Truly Disappointed

[mystic_pizza]

Thank you for reminding people that this is a support forum for OW's/OM's. I have gone into hiding myself. If BS's want to post here, they should respect that this is a forum where the OP's come to vent and get support. I have no problem with them posting, I have a problem with the judgements. You are right, the Infidelity forum is the place for judgements...not here.

 

Kudos to you cliche. You have brought me out of hiding.

[Cliche]

Thank you for reminding people that this is a support forum for OW's/OM's. I have gone into hiding myself. If BS's want to post here, they should respect that this is a forum where the OP's come to vent and get support. I have no problem with them posting, I have a problem with the judgements. You are right, the Infidelity forum is the place for judgements...not here.

 

Kudos to you cliche. You have brought me out of hiding.

 

Thank you, Mystic Pizza. I hope you stay out in the open.

[Lyssa]

Thank you for reminding people that this is a support forum for OW's/OM's. I have gone into hiding myself. If BS's want to post here, they should respect that this is a forum where the OP's come to vent and get support. I have no problem with them posting, I have a problem with the judgements. You are right, the Infidelity forum is the place for judgements...not here.

 

Kudos to you cliche. You have brought me out of hiding.

 

 

I have sort of stopped posting here because of all the bashing I received from BS'.

 

The thing is, sometimes I just need some venting out to do and also some support but wherever I do that, I received all sorts of unwanted messages/comments. I have had enough from other forum (besides LS).

 

I've been reading eversince mostly and just commented on other threads (health, friendship etc) but when I saw your post, I felt I could get out of hiding now. And thanks to you for that!

 

[Cliche]

I have sort of stopped posting here because of all the bashing I received from BS'.

 

The thing is, sometimes I just need some venting out to do and also some support but wherever I do that, I received all sorts of unwanted messages/comments. I have had enough from other forum (besides LS).

 

I've been reading eversince mostly and just commented on other threads (health, friendship etc) but when I saw your post, I felt I could get out of hiding now. And thanks to you for that!

 

 

Lyssa,

I hope you stay out in the open as well. We need this place to be honest, and feel hurt and feel happy. We crave people who will listen to us and understand. This is for us to adjust, vent, heal and move on however we must. When it concerns those BS' who can't respect our right to have each other as a sounding board and who choose to participate in an intrusive manner (please understand I think those are the minority, but it's enough to comment on), they are irrelevant in this forum.

 

I'm glad you're (we're) here.

[bish]

I have been thinking the same thing, Cliche! I have been noticing that it seems that some of the BSs that come over to this forum are begging for us OWs to admit that our MMs never loved us!!!!

 

Not me, I could care less if a MM/MW loves their OW/OM.

I take issue with OM/OW with the attitudes that they are entitled to help themselves to other people's spouses. Yes, the married partner is more to blame, but that doesn't mitigate the OM/OW's responsibility in the matter.

 

We should all remember that as OWs and BSs, we are all victims

 

The OW/OM is only a victim if they were lied to about the marital status from their MM/MW. I can even understand that after finding out that it may be hard to let go.

 

But the OW/OM that go into a R with a MM/MW with full knowledge and don't care who they are helping to hurt in the process are the ones that are in no way, shape, or form....victims.

[bish]

I SOOO feel the same way , If thay got off the PC and took some time out for there H/W in the 1st place than they wouldn't need to run around and point fingers ! because MM/MW wouldn't need to look for someone else.

 

See...this is the entitlement attitude to which I was referring.

[Cliche]

The OW/OM is only a victim if they were lied to about the marital status from their MM/MW. I can even understand that after finding out that it may be hard to let go.

 

But the OW/OM that go into a R with a MM/MW with full knowledge and don't care who they are helping to hurt in the process are the ones that are in no way, shape, or form....victims.

Bish, can I talk to you honestly? If you truly feel this way, then why do you make sure hurtful comments to all OW, painting us all with a wide brush? I'm happy to see that you do understand how difficult these situations can be...not all black and white. Thank you.

 

I've also been meaning to ask you a question. Didn't your W cheat on you before you were married? And then she did it again recently before you guys split? Do I have my facts straight? If so, you must have loved her very much to forgive her that first time. That also seems to imply that you don't always subscribe to the theory that once a cheater, always a cheater. At some point, you believed in her. I would love to hear that tender and human side come out from you more often. I think you have a lot of good insight to offer if you could just one down the rhetoric.

 

Anyway, I am sorry for your pain.

[serial muse]

I've also been meaning to ask you a question. Didn't your W cheat on you before you were married? And then she did it again recently before you guys split? Do I have my facts straight? If so, you must have loved her very much to forgive her that first time. That also seems to imply that you don't always subscribe to the theory that once a cheater, always a cheater. At some point, you believed in her.

