Do Actions Speak Louder than Words?

[Tessa]

I really would love to know the answer...My b/f is really hard to figure out. One minute he is sweet and caring, the next he wants time to himself.

 

A little background...We have been seeing one another for 2 years. We basically live together except for the fact he has half of his things at my house and the rest still at his. He cannot seem to make the actual move. However, he does spend most of his time at my place. I'm older by 9 years. I know what I want and I really don't think he does at this point.

 

Let me get back to the actually question...Tonight is a perfect example...I look forward to the weekends. This is really the only time that we can be completely alone and spend quality time together. Tonight, he tells me that he is going out with his cousin. O.K. No big deal. Except for the fact that he seems to think that I am pissed off about it. He states that I never let him do anything. Which is complete BS. I don't tell him anything. He is the one who keeps telling me that I say these things. I never even utter the words. Why do men do this?

 

Anyway, I went to the movies and he went out with his cousin. I still have yet to hear from him and it is 1am here. He seems to think that I cannot live without him. I have lived without him for practically all of my life and I can live without him now. Getting back to the actions/words thing...Tomorrow is our anniversery and he is spending the day running errands, without me. We normally spend the weekends together. Is he sending me some kind of message or am I over reacting?

[Bill]

He is the one who keeps telling me that I say these things. I never even utter the words. Why do men do this?

 

Women do this as well, but that's not the point. Maybe he believes that if he spends time elsewhere, you will have to spend it without him. Maybe you two are regular about your "going out" and he just imagines what you would or might think about being apart, even if it isn't the case.

 

Sometimes one person in the relationship wants more to be together most of the time. This causes conflict. If you two cannot work out this conflict somehow, then it will lead to problems. Just make sure that you talk to him again about how it would not bother you (or does it?) about him going out without you.

[Tessa]

"Just make sure that you talk to him again about how it would not bother you (or does it?) about him going out without you."

 

 

 

I don't care if he wants to hang out with his cousin or just spend time alone. What bothers me is how he tells me. It is always last minute and it always includes "You never let me do anything"(which I have never said). He always has the conversation played out in his head before he even talks to me. So by the time he tells me he is always pissed off at me. I am given no time to react. He just automatically starts in on the rant.

 

Today is our anniversery and I have yet to hear from him...Again...Is he sending me some sort of sign or am I over reacting?

[yes]

my reaction, if i were you, would be to back up & give him more space than he ever wanted. if he comes back to you and tries to reduce the space- there u go. if he doesn't - you'll know he's not into it.

 

that's my two cents,

-yes

[Just A Girl2]

Okay, you've been together for 2 yrs now. That's a fairly significant amount of time, yet you freely admit that while you know what you want out of life, he doesn't...particularly in terms of the commitment-issue. If he's still so unsure after 24 months, I doubt things are going to be changing any time soon....the only thing that will change is that life will continue to pass and you will be continuing to invest (waste?) more time in someone who doesn't seem to be on your same wavelength....who doesn't seem to be at the same place in life that you're at.

 

I really don't like the way he accuses you of things that you haven't said. In my opinion, it's a form of verbal and mental abuse. I've dated (was married to one) 2 guys who'd pull this stuff all the time. Back then, I was much younger and didn't understand why they did this.....but looking back, it makes sense. They did it for these reasons:

 

1) Deep down, they possessed a very small shred of guilt for always wanting to be off doing their own things........and it would have actually made them feel JUSTIFIED in doing these things IF the women in their lives would immediately rag on them. It sort of goes hand in hand with people who intentionally "pick a fight" over something, just so that they feel they have a reason to "leave" and do what they want to do.

 

I once had a b/f (my first) who did this.......I was about 18 or 19. About a year into our relationship, he started to consistently pick fights......looking back, it was like clockwork (then I was naive and didn't know much about how I should expect to be treated). He would make plans to pick me up at my house (parent's house) on a Friday night at, say, 6pm. He'd be 2 hours late, I'd be quite hurt but I'd say nothing because I didn't want to p*ss him off. It never failed though....after he'd pick me up, he'd accuse me of something bogus, like me being upset that he'd been late, or WHATEVER....and he'd say, "That's it, I'm not into fighting, I'm taking you back home"....and he'd slam his car around on the road, doing a u-turn if needed, and back to my parent's driveway. Why did he do this? Well I later found out that after he'd pick a fight and drop me off, he'd go off to the bar and meet all his pals.

