Truly Disappointed

[bish]

And further, I don't see why anyone would aspire to be so moral above anything else in life, it's good to do the right thing, but isn't the right thing dependent on circumstances?

 

You don't have to be morally superior to know right from wrong.

 

And no, the circumstances don't dictate what is right or wrong with regards to cheating and sleeping with other peoples' spouses.

 

It is NOT right to cheat....instead of cheating, work it out or break it off.

 

It is NOT right to sleep with someone elses spouse. I don't care if the married party is mostly to blame. (and no, I am not talking about the OW/OM that didn't know their affair partner was married.)

 

And if you're so sure you're right, why push your views on others?

 

For the same reason some people like to push themselves on MM/MW....if ya know what I mean.

 

I guess I am just tired of the morality argument in general...And someone can tell me I'm immoral until they're blue in the face, but at this point, I just don't care...

 

I could call you immoral, but it wouldn't necessarily mean because I am speaking from a morally superior position....cuz like I said, you don't have to be morally superior to know right from wrong and doing the decent thing as supposed to doing the sleazy thing.

[Chinook]

I've been watching this discussion a little while and have a question which I've hesitated to ask. But I just saw this posted by Bish and I wondered if you guys could help me.

 

(and no, I am not talking about the OW/OM that didn't know their affair partner was married.)

 

This was my relationship. I thought I was a girlfriend. For seven months, I thought I was a partner in a relationship that was going somewhere. It was only AFTER HE ended it that it became apparent that I'd been an OW all along. He was supposedly separated pending divorce from his wife and he had his own house. He also worked from home throughout the week. Consequently, the relationship happened by him working from home from my house Tuesday through to Friday morning. Friday he would go home because he had custody of his kids at the weekend (what I didn't know was that he was also with the wife at the weekend).

 

My question is really how you can get past feeling so stupid...? How do you stop feeling like a fool...? I have a very strong moral code and would never have chosen to be OW (not that I am condemning anyone who makes that choice, it isn't my place to judge). But I find that I'm not finding the breakup hard to deal with - what is hard to deal with is the level of deception that took place to both sides. I find it hard to comprehend that I was nothing more than his 'dirty' girl on the side - he saw his wife as the angel and myself as the whore. He never said this to me but that's become apparent from the way he was able to treat me at times. How do you get past the disappointment of losing so much of yourself to someone who was no more than a snake..?

 

There are so many things I'm feeling and so many emotions I don't know what to do with. But the worst is that I was schmoozed and talked into being something I am not. I would never have betrayed and deceived another human being like this and I can't get over that someone else has done so and made me complicit with it.

 

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this. Just Bish's comment gave me the courage to post.

[Ladyjane14]

My question is really how you can get past feeling so stupid...? How do you stop feeling like a fool...? I have a very strong moral code and would never have chosen to be OW (not that I am condemning anyone who makes that choice, it isn't my place to judge). But I find that I'm not finding the breakup hard to deal with - what is hard to deal with is the level of deception that took place to both sides.

 

Actually, I think that's one of the hardest things ANYBODY deals with... being treated like some kind of chump.

At the end of the day though... does that say something about YOU or is does that say something about him?

 

You can't control other people, honey. It's hubris to think you can, right? So, with that in mind... you let the other guy carry his own bags. And you give yourself a break for NOT having a crystal ball and for not being able to read the tea leaves.

He was an ass. There was no way you could have made him be LESS an ass.

 

Yeah, it sucks to get reeled in, but... we live and we learn. And when we do that JUST RIGHT, we realize that if somebody else is making us fearful or changing the way we meet life's challenges.. we've given them power over us that wasn't theirs to have.

[GreenEyedLady]

My question is really how you can get past feeling so stupid...? How do you stop feeling like a fool...?

 

That was me, too...I was lied to as well...

 

How can I get past feeling so stupid? Well, I've gotten past many other things that are way worse...I guess part of it depends on the experiences that you've had...If you've had a life with fairly good and easy experiences, to be lied to is probably a very devastating experience...

 

However, not everyone has led a life devoid of bad things happening to them...and put in that perspective, it may not be as bad...Do you undestand what I mean? And if you've never been lied to in your life, you'd probably find it unbelievable for someone to lie to you...

 

Now I'm not saying that I've lead a horrible, bad life...My parents gave me a good middle-class childhood but sometimes bad things happen anyway...I am very happy with my life now, but I have had some awful things happen to me that I feel I have overcome and have made me a stronger person, a more empathetic person...But my experiences are what determines how one person's action affect me...He lied to me, yes...Did it kill me? No...It has made me wiser and more attune to deception in the future...

 

My advice is: let it go...you didn't know...Why do you feel stupid anyway? How would you know? If someone wants to hide something they'll find a way, you know that now...

 

It's not your fault that he lied...People lie to protect themselves and others...Here he was protecting himself...

[Chinook]

Lady Jane & GreenEyedLady, thankyou for your posts, they helped a little to soothe some of the angst. You guys are right, if I had known, I really wouldn't have gone there at all. (sigh)

 

Thankyou

 

EDIT: extra post coming.

[Chinook]

Actually, I think that's one of the hardest things ANYBODY deals with... being treated like some kind of chump.

At the end of the day though... does that say something about YOU or is does that say something about him?

