Is my boyfriend cheating or is it all in my head?

[ells_67]

I need some advice ,as well as help to determine what's going on in my relationship. I been with my boyfriend off and on for five years,and we have three kid's together. It all started two weeks after I had my third child. He had changed so much... Acting extremely nice , saying he has to work late,leaving work when he isn't supposed to,caring more about his appearances,being extremely loving toward me... I wondered what was going on.

 

I began to look on the internet,and turn to close friends on signs of cheating. Sure enough all the signs were there,but I thought I was just crazy. I confronted him about certain issues and he would either lie,or get very defensive toward me. He told me if he was going to cheat I would be the first to know. He told me he was being nice to me cause he didn't want to put the pressures of his work on me. I than decided to drop the issue and pursue it no more

 

A week or so went by and he began to act like himself again,the person I really know. Than another thing "e came into the picture,that I was aware of. One of his employees told me it sounds like this has been going on for a long time now,that he may of knew her before he hired her. I ask him if he wants out of our relationship,No.. I asked him if there was something going on with him and her... No....He has lied before.He makes everything so obvious... what does he take me as a fool?....

 

Is he cheating? Whats going on? If he is with her than why can't he be a man, step up to the plate and tell me flat out....happened not long after. He hired this female employee. He called her on a Sunday asked if she could come in Monday to work. Didn't think much than. I asked him...How is she like? Is she pretty? She's alright,nah she's ugly. He smiles and than gets upset. Well Monday comes along and I had went in with him to work to help him out,even though he didn't want me there. Sure enough she wasn't ugly,and exactly the type of female he keeps telling me about thats just perfect for him.

 

Yeah I was a little insecure but more so worried. He told me though he would never cheat on me and I better not either . I would never do it ,he knows it. Ever since she got hired he has been calling her up,and she keeps calling him. It's not normal he has never did that with any of his other employees. Found out he left work early one day to go to her house so she could fill out an application but she wasn't there. That night she called and he called her. He was very impatient when she told him she will call him back cause she had to pick up some medicine. He said to me," I wish she could call me back so I can go to bed after she signs the application" What's taking her so long"

 

He had bought her tea, and now I find out from one of his employees( that I'm friends with )he wanted to know her birthday,so he can get her a card. He has never did any of this for any of his other employees,why now? why this one? He has become very snappy toward me...when I look at him he says," WHAT!!" tells me to stay out of his business. Doesn't want me to use his cell phone anymore,keeps it close by and now he keeps the ringer off at night. Last night I had a chance to look on his phone while he was sleeping. He keeps emailing her on her phone. I have a question to this...do you need a person's email address to send info or can you use phone number too to send email by cell phone? using each others phone Numbers.She called again last night he answered it was brief... Yeah...OK ummm...than he hung up." Got disconnected" ,he says.

 

Than I went through his pockets found receipts,looked at everyone and I found a receipt for super maxi pads...two items. Wasn't mine,cause I bought my own. It was the day he was supposed to work in the morning,and one day before she started. Has he known her for awhile now? He tells me nothings going on. He tells me he doesn't want to end our relationship.

 

He makes things so obvious. Why can't he be a man and tell me he doesn't want to be with me,or he isn't happy...whatever it is why can't he tell me. whats he doing and why, is he doing this to me? He knows I think somethings up.... why still play dumb? What can I do...any advice?

[Tony T]

All the evidence points to cheating and you have found some compelling reasons to believe he has no consideration or respect for you.

 

The only way you can be 100 percent sure he is actually seeing her on the side is for you or a friend to see the two of them together for yourselves...away from work.

 

I would say considering his behavior you have a very sorry relationship. Sit down with him and let him know this new side of him is something you don't like and won't accept. His words and actions don't match.

 

The big question is: Once you find out, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he is cheating on you...what are you going to do about it? Are you prepared or able to leave him with the kids? This is a guy you've been "seeing" on an off for five years and have three kids with. You may need an attorney to draw up papers ensuring he supports those kids in event you split. You also may have to sue him for some money to help you get a new start.