 

Hm...if I've got his story straight, I think bish said he didn't know about the earlier cheating until years later, and that discovery was what prompted his current anger/separation/divorce proceedings (?). He also suspected her of cheating during the marriage as well. I think. Guess I should let him tell it though.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa,

I hope you stay out in the open as well. We need this place to be honest, and feel hurt and feel happy. We crave people who will listen to us and understand. This is for us to adjust, vent, heal and move on however we must. When it concerns those BS' who can't respect our right to have each other as a sounding board and who choose to participate in an intrusive manner (please understand I think those are the minority, but it's enough to comment on), they are irrelevant in this forum.

 

I'm glad you're (we're) here.

 

I am glad as well.

 

It's funny though that there are still others who keep coming here and bashing OW/OM. It just doesn't stop does it?

 

I don't go to Infidelity and start screwing BS there. I just don't see the point in doing that because I don't think my MM's W is there and even if she was, I don't think it's any of my business to pass nasty remarks or say anything to prove my point to other BS or her. As far as I am concerned, I'm here to help other OW/OM - any way I can - and to get support from them. I think for once, everyone should be doing there in their respective threads... but again, I just don't see that happening with the way things are... turning out here and other threads.

 

Some people just don't get it... and I clearly don't get people who keep coming back. I have read so many times on other threads that "if you don't like what we have to say, stop coming here!" - but they still keep coming back!!

 

Anyway, I am feeling happy despite the above matter I just mentioned. My SHMM just called and we had a nice talk. It's been a while. Hope things are going well on your side, Cliche. Thanks again!

[GreenEyedLady]

It's funny though that there are still others who keep coming here and bashing OW/OM. It just doesn't stop does it?

 

Some people just don't get it... and I clearly don't get people who keep coming back. I have read so many times on other threads that "if you don't like what we have to say, stop coming here!" - but they still keep coming back!!

 

It won't stop...some people feel like they're on a mission, some people truly want to help, and some are just bullies...

 

I've been here awhile now and the only difference is that there aren't very many OW around anymore...

[Lyssa]

I guess most of OW have gone into hiding.... yet again!

[whichwayisup]

Cliche, Bish's wife cheated on him before they were married, but didn't know until about 6 months ago. He forgave her ... But, less than a month ago, he found out she cheated again recently so he is divorcing her. He's still in the midst of all this, sorting stuff out...They have kids...

[Cliche]

Anyway, I am feeling happy despite the above matter I just mentioned. My SHMM just called and we had a nice talk. It's been a while. Hope things are going well on your side, Cliche. Thanks again!

Thanks, Lyssa.

 

I'm glad to hear you had a nice talk and you're feeling happy. Please share your goings on if you find it helpful. I'd love to hear. And thanks for the kind thoughts.

 

Things are progressing with me, as well. I struggled with some strange feelings when I found out that MM's W was leaving. Funny, I always thought he would leave her or I would leave him. I never considered her making the final call. Anyway, after the news, I had to decide what I wanted and why, and now I'm trying to let all the rest just drop away.

 

MM and I are closer than ever. We have had some very deep conversations about our entire yearlong relationship, including discussions on his dishonesty and my emotional and, unfortunately sometimes irrational behavior. We've admitted our mistakes, and reacknowledged our love and desire to continue in what we both hope is a long and lasting relationship. Most of our talks now involve detailed discussions about our future together.

 

I offered him space, but he didn't want it. He was in a state for the first week or so after he got the news, but he is now almost excited about moving on. I told him many times over the past half year that when he finally ended his marriage, he'd find that he'd be motivated to make positive changes in all the other areas of his life because he wouldn't be stuck in inertia anymore. He is finding out that I was right, and he has a drive in his personal life that I haven't seen before and it's simply beautiful to watch. Almost like a budding flower opening. I suspect his W is going to go through the same thing once she makes the final move. Apparently, now, she is just focused on all the details of packing up, selling a house and going. There seems to be not a lot of pain, just some sadness at an ending.

 

I've asked MM how much the knowledge of me contributed to this. He said that, as he's told me all along, this marriage has been over for years. And that there is enough respect of the situation and love where she wants him to be happy, and he feels the same way for her, and they've known for some time their happiness is not in staying together.

 

Frankly, I think that they were just in a pattern, not enjoyable but not uncomfortable enough, until she realized that he had moved on, and he was no longer there for her on any level. I think she just finally realized how over it was when I entered the picture and that gave her the final push she needed. I think MM thought it was easier for him to move on with me and completely away from her, and let her make this final choice instead of him demanding the move before she was ready (apparently it was always known that when they ended, she was making a big move). It may have been the cowardly thing for him to do or it may have been the smart thing since it appears now their divorce is going to be amicable. I could be all wrong with this, but that's the sense I get.

