What does the mm/mw think after A is over?

[Shades of Grey]

Yeah, me and my girlfriends were actually thinking of printing up T-shirts which read the following and then going out on the town:

 

Do not approach me if any of the following apply:

1) You are married with children

2) You are married without children

3) You are married with children on the way

4) You are "separated" but still living with your wife which means you are still married and technically not separated, you jackass! Look it up in a legal dictionary.

 

Um, oops. I still have a little anger left. Its getting better everyday though. You have no idea how many of us are approached by married men everyday. It's absolutely disgusting.

 

If you get them please order one for me. Unfortunately I have every idea!! Grrrr

[Cheesecake]

I'll put your order in for a T-shirt. LOL. But in all seriousness, to IWWH's comment, I wish there was a public website you could go to to see the marital status of the men/women who I'm willing to bet, 9 times out of 10, mislead people in the beginning into thinking they are legally separated and/or divorced. That is what happened to me and it has happened to several of my friends as well. I'm still trying to understand why you can't get this information in New York, yet you can see what people own, how much their property is worth, how much of their mortgage is left, how old they are, what the favorite kind of underwear is, etc. I'm writing a letter to Bloomberg and Spitzer. Gulliani wouldn't understand - he wound up with his OW, so apparrently things do work out sometimes. LOL.

 

Got to run to work. Chat with you ladies latter.

[Lookingforward]

ABSOLUTELY!!! - Even if he is separated and living away from the marital home. It's not over until it's OVER.

 

I didn't go through the soul searching and pain of a divorce to end up with a MM

[IfWishesWereHorses]

ABSOLUTELY!!! - Even if he is separated and living away from the marital home. It's not over until it's OVER.

 

I didn't go through the soul searching and pain of a divorce to end up with a MM

 

Good for you!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'll put your order in for a T-shirt. LOL. But in all seriousness, to IWWH's comment, I wish there was a public website you could go to to see the marital status of the men/women who I'm willing to bet, 9 times out of 10, mislead people in the beginning into thinking they are legally separated and/or divorced. That is what happened to me and it has happened to several of my friends as well. I'm still trying to understand why you can't get this information in New York, yet you can see what people own, how much their property is worth, how much of their mortgage is left, how old they are, what the favorite kind of underwear is, etc. I'm writing a letter to Bloomberg and Spitzer. Gulliani wouldn't understand - he wound up with his OW, so apparrently things do work out sometimes. LOL.

 

Got to run to work. Chat with you ladies latter.

 

I have NEVER come across a probate site that lists divorces. One thing that is usually telling is that if the divorce is final then the marital home is either sold or changed into one of their names. That IS usually found in probate, but depending on how often the records are updated it might be awhile.

 

Most property tax sites list a selling history. When you have a couple listed then only one you can be pretty sure that the divorce is final.

[Lookingforward]

I saw someone post in a chatroom one day that being separated online translates to 'my S is in the kitchen'

 

ROFL

[East of Jupiter]

While I agree that a person who redirects their focus to the marriage after the A is doing everything in their power to make their spouse a priority you cannot say for certain that they actually stop thinking or feeling for the OP. Burrying their emotions does not mean they no longer have them, it just means they have shifted gears into focusing on what matter to them most, saving the marriage.

 

It's all speculation on our parts really. The only person who knows what they really feel regardless of what they show is the cheater.

 

 

And what's being honest to a BS? Saying what they really think/feel or saying what will get them on their winning track? And the same goes for what a cheater says to the OP, is it what they feel or is it what the OP wants to hear?

 

It's all so vague really.

 

Just knowing that my partner could be thinking of the OP as they make love to me, is enough to let me know I would have no future with a cheater. Heck I wondered if his W crossed my ex's mind while he was making love to me, I can only imagine how hard it must be for her.

 

You are wise and fair.

 

I did worry about him thinking of OW. Only not THE OW. You see, his phone/cyber sex always included me. How do I know? She told me so. You see in the threesome fantasy of his, I'm the main person and he needed me there to make it work.

 

What I had to grapple with was does he have to think of other women to be with me. It took a long time to unravel that one but I came to understand that it worked the other way around. He could not think of other women when with me or he could not perform.

[East of Jupiter]

I have NEVER come across a probate site that lists divorces. One thing that is usually telling is that if the divorce is final then the marital home is either sold or changed into one of their names. That IS usually found in probate, but depending on how often the records are updated it might be awhile.

