Why do I feel this way when my husband...

[msm]

is such a wonderful man? I have been with him for 10 yrs married for 1. There is no reason why my heart and mind should stray but I can't stop thinking about this other person. We've known eachother for a while and we've always known the intense attraction between us but we shook it off because we're both involved. He's not married but with someone. We saw eachother the other day for the first time in a while and it horrified me. I didn't cheat but the emotional discussion was bad enough. For the first time, he told me he loved me and wished we could be together. He knows my husband and feels bad about his feelings but can't help it. They are more like acquaintances. He told me that one day I will be his wife. Before this meeting, I occasionally call him but he would never answer. He admitted the other day it's because it's too hard. It pains him not to answer my calls bc it's the right thing to do. He's waiting for me to call him with news that I can finally be his. I am so sad with guilt about this it's literally making me sick. My husband doesn't deserve this. It would be so much easier if he were a jerk but he's the best. Not claiming him to be perfect but no woman would need to stray. I am undeniably attracted to this other person and can't know for sure if it's love or lust. I've been asking myself so many questions and I know I would be insane for risking my life for this guy. But then again, why I am doing this to him? If you really love someone, why would you do this to them?

[maoz]

I shared a somewhat similar story in the flirting forum.

I too am married and feel terribly attracted to a coworker. He has a girlfriend. Unlike in your case, in mine I was the one who confessed the attraction to him.

He is leaving his job in a few days if he has not already. I want to at least say good bye to him before he leaves. I know he has some feelings for me (you feel these things) but he does'nt want to act on them because we are both not avilable.

I understand what you are going through - its terribly frustrating, also - the guilt feeling towards your husband who as you say is a good man that you love and respect.

A close and wise friend of mine told me that once you understand what it is exactly about this other person that ignites you, what happens to you when you are in his presence, what desires of your own you project onto him, then you begin to be able to take control of your feelings.

I know how hard this is, it tears you apart, the longing, the desire, the passion.

Unfortunately much of these feelings have to do with the fantasy realm.

Its always the fantasies that create these exciting illusions that this other person is everything we have dreamed of.

I'm not going to criticize you or give you advice - I'm here to tell you that I understand, and hope you are happy with which ever choice you decide to make.

Good luck to the both of us - in my case it seems I'll very soon have to abandon the fantasy completely.

[bish]

is such a wonderful man? I have been with him for 10 yrs married for 1. There is no reason why my heart and mind should stray but I can't stop thinking about this other person.

 

Because you are one of those types of people that can't handle being with the same person for a long time. Some can handle it, some can't.

 

I am so sad with guilt about this it's literally making me sick. My husband doesn't deserve this.

 

No...he doesn't.

 

It would be so much easier if he were a jerk but he's the best. Not claiming him to be perfect but no woman would need to stray. I am undeniably attracted to this other person and can't know for sure if it's love or lust. I've been asking myself so many questions and I know I would be insane for risking my life for this guy. But then again, why I am doing this to him? If you really love someone, why would you do this to them?

 

Why would you do this to someone if you really love them? Selfishness...pure and simple. That and being fickle.

 

This may sound harsh, but I think you need to hear it.

You sound like so many other people I have encountered. I actually had a drink one night with a guy that I am not direct buddies with, but I know him and we found ourselves talking one time. I know his wife...and she is a sweetheart. He was telling me basically the same things you are saying.

 

I told him to "wake the f#ck up" and snap out of it. Grass always seems greener on the other side....until you mow it a few years.

 

Yah, you'll f#ck up your marriage for this lust you feel for another guy...then when you are with him and the newness wears off and either you or this other guy starts looking to upgrade to a new man/woman.

 

I've seen so many people destroy their marriages and family just so they could hop in the sack with someone else thinking its love....then after a few years they found out it wasn't any such thing.

 

So shi!t or get off the pot. If you think you love your husband, and you already said he is a great man and doesn't deserve this, then go no contact with this guy that is trying to get in between you and focus all your love on your husband.