 

Overall, it's just nice at this moment. I'm not a fool. I realize that we may still not make it together. But I am 100% sure that neither he nor his W are going to seek to keep the marriage together. That part is over. It feels over. Hopefully, the fact that it was there in the first place doesn't cause lasting damage. To be true to my name, cliche, only time will tell....

[bish]

Bish, can I talk to you honestly? If you truly feel this way, then why do you make sure hurtful comments to all OW

 

I don't. If you would read my posts I don't talk this way to the OW who have been lied to. I don't even talk that way to the OW that have been lied to, then found out and still have a hard time breaking it off.

 

Its the ones that don't give a crap who they hurt.

 

, painting us all with a wide brush? I'm happy to see that you do understand how difficult these situations can be...not all black and white. Thank you.

 

I've also been meaning to ask you a question. Didn't your W cheat on you before you were married?

 

When we had our problems it was because I found out she cheated while we were engaged. I didn't find out until years into the marriage. After that I had my suspicions that she cheated during marriage. And then I found out for sure, and told her to get out.

 

And then she did it again recently before you guys split? Do I have my facts straight?

 

Pretty much, but she also did it in between the time my 1st and 2nd child were born. And luckily, I did a DNA test and they are both mine. So that at least is a relief.

 

If so, you must have loved her very much to forgive her that first time. That also seems to imply that you don't always subscribe to the theory that once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

No, I subscribed to it even when I found out she cheated during our engagement. Because by that time we were already married and had 2 kids, so it was a little more complicated. But after I found out, I was constantly suspicious and rightfully so when I found out all the other things.

 

At some point, you believed in her.

 

Yes, before I had knowledge she was a cheater.

 

I would love to hear that tender and human side come out from you more often. I think you have a lot of good insight to offer if you could just one down the rhetoric.

 

Well I know it dammit...but some of these OW/OM and people on these boards that cheat just get me, and I'm sure other people, so pissed off with their entitlement attitude....always blaming someone else for their lousy cheating ways, justifying sleeping with other people's spouses...its kind of hard not to call them out on their less than decent behavior.

 

Anyway, I am sorry for your pain.

 

Its gone. I'm now looking forward to being single and STAYING single.

[bish]

Hm...if I've got his story straight, I think bish said he didn't know about the earlier cheating until years later, and that discovery was what prompted his current anger/separation/divorce proceedings (?). He also suspected her of cheating during the marriage as well. I think. Guess I should let him tell it though.

 

Yes, I didn't find out til years later of her cheating BEFORE marriage(during engagement), which to me is just as bad. Why the hell did she marry me?

 

Anyway, it was the recent discovery, in the last 3 to 4 weeks, of her cheating DURING marriage that got her kicked out and divorce being in the works.

[Tomcat33]

Why the hell did she marry me?

 

.

 

She loved the idea of being married, sort of like a quota to fill. Some women dream of the wedding day all their lives to the point where it doesn't really matter who the paper cut out figure is that plays the groom will be, the goal is to get married.

 

It's disgusting but it happens.

 

Marriage represents so many different things for different people.

[East of Jupiter]

I am interested and welcome all sides and find value in every exchange. Even the nasties.

 

But I agree that OW really don't have a place to post honestly without garnering harsh responses. That has been a problem in every forum I have ever participated or hosted.

 

I have also seen OW come back a year later and thank some of the BW's for their honesty and vice versa.

 

You live and learn. Or so is the hope.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I am interested and welcome all sides and find value in every exchange. Even the nasties.

 

But I agree that OW really don't have a place to post honestly without garnering harsh responses. That has been a problem in every forum I have ever participated or hosted.

 

I have also seen OW come back a year later and thank some of the BW's for their honesty and vice versa.

 

You live and learn. Or so is the hope.

 

Actually, there are closed forums for OW. LS chooses to remain open for whatever reason. Many OW who post here, also post or have posted on these closed forums. I'm not questioning their choosing of LS as a home as there are also infidelity forums that are not ridden with the views of OP but I choose here. Mostly though because the others don't have the traffic that LS does and also because I have "friends" here.

[East of Jupiter]

Actually, there are closed forums for OW. LS chooses to remain open for whatever reason. Many OW who post here, also post or have posted on these closed forums. I'm not questioning their choosing of LS as a home as there are also infidelity forums that are not ridden with the views of OP but I choose here. Mostly though because the others don't have the traffic that LS does and also because I have "friends" here.

