Truly Disappointed

[mystic_pizza]

I have sort of stopped posting here because of all the bashing I received from BS'.

 

The thing is, sometimes I just need some venting out to do and also some support but wherever I do that, I received all sorts of unwanted messages/comments. I have had enough from other forum (besides LS).

 

I've been reading eversince mostly and just commented on other threads (health, friendship etc) but when I saw your post, I felt I could get out of hiding now. And thanks to you for that!

 

 

Greetings lyssa! Exactly! Sometimes you just want to vent or seek advice and it's tough to sift through the unwanted messages. Some of them are very judgemental. Sheeesh...it makes you sorry you posted. Oh well, I am willing to give it another whirl.

[Lyssa]

Thanks, Lyssa.

 

I'm glad to hear you had a nice talk and you're feeling happy. Please share your goings on if you find it helpful. I'd love to hear. And thanks for the kind thoughts

 

Thanks for sharing with me. I do think it'd be helpful to me and would like to share my stories but right now, I'm at work! So will write when I get home!

 

Take care!

[Lyssa]

Greetings lyssa! Exactly! Sometimes you just want to vent or seek advice and it's tough to sift through the unwanted messages. Some of them are very judgemental. Sheeesh...it makes you sorry you posted. Oh well, I am willing to give it another whirl.

 

Hello there, Mystic Pizza! That is so true - you just need a place to vent and when you do find that place, you don't feel like venting out anymore because you read all the other comments (the bashing and stuff) and it just turns you off. Well, for me anyway. And funny thing is, it's not even in the topic! It's hard enough what we're going through without them having to make it even worse!

 

Just like Cliche, I hope you'll stay in the open as so will I!

[Lyssa]

I'm happy to know that things are progressing with you and MM. I can relate to a lot of things that you have written about.

 

This relationship that I have with MM has only been about 8 months. I know it's still very new but I can't believe the things/emotions I had gone through for the past 8 months. The last few weeks have been the worst! Only because we didn't get to spend as much time as we used to so it was very frustrating for both sides but things are better now that we're less busy with work etc. I'm emotional when it comes to the person I love (I think almost all women are) and unfortunately for him, I can be very difficult as well. I have my mood swings and I am thankful that he knows how to handle me. None of the guys I was with previously, could handle me. So that makes MM extra special.

 

For now, I love what we have. I so want something more, for sure but I am not going to rush it. People might think I am naive, and frankly speaking, I don't give two hoots if they did but I like the fact that he doesn't make any promises to me and neither do I to him. Yes, we love one another but we also realise that a lot of things need to be taken into account before we make any move. For me, that's the way we want to make it work for us both.

 

Sometimes I do feel like ending it. In fact, like you - I offered him space, time out but he didn't want to have some space etc. He said, without having me around, it makes him a horrible person. Or at least, he feels horrible/miserable.

 

There was this one time, I fell asleep and had put my cellphone to 'silent mode' and he called me 2 times from the office. Twice from the phone booth and still I didn't answer any of his calls. I was fast asleep *smile*. When I woke up the next morning, I had 4 missed calls and 4 smses. All from him. When I managed to get him, he said he felt so miserable because he thought I have decided to leave him without saying anything. He got home and didn't even want to spend time with his kids. That wasn't the case at all, I told him. I just fell asleep. LOL. But with what happened, it made me realised that I do mean a lot to him. If being with me, makes him a better person - why should I leave? I know for sure, I am a better person being with him. More patient that I have ever been, more of everything.

 

And so much more that I have to say about MM and I, you have said it. His marriage has changed over the years (I am really sure about this because his wife vouched for that - long story and I got bashed badly on this - people just don't understand my situation!!) and maybe it takes someone else to make him make the move? Me, maybe? *smile*. I'm not saying that I will ask him to leave his wife, I won't do that. I just won't. I just don't beg for a man to be with me. No matter how much in love I am with him.

