My fiance cheated on me.

[stillafool]

I have to agree with Lizzie60 about your attitude towards this guy. Don't waste your time trying to get revenge. That's giving him too much energy. You can stop the snooping now as it serves no more purpose. You already know this is his character and it will not change. I have to agree with Dano a little bit because it does seem like these type of guys have women chasing them down.

 

What to do:

 

1. Tell him what you've found out in a calm and low voice.

2. If he lies, present him with the evidence you've found.

3 Tell him you are gone and wish him well.

4. Walk away and never look back.

[Lizzie60]

Don't listen to the bad advices from dbtmarley... this is crazy..

 

Don't do anything that could get YOU into trouble... just forget this jerk and move on... period...

 

Revenge is for the weak people ONLY... Your best revenge is to be strong and independant...

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, dump him completely. I know this hurts and you do love him but this man has shown you IN ACTIONS who he is. His words now don't mean sweet bugger all. He is so full of crap!

 

I threw my engagement ring in a lake near my house. I should have pawned it, I KNOW, but I was just too in shock. It's gone now.

 

Now that is funny. Not only has he ruined a wonderful future with you and LOST you, but he is out $$ amount of money as trying to find that ring in the lake is gonna be impossible. Karma's a bitch, eh?

 

I am sorry you're in so much pain. The best thing to do now is get him out of your life completely. He is toxic for you!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Oh my god...

 

and as I keep reading these freaking Myspace messages...I find out that it's been with MORE THAN ONE WOMAN.

 

And THEN...I keep reading all the way back two years ago with his last girlfriend...he cheated on her a million times too!

 

What a jerk. He deserves what's coming to him.

 

Any ideas?

 

Honey, I was feeling so sorry for your situation yesterday but now there is no doubt in my mind that you have a garding angel! I'm so glad that you found all of this now, before you married or married and had kids with this man (loosely). THIS is who he is.

[zilverenvlinder]

Thank you everyone for all of your support. I really truly appreciate it and while I am still at a loss for how to handle this I have found out some other things.

 

So, yesterday, after I found out he had lied to me, AGAIN, and had actually been with this whore more than one time, I called him screaming and crying and throwing another fit. (I don't know how much energy I have left for fits.)

 

And then what I told him hit him like a bag of bricks. "You're not a 14 year old horny little boy anymore. You're 27. Time to grow up."

 

So, he thought about it, obviously, all day. He told me he NEEDED to see me last night so he could do something. So, foolish me, I let him pick me up and take me to his house.

 

When I got there, he called the little skank, put it on speaker, and when it reached her voicemail, he said, "Hi, this is Ryan, I'm sitting here with Elia. She knows what has happened between you and I and I'm calling you to tell you that I am not going to speak with you anymore."

 

He then told me to pick anywhere I wanted to eat, so I grudgingly went along, and of course, ordered the most expensive drink/entree on the menu. Then, this is what he told me.

 

He told me he was commitment phobic, and that he DID need to grow up. He said he was having doubts about being in a "forever" situation with me, but now that he'd almost lost me, he would never have those doubts again. He told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he loved me more than anything.

 

All I could think was... He's a charmer, that Scott Tenorman... LOL! If you're an avid SP fan you'll know what I'm talking about.

 

He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to buy a house with me as soon as possible, and he was going to buy me a new ring that was way better than my old one, et cetera blah blah, and that he was going to prove that he loved me.

 

I checked his phone and the skank hasn't called back.

 

He said he just wants everything to be normal again, and blah blah...

 

And I DID tell him that I really just wanted to call up my old f*** buddy and get things straightened out. Criminy. Just to make myself feel a little more attractive.

 

I should just dump his sorry ass but I would miss him so much. GRRR. Maybe I still will. I just HATE to see all of my time and efforts and love just go to WASTE like that.

[Lizzie60]

I could have told you that no matter what...you'll take him back...

 

He's too strong for you... he will make you believe anything he wants..

 

I feel sad for you.. 'pity' in a better word.

 

Oh well, your choice, if you like to be hurt...keep taking him back...

[Lostgurl]

I should just dump his sorry ass but I would miss him so much. GRRR. Maybe I still will. I just HATE to see all of my time and efforts and love just go to WASTE like that.

 

Honey, by staying with him your wasting your time, efforts and Love. Can't you see that? Leave this jerk for good and find someone that deserves you!

 

I feel for you terribly, I admit that you are going through what is my worst fear. But on a positive note, you are handling it alot better than i think I would have.

 

He is trying to make you feel better with material things, because he can't show you love with his heart and commitment. That is very scary, because I don't think this man is capable of loving another human being, he seems very empty. A shell of a man, or boy. One cannot call him even a shell of a man.

 

Please don't go back, you'll just end up going through this pain again in the future. He'll never change. Haven't you heard that ancient saying, once a cheater always a cheater? He's proved that he isn't going to change. I mean, he's cheated on his ex's as well hasn't he?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Good Grief,

 

Do not marry this man. Much better for him to trample your heart with out all of the legalities to deal with when you walk away.

 

I don't mean the ugly, but YOU have shown him how to love you. By accepting his gift and dinners, then you are perpetuating the cycle. He feels he is making ammends by these things. I know that there are a million things most likely that make this guy lovable to you, BUT he doesn't know how to love. Go back and read your thread. And let me ask you this, how many of the words that he has used to woo you back did you actually give to him.

