rumours83 Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 My fiance and i are due to get married in two months time, and we have just overcome the death of his mother and some jealousy issues on my part. I just wanted to know if this kind of thing has occurred with anyone else. My other half has three female friends (all of whom are exs) i don't particularly care for two of them, as they have never shown any interest in getting to know me (i have been with my other half for 2. years) and have even been quite rude and dismissive of me. They have found out that he is getting married and all of a sudden all three of them want to keep in touch and hang out with him and "get to know me". I also know that when he parted with these 3 exs it was them leaving and for causual reasons, nothing dramatic. I do feel that they take advantage of my partners loyalty to his friends and that they may have even seen him as a "safety net" should they ever want to settle down. Basically i think they are realising that they all dismissed a very good man, "marriage material" if you will - they are all in their 30's and i know that at least one of them is desparate to get married. Is it a case of wanting the unobtainable? Should i keep my friends close, (potential) enemies closer? All of them are pressing to "get to know me" and i am currently unsure of their motives. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 have they been invited to the wedding? relevance to follow... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I know I wouldn't... not because I would be insecure but I would be totally indifferent to them... why would YOU become friend with his exes... His friends are not automatically your friends... and vice versa. No I would just ignore them... simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rumours83 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 basically, of the 3, one was a serious relationship - she is not invited - his sister and other friends dislike her and would probably physically remove her if she showed up. One was casual but I trust her the least (fake and two faced) and i don't think she is popular with his family either, even more so now they know i don't like her. The 3rd was also casual and is invited, although i have only included her as she "wants to get to know me" like the others which is probably a more valid interest although she has already had 2.5 years to meet me and never took up the offer. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 If they haven't been invited to the wedding, then they can't be THAT great friends, and this close to your wedding, i would assume you have better things to do than pacify these women. You are clearly happy in yourself, and unless you are desperate for friends (which sounds unlikely) I would keep them at arms length. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rumours83 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 well the serious ex he wouldn't want there, but i am not sure if he would want the other there, he says that there is nothing going on between them and i 100% trust him, but basically i think she is a bitch and wouldn't be friends with anyone like her anyway, and i think she is keen to come although i don't want her there to ruin my day and he appreciates that. I could probably find time to meet up with the girl who is invited, but i am just curious as to what you think their motives are? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 So he is still in touch with the "bad X" ? If so why? The "biotchy X" why is he bothering with her if she disrespects you? The "friendly X" that is invited...... Now this is your wedding too.... how do you feel about her being there? Would he protest if you invited your X's? Are these his only 3 friends? Do they have a real and current friendship? Or did they just crawl out of the woodwork at the time the marriage was announced? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rumours83 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 So he is still in touch with the "bad X" ? If so why? The "biotchy X" why is he bothering with her if she disrespects you? The "friendly X" that is invited...... Now this is your wedding too.... how do you feel about her being there? Would he protest if you invited your X's? Are these his only 3 friends? Do they have a real and current friendship? Or did they just crawl out of the woodwork at the time the marriage was announced? basically he had to get in touch with the "bad" ex to let her know that his mother died - she tried to invite herself to the funeral which would have been totally inappropriate. She apparently cried when he told her he was getting married but since then has tried to be friendly, he has since deleted all her contacts, a decision both of us were happy with but initially he was worried about hurting her feelings but then realised how damaging it was for our relationship. The bitchy ex is the biggest problem, i think she knows i don't like her and he hasn't contacted her and there have been some not-so subtle hints which she has failed to recognise, and it is her getting in touch with him (they haven't been in contact for at least 2 years, so she has kind of crawled out of the woodwork) so it is kind of hard for him to ignore? basically he is worried that i am some jealous freak that if i succeed at getting him to ignore her will make him drop all his other friends which isn't the case at all! we have loads of friends and they are all coming to our wedding! basically i don't want to hang around with her, and i don't trust her enough to say that i would be happy for him to hang out with her on his own. i do think that he is very naive when it comes to these "friends" so i am willing to meet the "friendly" ex before our wedding if only to make sure that she doesn't have the same intentions as the other two which he apparently fails to spot, plus she too has literally "crawled out of the woodwork" Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 ok so he has not had a ongoing relationship with any of these women for quite some time. No recent or current friendships? Yet he is worried about hurting their feelings? what about your feelings? Again - are you inviting your X's? I had to deal with this crap myself....... the stalker X that crawled out of the woodwork and cried about being the "unmarried" one. The only way to get rid of her was a direct approach to ask her to cease further contact. My H did this..... after we ignored her for a year. Our stalker did not go away. Things like high school reunions and Alumni gatherings is the place to get together with people that you had relationships with in the past..... not your