I don't want to lose the love of my life!!

[thegrilnextdoor]

Me and my boyfriend were crazy happy for a long time. He's the love of my life! Everything seemed so perfect then it all came crashing down. What do I do?! My boyfriend of two years broke up with me about two weeks ago for cheating on him. I would never cheat on him purposly. I went to a party and i had rode with a friend there. My friend ended up getting drunk. I was offered a ride home from a guy I had met a couple of times. On the way home he pulled over and started to kiss me. I said i had a boyfriend and i didn't want to. He began undressing me and said that everything would be fine. (The guy was A LOT larger than me as i am a very small person) So I was afraid to be really stern and say NO GET OFF ME like i wanted to. After a couple of minutes of me lying there lifelessly while he was having sex with me, I started balling. He stopped. Shortly after my bf called and i told him what had happened. He completely blamed me for going out. And for not calling him for a ride. ( I didn't think i could because he was at work) He broke up with me a couple of weeks later. I'm so angry at him that he won't even try to understand the situation that i was in. But at the same time I understand that he's hurt and feels betrayed. I love him so much and all I want is for us to be together and be happy. It seems like the more I try to get back together with him and make it work, the more he pushes me away. I'm thinking of trying NC. Do you think it's to late? Or will it ruin any chance I have with him? I love him so much. I refuse to let our relationship fail. ANY advice would be so truely appreciated!!!

[BlueEyedSarah]

Sorry, this is going to sound harsh...

 

Your boyfriend was right, you SHOULD have called him for a ride home.

 

You got in a car with a guy who you have met a few times, a guy you hardly know, alone too. How would you feel if your boyfriend got in a car with a girl he hardly knew, alone?

 

YOU should have said NO, why cares if he is bigger and stronger? Get out the car and go to a public place.

 

I'm not suprised your boyfriend does not want you back, after your act of not thinking it makes it out like you can not be trusted.

 

If he does not take you back then respect this, go in nc and remember the mistakes you made for the next boyfriend you have.

[thegrilnextdoor]

I live out in the middle of no where. We were about 15-20 minutes from my house. There were no public places anywhere near where we were. I did get out of the truck after everything had happened and I called my boyfriend as soon as he got off work like 20 min after the guy left. I would've called him for a ride while I was at the party but I've called him while he's at work before. He can't answer the phone because where he works cell phones aren't allowed unless they are company phones. I sat in a ditch on the side of the road for an hour waiting for my bf to come get me and take me home. I pressed charges and the guy went to jail for rape. I just thought that would give a little more detail. Is your opinion still the same? Thanks for the feed back blueeyedsarah!

[squeak]

Dear girlnextdoor,

I am really sorry this happened to you, I am teary as I write this.

Your bf is an a-hole, you were raped and HE couldn't deal with it?

I am so sorry you have been doubly hurt here. Hurt is an understatement.

You have much bigger problems right now than your snivelling bf.

Does he understand what really happened???

You are traumatized and would advise you also go for counselling for rape. It sounds like you were afraid to be assertive and he forced himself on you the alcohol impaired your judgment so you had a delayed trauma reaction. You did not want it to happen, it was rape.

 

You did not "cheat" on him. Putting yourself in a vulnerable position does not mean you deserved it.

 

This isn't something most people should just brush off and go on like normal. It will come back later , please take care of yourself, and never drink in public places with strangers without good friends around you at all times. Vultures like that prey on situations of vulnerability.

[bish]

Me and my boyfriend were crazy happy for a long time. He's the love of my life! Everything seemed so perfect then it all came crashing down. What do I do?! My boyfriend of two years broke up with me about two weeks ago for cheating on him.

 

Good for him.

 

I would never cheat on him purposly.

 

Oh please.

 

I went to a party and i had rode with a friend there. My friend ended up getting drunk. I was offered a ride home from a guy I had met a couple of times. On the way home he pulled over and started to kiss me. I said i had a boyfriend and i didn't want to. He began undressing me and said that everything would be fine. (The guy was A LOT larger than me as i am a very small person) So I was afraid to be really stern and say NO GET OFF ME like i wanted to. After a couple of minutes of me lying there lifelessly while he was having sex with me, I started balling. He stopped. Shortly after my bf called and i told him what had happened. He completely blamed me for going out. And for not calling him for a ride. ( I didn't think i could because he was at work) He broke up with me a couple of weeks later. I'm so angry at him that he won't even try to understand the situation that i was in.