I have to say Lady Jane, I'm not entirely sure what you mean here. Unfortunately for me though. I think I do tend to be a little too trusting, a little too naive. I have been married previously - but I was very young and my husband was an alcoholic. I divorced because despite loving him, I couldn't help him and he wouldn't help himself. But my second relationship after that was of 10 years and that's the relationship I 'grew up' in. I grew to love and trust without abandon. I think in some ways, I was spoiled. But circumstances meant we didn't make it. It wasn't his fault or mine. What I'm saying is, I have very little experience of the 'real world' regarding relationships and who I should trust. I'm not really blaming myself as such, but I feel bad because this guy cheated on his wife because of me.

 

Yeah, it sucks to get reeled in, but... we live and we learn. And when we do that JUST RIGHT, we realize that if somebody else is making us fearful or changing the way we meet life's challenges.. we've given them power over us that wasn't theirs to have.

I know. Just I have a conscience too. I don't blame myself for what happened. I just wish I'd a little more experience with people like this. Now, I guess I have that and it will make me a little wiser.

 

Well, I've gotten past many other things that are way worse...I guess part of it depends on the experiences that you've had...If you've had a life with fairly good and easy experiences, to be lied to is probably a very devastating experience.

This is kinda hard for me because I have had what most people would thing were a lot of bad experiences in life. Some I have had control over and it's been a mistake, but some I've had no control over and they haven't been my fault. I've learned that life is a balance of good and bad and sometimes it's our fault and sometimes it isn't. But with this, I don't think it's as simple as that for me. I seem to have this unwavering ability to simply put my trust in people until they prove me wrong. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. But as I have found the hard way now, it has ensured that I got hurt. Like I said to Lady Jane above, I have very little bad relationship experience and I tend to judge people on the standards that I judge myself... and if it isn't already apparent, I'm a harsh judge of my own character. I think that's why I'm finding this hard.

 

Do you undestand what I mean? And if you've never been lied to in your life, you'd probably find it unbelievable for someone to lie to you.

I really don't think it's quite just that because as I said, I have had a lot of bad experiences from child abuse, to an alcoholic young husband, to rape, to cancer, a broken back, losing a child and much more besides. I have been through a lot in life. So, no I don't find someone lying to me unbelievable. I think what I find unbelieveable is someone who knew how fragile my trust was, still went ahead and broke it. Do you see the difference...? This guy told me that nothing but death would separate us... and yet, he had no way of honouring that and my 'chance' of death is much higher than the average 37 year olds. To me that level of deception and well, cruelty is incomprehensible. I'm sitting here shaking my head because I still can't really believe it happened.

 

He lied to me, yes...Did it kill me? No...It has made me wiser and more attune to deception in the future.

I think I just had a realisation. Yes, his lies will not kill me and yes, they will furnish me with wisdom for the future. I think your point there really cut to the heart of my problem. Maybe now, I won't be so quick to trust people and maybe that isn't such a bad thing. I am a strong person and I know without doubt I can get through anything if I really choose to. I think what devastated me so much with this is that I judged someone else's words by my own standards... when I tell someone I will be there for them, it means I will be there. If I say to someone 'nothing but death will separate us' I'm careful with what I say, I mean it. I guess I've learned that not everyone else is... and maybe that's my point and my disappointment. I feel much younger than my 37 years right now, like I should have known he wasn't telling me the truth when he said all the things he said. But I can find no crime or recrimination in myself for believing it either.

 

let it go...you didn't know

I know. Being here and seeing the different stories helps. You're right, I didn't know. I find it hard to believe even now it happened like that so yes, it's still hard to comprehend that's what happened. As for letting it go... I'm trying. I guess, I feel for other people though. I know alot of the ladies here say that the OW doesn't have any responsibility for the M and the BS - but I do feel responsible. If he hadn't chased me down, it wouldn't have happened. But that's more about my feeling bad about it than what happened in their marriage. For myself, I can't believe his W has no idea he does this kind of thing (because I can't believe I'm the first).

 

Again, thankyou ladies... you have helped me alot in the last 24 hours or so.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally Posted by Ladyjane14 ...

Actually, I think that's one of the hardest things ANYBODY deals with... being treated like some kind of chump.

At the end of the day though... does that say something about YOU or is does that say something about him?

I have to say Lady Jane, I'm not entirely sure what you mean here.

 

What I mean is... that when someone treats you "like a chump", they're disrespecting you. And it's difficult to be treated with disrespect. It makes us secretly wonder if there's some kind of reason for it, some kind of vibe we're putting out, some kind of signal, something we're doing wrong that would lead others to believe we aren't worthy of respectful treatment. It leaves us anxious that maybe we're not good enough or smart enough in some way.

 

You have to realize though that when someone treats another human being so poorly... it says something nasty about THEM. It's not about the victim. It's about the perpetrator, their selfishness, their self-centered choices, their drive to self-gratify.. their self, self, self.

 

It wasn't about you, Chinook. This was somebody else's malfunction, so it's okay to let it go. Fretting over it is just wasted energy at this point. And in light of some of the challenges you've told us about, it sounds to me like you're blessed to be on THIS side of the green, green grass. Don't waste another minute of your precious time or energy on someone who's shown himself clearly to be undeserving of it. Don't let what happened stand between you and your joy.

[Chinook]

I thought that was what you meant

 

Yeah, I'm beginning to see it wasn't about me and it was simply about him. Today I feel a lot more philosophical about it and I'm not really feeling as bad about things. I guess too, I kinda feel sorry for him in a way (not in a way where I'd want to do anything about it though) it must be a very sad and empty existence to have to do these kinds of things to people around him. I'm glad I am who I am and I see people the way I do. I wouldn't change it and I'd probably take the risk again. I'd just be way more careful next time and ask a lot more questions before committing to anything!