 

Most property tax sites list a selling history. When you have a couple listed then only one you can be pretty sure that the divorce is final.

 

 

You donm't have to go through tax or probate records. It depends on the state, but in many states (mine for exampole) they have public records searches, free. I did research as part of my job. Where I live, I can look up family records which will include divorces as well as any type of court document (liens, mortages, settlement agreements). I can also look up marriage applications by name. I can even look up DL records if I have a dob.

 

If you pay for the premium services, you can actually get a lot more. This is all from the clerk of court.

 

This is not possible in smaller towns and some states with restrictive public information laws.

 

But you can go into the court and pull these records as well.

[East of Jupiter]

but don't you have people around that love you? We all do I know I certainly do and I am not married. I have a big family and lots of friends. I am totally good in that respect I really don't feel alone. And I thank god for that every day.

 

My ex, it's just he and his W, she has limited family here and does not get along so not close at all. He has no family here at all.

 

I agree on the children comment. I think kids can brighten anyone's day. some men are too disconnected from their children, yes they love them to death and they would do anything for them but they are disconnected and in the wrong frame of mind they may just turn out to be a burden for them. Some men appreciate the aspect of the As where they can get away from having to deal with the duties that their children demand. I hate to make a generalization but you cannot argue that women tend to have a different connection with their children than men do. I am not saying it is ALL or always like that but in some cases.

 

In my particular case there were no children so full on face reality mode for him.

 

And one last thought:

 

in the case of these marriages that are trying to recover from the A in the early stages the BS is NOT going to make the cheater feel very loved so I don't know about that theory that you have all these people around you that make you feel loved, plus not to mention if family/friends know that you cheated on your spouse you might even make some enemies...I see it as not that good all around.

 

Actually TC there is a "honeymoon" period after DD. A couple is likely to have more sex and proably the most passionate of their lives. That certainly was our case. It was not until later that the anger set in.

 

And in reading your response on the MM and kids, I see how I myself project my experience as a child onto others' affairs. You described my father and it is obviously even now a trigger and he has been gone for six years. Amazing the human heart, eh?

 

I pray that no child feels as I did. I internalized my father's cruelty to my father and my heart was always twisted between hate and love for him.

[East of Jupiter]

"cruelty to my mother" correction.

[9Lives]

I felt that way when we ended things 6 weeks ago - upset that he had his family and I had just myself. But that's not really true. Luckily, I have amazing friends and family who knew the situation and have been absolutely wonderful and supportive.

 

Anyway, I'm willing to bet that OW/OM may feel more pain when the affair first ends (and GOD is it painful ), and like many you have said, MM/MW will go back to their family and pretend that there are no issues and will be somewhat relieved that the additional pressure is off. However, as time goes by, and reality sets in, the MM/MW will realize that nothing has changed, that they are still in their same miserable situation, and they will start to miss the intimacy they once had while we OW/OM are free to do as we please and see who we please, without having to worry that we're doing something that can potentially hurt people we supposedly love. And I'll be damned if I ever date another man who claims he is "separated". I'm not going through this again. If he's divorced, I want to see papers.

 

Cheesecake,

 

These are the thoughts that I have right now and I agree with you about how the break up plays out. I feel like he is relieved right now but his issue in his M are still there. He has struggled with it for a long time. Yes I do feel like I am left to deal with this by myself. As we speak, he is at his family reunion having a good time with his family and I am here trying to keep the tears from falling. I dont know how I feel about him...I still think about him all the time. I feel like I ran him off which is at the end of the day a good thing. I still have pain and hurt inside so I dont really know where all my thoughts lie. I just dont know.

[PoshPrincess]

As we speak, he is at his family reunion having a good time with his family and I am here trying to keep the tears from falling.

 

9Lives, don't believe that for a second! He is most probably having a cr*p time and wishing he was there with you. You can take that from it, if nothing else.

 

My exMMs W threw a 40th b/day party for him last year, after we'd finished, and I was SO jealous when I found out, stupidly because I had thought that by then WE would be together and I would be the one throwing the party for him (duh!) He told me that, yes, he did have a good time (he dind't sound too enthusiastic), but would've had just as good a time if she wasn't there (probably better). At the end of the day, it's quite good to hear that they suffer, although no where near as much as us and, before I get bashed, definitely nowhere near as much as the BS!*

 

*(Feel like I keep having to add that disclaimer!)

