Joy or Pain?

[dassme]

Why do people stay in relationships when they know it is wrong for them? Is it out of fear of being alone? Or maybe if they do break up with their current BF or GF they may feel it would be a big mistake? I just wonder.

 

For example, I have a friend who's current BF is a complete jerk. He consistently tells her that she is getting fat and she needs to do something about it! There are other times when he's just plain rude. Doesn't treat her right and she always tells me she is lonely because they don't spend time with each other like they use to. They live together but don't really see each other. Different work schedules causes the problems. I know it's none of my business to get my nose into this but I don't ask for it either. They come to me for advice and I try my best to give them some rational explanation. HMMMMMM.....

 

Some logical advice would be helpful because I could only say so much to soothe their pain and hurt.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Why do people stay in relationships when they know it is wrong for them?"

 

Psychology Today Magazine did a study of this question in 1972 and termed the most common reason people stay in any unproductive situation...whether it be a relationship, a job, or whatever...as entrappment.

 

In entrappment, the person fails to extricate himself or herself from the hopeless situation because they are afraid that "tomorrow" is the day things will miraculously get better or totally change.

 

The reason people keep buying lottery tickets, with such terrible odds of winning (usually 1 in 14 million to 60 million), is because they fear that if they don't buy tickets that the next drawing would have been the one their numbers would have come up.

 

People entrap themselves in all kinds of situations all the time. It takes courage to give up, cut your losses and move on. Hope springs eternal and most people in relationships were deeply in love and extremely happy at one time. They long for those times to return and desperately hope that one day they will. They remain in a deteriorated and unpleasant situations because of a deep fear that if they cut things off too early, they would have improved...and even restored to the earlier passionate style...perhaps the very next day after a break up.

 

Eventually time wears these people down. Sometimes it takes years but eventually they tire of waiting day after day for things to improve...when all the while conditions worsen.

 

Of course, there are other reasons people remain in bad relationships and you have sited some of those. But, for the most part, I would tend to agree with the study. Most people are optimists and they just hope against all odds that their relationship will restore itself...and perhaps it would if they won the lottery.

[HokeyReligions]

A million years ago, when I was a teenager, I stayed with a BF for 9 months. After about the second month I wasn't really happy, but I stayed with him because (1) he was tall enough for me to wear my highest heels/platforms and he was still taller than me; and (2) I like to kiss and didn't know who I would kiss if I broke up with him.

 

He broke up with me because he got tired of me saying "no" whenever he suggested sex. It was kind of a relief!

 

Just from your post, it sounds like your friend has low-self esteem, or very low self-confidence and is afraid of being alone. I wouldn't offer advice, just tell her that you are her friend and if she decides to leave him - she won't be alone, she'll still have friends who will stand by her. She'll find someone better.

 

Personally, I wouldnt' stay with anyone who called me a name. I expect respect from my family and friends and I expect to earn that respect - not just have it given automatically. If I feel I've earned it and I don't get it (such as name calling) then I'm gone. I expect myself to have respect for my family and friends too. If I can't have or show respect to them, then there is something wrong and again, I'm gone.