Getting my life back on track after years of self destruction

[spookie]

I don't know if this is an appropriate place to post this, but I really like LS. The advice is superb, the caliber of intelligence of the posters impressive... so here goes.

 

I'm 21 years old, and for the past 3 years I have been a complete waste of space.

 

I'm not being too hard on myself. This is, simply, the truth.

 

For the past three years, I've been "away at college", allegedly majoring in math with the intention of becoming an actuary, but all I've really done was smoke a LOT of pot, drink to excess, and have relationship problems, pregnancy scares, and one abortion.

 

Literally, in three years, that's all I've done.

 

I know how fortunate I am to have been offered the opportunity to get a great education, how stupid I am to have thrown it away. I don't know what the hell my problem is. I was depressed - but likely only because I wasn't doing anything productive. Anyway, I'm not looking for sympathy or criticism, but advice.

 

I need advice on how to get my life back together. Right now, I am at home for the summer, where I have been detoxing. I haven't smoked pot, drank, done drugs, or talked to my poisonous ex for two months, and I finally feel SANE. At the same time, I am extremely aware of the fact that I have a VERY deep hole to dig myself out of.

 

I still want to be an actuary, but because I didn't mind failing most of my classes, my GPA stands at a dismal 2.5 (and it's only that high because of AP exam scores for which I received graded credit).

 

If I choose to finish the math/ act sci degree, I'll be in school for at least 1.5 more years... something I am not really interested in doing.

 

However, I accidentally managed to almost complete a BA in Economics... one more class to go. It's kind of ironic that a respectable institution would actually award *me* a degree in economics (I literally attended a maximum of two class meetings in the subject) ... but whatever. I can graduate this December, but my GPA will still be a 2.5... so in order to find actuarial employment, I'm going to have to get really creative about finding a way to stand out from my highly intelligent AND motivated competition.

 

My best idea is to attempt to pass three actuarial exams in one session this fall. That would be impressive. If I focus, I think I can do it. I've been focusing hard-core for two months and making good progress.

 

But the problem is, I've had such horrible habits for so long that I'm afraid as soon as I leave home, I'll start self destructing again.

 

I don't know if I'm strong enough yet to say no to my temptations: the ex, "depression", "having friends", weed, booze.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can stay focused?

 

Maybe it's a dumb question, but the answer really isn't self explanatory for me at all. I've been wrestling with this since probably the 7th grade. I more or less had to teach myself everything you learn in high school because I unofficially dropped out in 10th grade (graduated thanks solely to a move to a different district in 12th grade... and went to college thanks solely to the SATs).

 

Maybe I need medication? To talk to a therapist?

 

Oh and also... if anyone has any book suggestions, please let me know. Since I missed out on actually getting anything out of college, I'm going to have to get educated on my own. Perhaps titles of books you read in college? I am interested in literature, music, and history.

 

Please help!

[suga]

Hi,

 

I am fealing the same way about now, Im pregnant 3 1/2 months now, my first pregnancy, I just broke up with my crack and heroine addicted boyfriend who I let knock me up(a suprise but definately not a far fetched one), he got off the bad drugs then I got pregnant and wanted him off all except weed and prescriptions, then he did extacy and gave some to my sister, I spoke to both of them about it(we were all living at my moms), they conveniently forgot and made plans to go in on some coke, I started beating on my sister because she was trying buy it from him and give him some behind my back, he asked me if he could do this is how I stopped it, but I still think he knew I didnt want him doing that and he does not listen, my mom took my sisters side saying she is sorry, I dont believe that, but my mom threw me out for fighting with her, now Im back here because I hate being with my boyfriend and he has been abusing me now, he is so inconsiderate, he is so selfish, he is always fealing like the world owes him something, I lived with my mother since after Katrina since I split with my abusive ex husband and filed for divorce when I could, in which time he commited fema fraud and put the money in our old account, therefore I had to report him, he also threatened my boyfriend who I am pregnant from with a knife and spit on me, although he has had various girlfriends throughout our separation.

 

I think my problem is this.