 

If not, then just divorce him so he can find someone decent. Life is too short to stay with someone who is not faithful. So if you can't shake this other man...let your husband go...he deserves better.

[FireandIce]

I suggest you look to see what is lacking in your relationship with your husband because if you are constantly thinking about this guy then there has to be something missing in your marriage. Your husband could be a prince but there is obviously something that is causing these feelings so you'll have to take a long hard look at yourself to figure out what that is.

[whichwayisup]

Bottomline is this - If you want your marriage to stay on the straight and narrow, you have to end it completely with this OM. No contact at all, ever again. Or, tell your H that you've met someone and you're confused. Maybe by telling your H that you're tempted, you two can fix your marriage and make it better.

 

You can't explore your feelings with someone else, but I know you know that already. Problem is, you and this guy discussed those feelings and opened pandora's box. Now, you need to close it, lock it and throw away the key, because if you don't, you WILL find yourself wanting him and putting yourself in the situation (allowing) where an affair could start. One little innocent kiss WILL lead to other things. Just go read in the OW/OM forum and the infidelity forum.

 

Good luck and I really hope you get this guy out of your blood. Just know, you CAN do that if you really want to.

[Darth Vader]

Lady, tell your husband everything about what has happened between you and OM, then get to marriage counseling, because if you don't, you'll be back on here in a few months saying how you rode OM, "the sex was better, OM was bigger" kind of Bullcrap! How much you destroyed your husband, because he found out, caught you having sex with OM, ETC. I don't know if you have children, but, think what it would do to their lives, let alone to your husbands. Tell your husband!

[Cobra_X30]

For the first time, he told me he loved me and wished we could be together. He knows my husband and feels bad about his feelings but can't help it. They are more like acquaintances. He told me that one day I will be his wife. Before this meeting, I occasionally call him but he would never answer. He admitted the other day it's because it's too hard. It pains him not to answer my calls bc it's the right thing to do.

 

Player Alert! If you fall for that line you are soooo dumb. He didnt answer because he was with another woman. Oh, he cant help his feelings and he is going to marry you some day... ROFL. If I had a nickel for everytime this cheap line works.

[Lynna]

I have been with him for 10 yrs married for 1. There is no reason why my heart and mind should stray but I can't stop thinking about this other person. We've known eachother for a while and we've always known the intense attraction between us but we shook it off because we're both involved.

 

Which have you known longer - your H or this other guy? Why did you marry your H if you were already obsessed with this other guy?

 

You need to sit back and reflect on your life, compare these two men, what do you love about each one, what don't you like about each one? Which one can you see spending the rest of your life with?

 

You should seek counseling for yourself. You don't know what you want and you don't know what to do about it. Maybe you have personal issues that prevent you from being happy with what you have. Seek counseling for yourself and then consider MC as well.

 

DON'T take any action with this other guy until you straighten out your head and figure out whether you love your husband or not.

[justice]

Bottom line, you are married, I agree with bish, poop or get off the damn pot. And no, I'm not meaning to be harsh either, but if you cheat on your husband, you are starting the ball rolling toward total and utter destruction. Stop it before it gets started, work on your marriage instead of the other man. You might be surprised at what you find out, and you might find yourself falling in love with the man you married all over again.

[msm]

[COLOR=black]I appreciate everyone's candor regarding my post. I really do. However, one response mentioned that I was someone who couldn't be with one person. I know it's difficult not to place judgement, but I am someone who can and has been with someone for a long time. I do not go out gawking over men or put myself in situations that are inappropriate except for this one time in almost 11 yrs. When men seem to be attracted to me, I ignore it. No interest. Unfortunately, I have known this OM for a long time and while it's still wrong, this is different. Before this OM creeped into my thoughts, I already felt something has changed for me. There's more to this than I'm sharing. I don't know why but I never initiate sex. When we are having sex, it's great but I never initiate it unless I have a few drinks in me and feel like being spontaneous. I'm more apt to grab him at party (in fact we did have sex on the side of his friend's house) which was great! But, I don't lust or desire him. I suppose this is natural after a while but not sure? Is it? Is it really natural for human beings to be with one person for the rest of their lives? Morally I believe so but physically I have to admit it's hard. I know it's our job to keep it alive and creative and we do sometimes but the energy has definitely has dwindled. I did catch him a while back looking at porn on the internet. A couple of times. I was totally freaked out but then I understood that it was my fault. I wasn't giving him what he needed. Although we had never ever talked about him on the internet. I just let it go but I knew. Just a few weeks ago he said it would be nice for us to have more sex. [/COLOR]

[whichwayisup]

Unfortunately, I have known this OM for a long time and while it's still wrong, this is different.

