40 years old and my parents still control me..

[breakingfreeatlast]

Hi everyone! I'm new here..thought I could get some input, advise, support..anything!

 

I am 40 years old..divorced..mother of 5 children. My parents are still trying to control my every move. I will try and give a brief history.

 

I tried to move away many times once I finished high school. Of course any time I mentioned it..my mother would guilt me into not going. Finally, 4 years ago (before my divorce) my x and I moved 4 states south of my parents. That was hell! She tried and tried to munipulate us not moving. With in 6 months..they bought home with in an hour of me..yes..not too close..but close enough. At least they had to start calling to arrange visits instead of just stopping by when ever they felt like it.

 

I am in an area that the job market is not good. Yes..I struggle raising my kids..they arent' cheap. I have put out applications in states north of where I am living. I got a reply and have been asked to come in for interview/testing, etc for a job in MD. It is a good paying job with excellent benefits and job security too. Of course in order to go do the testing I had to ask my parents to watch the kids while I went..of course..they want to know where I am going..why..etc. So I had to inform them that I had put my application out in the states north of me. They agreed to watch the kids BUT of course they want to "make me realize what a mistake it would be to not move closer to them".."they can help me out watching the kids while I work (mind you..they are in their mid 70's, travel a lot, and can't handle the kids too often). I tried explaining to them that I I need a good paying job, benefits, better school system for the kids, and live in a more metro area again. I miss the north! Of course..they are going to do every thing to munipulate me..talk me out of it..guilt me for taking the kids away..blah..blah..blah.

 

I am so sick of this. They think they can just control every thing I do. I have to tell you..I tried the online dating for a little bit. The men I met and wanted to meet were not in my state. So..they would make plans to come and meet me..if I asked my parents to babysit so I could go on my date they thought they had to right to know every tiny detail about whomever I was meeting. Like I have no brains at all. They even went as far to say that if they didn't agree the person was worth meeting they would not watch the kids. With so many children..I can't hire a teenage to come in..plus my oldest is 15 but he is not mature enough to leave watching his yourger brothers. And I have not made many connections that I would feel comfortable with leaving my kids and feeling like I was not imposing on them. So..I have to ask my parents for some help from time to time. I may ask them once every 3/4 months since my divorce. My x moved south and we don't do every other week-end. It is only me who raises the children. And from time to time I would like to be "me" the adult who goes out and can leave the children and be an adult for a little bit. Of course..if my parents don't agree..they wont help me. Yet they want to take control of my every move..date..time away..UGGGH!

 

Anyway..thanks for at least reading. I am so frustrated..angry..fed up..that I just want to cry! Why can't they let me lead my own life for once? HELP!

[Lynna]

Keep looking and interviewing for good jobs whereever you can find them. You have a responsibility to your children and to yourself to be able to support your family. You want your children to attend safe and good schools and you want them to be comfortable. Your parents already moved once to be close to you, so if they feel it is that important let them move again after you have found a good job and a good home.

 

As for the kids, talk with the parents of their friends. Next time you want to go out of town or even have a night out, ask those parents of your kids friends whether they could watch one or two of them for a night. Tell them you will reciprocate as soon as you are back in town. Offer to have their kids over anytime THEY need a night out. I am SURE the offer would be much appreciated. That way you don't have to depend on your parents. And then you can talk to your parents. Tell them how much their behavior hurts you. Remind them that you are an adult and that they raised you to be a good mother and good citizen. Point out that by treating you this way you feel they are not only disrespecting you but also themselves. Be SURE to remind them that you love them very much, that you will always be their daughter, but that you also have to be independant.

 

Good luck!