 

Like you, I am not a fool. At least I would like to think so! Anything can happen. We might end up together, we might not. All I know is for now, I love what we have and I'm happy. Deliriously.

 

And yes, I agree - only time will tell!

[East of Jupiter]

I'm happy to know that things are progressing with you and MM. I can relate to a lot of things that you have written about.

 

 

There was this one time, I fell asleep and had put my cellphone to 'silent mode' and he called me 2 times from the office. Twice from the phone booth and still I didn't answer any of his calls. I was fast asleep *smile*. When I woke up the next morning, I had 4 missed calls and 4 smses. All from him. When I managed to get him, he said he felt so miserable because he thought I have decided to leave him without saying anything. He got home and didn't even want to spend time with his kids. That wasn't the case at all, I told him. I just fell asleep. LOL. But with what happened, it made me realised that I do mean a lot to him. If being with me, makes him a better person - why should I leave? I know for sure, I am a better person being with him. More patient that I have ever been, more of everything.

 

And yes, I agree - only time will tell!

 

<sigh>

 

His kids. Not his wife. HIS KIDS!

 

How cruel he is.

[Lyssa]

My being with him, makes him happy. Hence he spends time with his kids.

[Lyssa]

<sigh>

 

His kids. Not his wife. HIS KIDS!

 

How cruel he is.

 

I know I don't have to explain anything, esp to you but I just feel the need to point this out - he isn't cruel. It was just that one evening that he was very upset, he couldn't be around anyone. He may not be a great husband but a great father, he is.

[bish]

I don't think it's right for people to bash people trying to get support.

 

Thats the part nobody seems to get.

 

Example. If an OW/OM comes into a forum and was lied to by their MM/MW and looks for support to break it off. Then great! I support them in their efforts.

 

I can even understand when they are lied to by the MM/MW and find it difficult to break it off because they are now deep into it. I can sympathize.

 

But when someone comes into a forum and KNOWS they are bedding down someone elses spouse and doesn't intend on doing the right thing and doesn't care who they hurt....then you better believe I have no sympathy for such an individual and will call it like I see it...with no sugarcoating whatsoever.

Its people like that who aren't really looking for support for anything but how to keep the affair going or wanting people to coddle them because its all about them and not what they are doing to a marriage or family.

Then you really can't say they are looking for support....just want to complain how unfair things are to them.

 

You make your bed, you lie in it.

[bish]

I know I don't have to explain anything, esp to you but I just feel the need to point this out - he isn't cruel. It was just that one evening that he was very upset, he couldn't be around anyone. He may not be a great husband but a great father, he is.

 

If he was a great father he'd work on the marriage for the families sake rather than screwing other women.

[East of Jupiter]

My being with him, makes him happy. Hence he spends time with his kids.

 

My point is that his kids have nothing to do with your affair. Whether he is with you happy or not, this should not affect how he feels towards his children.

 

I know you are totally infatuated with this man at this time and it may be difficult for you to see the immaturity of his actions.

 

I also know that I may as well be spitting in the wind but eventually you are going to have your day with reality and I also know that while you reject anything that which doesn't agree with your situation, the fact you are reading means it is still getting stored in your brain.

 

Suppose he does leave his wife and you make a home together. This is a man who may treat you or yours according to his moods rather than how you deserve.

 

Or do you think that he will be different with you? He will change because of you?

 

My mother gave me great advice all of my life. One of them is to watch how people treat those who love them. That is exactly how they will treat you eventually.

 

It's hard to see this as a BW but as an OW you are getting a front row view of his actions after the "lust" is gone.

[East of Jupiter]

If he was a great father he'd work on the marriage for the families sake rather than screwing other women.

 

 

That is a BW point of view. And I dont' want to be unfair. I don't think all people in affairs are bad parents or neglectful. Yes, they risk their children being hurt by a divorce. And they also risk questioning their cheating parent's love if they find out. Whether true or fair, most children do question this.