 

Without the legal protections afforded a woman in a marriage, you do your children a great disservice. They need a place to live and food to eat. If you aren't working and you must leave this guy, how will they be taken care of. Screw him, he's a jerk. You need to be concerned with your kid's future because he sure isn't!!!

 

The guy obviously isn't going to tell you why he may be straying. He may just want some new excitement while being totally content with you at home. That's the way it sounds to me...but that's obviously not going to be acceptable to you and I don't blame you.

 

He's a real scumbag.

[ells_67]

Well I still don't know for sure if he was cheating. The girl is finally out of our lives and what a great relief.

I don't really want to believe my boyfriend would ever cheat on me. Could be true.

 

Sit down and talk to him....haha(lol). That would be a difficult thing to do. Every time I try to talk to him about anything he tells me , " F**** shut up"!!

He tells me call someone who cares. If I told him I don't like what I see,or say," I don't like this new side of you and I won't take it" He'll come back and say, " Oh well, than get the f*** out " ," It's not like we're married ," I can do whatever I want"

 

He really needs to get the crap knocked out of him. To beat down this so called ego,controlling,I can do anything I want additude. He really doesn't know how to treat women, and I hope,wish so bad that one day he will get what he deserves. I can't believe I still put up with this crap of his. I'm so much better than this and I believe I deserve to be treated good. The problem is It's like a drug, I can't seem to live without him. If I can just erase him completly, but how? Wish it was easy to forget and move on like nothing has ever happened.

 

I still don't know if he was cheating on me. Though when the time he could have been cheating he wanted sex everyday, and now he is no longer intrested in me, rather he goes to chat rooms or looks at porn. I keep trying to tell myself that there isn't anything wrong with me, but I still feel like there is. When we had sex before he would want to take a shower only the day before she would work. Now, if we have sex he won't shower , now that she's gone. Perhaps he wasn't cheating but had a thing for her. He got really depressed when she left,and just recently started to look and download porn on his cell phone. I'm not ugly,and I always please him,never wants to please me. He likes small girls. That girl was smaller than me and younger too. He likes teens.....just a fantasy I think. He wants to believe that there is a soul mate out there for him. Someone who is so perfect. I think there's no such thing. He wants someone who lets him do anything,no arguing,someone who agrees to everything, same intrests.... He wants his fun,without any attachments.... I stay home,watch the kid's,cook,clean,be a slave to his every needs,and all he does is tell me I'm a B**** Lets me know when and if I do anything wrong,does things that hurts my feelings...It's like he gets pleasure from hurting me,and I see he likes it. I just don't know how to fight back.

 

If I leave I would either end up in a shelter,or I could possiably ask a friend if i could stay with them. I only have one friend and she's in another state. I don't have family to help me out. I would be most likely in a shelter until I can get on my feet somewhat. I done this many times before and I made it fine on my own, but getting over the relationship part is hard.

 

Yeah, he thinks as long as I'm home taking care of the kid's he has nothing to worry about. He has me here while he goes out and plays around.

I don't drive so I can't go out anywhere. He thinks as long as he knows where I'm at.....

 

I wish there was some way I can put him in his place. why is he getting into porn alot recently? It's like he is only with someone for sex and when it gets boring to him he wants something/someone differant. That could be the case. Gets bored with one thing,one person,same thing day in day out and always has to have something new...

 

To much thinking trying to figure out one person...

 

Anyone have any advice ?

[Ally Boo]

Did you know that domestic violence isn't always physical? You can have someone arrested for prank calling your house....and you could DEFINATELY have him put in jail and court ordered to take some classes on respecting females.

 

I know a guy who is going through these classes. Helped him with his homework last night. I wish all guys got this handbook. And now, he is one of the nicest gentlemen I know.

 

This guy is definately abusive to you. Anyone who doesn't completely respect you, and make you feel smart, pretty and worth just as much as they are, isn't worth it. Do him a favor and give him a wake up call.

