My fiance's ex had an abortion and he told me. I wish I didn't know. What now?

[EricaS]

My fiance (he's 29 and I am 28) recently confessed to me that several years ago, his ex-girlfriend had an abortion while they were together (it was his). He and I have always been very honest with one another about our pasts and he felt that he needed to share this with me and we are going to be married soon and he has never shared this with anyone.

 

This woman is no longer involved in his life at all, but she did the abortion without his permission (he is against abortion) and he felt that he needed to talk about it with someone that he trusts. That person ended up being me.

 

I am glad that he trusts me so much to share this with me, but at the same time I almost wish I didn't know. It feels as this has now become MY burden, as well as his, and it's tearing me up. I feel sorry for him that he had to go thru this, but now I am plagued with this information. I am heartbroken that the man I am about to marry and have a family with impregnated another woman, even if it ended. Just the idea that this baby existed at one point in time tears me up and I can't explain why. I find myself crying at random times, having nightmares, and not wanting to be initimate with my fiance. Just seeing a pregnant woman now makes me feel sad and upset. I have continued to support my fiance and I told him point blank that I am not upset with him, I am here for him, and he can come to me. I don't want to make him feel worse, so I cry in private and do my best to put on a happy face in front of him.

 

I can't quite explain why I feel this way, but I want to understand it so I can make these feelings go away. Has anyone been in this situation before? Does anyone have any input as to why I am feeling this way or how to cope?

[allina]

Not all people are going to feel the same way as you about abortion. Try to realize that this was his ex's choice to make and that it has nothing to do with you.

 

I don't know why it's affecting you so much, maybe because like many pro-lifers you are seeing the abortion as something that would have become your bf's baby, I don't know. Maybe if you try understanding other views on the subject it will help you. Also are you sure he wasn't in support of the abortion and is just telling you he didn't know? That part sounds fishy to me.

[IpAncA]

I'm confused why this is affecting you. If anything it would bother him more.

 

Do you two plan on having children?

[tinktronik]

I'm confused why this is affecting you. If anything it would bother him more.

 

Do you two plan on having children?

I am aslo confused as to why this would effect you . It happened in the past when you were'nt around and has nothing what-so-ever to do with you.

[Lynna]

Okay, think about it this way. Did you know previously that they had had sex? How did you feel about that? How much did that bother you?

 

How would you feel if the child had been born and they had still broken up? Would you have dated him if you knew that he had a child with another woman? If not, examine for yourself why not? How would you have felt if there had been a miscarriage?

 

If you WOULD still have dated him despite the fact that he had a child with someone else, then you need to ask yourself WHY you feel so strongly about knowing there was an abortion? Are you allowing your objection to abortion color your feelings toward your fiance? If so, why?

 

Ask yourself, does having this knowledge make him a different person? Does it make your relationship any different? Do you love him less because of this? Why do you not want to be intimate with him, that has nothing to do with the abortion? Are you afraid of getting pregnant? Are you afraid of how he will act if you do?

 

It sounds like he is being completely honest with you, otherwise he would have never have told you about it in the first place. You need to be honest with him and talk to him about how much trouble you are having in dealing with the information. You get some counseling right away, this situation should NOT be affecting you this much. This situation had nothing to do with you and should not be causing you this much confusion and pain. There is something seriously wrong going on here, some fear or some experience that you need to examine. Counseling will help you do that constructively. You might also consider talking with a minister if you have religious reasons for objecting to abortion.

[EricaS]

First of all, I think I need to clarify that I don't stand one on side or the other when it comes to abortion. This isn't a pro-life or pro-choice dilemma for me.

 

I think I am affected by this because my future husband impregnanted someone else. Yes, I know that it was before he met me and everything like that, but it's just the fact that this little person existed at some point. He and I plan on having children (we both want several) and I can't really explain why this bothers me. Perhaps it's because now when I imagine the time when he and I are starting a family, that vision is clouded by the knowledge that he (at one time) had done this to someone else, even if the circumstances are different now.

 

I know this sounds ridiculous but I can't explain it.

[allina]

First of all, I think I need to clarify that I don't stand one on side or the other when it comes to abortion. This isn't a pro-life or pro-choice dilemma for me.