[9Lives]

As we speak, he is at his family reunion having a good time with his family and I am here trying to keep the tears from falling.

 

9Lives, don't believe that for a second! He is most probably having a cr*p time and wishing he was there with you. You can take that from it, if nothing else.

 

My exMMs W threw a 40th b/day party for him last year, after we'd finished, and I was SO jealous when I found out, stupidly because I had thought that by then WE would be together and I would be the one throwing the party for him (duh!) He told me that, yes, he did have a good time (he dind't sound too enthusiastic), but would've had just as good a time if she wasn't there (probably better). At the end of the day, it's quite good to hear that they suffer, although no where near as much as us and, before I get bashed, definitely nowhere near as much as the BS!*

 

*(Feel like I keep having to add that disclaimer!)

 

Well okay. I read something today that explains to me why I suffer so much over this bulls/hit. For one I should have not given him my all when he was not doing the same. He was my everything.

 

I just feel like it is my fault we are not together anymore and I know it is wrong for me to feel this way. I feel like if I would have done things differently I would not be where I am today. I could be wrong but that is how I feel. (sigh)

[PoshPrincess]

Well okay. I read something today that explains to me why I suffer so much over this bulls/hit. For one I should have not given him my all when he was not doing the same. He was my everything.

 

I just feel like it is my fault we are not together anymore and I know it is wrong for me to feel this way. I feel like if I would have done things differently I would not be where I am today. I could be wrong but that is how I feel. (sigh)

 

I felt exactly the same. In some ways I still do. I still think "what if....." about every little thing that happened but thinking like that ain't gonna change anything! I wonder if it was because I kept going back on NC all the time, that he got so p*ssed off with me blowing hot and cold all the time, but I really have no answers.

 

I think that's the problem with us women. We seem to analyse everything far too much.

[9Lives]

I felt exactly the same. In some ways I still do. I still think "what if....." about every little thing that happened but thinking like that ain't gonna change anything! I wonder if it was because I kept going back on NC all the time, that he got so p*ssed off with me blowing hot and cold all the time, but I really have no answers.

 

I think that's the problem with us women. We seem to analyse everything far too much.

 

 

It is funny you say that...he said he was tired of the blowing hot and cold all the time too. He said that. Hmmm...I dont know. Maybe I should have stuck to the NC instead of playing the game. You know what I mean. I was on and off all the time.

[comicgirl]

I had a 4 and 1/2 month affair with my best friends husband. It was a very flirty friendship from the get go and we went out and had sex everywhere. We only hooked up 7 times though. We never said that we loved each other. Our rules at the beginning were to end up friends still when it was over. he told me last week that he is in love with his wife and he isn't doing right by her or his kids by doing something that is wrong. I didn't say anything while he spoke but only after he was done did I ask him if he felt better. he said no. the next day i ran into him at the gas station and he acted like we were all happy buddies but still said it was over even after I asked him to change his mind. i asked him if i could kiss him one last time and he said no cause he might lose control. did that mean he wanted me still or was going to hit me or something. then he said he sees me at their house soon because i was fun or something like that. it kills me to see him. he acts like nothing is wrong or ever happened. he hasn't called me at all to see if i am okay or anything. he is also a drunk by the way. what do i do now? will he change his mind?

[TogetherForever]

comicgirl,You need to move on already. He's with someone & doesn't want to continue the sex fling he had with you.Move on & find a single guy.TF

[whichwayisup]

I had a 4 and 1/2 month affair with my best friends husband. It was a very flirty friendship from the get go and we went out and had sex everywhere. We only hooked up 7 times though. We never said that we loved each other. Our rules at the beginning were to end up friends still when it was over. he told me last week that he is in love with his wife and he isn't doing right by her or his kids by doing something that is wrong. I didn't say anything while he spoke but only after he was done did I ask him if he felt better. he said no. the next day i ran into him at the gas station and he acted like we were all happy buddies but still said it was over even after I asked him to change his mind. i asked him if i could kiss him one last time and he said no cause he might lose control. did that mean he wanted me still or was going to hit me or something. then he said he sees me at their house soon because i was fun or something like that. it kills me to see him. he acts like nothing is wrong or ever happened. he hasn't called me at all to see if i am okay or anything. he is also a drunk by the way. what do i do now? will he change his mind?

 

You might want to start your own thread, that way you can get the help you need..I'll answer when you make your thread as to answer on this one is thread jacking on someone else's thread.