wedding. IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazy Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Sorry but your fiance is being very disrespectful to you by keeping contact with these women. I honestly think he's messing around with them, I have never had an ex need to keep contact with exes like that, it's weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazy Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 basically he had to get in touch with the "bad" ex to let her know that his mother died - she tried to invite herself to the funeral which would have been totally inappropriate. She apparently cried when he told her he was getting married but since then has tried to be friendly, he has since deleted all her contacts, a decision both of us were happy with but initially he was worried about hurting her feelings but then realised how damaging it was for our relationship. Something is rotten in Denmark. Uuhhh, no, he didn't have to call his ex to let her know his mother died. If it is inappropriate that she attend the funeral of her ex's mom than it is totally inappropriate that he felt that he "had" to get in touch with her to tell her his mother died. remember.....she's his ex and that implies she is not in his life anymore, including phone calls about his mom's death. Sorry, I do think he is still messing around with her if he still feels the "need" to contact her over things like that. The bitchy ex is the biggest problem, i think she knows i don't like her and he hasn't contacted her and there have been some not-so subtle hints which she has failed to recognise, and it is her getting in touch with him (they haven't been in contact for at least 2 years, so she has kind of crawled out of the woodwork) so it is kind of hard for him to ignore? basically he is worried that i am some jealous freak that if i succeed at getting him to ignore her will make him drop all his other friends which isn't the case at all! we have loads of friends and they are all coming to our wedding! basically i don't want to hang around with her, and i don't trust her enough to say that i would be happy for him to hang out with her on his own. i do think that he is very naive when it comes to these "friends" so i am willing to meet the "friendly" ex before our wedding if only to make sure that she doesn't have the same intentions as the other two which he apparently fails to spot, plus she too has literally "crawled out of the woodwork" Crawled out of the woodwork, huh? think again. He probably contacted her to tell her he was getting married and they have since been messing around. If he is worried about YOU taking away his friends, HE is not really that into you and he needs to be dumped by you. Let the exes have a shot. They all deserve each other. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Hazy that may not be true at all that he is screwing around with them. I know my H did not contact his X at all..... she came flying out of the woodwork once mutual friends told her that we were getting married. My H did not think it was a big deal that she contacted us, he did not care, he just said she is stupid and never replied. So it could be the OP's fiance is just not aware of the "evil ways" of scorned and jealous X's. Mine wasn't until a card showed up in the mail!!! :sick: A year and half later after we were married.... and she was never invited to the wedding... but still signed our private online guestbook with some ignorant crap talking about a date they went on 15 years ago. :lmao: Oh what class she had. So X's can freak out and stalk you even without participation on your own behalf. Link to post Share on other sites
milvushina Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 It sounds to me like they just realized you're sticking around, so they want you to like them and not use leverage as "the wife" to make him not talk to them. I think that is shady.. manipulative, self-centered.. but pretty normal. I've had the same experience and I decided to just go with it, but in my case the friends were not exes. I am more concerned that he had to call the "bad ex" to tell her about his mom and wedding. That is not her business. Sometimes I wonder about my ex-husbands' families, but that is just how it goes. I'm not saying getting in touch with her is that bad, but it is kind of annoying. Is he the kind of person who wants tons of attention from lots of people or something? That would get old. Keeping in contact with exes to enjoy the drama/attention/tension is really irksome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rumours83 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 he's not messing about with any of them, he hasn't had any opportunity! we haven't spent a night apart, spent most weekends together and i work 5 mins from where we live and often go home in the day plus it's not like him, his parents hurt him by cheating and he would honestly prefer to break up then cheat. i think when he told the "bad" ex about his mum it was because she had contacted him. plus he is very family orientated so anyone he went out with would have spent a lot of time with his family, so i don't mind that he told her, just that she actually had the nerve to ask him if he was appropriate to attend the funeral (at least she didn't just turn up) when obviously it wasn't - was she going try to sit inbetween us?! He wouldn't mind if i invited an ex as long as it was one he knew about/was friends with, but i haven't invited any. In all cases it was them contacting him and not vice versa and they only found out he was getting married through other friends. basically he had not contacted them like i asked, and the "wanting to get to know me" were all msgs left on his phone and he told me about them. The issue is not really about me and him, a4a had a similar experience so i am wondering if this is a common thing what are their motivations? is it because they all wonder/think it could be them at the alter instead of me (theoretically) Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I don't think it is uncommon. I don't know the motivations of the X. I only know that she was upset because she held onto him for years in fantasy land. She was rude, ignorant, and made herself look like an ass. Was not willing to accept the fact that my H wasn't willing nor had a desire to include her in his life...... likely our marriage was the ultimate rejection and she exploded. The ding a ling wrote a card to tell us she got knocked up and then married to some guy..... LIKE WE CARE :lmao: The final blow was her physical intrusion with mail. That was the final straw that got my H to not so nicely tell her to get lost - I asked him to tone it down a bit as he was too harsh IMHO. This