forbidden fruit Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Just curious what everyone thinks the mm/mw think after the A has ended wither by them or through NC intiated by OW/OM. I know i am not suppossed to care, but just curious and what do you think they think when you don't care about them anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Well I'll tell you what my guy thought for a fact because he told me this. After we broke up and he had asked for time to himself, as time passed I and I came to my senses I decided I did not want anything more to do with him. So when he would contact me I stopped responding to his emails. So much so that he would send more emails and call and I still avoided them. Well one day I came home and found a box of books, music etc that were mine that I had asked back but he never gave me and along with the box was the nastiest letter that I could imagine where he said some hurtful things, it was totally unlike him to say anything like that and I had never heard him say anything like that but I was still very angry. Just so happened when I got the stuff I had been away for a week so I was to get it a week prior. At all this he called me the exact day I was going to call him (which was when I found the package) to give him heck for the nasty letter and that is when he begged to see me, which also turned out to be D-day. Ok so we meet and we start talking I asked him why the letter and he says the following "after you stopped responding to my emails and calls I was very worried I had lost you for good. I was extremely angry that you could move on just like that without even an explanation (the nerve "explanation" LOL) and I was going crazy at home thinking that you were out with other men and so I really wanted to get your attention and wanted you to call me so I left you that nasty note." He said that it caught him totally off guard that I could drop him just like that, and it made him very angry (basically was saying that my actions were so unpredictible that it caught him where it hurt most) He said he spent days and nights thinking about me and what I was doing and racking his brain trying to figure out why it was so easy for me to get over him. LOL if he only knew.... Sorry I had to explain all the stuff before hand but it was relevant to the story and how I knew what he was thinking for sure... Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Just curious what everyone thinks the mm/mw think after the A has ended wither by them or through NC intiated by OW/OM. I know i am not suppossed to care, but just curious and what do you think they think when you don't care about them anymore? God only knows... All I know is that men are VERY GOOD at compartmentalizing. And (typically) VERY BAD at verbalizing their emotions. So we may never find out the truth. But it is human nature to suffer from a breakup more if you were the "break-ee" rather than the "breaker-upper." Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Just curious what everyone thinks the mm/mw think after the A has ended wither by them or through NC intiated by OW/OM. They think they had their cake and ate it too...and think they got away with it. They are relieved. Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 I broke up with my MM for a short period of time, and he told me at the time he couldn't understand how I could say I love him so much but walk away from him so easily, and he was hurt, confused and a little angry. He also can't understand why there have been times when I haven't believed him because, as he says, he has done more to show me how much he loves me than he has with anyone else in his life. I try to explain to him because he was dishonest once over something so large, how was I supposed to know for sure he was honest in his feelings and intentions. We're sort of at a standstill on this point so we've just agreed to move on from it. And yes, I agree that it has a lot to do with the way men compartmentalize things and look at the small, immediate view and women view the big picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 well... I broke up with my MM for a short while... because he was getting way too attached to me... and he freaked me out... He would call me at home and leave me messages, he was crying like a baby... he lost 13 lbs in a short period of time... he said he couldn't sleep... then I left 2 weeks for Cancun... he said that not one day went by that he didn't cry... he was devastated. When, one night he sent me an email from his BB and told me he was sooo depressed that he was thinking of leaving his wife... he said he couldn't live without me... I freaked... I didn't want him to leave his family, I know he adores his kids... I got scared he would do something he would be soooo sorry after. I don't want him with me and he knows it but he always say that he would do anything for me... and I would eventually fall in love with him... Anyway, we started again... We have discussed this over and over... anyway... he seems OK now... all he wants is to be with me once a week... and he sees me at work as much as he can... (meetings, etc.) then we email every day...and every evening, while watching TV, he texts me on his BB and sometimes for hours. He's been on holidays now... his 3rd week...and he said he had to find a way to see me... so tomorrow, he's suppose to go golfing... ha-hem. I just text him now ... 'Don't forget your golf clubs'... LOL I guess it's different in each case. It depends on why the A ended, who ended it... Link to post Share on other sites
