into the infidelity forum...also a public forum...to get their kicks in.

 

I can say that I have an inbox of PM's from bs's who felt forced into hiding because they feel that their feelings were trampled on in infidelity and the discussions have been moved off board. They will tell you they don't feel safe that their words won't be made fun of or used against them. It's not all OW, just a handfull and some who do frequent are incredibly helpful and empathetic. Infact, I mentioned this issue to WWIU just last week.

 

And you're right about some BS's not posting on infidelity. I think that runs a little deeper though than just being here for kicks. I have posted before that I have problems responding to BS's right at D day as just reading their posts can make me feel physically ill. I do read them and some I am compelled to respond to. Generally, though I don't start responding until they get their pm's and I can do so with out ridicule from other posters.

 

My point is simply that those on infidelity also have to deal with the fact that this is an open forum and unwanted advice and ridicule is often offered to us as well.

[whichwayisup]

Typo's!

 

Question is, would the same judgement and treatment be going on if a person announced their situation in real life, offline, in a room full of people? Would the reactions be the same, words said, would it get as nasty?

 

Just wondering..

 

PS damn typo's!! LOL!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Face to face, in a public situation, no, privately I would tactfully speak my peice.

 

I was in a favorite dance haunt of ours and commented on how cute an older couple was that danced together. The woman says right out loud infront of my H and several friends that she is his mistress. I said nothing, just smiled and said that's nice. Unfortuantely everyone else was bracing themselves. Girl friends drug me to the bathroom! LOL, I'm not going postal!

 

Still see the woman on occasion, last time she told me what an ass her daughter's husband was for fooling around on her, and I smiled and held my tongue! When she left though, the whole table went nuts and told me I looked like my face was going to crack!

 

So, no, personally... honestly, I would keep my mouth shut.

[PoshPrincess]

As if it is always that simple.Maybe if you took some alotted computer time to instead rethink over your life, you wouldn't be making such stupid decisions either. I really think you should wait a couple years for your MM too because apparently you are the only woman dumb enough to be on beckon call and believe he loves you and will leave his life for you. Honestly, he sounded relieved when he said, "hope to find you some day down the road but im sure you'll be taken by then".. lmfao. Sounds like he really had no intention of starting any type of real life with you anytime soon or ever at all.

 

And so the bashing continues..........PinkTights, I also think Dollface's comment was unacceptable and can understand you for retaliating (particularly if you are a BS), but that's where these problems start.

 

I also feel, like Cliche, that there has been far too much nastiness and unncessary b*tching on this forum of late. I myself welcomed advise from the BS as well as OP when I first came here. I didn't mind harsh/tough love, etc.....in fact, it often gave me a reality check which is sometimes what is desperately needed with us OPs! It's not as if I can defend my actions in seeing a MM anyway.

 

I would hope that when replying to a thread on the infidelity site I would be understanding and would give my viewpoint in a kind way (I feel us OPs have less reason to be unnecessarily harsh to the BS!) being fully aware that the BS posting is not the one in my sitch (or so I hope!)

 

If we don't have anything constructive to say, best not to say it at all!

 

JMHO.