[CAT100]

Yes it would be better if this was a new thread. In the meantime though, your best friends husband??? Omg! Thats really not good!

You stand to lose your best friend if she finds out. And friends, especially your best friend are very valuable and are often around for longer than men.

I think you need to forget it, hes made it clear he regrets what happened. Dont try to get in touch with him, if you have to see him & he brings it up just be cool about it- say you also agree it was mistake & you want to forget the whole thing. Dont be clinging on otherwise you'll look desperate.

I dont mean to be harsh but I think your best friends husband should have been a total no-go. But now you can do damage limitation- dont attempt to start it up again or it could get very very messy

[Mustang Sally]

Yes it would be better if this was a new thread. In the meantime though, your best friends husband??? Omg! Thats really not good!

You stand to lose your best friend if she finds out. And friends, especially your best friend are very valuable and are often around for longer than men.

I think you need to forget it, hes made it clear he regrets what happened. Dont try to get in touch with him, if you have to see him & he brings it up just be cool about it- say you also agree it was mistake & you want to forget the whole thing. Dont be clinging on otherwise you'll look desperate.

I dont mean to be harsh but I think your best friends husband should have been a total no-go. But now you can do damage limitation- dont attempt to start it up again or it could get very very messy

Ok......

I gotta say what I was trying to bite my tongue over.....

Why does it being the "best friend's" husband make it any worse than anyone else's husband?

 

I mean, really?

 

Ok.

I'm totally done with this now.

[CAT100]

^ Thats such a ridiciculous comment, it barely deserves an answer!

I dont KNOW my MMs wife

Im not her FRIEND

Im not meant to be LOYAL to her

I dont help her out when she has problems & do all the things that a FRIEND does

She doesnt TRUST me, I havent SHATTERED HER TRUST, as I am a stranger to her

She hasnt lost a BEST FRIEND who is meant to be on her side

 

Just because Im an OW doesnt mean I have no morals & I would NEVER go there with a friends husband, even ex husband

 

My situation is TOTALLY different, I dont KNOW his W, I am no one to her & although she will be angry at me, its not personal- I havent hurt someone who I actually know & am meant to be loyal to

 

Really I think your comment is the most ridiculous thing Ive heard in a long time

[Impudent Oyster]

First is fear. Fear that your wife will find out, that she will leave.

 

Second is shame and humiliation. That you've lied and deceived and done something so out of character.

 

Third is anger. Anger at yourself for what you've done. Anger at your wife for placing other things ahead of you because at least for awhile you convince yourself that if she hadn't done that you wouldn't have done this, and anger at the other woman for not remaining the fantasy that she started out as because at least for awhile you convince yourself that it was all her fault for leading you into this.

 

And finally is relief. Relief that the lying and hiding and sneaking is over.

 

This (and any other response from an actual MM) is the only response here that counts. All the rest is pure speculation and heresay repeated from the lips of liars.

 

Unless the answer came from an actual MM, you can disregard it.

[Impudent Oyster]

As we speak, he is at his family reunion having a good time with his family and I am here trying to keep the tears from falling.

 

9Lives, don't believe that for a second! He is most probably having a cr*p time and wishing he was there with you. You can take that from it, if nothing else.

 

My exMMs W threw a 40th b/day party for him last year, after we'd finished, and I was SO jealous when I found out, stupidly because I had thought that by then WE would be together and I would be the one throwing the party for him (duh!) He told me that, yes, he did have a good time (he dind't sound too enthusiastic), but would've had just as good a time if she wasn't there (probably better). At the end of the day, it's quite good to hear that they suffer, although no where near as much as us and, before I get bashed, definitely nowhere near as much as the BS!*

 

*(Feel like I keep having to add that disclaimer!)

 

IF exMM is suffering so, and wishes his wife "wasn't there", then why on earth is he still married to her?

 

Does this even make sense to you??????

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Its such a coincidence that there is a thread on the Infidelity board about a woman whose H has been having an affair with her best friend.

 

Have you read that thread to give you an extra perspective?

[Mustang Sally]

Really I think your comment is the most ridiculous thing Ive heard in a long time

And you are certainly entitled to have and to voice that opinion.

 

I think your answer to my question speaks loudly for itself.

 

And I also agree with Impudent that only the MM's answer (which I found refreshingly honest and unapologetic) is valid. The rest (that of BS or other OW) is just speculation.

 

Kudos, Impudent.

 

And now, back to our regular programming...