fisherfool Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 I guess it's different in each case. It depends on why the A ended, who ended it... Exactly. It also depends on how long after the affair is over you are talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Well, I'd have to say that from my bad old cakeeater days I can say that when the relationships were over, there was a mix of sadness that the fun was over and relief that my life could finally go back to normal. NC was always a welcome thing. It made things a lot less complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 I think it depends on whether or not the MM is able to be honest with himself, his wife and the OW. If the MM is willing to take responsibility for his actions and truly dig deep to figure out why he had an affair in the first place, he will feel true remorse and be honest with those around him. If he realizes that he loves his wife and wants to make his marriage work, his efforts will be spent fixing what went wrong. In that case, the OW becomes irrelevant and the MM probably has no feelings about whether or not she cares about him. If he finds that he has feelings for the OW and is able to be honest about it with his wife, then the door will open for all three (MM, BW and OW) to move on. If the MM is unable to be honest with himself, I would guess that his ego would be a bit hurt that he no longer has two women to fawn over him, and he may try to get the OW back into the affair or find an OOW to replace her. The truth is, until the MM is willing to face and fix his own problems, he is really only thinking about his wants and needs and only cares about himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 If he realizes that he loves his wife and wants to make his marriage work, his efforts will be spent fixing what went wrong. In that case, the OW becomes irrelevant and the MM probably has no feelings about whether or not she cares about him. If he finds that he has feelings for the OW and is able to be honest about it with his wife, then the door will open for all three (MM, BW and OW) to move on. While I agree that a person who redirects their focus to the marriage after the A is doing everything in their power to make their spouse a priority you cannot say for certain that they actually stop thinking or feeling for the OP. Burrying their emotions does not mean they no longer have them, it just means they have shifted gears into focusing on what matter to them most, saving the marriage. It's all speculation on our parts really. The only person who knows what they really feel regardless of what they show is the cheater. And what's being honest to a BS? Saying what they really think/feel or saying what will get them on their winning track? And the same goes for what a cheater says to the OP, is it what they feel or is it what the OP wants to hear? It's all so vague really. Just knowing that my partner could be thinking of the OP as they make love to me, is enough to let me know I would have no future with a cheater. Heck I wondered if his W crossed my ex's mind while he was making love to me, I can only imagine how hard it must be for her. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 It's all speculation on our parts really. The only person who knows what they really feel regardless of what they show is the cheater. True, you can say that about anything, any relationship and any situation. No one can read minds, so we can never really know what anyone else is thinking. But, at some point you have to put together words and actions and make the choice as to what you think is reality. The only person I can control is myself and I take responsibility for my choices. That's why I say that the OW didn't do anything to me, because I won't give her that kind of control over my life. I also can't control my H and if he really wanted to be with someone else, he would be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 I think it depends on whether or not the MM is able to be honest with himself, his wife and the OW. If the MM is willing to take responsibility for his actions and truly dig deep to figure out why he had an affair in the first place, he will feel true remorse and be honest with those around him. If he realizes that he loves his wife and wants to make his marriage work, his efforts will be spent fixing what went wrong. In that case, the OW becomes irrelevant and the MM probably has no feelings about whether or not she cares about him. If he finds that he has feelings for the OW and is able to be honest about it with his wife, then the door will open for all three (MM, BW and OW) to move on. If the MM is unable to be honest with himself, I would guess that his ego would be a bit hurt that he no longer has two women to fawn over him, and he may try to get the OW back into the affair or find an OOW to replace her. The truth is, until the MM is willing to face and fix his own problems, he is really only thinking about his wants and needs and only cares about himself. So what you are saying is I am irrevelant. He is now 100% focuse on his W and he does not care whether I live or die. The person who told me he loved me and just two weeks ago told me he thinks about screwing me. Now i am supposed to believe he is totally committed to making his marriage work. Somehow I do not think this right and also he has not been honest with her because he never told her about the ea. I am guessing that my xmm falls intot he second category and is waiting to start something up with someone else rather than fiix his marriage let alone himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt & Alone Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 So what you are saying is I am irrevelant. He is now 100% focuse on his W and he does not care whether I live or die. The person who told me he loved me and just two weeks ago told me he thinks about screwing me. Now i am supposed to believe he is totally committed to making his marriage work. Somehow I do not think this right and also he has not been honest with her because he never told her about the ea. I am guessing that my xmm falls intot he second category and is waiting to start something up with someone else rather than fiix his marriage let alone himself. Ironically, I had a conversation with my xmm tonight that dealt with this issue. He had stated that all he is focusing on is fixing his marriage. He does not care that