 

Another reason your guy could be doing this is to take the focus off of himself and put it onto YOU..to twist things around....make YOU look like the bad a$$, make YOU look like the one who has issues and insecurities and such.

 

In short, it's a very immature tactic, and not the kind of thing that a good, stable, mature, fair, loving, well-balanced partner does....not very honest or respectful.

 

Sure, he might be trying to send you a message.....might be trying to p*ss you off and hurt you enough so that YOU will dump his butt..........maybe he wants to end things but doesn't want to do the "dirty work" so he figures if he's enough of a jacka$$, you'll do it for him.

 

But regardless of whether he's trying to send you a message, the fact of the matter, and the main issue here is...............don't you think you deserve better?? Would you treat someone like this? No....so why would you put up with it?

 

Now today is your 2 yr anniversary and he's buggered off and hasn't even had the decency to call you, maybe take you out for lunch, or make plans for tonight....last night he buggered off and was out all night............does this sound like someone who respects you and loves you? No. It sounds like an immature, selfish little boy who has his head up his butt.

 

And you're right...the way it seems he already has things rehearsed in his mind before he says them, and how he seems to always catch you off guard. Don't think that's just a coincidence........he's got it all planned out, that's how he works.

 

If I were you, I'd pack up any belongings he has in your place, put them in boxes and sit them outside on the doorstep. I'd then go on down to the nearest Home Depot and buy yourself a new keyed doorknob and change the one you have now, so that his key will no longer work. If that doesn't sound appealing, look in the yellow pages under Locksmiths and I'm sure you'd find one who'd be more than willing to come to your home and change the "tumblers" in the current doorknob you have, and rekey it. It's time for you to take some action here.........to stand up for yourself......to put your foot down and put your needs first. He's got no problem putting HIS needs first...........let him do it, by himself.

 

If you just let this slide and try to talk this out, he's only going to continue to disrespect you.....he'll continue to try and twist things all around.......and continue to act like the child that he is. You owe him nothing because he gives you nothing, but grief and BS.

 

Let today, your 2 yr anniversary be the day that you mark on your calendar as the day you stood up for yourself and made a promise not to let him or any other guy treat you like crap or abuse you.

 

Good luck.

[HokeyReligions]

My husband and I experienced something like this when we were dating. He accused me of saying something that I never said. It took me a while to realize that my attitutde, posturing, etc. was contradicting what I said.

 

He could tell I was upset about something, even though I didn't say it. Sometimes this carried forward a long time. He might remember that six months ago I was upset about not spending an evening together because he went out with his friends. So the next time he wants to spend time with his friends, he remembered six months ago and it came out "you never let me do anythng" That used to drive me crazy! That "YOU NEVER" statement made it sound like it was a weekly or daily thing.

 

We did eventually work it out and improved our communications so now he knows that I am sincere when I say "go ahead" and more importantly, I know that I am sincere. There is no more build-up of old hurt feelings or questions.

 

We both had to learn about ourselves - I didn't realize that my downcast eyes, or lack of a smile, or tensed shoulders was telling him more than my words, and he needed to learn that "you never" irritated the tar out of me and wasn't accurate at all.

 

Could something like that be happening with you two?

[Tessa]

Thank you so much for all of your advice and two cents. It is greatly appreciated.

 

Today, I got my answer. I asked him why he has never told me that he loves and his answer was " I can't say something that I don't feel". That's it. Then he attempted to act as if everything was normal.

 

I know what I need to do, but it's hard. Yes, I hurt. More than words can say, but I know that I will get over it in time.

 

Again, thank you everyone.

[Tessa]

He has called me everyday since Sunday. Does this mean anything?

[Debster]

he liked it the way things were, having you when he wanted you but he knew he never loved you. Once you found that out your attitude to him changed (and I hope you kicked him to the curb) and now he misses you.

 

However, please don't confuse missing you with loving you. I know it's hard because you care about him and it's great to think that now he's realized the error of his ways and you're the love of his life (I know 'cause I did that in a past relationship) BUT DON'T!!! Missing you is not the same thing as loving you.

 

You deserve someone who loves you and wants the same things you do.