was his only and last communication with her. Being nice to them will only make it worse....... ignoring a stalker X doesn't stop them either. Your fiance has to tell them to go away - if it comes from you it won't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazy Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 i think when he told the "bad" ex about his mum it was because she had contacted him. plus he is very family orientated so anyone he went out with would have spent a lot of time with his family, so i don't mind that he told her, just that she actually had the nerve to ask him if he was appropriate to attend the funeral (at least she didn't just turn up) when obviously it wasn't - was she going try to sit inbetween us?! ) Uhhh....so his ex just happened to call right after his mom died and before the funeral? Me no thinky so. He called her to tell her. And since he called to tell her about his mom passing away, it is not outrageous to believe that since she was important enough to get a phone call informing her of her death, that she would be "invited" to the funeral. As far as I have ever seen, funerals are not "by invitation only" and she would have the opportunity to attend if she so desired. Sorry, you are so naive, he has no business having this much contact with his exes, I repeat...something's off with your fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Sorry, you are so naive, he has no business having this much contact with his exes, I repeat...something's off with your fiance. I agree with the above. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Whether your fiance will admit it or not, I think he may rather enjoy having all this female attention from his exes. Why else would he have stayed in touch with all of them? He's got a weak ego that needs to be fed by having the admiration of several women. He keeps a backup plan at all times and then plays the part of the innocent victim when the sh*t starts hitting the fan. He has created this situation and unless he grows a set real soon and learns how to keep better boundaries with women then I foresee some serious marital problems. You can't clean up this mess he has made. He will have to be the one to cut ties with his exes. If he doesn't want to, than I would seriously reconsider marrying this man if your going to have a problem with him always having a woman on the side, after your married. Good Luck and Take Care Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Being nice to them will only make it worse....... ignoring a stalker X doesn't stop them either. Your fiance has to tell them to go away - if it comes from you it won't matter. I agree with this. He needs to perhaps write them each a (nice knowing you, now leave me alone) letter. He needs to just express that a friendship with them is a disrespect to his commitment to you. Well wishes and all that jazz. He needs to be direct, they need to know where they stand as well as you. See what I mean? Whether your fiance will admit it or not, I think he may rather enjoy having all this female attention from his exes. Why else would he have stayed in touch with all of them? He's got a weak ego that needs to be fed by having the admiration of several women. He keeps a backup plan at all times and then plays the part of the innocent victim when the sh*t starts hitting the fan. He has created this situation and unless he grows a set real soon and learns how to keep better boundaries with women then I foresee some serious marital problems. You can't clean up this mess he has made. He will have to be the one to cut ties with his exes. If he doesn't want to, than I would seriously reconsider marrying this man if your going to have a problem with him always having a woman on the side, after your married. Good Luck and Take Care I also kind of agree with this. In that if he doesn't do above, the door is ajar. It's too easy to get the support elsewhere if is is open and available and you are in a big fight with your partner. It just confuses things, and ajar doors to the past are a tempting escape in crunch times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rumours83 Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 Thanks for all your advice. He really isn't a bad guy at all (or i wouldn't be marrying him) but i did talk to him, and two of them have been told that it isn't appropriate to contact him, i am going to meet the third that is probably the most genuine, so hopefully that will all be ok and we can be friends together, but then if she does have any ulterior motives that will be very clear (i am very intuitive about these things!) thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Bree Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Im Going To Put It Like This: Exes Are Exes For A Reason!! They Do Not Need To Be In Both Of Your Lives Period. It Will Only Cause Problems!!! I Wouldn't Even Have The Other One At The Wedding! To Me That Is Asking For Issues To Come Up. Sorry But I Feel Very Strongly About That! Link to post Share on other sites
Nichole.cull Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 In my oppinion, i think that it has nothing to do with getting to know you, but with keeping ties to him. think about it, when you break up with someone - good or bad, do you really want to get to know theyre new flavor of the month? No. ( and dont think that im calling you just his flavor of the month...) you dont care anymore thats why theyre ex's. what i think they want is to use getting close to you to get close to him again. for whatever reason it may be - just to see if they could get him, just because they want him to want them even though they dont want him, not wanting him to move on.... its all a game. when you get married to him id have a seriouse talk about cutting the ties with the ex's. your starting a new life together and the past should be left in the past. again ill say that this is just my oppinion... i could be wrong but from what it sounds like... i feel im pretty money on this. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Rumuors I agree with all the other posters here, I would seriously caution you to not let the "genuine" ex into your life. You made this posting because it seemed fishy to you, these women want to have you in their back pocket to have easier access to your fiance. Reading this actually made me a bit angry and annoyed, don't willingly let trouble in. No one is doubting your intuition-but really-WHY BOTHER? Because they want it-NO. They are too close for comfort-don't invite them to your wedding. Your marriage is a sanctuary-why let "trouble" in voluntarily??????? Link to post Share on other sites
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