 

I'm not usually this kind of a person, but I was really impressed by the materials, and I think that jackoffs like this need it. You are doing yourself, him and any other person he comes into contact with...a favor.

[Pookette]

I think that you know that he is cheating on you. The signs are all there. I went through a situation where my ex was cheating on me and ignored the signs. I obviously became very unhappy from this. I think you should use your good judgement and get out of the situation. Especially if he is emotionally abusive towards you.

 

Go out with friends, go check out the singles scene in your area, and get to know some decent, non-abusive, honest guys. You certainly seem to have all the facts and your head is screwed on right. It can be hard, but you can do it! You go girl!

[ells_67]

Ally boo- I didn't know there was such classes that men can take to learn to treat women right. That would be a little hard to do in my case, unless I was to leave. In this state I think for him to be arrested he must be physically abusive.

 

He has lost his temper alot causing destruction to the house,and has raised a hand to me to make me afraid,but never has hit me. Except once he threw a book at me. We live with his brother and his brother always takes his side. He put holes in the wall due to his temper and his brother just blows it off. I personally would get pissed off if someone damaged my house and I would call the cops, even if it was my sister.

 

I would love to put him in his place. He needs to treat me right cause I do deserve it. I treat him good,real good. He needs to take a parenting class too on how to be a father. He never spends time with the kid's and he is always calling my three year old daughter a B*** and he is mean to her alot.He can use some classes. I once took some counseling and asked if he would come along, but he told me I'm the one with the problem,not him.

 

I feel I have tried everything to make things better,but nothing will ever be good enough for him. He wants someone perfect. That to me is a fantasy.

 

No one's perfect. He hurts me and gets pleasure from it. How can anyone get pleasure from hurting someone? Thats just sick. Like he would look at porn and tell me their good, that I'm just ok. That hurts.

 

I would love to put him in his place,but how? I wish someone treated him the way he treats me, just to have him realize how much it hurts. I believe what comes around goes around. He'll get his turn.

 

I'm going to stop making the effort to fix this relationship,focus more on my kid's and me. Just maybe I can work up the strength to leave him and never look back. I wish I could just walk away without feeling anything for him or even think about him. They should invent something to where you can make certain memories disappear.

 

I ask myself all the time why should I care about him when he doesn't care about me? He tells me he doesn't care, he has no insecurities,never would get jealous, to stay out of his business,and the list goes on. He must be a very insecure person ,and he must not feel very good about himself. He says he is happy with who he is but I think he feeds himself lies. A person who is happy with themselves doesn't hurt others . He even makes fun of people. That shows he has problems with himself. He thinks it's funny to make fun of fat people or simply hurt someone else for his own pleasure. He does things that he knows upsets me too.

 

I'm learning to ignore things that he does that hurt me, it's hard . I'm not going to let him get pleasure in hurting me anymore. I want to see how he reacts when I no longer care about his childish ways. I think he does it to get attention most of the time, to reassure himself that he has control and I still love him.

 

Pookette- Yeah I think he was cheating but he will never come out and tell me the truth. It will be very hard to move on.

 

Thanx everyone for the encouragement, and for your advice. Makes me feel really good.

[Ally Boo]

If someone gets arrested for Domestic Violence, they are usually court ordered to take classes on anger management...that are directed towards how you treat women.

 

In many states Domestic Violence is just cursing someone else out.

[yes]

have you no way of moving out along with your kids? do you have a job? relatives or friends to stay with?

 

i think being called a bicth when you're three years old & seeing your "dad" break walls can make some _serious_ damage; it sounds like you need to get out of there FAST, for the sake of the kids if nothing else.

 

that's my view,

-yes

 

PS i think couseling is also usually recommended to people who were in an abusive situation for a long time ...