 

If he was out with his friends, got drunk, a girl jumped all over him and he told you, "I didn't know what I was doing", you'd forgive him for sticking his member in another girl?

 

But lets assume your story is true, then it was rape right...you can press charges against the guy.

 

But if it was rape, you'd be distrought and being pissed at your bf for not "understanding" would be the least of your worries, hence you wouldn't have the focus to even be pissed at him.

 

But at the same time I understand that he's hurt and feels betrayed. I love him so much and all I want is for us to be together and be happy. It seems like the more I try to get back together with him and make it work, the more he pushes me away. I'm thinking of trying NC. Do you think it's to late?

 

Yup.

 

Or will it ruin any chance I have with him? I love him so much. I refuse to let our relationship fail. ANY advice would be so truely appreciated!!!

 

This is why going out drinking with friends is never a good idea. I always hear the same story...."oh, but I was drunk"....sorry, its no excuse.

 

He'll never trust you again, so let him go. And if you really loved him, you would have opened the car door and got out when the guy was smooth talking you. You didn't say the guy forced you, you said he told you it would be ok and that you let him continue.

 

Now if you would have said that he was rough with you, manhandled you, or held you down...then you have my sympathy.

 

But I think you wanted to have sex with this guy, and you are trying to convince yourself, and everyone in this forum that you just "layed there".

 

Sorry, I don't buy it and I think your bf was right to break up.

[bish]

I live out in the middle of no where. We were about 15-20 minutes from my house. There were no public places anywhere near where we were. I did get out of the truck after everything had happened and I called my boyfriend as soon as he got off work like 20 min after the guy left. I would've called him for a ride while I was at the party but I've called him while he's at work before. He can't answer the phone because where he works cell phones aren't allowed unless they are company phones. I sat in a ditch on the side of the road for an hour waiting for my bf to come get me and take me home. I pressed charges and the guy went to jail for rape. I just thought that would give a little more detail. Is your opinion still the same? Thanks for the feed back blueeyedsarah!

 

Boy, for someone who is trying to blame this on being drunk, you sure do have lucid memories of everything that happened that night.

 

I don't buy this at all. Pressing charges against the guy would have been a REALLY important part of the story...but you left it out of the first post. I think you want people to really believe you didn't want to do this and are now changing your story.

[Dano]

What were you doing at a party without your bf anyway? Isn't that what we do at parties? Get drunk and try to get laid? Bf had to work so you went with a friend (who probably doesn't have a bf) knowing drunk guys will be hitting on you..........trying to get some a$$..........cause they're drunk.........and you're there without a guy...........lets see, 1+1=2...................Yup, the math adds up!

[BlueEyedSarah]

I live out in the middle of no where. We were about 15-20 minutes from my house. There were no public places anywhere near where we were. I did get out of the truck after everything had happened and I called my boyfriend as soon as he got off work like 20 min after the guy left. I would've called him for a ride while I was at the party but I've called him while he's at work before. He can't answer the phone because where he works cell phones aren't allowed unless they are company phones. I sat in a ditch on the side of the road for an hour waiting for my bf to come get me and take me home. I pressed charges and the guy went to jail for rape. I just thought that would give a little more detail. Is your opinion still the same? Thanks for the feed back blueeyedsarah!

I don't understnad, if this guy you got in the car raped you how come you did not mention that in your first post? Why would your boyfriend dump you if you got raped? That makes no sense to me. I thought a guy would be supportive if he';s girlfriend got raped and would want to kick the guy in the balls for hurting he's girlfriend. He is not worth it if he accused you of cheating while actually being raped. Why would you want a non supportive guy like that anyway?

 

I thought rape was where a guy would force on you wether you cry or not, it doesnt sound like rape to me, sounds like you had no confidence to say no to this guy in the car.

 

You should have phoned your parents or something to come pick you up if your boyfriend is unable too or a familt member or a lift with another friend or a taxie or something.

 

I always take a book with me everywhere I go incase I get stranded somewhere for a while, maybe next time you should take something to entertain you until you are able to get a lift.

[bish]

I don't understnad, if this guy you got in the car raped you how come you did not mention that in your first post? Why would your boyfriend dump you if you got raped? That makes no sense to me.

 

Her story doesn't make sense. She then comes back later and says she had the guy arrested for rape...even though she didn't tell him no or tell him to stop. Almost sounds like she cried rape for her bf's sake.

 

Sorry, I don't believe her story, especially when she changes it.

 

Her bf was right to dump her.

[BlueEyedSarah]

So now there is a innocent guy in jail accused of rape

[UsernameRemoved]

Take a step back a moment. I've dated a girl who's been raped and they all react differently. Any guy who is told that a girl doesn't want to go any further whether the word 'no' is used or not is a rapist. Sounds to me like this guy was trying to take advantage of a drunken girl, these tyoes of guys are the lowest of the low. He needs a bloody good kicking is what he needs.

I hope you sort things out with your bf, he was probably suspecting you of cheating previous to this which would make sense in his mind. Try writing a letter, sometimes the old fashioned pen and paper can get you to understand better.

[ash519]

Her story doesn't make sense. She then comes back later and says she had the guy arrested for rape...even though she didn't tell him no or tell him to stop. Almost sounds like she cried rape for her bf's sake.

 

.

 

That would have been part of her original thread if that were true. She added it later once Blueeyed called her out on it. And if this happend two weeks ago there is NO WAY he would be in jail already. Not to mention the fact that you never said "I got raped and went to the hospital."

 

Sounds like you cheated on your bf and he is seeing through your whole victim story. Sorry hun!

[allina]

Her story doesn't make sense. She then comes back later and says she had the guy arrested for rape...even though she didn't tell him no or tell him to stop.

 

What the F?! she said she told him to stop and started crying. Are you people seriously attacking someone who was possibly raped??

[Star Gazer]

What the F?! she said she told him to stop and started crying. Are you people seriously attacking someone who was possibly raped??

 

I agree they are being way too harsh given the possibility that she was raped.

 

However, if she was raped - i.e., had sex against her will - I don't think she'd be posting about losing her bouyfriend. I think she'd be posting about the trauma of what happened that night. And I agree that her recollection is way too lucid for someone who claims to have been too drunk to know what was happening. I think she had drunk sex and is trying to make it sound like a criminal situation when it was just poor judgment on her part.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree they are being way too harsh given the possibility that she was raped.

 

However, if she was raped - i.e., had sex against her will - I don't think she'd be posting about losing her bouyfriend. I think she'd be posting about the trauma of what happened that night. And I agree that her recollection is way too lucid for someone who claims to have been too drunk to know what was happening. I think she had drunk sex and is trying to make it sound like a criminal situation when it was just poor judgment on her part.

I agree with this.

 

Rape is serious.

[annabelle75]

:raises hand:

 

When I was 19, I was attacked an raped in an empty office in the building I work in by a man that I worked with. Even though it was a clear case of a violent rape, my bf (of two years) told me that no man would do that unless I gave him the impression I wanted it. He then refused to return any of my calls for over a month. Some time later he apologized and said that he knew he was wrong, but he didn't know how to handle to sitaution. By then it was too late and the damage was done. In some ways the way my bf treated me did more emotional damge than the actual rape.

 

I understand her reaction to what has happened and why she felt the need to not flat out say "I was raped" in her initial post. Her bf's reaction probably has her questioning what happened, even though deep down she knows she was raped.

 

Please back off and stop telling her she did something wrong. If she is like me, what you are doing is just going to cause her to repress her feelings even more. It took me more than ten years to really accept what happened to me. I don't wish that on anyone.

[Trialbyfire]

Sorry but I'm not sure I buy the attitude. I was also a victim of attempted rape and yes, there were doubters but my primary focus was on the attempted rape instead of what anyone else thought.

[squeak]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

 

I think this is a situation that most people cannot judge, and just because "this is what someone should do it means this" does not mean something bad really did not happen.

 

Did you hear the case of the woman who was about to be raped and she asked the rapist to please wear a condom she pulled out of her drawers?

 

She was raked over the coals since that implied some consent in people's eyes... I think the original writer may be very confused about what happened and I personally would not be so quick to judge her pain being that I don't really know what she went through.

 

Just because she did not react in a text book manner does not mean it did not happen.....

[ash519]

The last few posters are right...Who am i too judge what may or may not have happen...grilnextdoor, i am sorry.

 

It just throws me off because the hospital was never mentioned...and to get someone convicted of rape and thrown in jail there needs to be a rape kit (done immediately after a rape) OR the man needs to admit it. Rape cases also dont usually conclude and result in jail time in a matter of 2 weeks.

[allina]

 

However, if she was raped - i.e., had sex against her will - I don't think she'd be posting about losing her bouyfriend. I think she'd be posting about the trauma of what happened that night. And I agree that her recollection is way too lucid for someone who claims to have been too drunk to know what was happening. I think she had drunk sex and is trying to make it sound like a criminal situation when it was just poor judgment on her part.

 

Rape is tragic and traumatizing you never know how someone will react or what they will focus on. Thankfully I have never been in the situation so I don't know and I can't tell from her story, but I think there's a possibility it's true.

[squeak]

I just don't want girlnextdoor to be going through more trauma in her life based on opinions here...... this is a case where it is better to not be right or wrong and encourage her to get help for herself.

 

 

GND if you are still reading this, please know our hearts are with you and I urge you to please get counselling, that is too big for anyone to deal with on their own.

[Mr.Drew]

ignore the a-holez that r sayin sum bs about your bf/ex.. they jus tryn 2 ruin crap 4 every1 else cuz they cant seem 2 git a working relationship..

ANYWAY, i think you should get one of his or your friends to sit down and talk with him about it.. it sounds to me like he doesnt know what to do and doesn't wanna hear it from you.

[Trialbyfire]

Rape is tragic and traumatizing you never know how someone will react or what they will focus on. Thankfully I have never been in the situation so I don't know and I can't tell from her story, but I think there's a possibility it's true.

If you don't want it, you will not lie there and let someone try to undress you, while calmly accepting his assurances that everything will be okay. An attack brings out the fight or flight instinct.

 

Things didn't progress very far with me because it brought out the flight instinct in me. He was hammered. The part that I was so angry about at the time was that I didn't fight but it would have been stupid to have done so since he was so drunk. So the next day, I took back the control, which I won't get into. Once you take back that control, you get over the situation pretty quickly. Rape is less about the sex and more about power and control over another.

 

How anyone can focus on anything beyond the actual incident, speaks volumes.

 

-edit: Btw, this guy was about twice my weight and a good foot taller than I was.

[allina]

ignore the a-holez that r sayin sum bs about your bf/ex.. they jus tryn 2 ruin crap 4 every1 else cuz they cant seem 2 git a working relationship..

 

Hi, would you mind writing in a style that is more suited for a forum not a text message to your 'homie', thanks!

[annabelle75]

If you don't want it, you will not lie there and let someone try to undress you, while calmly accepting his assurances that everything will be okay. An attack brings out the fight or flight instinct.

 

Things didn't progress very far with me because it brought out the flight instinct in me. He was hammered. The part that I was so angry about at the time was that I didn't fight but it would have been stupid to have done so since he was so drunk. So the next day, I took back the control, which I won't get into. Once you take back that control, you get over the situation pretty quickly. Rape is less about the sex and more about power and control over another.

 

How anyone can focus on anything beyond the actual incident, speaks volumes.

 

To some who has never experineced it I can understand how you may not understand, but I think you need to no be so quick to judge. Her scenario makes alot fo sense to me. When it is happening you go into a type of shock, and that stage can last even years.

 

I didn't scream. Even though now I know I rationally should have, at the time I went into shock and all I could think was that if I screamed one of my co-workers would come in and see what was happening to me. The feelings of embarrassment and shame stopped me. Even though it may not make alot of sense, at the time that was how I reacted.

 

Her story and reaction towrads the events ring very true to me.