 

It may be different because of your feelings, but you chose to explore those feelings. And let them grow....Not something a married person should be doing. Saying "yeah I'm tempted, but I can't...I'm married" is the right response, but we're not in a perfect world.........

 

What do you want? Once you decide - Go from there.

 

Do you want to continue to lie and betray your husband so you still have that affair? Or do you want to end the affair, focus on your husband and be the wife, the mother, the person you're meant to be? It's really selfish to have your cake and eat it too....Though, if you want that, be fair and LET your H know that you're getting some on the side, so then HE can choose if he wants another woman in his life too...

 

Or, divorce your H, that way you can do what you want.

 

As for his porn thing, if it upsets you, TALK TO HIM, sort out the issues in the marriage and go to marriage counselling.

[Cobra_X30]

Its so funny. All the women that post here about how thier husbands dont want to have sex with them. Here you are, the complete opposite. You doubt that you can be with 1 person your whole life? Thats completely your choice! Do you think there is some chemical in your brain that you cant control or that its just some turn of fate? Seriously if you cant follow what you believe in your heart to be moral and correct, what kind of person are you?

 

You seem confused. Please realize that the problem is inside your head, and unless you take steps to rectify it, you will be doomed to the same unhappy cycle. Once you fix yourself, then you will be in a better place to evaluate your marriage.

 

One thing I will be straight up with you about is that this guy that your crushing is no good. Are you seriously going to fall for any guy that pays attention to you? How sad. You may feel like you know him because of the time involved, but I think your confused. He is using the same lines I would to set up a FWB situation. There is no love in his actions.

 

Ignore what I say if you wish, its your life.

[msm]

After this last reply, I am removing myself from this forum. I came on hear to seek advice not to be critized and judged. You don't know me you just know my story. Noone said I was going to become involved with this OM. I would rather die then do that however I am having an emotional struggle at the moment; I AM HUMAN sue me! Who said I wanted to be a mother?! Not me!

 

Cobra, you're obviously not educated enough to comprehend what I am writing. I am far from desperate and do not need anyone's attention. If you knew me, you would know. I think you need to spend some time off the forum and figure out another way to utilize all this free time you seem to have.

 

For those of you who offered sound advice, I thank you.

 

Best of luck.

[Storyrider]

MSM, don't remove yourself just because of one reply that ruffles your fur. Just ignore it. There is more good than bad to be found here.

 

I am a married woman who can relate to what you're describing. Are you someone who has trouble expressing anger? Is it possible you are angry at your husband and it is coming out sideways, affecting your lack of desire and fueling your roaming heart? I am not saying your feeling for OM aren't real, but that anger at your H. could be contributing.

 

You say your H. is a great guy. That can make it all the harder to know how to express your anger.

[Cobra_X30]

MSM, I am sorry if I offended you. You are correct in the fact that I do not know your personal situation. I feel that the gist of what I said is pertinent to your case. If you think I sit on some high horse and pass some form of mental judgement on you, this is not the case. I am not qualified to do that.

 

I typically make it a rule not to put alot of personal information on this board. However in this situation I feel it would be helpful for you to understand where I am coming from on this topic. In the past I have not been above chasing after women who are currently in relationships. The actions and words of this friend of yours are frighteningly recognizable to me. I feel that my perspective on where he is coming from may help you. Affairs do not just come in the physical variety.

 

That said I again apologize for anything I said that may have hurt your feelings. If you wish PM me and I will provide a more detailed apology.