 

And I will further correct myself in saying that the OM in this situation in my opinion was being cruel as described but I don't know the man nor his situation enough to say he is a cruel person.

[Cliche]

Number one: We are talking about the current state of our relationships, not asking for advice, so why the unwanted nasty comments? Please leave them for when we're hurting and asking for help, when it's much more useful to kick us when we're down.

 

 

Number two: Perhaps there are superparents on here, but not everyone is able to put human nature on hold to be Perfect Mommy or Perfect Daddy. When I am upset or stressed, I too have a hard time spending a lot of time with my children. I will admit that the times when I feel really stressed out, I am thankful there is a t.v. or video game to keep them engaged for an hour or so. I hardly think I'm alone in that. And again, it has nothing to do with anyone's relationship status. It just is.

[East of Jupiter]

Number one: We are talking about the current state of our relationships, not asking for advice, so why the unwanted nasty comments? Please leave them for when we're hurting and asking for help, when it's much more useful to kick us when we're down.

 

 

Number two: Perhaps there are superparents on here, but not everyone is able to put human nature on hold to be Perfect Mommy or Perfect Daddy. When I am upset or stressed, I too have a hard time spending a lot of time with my children. I will admit that the times when I feel really stressed out, I am thankful there is a t.v. or video game to keep them engaged for an hour or so. I hardly think I'm alone in that. And again, it has nothing to do with anyone's relationship status. It just is.

 

Raising hand. This would include me.

 

But it should be alright to speak honestly about the fact of affairs as we personally see them.

 

The source does not negate a truth.

[Tomcat33]

But when someone comes into a forum and KNOWS they are bedding down someone elses spouse and doesn't intend on doing the right thing and doesn't care who they hurt....then you better believe I have no sympathy for such an individual and will call it like I see it...with no sugarcoating whatsoever.

Its people like that who aren't really looking for support for anything but how to keep the affair going or wanting people to coddle them because its all about them and not what they are doing to a marriage or family.

Then you really can't say they are looking for support....just want to complain how unfair things are to them.

 

You make your bed, you lie in it.

 

Bish I can see what you are saying, it is most definitely easier given the amount of pain you carry with you to sympathise with a repenting wrong doer than those who thrive from it. However, just because someone has not decided to call their A rel quits, does not mean they many not be contemplating it, or reaching out to see how other people dealt with it before they bite the bullet themselves and make a change to do what is right for all involved.

 

Let's face it if something brought us all to this site, one way or another for the most part and of course not everyone, but for the most part it was some sort of pain we were experiencing that brought us here. Now if someone chooses to hide the pain or even pretend like there is no pain, or could very well not be feeling any pain, that's not for us to determine if it's right or wrong this side of the forum welcomes all those people. I know that some peeple's choices are deemed as wrong but who are we to decide what is right for their life HERE? Again it's OUR judgment call to be in an environment where we might hear things we don't want to hear, and it's not up to those people to regulate the things/feeling they expose about lives for us, it is up to us to regulate our emotional reactions to their situations.

 

This particular environment is for people involved with a person who is already in a rel. No where does it state that is it for people who have terminated their As and want to discuss. So if we are going to enter this realm, we have to accept that just because we may not agree with As and what they do to people, the people here could very well be in the midst of it having no desire to end things. It should not come to you or anyone of us as a surprise what kinds of situations are here and feelings/decisions posted here are going to run the gambit.

 

Can you kind of see that?

[Tomcat33]

But it should be alright to speak honestly about the fact of affairs as we personally see them.

 

 

 

Yeah but speaking honestly often means playing a broken record that quite frankly a lot of people are just sick and tired of hearing. People aren't stupid EOJ we may have made stupid choices at any given point, but we get the rights from wrong. I don't think there is anyone on this forum who does NOT know what is right and wrong and who does not get the obvious reprecutions of what an A does WE GET IT. And I can confidently speak for everyone. Can't we just rise above the moral broken records and get to the point of dealing with the situations at hand? Exchange views and debate if we want to but in such way that we can learn not just point fingers to see who outdoes whom?