[quankanne]

lady, what are you sticking around for? no lesson is going to come around fast enough or well enough for someone like him, and in the meantime, you're teaching your kids that it's "okay" to put up with that kind of bullsh*t. He pulls this because he thinks you feel it's all right, since you haven't left yet. Believe me, a woman (or a man) deserves much, much better than this, but until you decide that you're worthy of better treatment and get the hell outta dodge, ain't nothing gonna change. He's going to keep on fooling around, and bad-mouthing you, and you're still gonna be trying to figure out how to "show" him.

[ells_67]

Yes- No I don't have a job,friends around here or family. I have a sister and she lives in OR and I'm in PA. I do have one friend but her phone got disconnected. I have just started counseling once a week on the phone,since I don't have a car to get there. I agree, I do need to get out as soon as I can.

 

Quankanne- I realize I deserve better and that my children shouldn't be in this kind of situation. I'm reaching out and getting the help I need. I'm not putting up with anymore of his crap. As my best friend ,for 11 years, had told me I forgive to much, and I'm just to nice about it.She had told me I'm not the person she use to know. I wouldn't put up with anyone's crap,I wasn't so forgiving,I was so confident and so happy,until I met this guy. I had such high standards and didn't try to please anyone. I need to find myself again and rebuild the person I use to be. I loved that person. It won't be an easy journey,but I'll get there.

 

Ally boo- I been talking to someone at a place called, Women In Need. They deal with domestic Violence,and they help people in my situation. They told me I'm a victim of emotional abuse and not physical abuse,so I can't press charges on him unless he hits me. They have offered free counseling once a week, on the phone ,when he isn't here. also will help me out with other things as well.

[quankanne]

good for you, ells -- the first step is taking charge of the situation, and it sounds like you've done that by the contacts you've made and the counseling you're getting. I didn't mean to come across so harsh, it just bothers me when people try so hard to be fair to others, but end up getting abused, and it sounds like that's what is happening with you. You deserve better than what he's giving, much, much better.

[yes]

Congrats on the beginning!

 

Now, i think the next step is to get a job, or else plan to relocate to where your sister lives.

 

Come on - don't you want to become independent from this bastard? Get your own car, your own place, raise your kids in a healthy env?

 

Best of luck,

-yes

[ells_67]

Quankanne- You didn't come across harsh. I needed it. Thank you.

I agree it isn't fair when other's treat you so bad when all you do is nice things for them. I don't deserve to be treated like sh** , No one does. Why is it that bad things happen to good people?

 

Yes- I am planning on getting a job and day care for my kid's. I want to be very independent.I want to feel good about my life and me, like I once did before. I want to have confidence again, love for myself,and to be happy.

 

Thank you all.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You sound very inspired and I hope you continue to be motivated to do good for yourself. As far as your question is concern, why do bad things happen to good people? Because they do. No one is immune from bad treatment or bad events in their lives. You can minimize how much bad happens to you though if you build yourself up against it. For instance, continue to get counseling on emotional abuse. Go to your local library and read some books on building up your self esteem because your self esteem is low. And bad people can always spot a person that has low self esteem and they get with those people because they can control them and they can dog them. The reason why your boyfriend was doing that to you is because you let him. You may have spoken out against him at times, but as long as you continued to stay with him, you gave him permission to walk on you.

That's not to say that if you stood up to him he would treat you right. You gave him 5 years to walk over you so don't feel that if you put your foot down now, that he's just all of a sudden going to straighten up. This guy is abusive and he needs help. That abuse is HIS problem not yours. If he were with someone else he would probably be the same way. Continue to get your counseling, find yourself a job, or if need be for the time being, seek public assistance. They can help you get on your feet until you get yourself together, even help you find a place to live at. But you need to stop worrying about what he's doing and not doing, and start concentrating on you. Your live revolves too much around this guy and you are lost without him. You need to find yourself, your individuality and your independence.

[toni12]

Originally posted by ells_67 [/hey i know how you feel it took for me to have a child and then loose that child for me to stop putting up with the lies.when you think he is cheating than more than likley he is.just do what i did and leave him.eaither he loves you or he dont.by leaving him you will find out.i left and found out i dont need all the bs from a man when i have kids.