 

When I was 12yrs old my mom was 52 when she went through a mid life crisis, she had a 24 yr old living with us as just a friend, I had a crush on him but never said that to anyone, he lived with us until I was 14, at that time him and my mom were always fighting although he always slept on the couch and they were never anymore than friends my mom still did not remove him from the house, his attidude made my crush go away, but he started trying to spend alot of time with me and flattering me alot, I was insecure so it made me feal good, after a while he tried to kiss me one night, I said no Im too young you will get in trouble, he got mad at me saying that I was not doing him any favors by not kissing him and that I was wrong, then started kissing me, I did not stop him, the next day he tried to have sex with me and I did not stop him, I feal like a moron because it ruined my life, this went on for 3 weeks until I told a cousin and my mom found out, after that she kept me locked in the house and went insane, she invaded all my personal space and told me so many horrible things about how now Im damaged goods and no man will ever truley love me and put me in therapy she said to "fix" me, then my sister who is 13 yrs older moved in and her husband tried to sleep with me, he was 28 and I was 15 and my sister was pregnant with her second child from him, I pushed him off of me, I wrote it in a diary, since my mom was not respecting any of my space she read my diary, him and my sister left, my mom told me he must have tried that because I wanted him to, until I was 18 my mom had been doing all the things she is supposed to do except making my life a living hell, I found the first guy who wanted a serious relationship and bailed until he started beating the crap out of me when I was 20, I came back home and my sister moves in with her husband(the same guy), Im fighting with them all the time because my sister him and their kids are calling me a hoe all the time, so my mom kicked me out saying Im a threat to their kids, I never touched their kids, my sister is addicted to pills and so is he, they dont take care of thier kids, I was homeless for 6 months living with one stranger after another until I finally gave in and went back to my ex husband, years later my mom tells me that she had been sleeping with the guy I lost my virginity to at 14 and had to lie about it because she would have got in trouble for it, all this makes me sick to my stomach, but I am always the bad guy no matter what I do, unless I just open my mouth and eat their ****, I hate my life, I have graduated from high school and went to a couple of semesters in college, but I always feal like no matter what I accomplish I do not deserve it, so I always find myself finding some ******* who treats me like crap because I believe thats what I deserve, and I never see that they are not treating me right until Im run into the ground and humiliated, Im so shy of making friends because I hate my life, all I ever do is find a guy who gets drugs to make me feal good.

 

I want to stop the cycle, but now I live with my mom and my sister still, and I hate them and I hate myself because they make me feal wrong for hating them, and I know that if I accomplish anything my mom is not going to go away, she will always be there telling my boyfriends and friends how she has tried so hard and all about how out of control I am, when I am so soft hearted its my downfall, because I always fight her opinions of me, but then there is this little demon on my shoulder telling me that Im always wrong, even when I try so damn hard to do right, I will always be a bad crazy person who uncontrollably hurts everyone and needs to make it up to everyone, I feal like her emotional slave, and yes Im starting to recognize it but its hard to break out of it, the more I fight her the more guilt she holds over me, the less I fight her the more she sucks me in with her lies.

 

I feal so weak, but Im going to try to get strength from the child Im pregnant with, if I feal like Im not worth fighting for, then Im going to have to do it for my child, Im going to have to just be the strong silent one here, be very secretive and save and get out, and not let them suck me into anger with manipulative bull**** so they can make me out to be crazy, and not talk to my loser black hole of self gratification excuse for a boyfriend so he will get the idea to back off, but I will file for child support when the baby is born.

 

sorry for the rant but maybe you have people playing with your sense of self worth too...it can be a real drain on your life if you do...and Its really hard to tell when someone is doing it inadvertantly instead of openly.

 

Soft hearted people are easy targets for manipulative people, they have their own insecurities but not the way I do, they are out to bring others down to where they are, jealousy for whatever reason makes them competative, then insecurity flares up, but they wont admit to it.

 

You're competing to pull yourself up instead of bringing others down...you will get more out of life that way in the long run Im sure!

[whichwayisup]

Maybe I need medication? To talk to a therapist?

 

Google Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (and where you live), talk to your Dr about finding a therapist who specializes in CBT.

 

You aren't a waste of space at all. All that you went through happened, you lived life a certain way and now realize that it wasn't healthy for you. The cool thing is, you recognize that and want to change! So please, don't beat up on yourself at all, your self esteem doesn't need it. It serves NO purpose!

 

Great post by you Suga!