 

What's the point of all the finger pointing the deed is done. We're all knee deep in it now let's find solutions and new twists and ideas that could benefit our lives and experiences.

[Lyssa]

If he was a great father he'd work on the marriage for the families sake rather than screwing other women.

 

I know a lot of married people who are in similar situation as his marriage, some people try hard to work it out, some leave without even trying and some even stay just for the sake of their children, comfort level etc. Those people I know, are great people. Just because a few of them decided to have an affair or got sucked into it or whatever you people call it - does not make them bad people.

 

I don't have to tell you this but just so you know, he hasn't screwed me.

[Lyssa]

One of them is to watch how people treat those who love them. That is exactly how they will treat you eventually.

 

It's hard to see this as a BW but as an OW you are getting a front row view of his actions after the "lust" is gone.

 

A friend of mine didn't spend as much time with his wife during their 3 yr marriage due to work, sports etc. Spent time with kids a lot but when things go wrong between them or when he's just a little off from the surroundings, he spent time on work, sports, friends. However, he got involved with OW and he divorced his wife, got married to OW - treated her like a queen. They've been happily married for 5 yrs now. Have 3 beautiful kids and he spends time with them. Some people do change.

 

That's the thing, some people see it from both point of views and some just don't. At least, I try.. may not see it sometimes but at least, I try to see it from BS's point of view... every day. Maybe I shouldn't but that's just me. Really, all I want is to vent out and I do appreciate whatever advices that come my way but sometimes, people just want to vent. They don't need others to rub it in their faces on how bad their decisions are/were...

 

I better stop before I start saying things I'm going to regret. Thanks again.

[Lyssa]

Number one: We are talking about the current state of our relationships, not asking for advice, so why the unwanted nasty comments? Please leave them for when we're hurting and asking for help, when it's much more useful to kick us when we're down.

 

 

Number two: Perhaps there are superparents on here, but not everyone is able to put human nature on hold to be Perfect Mommy or Perfect Daddy. When I am upset or stressed, I too have a hard time spending a lot of time with my children. I will admit that the times when I feel really stressed out, I am thankful there is a t.v. or video game to keep them engaged for an hour or so. I hardly think I'm alone in that. And again, it has nothing to do with anyone's relationship status. It just is.

 

I agree. Thanks for pointing that out. My brother nor my SIL is having an affair but there comes a time where one of them would have something on their mind or just really stressed out from work and just want some time alone from kids, one another but I don't think that makes any of them a bad parent.

 

Yup, had nothing to do with the r/ship status.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I know a lot of married people who are in similar situation as his marriage, some people try hard to work it out, some leave without even trying and some even stay just for the sake of their children, comfort level etc. Those people I know, are great people. Just because a few of them decided to have an affair or got sucked into it or whatever you people call it - does not make them bad people.

 

I don't have to tell you this but just so you know, he hasn't screwed me.

 

Of these couples that you know, are they all on board with these decisions or is ONE choosing a lifestyle that the other has not agreed to nor would ever agree to. Certainly it is within both of their rights to choose the lifestyle that they are most comfortable with but if one decides to choose against the others wishes, then someone is being abused and taken advantage of because the other knows quite well that they would never agree to that situation.

 

Who decides that another human being deserves such treatment? Someone has to want that for them, believe that another deserves that over their own desires. Infact in this situation atleast 2 people have to hold the belief that they are more deserving... possibly more, if friends and family are party to the manipulations of another's life.

[Lyssa]

Suppose he does leave his wife and you make a home together. This is a man who may treat you or yours according to his moods rather than how you deserve.

 

Or do you think that he will be different with you? He will change because of you?

 

Call me naive or whatever you want but things can happen. People change, at least some of those I know.

[bish]

That is a BW point of view.

 

Uh...no...that is a father's point of view. I am a father.

