SusanArlene Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 My husband was raised by a narcisstic mother. Unfortunately, he was killed last August. So now I am faced with his mother who is also the grandmother of my four daughters. She has tried to control and manipulate both me and my girls since my husband's death. Most of the posts I've read are about leaving a narcissist; however, I am not sure what do to in my case. She is still the girls' grandmother so she has rights. However, I am fed up with her emotional abuse and her manipulating my girls into thinking things that aren't true. She is a control freak and a liar and continuously lies to her own grandchildren. I don't know how to "leave" her. I am afraid she will take me to court and try to get custody of my kids. I am "documenting" everything she has said and done to me since my husband's death. It is unfortunate that it took his death for her to show her "true" colors to me, and I am not at all pleased at the person she has become. She lost her only son but since she never really "loved" him (she treated him as a "possession"), she has turned her narcisstic ways towards me and my girls. However, I refused to allow her access to manipulate me and she is having a hard time understanding and dealing with that. I am proud to say I have gotten the upper hand and am standing firm on my own, without her help. I took a trip to Alaska with my girls, on my own, something she tried telling me I wasn't capable of. I have told her "No," on occasions where she's wanted to take the girls somewhere but their misbehavioar warranted a privilege taken away, including spending time with Grandma. I moved into a rental so now she cannot enter in and go through my things anymore, or go through my mail, which she was doing. I am planning on buying my own house and fixing it up AS I PLEASE and nothing she can say or do about it. Anyway, to make a long story short. How can I, if at all possible, cut the ties to the girls' grandmother if she does not behave? Can she legally take me to court and try to get custody of my kids? I can't see how but the idea bugs me.
curiousnycgirl Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 First of all - PLEASE USE PARAGRAPHS. One long paragraph is very hard to read. Although I am not a lawyer - I do not believe grandparents actually have legal rights - perhaps moral ones, but certainly not legal ones - unless you are proven unfit and they get custody, which does not sound like it would happen. You seem to have done a lot of very positive things to stand on your own two feet - you should feel very proud, and to be honest your mother in law should feel scared, but perhaps we is too into herself to realize this. To tell the truth as a mother, it is your obligation to protect your girls from her lies and manipulation. I would very simply have a discussion with her. Tell her you very much want your daughters to have a close relationship with her, however there are certain things that are not unacceptable - and should they continue, you will have to limit her time with them. Be very specific - and tell her the choice is up to her, if she lies/manipulates - she will not see them. Be strong - remember you are protecting your girls! Good luck to you.
Elmo Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 My husband was raised by a narcisstic mother. Unfortunately, he was killed last August. So now I am faced with his mother who is also the grandmother of my four daughters. She has tried to control and manipulate both me and my girls since my husband's death. Most of the posts I've read are about leaving a narcissist; however, I am not sure what do to in my case. She is still the girls' grandmother so she has rights. However, I am fed up with her emotional abuse and her manipulating my girls into thinking things that aren't true. She is a control freak and a liar and continuously lies to her own grandchildren. I don't know how to "leave" her. I am afraid she will take me to court and try to get custody of my kids. I am "documenting" everything she has said and done to me since my husband's death. It is unfortunate that it took his death for her to show her "true" colors to me, and I am not at all pleased at the person she has become. She lost her only son but since she never really "loved" him (she treated him as a "possession"), she has turned her narcisstic ways towards me and my girls. However, I refused to allow her access to manipulate me and she is having a hard time understanding and dealing with that. I am proud to say I have gotten the upper hand and am standing firm on my own, without her help. I took a trip to Alaska with my girls, on my own, something she tried telling me I wasn't capable of. I have told her "No," on occasions where she's wanted to take the girls somewhere but their misbehavioar warranted a privilege taken away, including spending time with Grandma. I moved into a rental so now she cannot enter in and go through my things anymore, or go through my mail, which she was doing. I am planning on buying my own house and fixing it up AS I PLEASE and nothing she can say or do about it. Anyway, to make a long story short. How can I, if at all possible, cut the ties to the girls' grandmother if she does not behave? Can she legally take me to court and try to get custody of my kids? I can't see how but the idea bugs me. I agree with the first person to reply to your post. That said, it should be very easy to find out what LEGAL rights this woman has to your children. Just Google your state/grandparent rights. I bet there are no legal rights she has. Do this first, print the legal stuff out and read it a few times. After you know she has no "legal rights"... Make a list of things you will not tolerate her doing. You should then meet with her and lay down the law. Your law. They are your kids, not hers. I hope you are compassionate with her...but if she is REALLY a narcissist and damaged your husband don't put your kids in that situation. He would want you to shield them. If she is just a pain in the arse....well, you are the Mom....make rules for her. I have a feeling that she is more than a pain. Get the legal stuff clear in your mind--then decide your boundaries. Your trip sounded great. Keep doing things like this if you relied upon her. You sound like a good mother.
nittygritty Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 It is your job as a parent to determine the best interests of your kids. If you feel that your kids having contact with your Ex MIL does more harm than good than it is up to you to protect them from that harm. Very few states recognize Grandparents Rights. If you do happen to live in one that does, your going to have difficulty proving that the kids being in contact with their paternal Grandmother is not in their best interests if you continue to allow them to have contact with her. She can't get custody but she could attempt court ordered visitation if your state recognizes Grandparents Rights. If you truly believe that she is emotionally harming your kids and that your kids would be better off not having any contact with her then sever all ties. However, since your kids lost their father last year, losing their relationship with their Grandmother may be worse than her having minimal or low contact with them. Please consider that when your deciding what would be best for your kids at this time. Good Luck and Take Care
Lynna Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 I think all the advice given here is pretty good. You need to have a private conversation with her, when the kids are not around. Point out to her all the things that she has done that hurt the children. Tell her that you know how much she is hurting over losing her son and how terrible you know it is, but tell her that if she does not stop that behavior you won't feel comfortable having her around the children. And then follow through on that. You can just tell the kids that Grandma is having some problems and needs some time to deal with them. Don't spend as much time with her, you or the kids. Don't leave her alone with the kids. Don't allow them to stay the night at her house. If she starts doing things you don't like when you are over there, then decide that it is time to leave. Don't invite her over to your new place, always go to her house when you want to give the kids time with her. If you are really concerned about the legalities, you might consider talking to a lawyer, just to protect yourself and your children and to make sure.
Recommended Posts