I am hurt and emotionally destroyed "I will just have to learn to get over it". And yes, for any attacks, I am well aware of he BS's feeling. I am just trying to deal with my own emotions at the moment. It is a hard pill to swallow. In the heat of conversation is when I realized what a MF and he is only out to save his own a**. Never thought for a moment this person was capable of inflicting more pain into my life. It is sad truly sad that a man will tell you he loves you and cares about you but wont throw you a life vest as you drown when reality hits home. When it hits home unfortuantly you are irrevelent, I found that out tonight. Now I sit and wait for the BS to contact me again, no reason to make something less than it was. She has the right to know the whole truth. If he does not care that I am having a difficult time and every word he has ever said continually circles in my mind, then why should I make her believe that it was less than what it was. He never fessed up to the 'L' word. By the way, a recent posts on this forum "Care vs. Love" asked xmm if there was a difference to him. He stated yes and went into the two different meanings. He has used both with me. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 So what you are saying is I am irrevelant. He is now 100% focuse on his W and he does not care whether I live or die. The person who told me he loved me and just two weeks ago told me he thinks about screwing me. Now i am supposed to believe he is totally committed to making his marriage work. Somehow I do not think this right and also he has not been honest with her because he never told her about the ea. I am guessing that my xmm falls intot he second category and is waiting to start something up with someone else rather than fiix his marriage let alone himself. This is pretty dramatic...He probably would be sad if you died and reminisce about your time together... But really FF, if you're going to try and move on in your M and live with him next door, you probably need to stop thinking about his thoughts and feelings so much and think more about yours...What are your thoughts about everything that's happened? Are you fully committed to making your M work? Have you been totally honest with your spouse? You're making alot of accusations about him, but what about you? I mean this totally respectfully and constructively...I know you've struggled with this for a long time... And quite frankly, I think you really want to start back up with him again...And if you do, that's your choice...Just be honest with yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 This is pretty dramatic...He probably would be sad if you died and reminisce about your time together... But really FF, if you're going to try and move on in your M and live with him next door, you probably need to stop thinking about his thoughts and feelings so much and think more about yours...What are your thoughts about everything that's happened? Are you fully committed to making your M work? Have you been totally honest with your spouse? You're making alot of accusations about him, but what about you? I mean this totally respectfully and constructively...I know you've struggled with this for a long time... And quite frankly, I think you really want to start back up with him again...And if you do, that's your choice...Just be honest with yourself... Just curious why you think I want to start up with him again? I have been putting lately into my m than ever before. I really want to fall back in love with my H and have those feelings I had for xmm. My H deserves that and judging from all of my xmm actions he does not. My xmm seems like he is avoiding so that maybe is why I want to talk to him. One minute he is nice and civil and the next he is mad at me. I just can't figure him out and maybe I never will. Being honest with you GL I still care about what he thinks and I am wondering when that will go away? Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Just curious why you think I want to start up with him again? I have been putting lately into my m than ever before. I really want to fall back in love with my H and have those feelings I had for xmm. My H deserves that and judging from all of my xmm actions he does not. My xmm seems like he is avoiding so that maybe is why I want to talk to him. One minute he is nice and civil and the next he is mad at me. I just can't figure him out and maybe I never will. Being honest with you GL I still care about what he thinks and I am wondering when that will go away? I still care about what he thinks and I am wondering when that will go away? When will you stop carinng about what he think's? When you start caring more about how your H think's and feel's. He had his cake and got away with FF just like most of them do. Contiune to work on thing's with H. Forget xmm, he's not worth it! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 An affair is often more than a one night stand. If it's a bona fide relationship, the end can be as unpleasant as the end of any romantic entanglement: pain, sorrow, need, relief, anxiety, etc. Often, even more so. When affairs end, one normally does not get much support or sympathy. If you're single, you go back to the single life. And if you're married, you try to reconnect with your BS , while working through the grief of losing a lover, a friend and a companion. Those factors that make affairs so intense--the forbidden, fantasy isolation and that affair "bubble"--also make affair endings that much more painful to endure. Karma. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Ff, for your sake and the sake of your marriage you need to get to the place where you simply do not care about mm, his wife, his marriage, whether he'll go on to another woman after you or anything else about him. Please, if you can when you read a general statement about the state of mind about a mm after the a is over, please try not to internalize it. Hn did not mean anything negative towards you. I know you are hurting and moving away from pain is very difficult. But for the most part the people on these boards really do want to help. I'm glad that you don't still want to be with the mm, but sometimes the tone of your posts, and the way he consumes you still does lead one to believe that your focus is on him and his wife far more than it is on your h and your marriage. We're all rooting for you to get past the past and move on into the future. If you want to fall back in Love with your husband, hten focus on him. Tell him you want to spend some special time together. Make plans to do romantic things. Play together. Don't just do the humdrum stuff with him. Be exciting so you can be excited! Hugs to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 An affair is often more than a one night stand. If it's a bona fide relationship, the end can be as unpleasant as the end of any romantic entanglement: pain, sorrow, need, relief, anxiety, etc. Often, even more so. When affairs end, one normally does not get much support or sympathy. If you're single, you go back to the single life. And if you're married, you try to reconnect with your BS , while working through the grief of losing a lover, a friend and a companion. Those factors that make affairs so intense--the forbidden, fantasy isolation and that affair "bubble"--also make affair endings that much more painful to endure. Karma. I have tried to convey this idea on here a hundred times before and never succeeded. How perfectly succint. Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Thanks, Cliche. Live and learn, I say. Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Thanks, Cliche. Live and learn, I say. Unfortunately, the learning stops the same day the living does. And damn these tough lessons. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Just curious why you think I want to start up with him again? Truth? From reading between the lines in your posts, you care immensely what he thinks and why he does the things he does-NOT GOOD for your M... You seem extremely angry with the W and the fact that he is staying with her for money and didn't choose you and your R with him...It really seems like if he left, you believe you would be riding into the sunset together...You wouldn't be focusing on your M at all, you'd be ending it... Someone who is focused on their M and their H, can't be wondering all the time why someone is trying to talk to them or not talk to them or what every action they make means...That's just too much caring about someone that is supposed to be out of the picture... And I just think that you really need to be honest with yourself...Are you focusing on your M because MM chose his? Or do you honestly love your H and want to make your M work? Because if you love your H and really want to make it work, you need to concentrate on what he's doing and thinking and what his actions mean... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Just curious why you think I want to start up with him again? I have been putting lately into my m than ever before. I really want to fall back in love with my H and have those feelings I had for xmm. My H deserves that and judging from all of my xmm actions he does not. I think you want to start up with the MM again because of this thread you started. You seem to be more worried about what the MM is doing than what is going on in your marriage. If you feel your xMM does not deserve your feelings then stop sending energy his way and send it your husband's way. My xmm seems like he is avoiding so that maybe is why I want to talk to him. One minute he is nice and civil and the next he is mad at me. I just can't figure him out and maybe I never will. Being honest with you GL I still care about what he thinks and I am wondering when that will go away? He's avoiding you so you want to talk to him? He is probably avoiding you because he wants to work on his marriage. Stop trying to figure him out and go on with your life. Obviously if he told you he loves you he does not mean it or he would have left his wife and demanded you leave your H and you guys would be together. It sounds like you are not in love with your h and if that's the case maybe you should consider letting him go and leave yourself open for someone single who you can love. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I know that during the dying months of our A and my half hearted attempts at NC, my exMM found things pretty difficult to deal with. Feelings of jealousy (over the fact that I could meet someone else if I wanted), feelings of guilt over what he had done to his family AND what he was putting me through, missing me, etc. In some ways NC was harder for him as he didn't really have anyone to talk to about our R, only one member of his family who had been in my position herself so understood. However, once we were properly over, he was the stronger one of the two of us. 12 months later, well, 10 months since the real ending (and guilty feelings on his part over the total emotional mess I was in), he has moved on and, to be honest, I doubt he gives me a second thought in any romantic way. He, IMO, was the main cause of everyone's grief (and I am denying my part in it whatsoever!) and seems to have got off lighter than anyone else involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 He, IMO, was the main cause of everyone's grief (and I am denying my part in it whatsoever!) and seems to have got off lighter than anyone else involved. The married man has the benefit of an existential safety net: wife and kids, and all the legitimacy that entails. Ironically, the family, which he betrayed, helps cushion the blows. Life's a bitch, isn't it? As for the OW, well, she has her cat, perhaps a friend or two and her therapist. I have similar feelings about my MW. She engineered the affair, and then returned to the arms of her husband and kids. Life can be unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
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