When did I become the OM?

[joriel]

When I found this board almost a year ago I remember being really pleased that there was a forum for the OM/OW but I never actually imagined that I would find myself belonging here.

 

Shortly after the end of my last committed relationship I took the advice of the fine folks on this board and picked myself and got back in the social arena. Recognizing that I was in no shape to have a romantic relationship with anyone I set out to find some new friendships and rediscover myself. Fortunately I was able to make some new acquaintances rather quickly and before long felt comfortable thinking of a few of them as friends. Of these few friends there was one woman whom I had an instant connection with and our friendship began developing much faster than the others. Over the next 5 months I found myself becoming increasingly comfortable with this woman and we would often discuss the complexities of her committed relationship (they're not legally married), I would offer her advice, she would vent, and so on. Eventually I realized that I was actively involved in an emotional affair with her.

 

Shortly thereafter we discussed our situation and agreed that we were both attracted to each other. Naively we set-up rules of engagement that would allow us to remain friends but not cross the line any further. After a few months of this we had another conversation where it was clear that we were more than attracted to each other and in fact had begun to have very real feelings for one another. It was during this time that we attended a social gathering (along with her partner who is also a friend) and she had a bit too much to drink and told me that I was the only person that she could ever imagine herself with forever. She doesn't remember this convo and I would be foolish to remind her.

 

Several weeks after her comment I found myself, stupidly, intoxicated with her in her home and asking her to dance. Her partner was out of town. After dancing she kissed me and things escalated from there. This episode was repeated for several days. In fact, one night I invited her and some other friends over for the evening and in an attempt to control/hide my feelings I was rather rude to her most of the night. Perhaps this was to keep our other friends in the dark about our activities. She reamed me for it and we kissed and "made-up" later on.

 

Fast forward to early July when we went out for a friend's birthday and she was with her partner who is by now clearly skeptical of our relationship. Knowing that I am in the wrong and that she has obviously chosen to remain with her partner I once again attempt to control my emotions (most notably the fact that I am in love with her) but by doing so I ignore her, in fact I won't even look at her all evening. Paranoia was telling me that one look in her direction would tell everything and at that point, from the way her partner acted towards me, I partially assumed that she had told him about us.

 

Well the next day she read me the riot act and our relationship has been awkward at best for the last month. She says she's still hurt by my actions but I honestly don't know what I should have done or should do about this situation.

 

I suppose I'm posting here because I realize that ever since we began our emotional affair I have been the OM. Yes, I am head over heels in love with this woman but I can't honestly believe that she'll leave her partner, who by the way doesn't actually know about us.

 

Do any of you fine folks have any advice or even thoughts on this matter? I could really use some suggestions right about now.

[JamesM]

Over the next 5 months I found myself becoming increasingly comfortable with this woman and we would often discuss the complexities of her committed relationship (they're not legally married), I would offer her advice, she would vent, and so on.

 

To answer your question, THIS is when you became the OM. I have found that when you begin advising someone on their relationship, you become very involved in their life. It can easily evolve into an extreme caring about their life.

 

What to do now? I personally do not think that you will be able to have a simple friendship at this point. The best move is to begin pulling back from too much involvement in her life. However, there is a real possibility that she could leave her partner because they are not married. However, this does not mean she will choose you. She had a void in her relationship and you filled it.

 

Step back and find new friends. And date some unattached women.