 

I think I am affected by this because my future husband impregnanted someone else. Yes, I know that it was before he met me and everything like that, but it's just the fact that this little person existed at some point. He and I plan on having children (we both want several) and I can't really explain why this bothers me. Perhaps it's because now when I imagine the time when he and I are starting a family, that vision is clouded by the knowledge that he (at one time) had done this to someone else, even if the circumstances are different now.

 

I know this sounds ridiculous but I can't explain it.

 

Oh, sorry, I got it wrong. I thought you were hurting over it because you opposed abortion and felt like this would have been his baby, which would have been your step kid.

 

So is it a sort of jealousy thing?

[a4a]

Perhaps it is because you are disappointed he already shared these types of moments(pregnancy not the abortion part) that you thought would have been reserved for only you as his wife?

 

So now it takes away the "special" part of that?

[allina]

One that is so quick to judge and is so emotional over a topic usually DOES NOT comprehend quickly.

She never made it sound at all like a pro-life thing whatsoever.

 

Comprehension isn't a problem for me. To me her post does sound like she is very pro life and the act of the abortion was hurting her. As soon as she posted clarifying that this was not the case I corrected myself.

[Lynna]

Okay, so you are jealous of this other woman, of the pregnancy, and of the unborn child. Yes, you really need to think about some counseling here to figure out how to deal with these emotions as they are affecting your relationship very badly and have the potentional of causing you problems again when you get pregnant. And you definitely need to tell him what you are feeling, it is not fair to keep this from him. You need it out in the open so that it does not fester. You don't want to start resenting him over this.

 

Remember this, he chose YOU, he proposed to YOU. YOU are the one that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. YOU are the one that he wants to be the mother of his children. You said this was his ex-girlfriend so I assume he was not engaged to her. That means he has more of a connection with YOU! He loves you and trusts you enough that he told you about this because he felt you had the right to know and because he still feels so badly about it. He told you about it out of love. Don't let jealousy destroy that love.

[whichwayisup]

It feels as this has now become MY burden, as well as his, and it's tearing me up.

 

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? When you're married, problems become shared, serious ones and not so serious ones....Seems this is your own issue and maybe you need to talk to a therapist or something to help you cope. Remember too, his past is his past. He was honest and upfront with you.

 

It is awful that she had an abortion, but obviously she wasn't ready for it, not capable of being a mom yet. And, I doubt very much it was planned. Maybe the condom broke.

[IpAncA]

First of all, I think I need to clarify that I don't stand one on side or the other when it comes to abortion. This isn't a pro-life or pro-choice dilemma for me.

 

I think I am affected by this because my future husband impregnanted someone else. Yes, I know that it was before he met me and everything like that, but it's just the fact that this little person existed at some point. He and I plan on having children (we both want several) and I can't really explain why this bothers me. Perhaps it's because now when I imagine the time when he and I are starting a family, that vision is clouded by the knowledge that he (at one time) had done this to someone else, even if the circumstances are different now.

 

I know this sounds ridiculous but I can't explain it.

 

I'm sorry but lost still. I kind of see what your saying but it shouldn't affect your feelings in being intimate with him. Things happend and I really wouldn't hold this against him. Not saying you are but you sound like your hurt by the idea that he did this. Would you feel the same way if the child was kept or is it the idea that he got someone else pregnant that wasn't you?

 

I don't know. I guess you could use this as reassurance that he CAN have children if you both choose to that route.

 

It's sad IMO what happend but it's the past. Time to move forward.

 

Did he say why he mentioned this? Is this bothering him?

[Mr. Lucky]

I find myself crying at random times, having nightmares, and not wanting to be initimate with my fiance. Just seeing a pregnant woman now makes me feel sad and upset. I have continued to support my fiance and I told him point blank that I am not upset with him, I am here for him, and he can come to me. I don't want to make him feel worse, so I cry in private and do my best to put on a happy face in front of him.

My concern is simply about the degree of your reaction. Crying jags, nightmares and not wanting to be intimate with your fiancee? This hypothetical issue is but a bump in the road compared to some of the problems that you could face during your life together - finances, illness, alienation, children, relocation, family and in-law issues, fidelity, etc. I hope you have the emotional maturity to sustain a marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky