I don't want to lose the love of my life!!

[Trialbyfire]

To some who has never experineced it I can understand how you may not understand, but I think you need to no be so quick to judge. Her scenario makes alot fo sense to me. When it is happening you go into a type of shock, and that stage can last even years.

 

I didn't scream. Even though now I know I rationally should have, at the time I went into shock and all I could think was that if I screamed one of my co-workers would come in and see what was happening to me. The feelings of embarrassment and shame stopped me. Even though it may not make alot of sense, at the time that was how I reacted.

 

Her story and reaction towrads the events ring very true to me.

Huh? What are you talking about? I was attacked and got away.

 

I was working late one night. It was a split second decision.

[annabelle75]

Huh? What are you talking about? I was attacked and got away.

 

I was working late one night. It was a split second decision.

 

Sorry. I quoted the wrong post. That wasn't directed towards you.

[Cobra_X30]

:raises hand:

 

When I was 19, I was attacked an raped in an empty office in the building I work in by a man that I worked with. Even though it was a clear case of a violent rape, my bf (of two years) told me that no man would do that unless I gave him the impression I wanted it. He then refused to return any of my calls for over a month. Some time later he apologized and said that he knew he was wrong, but he didn't know how to handle to sitaution. By then it was too late and the damage was done. In some ways the way my bf treated me did more emotional damge than the actual rape.

 

I understand her reaction to what has happened and why she felt the need to not flat out say "I was raped" in her initial post. Her bf's reaction probably has her questioning what happened, even though deep down she knows she was raped.

 

Please back off and stop telling her she did something wrong. If she is like me, what you are doing is just going to cause her to repress her feelings even more. It took me more than ten years to really accept what happened to me. I don't wish that on anyone.

 

I know your BF reacted really bad. I hope its something you can forgive. Not for him, but for you.

[corazoncito]

Girlnextdoor, I know it's hard, but don't even worry about your BF right now. He is reacting poorly and is being unsupportive. if you were sexually assaulted, you didn't cheat on him.

 

You need to help yourself right now. Then you can worry about your BF later. Find someone to talk to, a counselor, because sexual assault is emotionally very traumatic, and even if you try to not think about it, push those thoughts away and move on, often those feelings surface on their own and cause you more problems later in life.

 

***

 

Re the pp's, how a person reacts to sexual assault and trauma has a great deal to do with their age, their life experience up to that point, the circumstances under which the assault occurred, the identity of the person committing the assault, what the person has been taught about proper sexuality for men and women, how sexual assault is defined and viewed with the community that raised them and that they live within, etc. So two people may react very differently.

 

For example, A young girl assaulted in a remote, rural setting by someone she knows may react very differently from an older woman assaulted by a stranger in an urban setting with the possibility of other people being nearby.

[BlueEyedSarah]

The last few posters are right...Who am i too judge what may or may not have happen...grilnextdoor, i am sorry.

 

It just throws me off because the hospital was never mentioned...and to get someone convicted of rape and thrown in jail there needs to be a rape kit (done immediately after a rape) OR the man needs to admit it. Rape cases also dont usually conclude and result in jail time in a matter of 2 weeks.

I thought if you got raped you would be thinking about going to a hospital, getting checked for STD's and worrying if your pregnant.

 

If she did get raped and told her boyfriend she was raped why would he just dump her?

 

If he did that then what kind of a boyfriend is that? She should find a guy who is supportive. She should be happy she wont spend anymore time with a non understanding insensative guy.

[annabelle75]

Re the pp's, how a person reacts to sexual assault and trauma has a great deal to do with their age, their life experience up to that point, the circumstances under which the assault occurred, the identity of the person committing the assault, what the person has been taught about proper sexuality for men and women, how sexual assault is defined and viewed with the community that raised them and that they live within, etc. So two people may react very differently.

 

For example, A young girl assaulted in a remote, rural setting by someone she knows may react very differently from an older woman assaulted by a stranger in an urban setting with the possibility of other people being nearby.

 

Excellent point on all counts.

 

When its some one you know and willing spent time with, alot of times people assume that it wasn't really rape. People need to realize that acquaintance rape happens every day. Its not always a case of a stranger attacking you from behind and wearing a mask. I knew the man that attacked me, which made it hard for me to talk about. People would always aske the same questions, "What did you do to make him think it was ok?" "have you slept with him before?" "why would a co-worker suddenly decide to do that?". People have a hard time accepting that some one could make the choice to do that to another. Its easier to believe that you are lying.

[annabelle75]

I thought if you got raped you would be thinking about going to a hospital, getting checked for STD's and worrying if your pregnant.

 

Although what you say make sense, alot of vitims of rape go into severe shock and denial immediately afterwards. If there is no one around to witness the act and no obvious visible scars, some will even pretend it didn't happen and try to just forget. Some don't want to walk around with the stigma of being "that girl that was raped." For those reasons and many more countless rapes go unreported each year.

[Trialbyfire]

The victim and the perp usually know each other, in most rape situations.

 

The argument is, when is it rape? To paraphrase what I know about sexual assault is that if at any time, someone says stop, you must stop. I think it's arguable that if you consent by being passive-aggressive and allowing it to proceed to the point of penetration or are partially participating by encouraging the penetration, and then say stop, in the middle of the act of penetration, you have some responsibility in this.

 

Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who was attacked but managed flight. I was in my twenties at the time, working late, with no one else left on the entire floor. I knew my attacker well, as he was considered a friendly coworker who had come back after a few drinks too many.

[Star Gazer]

Re the pp's, how a person reacts to sexual assault and trauma has a great deal to do with their age, their life experience up to that point, the circumstances under which the assault occurred, the identity of the person committing the assault, what the person has been taught about proper sexuality for men and women, how sexual assault is defined and viewed with the community that raised them and that they live within, etc. So two people may react very differently.

 

For example, A young girl assaulted in a remote, rural setting by someone she knows may react very differently from an older woman assaulted by a stranger in an urban setting with the possibility of other people being nearby.

 

Unfortunately, I've experienced BOTH of the above hypotheticals. In the former, he was successful. In the latter, he wasn't. I reacted the same way both times.

 

In addition, I have have worked in a rape crisis center on and off since I was 14 years old to help other victims. Based on my personal experience, as well as hundreds of girls with whom I have worked with and advocated on their behalf, I can confidently say that this girl's response (mind you, she didn't even say NO) and focus on her BF breaking up with her instead of the event itself is unusual, at best. If she was going to be silent (i.e., in shock like you and others suggest) she wouldn't be talking about the event at ALL.

[corazoncito]

SG, I'm very sorry for what happened to you. It's sad hearing just in some of the posts in this thread that women have to go through these assaults.

 

I've had the experience of attempted (thank god) assault when I was young and as an adult (by a stranger both times), and I did react differently the second time. I had learned to be more vigilant and assertive because of the first incident. This first time around also I didn't realize how commonly, unfortunately, these things happen to women. So maybe that personal experience is shaping my take on things.

 

I realize that we will never know what really happened to girlnextdoor. For me, personally, on an anonymous message board, if there is a doubt about whether it was or wasn't rape, I'd like to err on the side of caution and base my advice on the assumption that it was. If I'm wrong, the worst that happens is I look foolish and I help someone dodge responsibility for their actions. But I'd feel awful dismissing someone's experience with a few keystrokes if it turned out it was a rape. I realize others may not see it the same way.

[Star Gazer]

I realize that we will never know what really happened to girlnextdoor. For me, personally, on an anonymous message board, if there is a doubt about whether it was or wasn't rape, I'd like to err on the side of caution and base my advice on the assumption that it was. If I'm wrong, the worst that happens is I look foolish and I help someone dodge responsibility for their actions. But I'd feel awful dismissing someone's experience with a few keystrokes if it turned out it was a rape. I realize others may not see it the same way.

 

 

I agree that we shouldn't assume that it wasn't in fact rape based on a few keystrokes. However, her first priority - and ours as well if we are to err on the side of caution - should be in helping her get through the trauma of this alleged rape, and not the loss of her (if true) jerk of a boyfriend.

[thegrilnextdoor]

I wasn't drunk. I never said I was. My friend was, which is why the guy took me home.

[corazoncito]

I agree that we shouldn't assume that it wasn't in fact rape based on a few keystrokes. However, her first priority - and ours as well if we are to err on the side of caution - should be in helping her get through the trauma of this alleged rape, and not the loss of her (if true) jerk of a boyfriend.

 

Agreed, that's why in my original advice to her I told her to forget about the BF and seek a counselor to talk about the assault because that was the more important thing. I hope she does it.

[thegrilnextdoor]

I hadn't seen him drinking at the party and he didn't act drunk. I didn't think it was necessary to put in the thread that I went to the hospital because to me it seems like common sense that after you've been raped that you go to the hospital. My boyfriend picked me up from the side of the road and took me home. I called my mom and told her what had happened and she told me to go to the hospital and she met me there. As for the other guy getting arrested, He was arrested but he's out now. We're going to court soon.

[corazoncito]

In the meantime, are you getting counseling for the rape?

[bish]

What the F?! she said she told him to stop and started crying. Are you people seriously attacking someone who was possibly raped??

 

Read her story again. Does it really make sense to you what she said in the first post...then came back in the 2nd and all of a sudden she now decides to let everyone know she pressed charges and he went to jail.

 

She changed her story to us when she realized we didn't believe her. Saying the guy went to jail for rape would have been a really important part to include in the first post don't you think? And as one poster noticed.....he was in jail within a couple weeks? Quickest trial in history I'd say.

 

If she had said in the first post that she said no and he forcibly held her down or something to that effect and said she pressed charges...well hell yes i wouldn't have said what I did. But the other posters here could see what I saw. She changed her story.

 

And if she truly had been raped...her boyfriend not believing her would be the least of her problems. But rather than being distraught over the alleged rape, she was simply pissed at her bf for not believing her.

[bish]

I agree they are being way too harsh given the possibility that she was raped.

 

However, if she was raped - i.e., had sex against her will - I don't think she'd be posting about losing her bouyfriend. I think she'd be posting about the trauma of what happened that night.

 

EXACTLY!!!!

[Cobra_X30]

Bish,

 

Look man if your right and girlnextdoor is just some troll who is full of crap what do you win? Nothing, and you would effect no change.

 

If your wrong and she is a victim, then you are doing way more damage than good here. Just look at the cost benefits here.

[bish]

Bish,

 

Look man if your right and girlnextdoor is just some troll who is full of crap what do you win? Nothing, and you would effect no change.

 

If your wrong and she is a victim, then you are doing way more damage than good here. Just look at the cost benefits here.

 

Well lets sugarcoat our responses and pamper her then.

[corazoncito]

It's not about sugarcoating. If she was raped, I encourage her to seek counseling and forget about how her BF is reacting. If she wasn't, I'm not going to spend time asking her for more details about her story.

 

To be honest, IMO, the last couple of posts by GND don't mesh well with her initial post. I don't know what happened and at this point I have no more advice to offer her.

 

Whether I believe GND's story or not, I don't find it so difficult to believe a woman might fixate on seemingly unimportant details after a traumatic event. Through my university teaching I've unexpectedly ended up having to help some female students seek counseling for sexual assault and domestic violence. Their state of mind is often confused (from my perspective) and (in my experience) they usually haven't reported the incidents to police. Some aren't sure that they didn't contribute to what happened or are scared of retribution or social ostracism.

 

Since we've been using a lot of anecdotal evidence on this thread, I'll throw in a story that happened to a friend of mine who was teaching as a postdoc at a small, public university in the midwest. On her campus the percentage of "date rape" had surpassed the average for other college campuses of the same size, so the university had instituted mandatory training for all teaching staff in recognizing signs of post-traumatic shock in students and encouraging them to go to the campus counseling services. My friend had a student who was really quiet but doing very well in the class suddenly start failing assignments, not coming to class. Not long after, the student came in to get help to improve her grades, but something seemed off with her, and she had no explanation for why she had missed class and stopped studying. This raised a few red flags for my friend after her training.

 

After speaking with this girl a few times, my friend learned she had been raped by a man she had gone out on a date with. My friend encouraged her to seek counseling because she seemed depressed and anxious. The girl refused saying she'd be ok and that she didn't want other people to know.

 

The "other people" turned out to be her church group. It was a Christian fellowship specific to a particular ethnic group. The really screwed up part is that my friend's well-intentioned but completely clueless teaching assistant, who knew what had happened, told someone in this group, assuming that since they were her closest friends and support network they would help her. That totally backfired. They were scandalized because they hadn't known that she went out on the date alone with a man who was not part of their religion or their ethnic group. They completely shut her out, saying she was making it up to get attention, or that she deserved it for acting so "immorally". Nice, huh?

 

The worst part is that after losing her only real support network (such as it was) she was even more determined NOT to seek counseling because she thought there was still a chance that her "friends" would take her back if she pretended it never happened. Her mental and emotional well-being meant nothing to her. What mattered was her relationship with these judgmental idiots. I guess she just wanted her life to get back to normal, pretend the rape never happened. And getting her "friends" back, no matter how abusive they were being to her, made her feel she was doing that.

 

I realize there are a couple of very important details in this story that differ from GND's story. I just mention it to point out that perhaps not everyone reacts to trauma in the way we assume they would.

[Cobra_X30]

What I am saying is that sugarcoating your responses is better than bashing a victim. If you cant swallow your bile for a rape victim, that is sad.

 

Dont get me wrong, this board needs you!

[whichwayisup]

I hadn't seen him drinking at the party and he didn't act drunk. I didn't think it was necessary to put in the thread that I went to the hospital because to me it seems like common sense that after you've been raped that you go to the hospital. My boyfriend picked me up from the side of the road and took me home. I called my mom and told her what had happened and she told me to go to the hospital and she met me there. As for the other guy getting arrested, He was arrested but he's out now. We're going to court soon.

 

OK, I still don't understand why your boyfriend broke up with you and accused you of cheating on him? You were raped! You went to the hospital and honestly, that bit of info would have made a big difference on the advice you've received.

 

Also, some women DO NOT go to the hospital after being raped, and many don't even report it to the police either.

 

So a rapist is out on bail? Don't go out alone at night and make sure someone is with you at all times when you do go out. (Hope you got a restraining order against that guy so he can't go near you, though if he does, he'll be arrested asap.)

 

Get counselling to help you cope with this.

[Cobra_X30]

OK, I still don't understand why your boyfriend broke up with you and accused you of cheating on him? You were raped! You went to the hospital and honestly, that bit of info would have made a big difference on the advice you've received.

 

Also, some women DO NOT go to the hospital after being raped, and many don't even report it to the police either.

 

So a rapist is out on bail? Don't go out alone at night and make sure someone is with you at all times when you do go out. (Hope you got a restraining order against that guy so he can't go near you, though if he does, he'll be arrested asap.)

 

Get counselling to help you cope with this.

 

1. This is a fairly common guy response. You feel wrecked, angry, and powerless. Seriously, its alot easier to just blame the victim than to hold that feeling of abject failure. Its really hard feeling to describe and very emasculating. Hey, some guys would be at this guys house with baseball bat and a gun.

 

2. I doubt this guy went to jail, and Im not sure she said that or even meant that. It sounded to me like the police picked this guy up for questioning, which is pretty common under the circumstances.

[bish]

What I am saying is that sugarcoating your responses is better than bashing a victim. If you cant swallow your bile for a rape victim, that is sad.

 

Assuming she is a rape victim. but her story, or more to the point her changing of her story, tells me otherwise.

[Spectre]

Really, you don't need to sugarcoat or pamper this chick.

 

The bottom line is the story sounds fishy. The fact that you pressed charges against this man and he went to jail would of been some very helpful info in showcasing that your boyfriend was indeed in the wrong in this situation. Without that information, all we had is basically the word of someone who came off sounding like they started to cheat on their bf, then halfway through regretted it and stopped it. Now maybe for some reason you felt it wasn't important to mention this, fine.

 

It doesn't mean we can ignore the fact you didn't, no offense. Yes rape is a very serious thing, however in your initial post the word rape is not mentioned a single time, only when you were called on your behavior did that come into play. Again: these facts cannot be ignored.

 

If it was indeed rape, that is a very unfortunate thing. All I can say is give your boyfriend time. Whether it is right or wrong, any guy would feel weird at the fact that his gf had sex with another guy, even if it was forced.

 

If you are lying and it wasn't rape, and only you of course know if that is the case, well, first of all..you shouldn't goto such great lengths to defent what you did. Second of all, if it wasn't rape..then I think you need to recognize you might not love your boyfriend as much as you think, or at least do not care that much about his feelings.

 

This is a weird situation, and it is hard to imagine you at least would not mention that you pressed charges and he went to jail. It is also hard to imagine that he even went to jail in such a short amount of time, which adds even more doubt to your story since your details dont seem to add up.