 

I belong to other close forums as well and they include BS and OW. I like the more open forum because I get to hear different advice, opinions and stories that I would otherwise not hear about. I no longer see myself as either but a survivor of both. But I still struggle with my personal situation.

 

I'm getting ready to post for advice and I do welcome the OW's thoughts and opinions.

[bish]

She loved the idea of being married, sort of like a quota to fill. Some women dream of the wedding day all their lives to the point where it doesn't really matter who the paper cut out figure is that plays the groom will be, the goal is to get married.

 

It's disgusting but it happens.

 

Marriage represents so many different things for different people.

 

Well, she'll probably marry this other guy. And she'll be sorry. He beat his last wife....it'll only be a matter of time before he beats her as well when she starts jumping his shi!t about trivial little things.

[Cliche]

Thanks for sharing your story with me, Bish. I am sorry. (((hugs)))

 

Yes, I didn't find out til years later of her cheating BEFORE marriage(during engagement), which to me is just as bad. Why the hell did she marry me?

Because she's obviously a damaged person, but maybe she thought with you she could change, but her problems were just too deep? Maybe she just like the idea of being a wife, but didn't like the reality of committment? I don't know.

[FireandIce]

I don't post in here very often and I try to stay on topic and not bash. I come in this section to get some insight on how the OW think, how the A start, etc to see how it relates to my own situation. There are a few posters here that bother me with the way they respond to some posts but you get that in every forum and I just tend to ignore them.

 

When I posted my story there were one or two people from the OW forum who responded to me. They were both decent from what I remember and I welcomed their insight.

 

Typo's!

 

Question is, would the same judgement and treatment be going on if a person announced their situation in real life, offline, in a room full of people? Would the reactions be the same, words said, would it get as nasty?

 

Just wondering..

 

PS damn typo's!! LOL!

 

I can honestly say yes, my reaction would be the same. The only reason I know that is because we recently went camping with a group of friends and one couple joined us (the guy was a co-worker of one of our friends). They just seemed like any normal couple and I assumed they were married since they were talking about children and stuff. I asked her how long they have been married and she replied (not one word of a lie) "oh we're not married. I'm the other woman" then laughed. I was shocked as were the friends that were with us (aside from the ones that actually knew these people). Well I'm not one to bite my tongue too much so I asked her if he was still with his wife and she said no, they had split up a few months ago when she found out about the A. I said (in the same matter of fact way that she responded to me) "well good for her" with a nice smile. The OW then started saying how awful the W was, blah, blah, blah and I just laughed and shook my head. I told her that she has no idea if anything he told her is true since she was not there, behind closed doors, during their relationship. "Well whatever makes you happy. Are you two living together now?" was what I asked (yeah, if she's going to open up about being the OW then I'm going to ask questions...lol). "Oh no, we're taking things slow". LMAO! "So sleeping with him while he was still married was slow? Sorry but I just find it funny. But like I said, whatever works for you guys, who am I to judge?". And we left it at that. Needless to say I didn't spend much time talking to her after that and honestly, I didn't care. If she is willing to open up and brag about being the OW then she needs to know that not everyone is going to cheer and tell her "oh good for you guys..." blah, blah, blah.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

F&I,

 

The OW I posted about meeting above actually said that his wife was on steriods (for an illness) and swole up like a whale, while laughing. I bit my tongue, mainly because my very dear departed mother used to prophecize that my mouth would get me killed. I can hear it as well as I can her saying, "honey where ARE your lips?" and " PLEASE do something with that hump in your back!". Some times it's just better to let crazy people lie! Plus it was a treat to see the people around me competely freaking!

[WantingLove2]

I don't think it's right for people to bash people trying to get support.

 

I wouldn't go into a forum to bash other people.

IT's all about knowing where you can feel comfortable to talk to people in the same situation.

 

I agree, not all situations are the same. We're all different and here because of one reason .. as different as they are.

 

My only goal coming here was to see if anyone else could relate to my situation.

 

I seen people bashing other people and it's not right.

 

If this forum isn't something you're experiencing, then you should venture into the forums that are!!

[mystic_pizza]

Thank you, Mystic Pizza. I hope you stay out in the open.

 

Thanks Cliche, I will certainly try. I see many posting that it's a public forum and it is nice to get a glimpse of the other side once in a while, but I have been to other public forums and there is no OP bashing in the OW/OM support forum. It is not tolerated. Well, okay, there is the occasional bash thread, but it is nipped in the bud immediately and everyone ends up respecting the rules of the forum, OP's and BS's alike.

 

I guess every forum has it's own "personality" so-to-speak and this one is not like any of the others I have seen out there. After reading through many of the posts here I decided to stay in lurker mode...that is until I saw this thread!