I need some advice ,as well as help to determine what's going on in my relationship. I been with my boyfriend off and on for five years,and we have three kid's together. It all started two weeks after I had my third child. He had changed so much... Acting extremely nice , saying he has to work late,leaving work when he isn't supposed to,caring more about his appearances,being extremely loving toward me... I wondered what was going on.

 

I began to look on the internet,and turn to close friends on signs of cheating. Sure enough all the signs were there,but I thought I was just crazy. I confronted him about certain issues and he would either lie,or get very defensive toward me. He told me if he was going to cheat I would be the first to know. He told me he was being nice to me cause he didn't want to put the pressures of his work on me. I than decided to drop the issue and pursue it no more

 

A week or so went by and he began to act like himself again,the person I really know. Than another thing "e came into the picture,that I was aware of. One of his employees told me it sounds like this has been going on for a long time now,that he may of knew her before he hired her. I ask him if he wants out of our relationship,No.. I asked him if there was something going on with him and her... No....He has lied before.He makes everything so obvious... what does he take me as a fool?....

 

Is he cheating? Whats going on? If he is with her than why can't he be a man, step up to the plate and tell me flat out....happened not long after. He hired this female employee. He called her on a Sunday asked if she could come in Monday to work. Didn't think much than. I asked him...How is she like? Is she pretty? She's alright,nah she's ugly. He smiles and than gets upset. Well Monday comes along and I had went in with him to work to help him out,even though he didn't want me there. Sure enough she wasn't ugly,and exactly the type of female he keeps telling me about thats just perfect for him.

 

Yeah I was a little insecure but more so worried. He told me though he would never cheat on me and I better not either . I would never do it ,he knows it. Ever since she got hired he has been calling her up,and she keeps calling him. It's not normal he has never did that with any of his other employees. Found out he left work early one day to go to her house so she could fill out an application but she wasn't there. That night she called and he called her. He was very impatient when she told him she will call him back cause she had to pick up some medicine. He said to me," I wish she could call me back so I can go to bed after she signs the application" What's taking her so long"

 

He had bought her tea, and now I find out from one of his employees( that I'm friends with )he wanted to know her birthday,so he can get her a card. He has never did any of this for any of his other employees,why now? why this one? He has become very snappy toward me...when I look at him he says," WHAT!!" tells me to stay out of his business. Doesn't want me to use his cell phone anymore,keeps it close by and now he keeps the ringer off at night. Last night I had a chance to look on his phone while he was sleeping. He keeps emailing her on her phone. I have a question to this...do you need a person's email address to send info or can you use phone number too to send email by cell phone? using each others phone Numbers.She called again last night he answered it was brief... Yeah...OK ummm...than he hung up." Got disconnected" ,he says.

 

Than I went through his pockets found receipts,looked at everyone and I found a receipt for super maxi pads...two items. Wasn't mine,cause I bought my own. It was the day he was supposed to work in the morning,and one day before she started. Has he known her for awhile now? He tells me nothings going on. He tells me he doesn't want to end our relationship.

 

He makes things so obvious. Why can't he be a man and tell me he doesn't want to be with me,or he isn't happy...whatever it is why can't he tell me. whats he doing and why, is he doing this to me? He knows I think somethings up.... why still play dumb? What can I do...any advice?

[FreeMe]

ells,

 

You sound like a really good, strong person to me and this guy is definitely abusive and cruel. He's trying to destroy your self worth when he puts you down the way he does. The more he does it, the harder it will be for you to leave. I am so glad you are getting counseling by phone. I think it's a good idea for you to focus on yourself and your children and do what's best for the 4 of you. He's doing so much damage to all of you. You deserve someone who builds you up, not tears you down. You have an important job, raising your children and to do that you need to be a whole person, not one who is being emotionally battered and having to waste energy on what that jerk is doing to you and what's he's doing when he's away from you. Life is too short and valuable to be wasted on people who bring only negativity to your life. You deserve someone who loves you.