[PoshPrincess]

I know a lot of married people who are in similar situation as his marriage, some people try hard to work it out, some leave without even trying and some even stay just for the sake of their children, comfort level etc. Those people I know, are great people. Just because a few of them decided to have an affair or got sucked into it or whatever you people call it - does not make them bad people.

 

Quite right. My exMM was a pretty sh*t husband, obviously, but no one who knows him can deny that he's a fantastic father. Ok, so he had an A....but he spent far more time with his kids than my Dad ever did with us and he never cheated (as far as I know). Those kids were MMs life and in the end he sacrificed his own happiness for theirs.

 

You can still be a good father even if you're no longer living with your children 24/7. My exSO has a great R with our son, probably better than he did when we all lived together, because the time they spend together (2/3 nights a week) is more precious. They have lots of quality time together doing things we wouldn't necessarily have done as a family because at the time Dad didn't really want to, but now he appreciates it all much more. Far better for my son than two parents living together who no longer love each other. I know that from my own experience.

[frannie]

I agree, and the same goes both ways. Many OW bash the BS, and they have to remember that the BS here isn't the MM's wife.

 

Any BS posting on this forum and getting 'bashed' have to realise that they're posting on an OM/OW forum. A place where OM/OW are hurting (or being happy) and understanding what's going on in their relationships. IF a BS chooses to post here, then they should understand that it's a board about the OP, not about them.

 

It does not 'go both ways'. This is a forum for the OM/OW. People who have been cheated on might find it's not a place they want to hang around or read. Their choice. Also their problem if they feel 'bashed'. Not that I've seen one single example of 'bashing of BS'.

 

Bashing of OP, however, on this forum isn't fair. This is a forum for US to come and discuss our relationships. Talking about 'all's fair'... how would it be if OW went to the infidelity forum and started talking about how the BS shouldn't be stupid, should ditch her husband, how good her H was in bed, etc. etc..? Bet that would go down really well

[GreenEyedLady]

Any BS posting on this forum and getting 'bashed' have to realise that they're posting on an OM/OW forum. A place where OM/OW are hurting (or being happy) and understanding what's going on in their relationships. IF a BS chooses to post here, then they should understand that it's a board about the OP, not about them.

 

It does not 'go both ways'. This is a forum for the OM/OW. People who have been cheated on might find it's not a place they want to hang around or read. Their choice. Also their problem if they feel 'bashed'. Not that I've seen one single example of 'bashing of BS'.

 

Bashing of OP, however, on this forum isn't fair. This is a forum for US to come and discuss our relationships. Talking about 'all's fair'... how would it be if OW went to the infidelity forum and started talking about how the BS shouldn't be stupid, should ditch her husband, how good her H was in bed, etc. etc..? Bet that would go down really well

 

You are SO on a roll tonight!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

how would it be if OW went to the infidelity forum and started talking about how the BS shouldn't be stupid, should ditch her husband, how good her H was in bed, etc. etc..? Bet that would go down really well

 

First of all this thread included BS's in the original post. On many of athe treads in this forum they are practicaly summoned only to be ganged up on. Secondly, I responded early on that their are OW who DO this on infidelity. Got an inbox full of pm's from bs's who've taken their issues off board because and I quote "their words are being used against them". Can't recall one of them starting a thread on the fact. Ofcourse they have nothing to brag about I don't guess! Chicken soup for the BS's soul!! tee hee hee! More llike oleander tea for the BS's soul!

 

Certainly BS's are fair game here as you put it. I don't imagine you would treat people any different "virtually" than you do in real life. Not one of us every accused you of being compassionate. Everything that the BS's have been accused of though the OW have been prime examples of on this thread and others. Its a long way down from that high horse but which ever side you're on, be sure the ground will catch your a$$ every time.

 

Funny to me that the slogan "you don't own a person" carries such weight here yet you claim to own an open forum! It's that double standard that people have trouble accepting.