 

When we throw a fit and the words come spewing, we get into you never did a or b and when I said this you didn't say c. On and on. He affectively has been told what it is that you need to hear. Shouldn't be such a surprise when he finally hits on them.

 

You can't fix him. You can buy into his warped reality but pretty soon its going to be you pitted against yourself. Your own heart trying to convince your own head not to believe what it KNOWS. You won't get one minutes sleep as it will invade your dreams every time your consiousness rests. Mark my words. He is who he is, who you are going to become isn't going to be pretty. You have been blessed with some very important information at an important time.

 

One of the post affair books a read which described serial cheaters, or sexual addicts, like your boy friend or my H, asks if you have a closet full, or box full of makeup clothes and jewelry. Oh, yea, and more. I mistaking thought it was because he grew up with nothing that he was compellled to bring a "sacrifice" to the alter everytime he messed up, but the answer was actually more simple than that.

 

You have all of the information that you need, what you do with it is your own choice but from this point on YOU are doing to yourself. I'm sorry for your situation but its not going to get any better.

 

I have a saying then a friend put it on a Tshirt, kind of as a reminder to me. It reads, "Hold me and tell me lies" I swear one day I'm going to write a country song about it! What makes us need to believe for even a minute that which we know we will NEVER convince ourselves of????

[a4a]

Likely you are afraid of being alone. But don't settle for this sort of crappy human in your life.

 

 

A friend wouldn't even do this to another friend.

 

And that poor skank..... look how he treated her. Probably sold her on a nice package of lies as well. Just call her and dumped her. Nice way to treat people.

 

Did the same to his X......

 

How is it that you are so different from them?

 

Oh he tells you that you are..... ummmmm hummmm.

 

So of course it is true. This guy has you wrapped around his finger.

 

He has zero respect for you.... takes you to dinner:rolleyes: So what..... big deal. Wow that makes up for everything.

 

And who knows if it was even really the skank he was calling..... how do you know it was indeed her?

[ruby_gloom]

oh, z, i really, really hope you snap out of it.

 

(and that is a lot coming from me.)

[zilverenvlinder]

I thought about it.

 

I really did.

 

And you guys will probably tell me I should have gone through with it.

 

But I was at the ol' f*** buddy's house today. He was very happy to see me, as he hasn't seen me in about two years. Purely out of spite.

 

He told me he had to go take a shower, then we could watch a movie. And by saying, watch a movie...well... I know his lingo.

 

I couldn't go through with it. I told the poor guy my boss just called, someone called in and I had to cover.

 

It really sucks that I'm being the good person here. I called my friend to tell her what happened so she could congratulate me.

 

I just really want this to be over. Thanks for all your sound and reasonable advice, everyone, but it seems that most men ARE cheaters and there's no way around it. I will possibly start seeking out some female companions.

[ruby_gloom]

what are you doing, Z? you're smarter than that. what good will it do you to cheat on your bf? will it make you feel better? it might, but it will only be a momentary thing.

 

you seem to be purposely overlooking the real issue here, choosing instead to skirt around the problem, trying to find ways to make yourself feel better and he worse. yea, you can cheat on him, and that will do it--but only for a while.

 

after the adrenaline of revenge wears off, what will you have? two people who are engaged, ready to "commit" themselves to a life together, who have cheated on one another: he because he has no respect and you because you are acting immaturely?

 

what kind of foundation is that for a marriage, Z? sugar coat it all you want, but the truth is that neither of you have an ounce of respect for each other left.

 

two wrongs don't make a right, Z, just like all of the advice being given to you won't make a difference if you consciously choose to dismiss. it's true that just because one asks for advice it doesn't mean one will take it, but what's bothersome is that you seem to reject it not because you disagree with it, but because you want to disagree with it.

 

cartman would be disappointed.

[zilverenvlinder]

You're right, ruby, and that's why I didn't do it. I honestly love him and I can't help it. But it's just so hard to leave! ;-( Everything we've done together, all of our mutual friends, all of the great things, and most importantly, I felt loved and appreciated.

 

Obviously, I wasn't.

 

I was just hoping someone would tell me that it would be okay, that he probably wouldn't do it again since he was so regretful the first time, et cetera. But so far, no one has. And so far, everyone is probably right.

 

The most I can honestly do right now is hold off any sort of wedding plans we had and maybe just give him some time to think about what he really wants. Maybe someday I can find someone who will treat me better than this..

 

And maybe I'm just settling because I don't think I can find anyone better, or anyone I would possibly love more than him.

[zilverenvlinder]

...except for, you're right, the Ultimate Love of my life...Eric Cartman. ;-)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Glad you didn't go through with it, that's not going to change a thing unfortunately. I've thought this thing through a hundred times and the ONLY thing I still posses is my self respect! Without that I have nothing. He doesn't define you UNTIL you let him. You can't screw the betrayal away, by the end of the day, you are still betrayed and being a betrayer isn't gonna make your hurt go away, and unless you are caught and want to sell your friend out, then he's not going to "know" that he has been betrayed.

 

Let it go, let him go. The only thing that will ease your pain is time and moving on. The best revenge is living well, oh, and looking REALLY good while you do it! Join a gym or get out and get moving, the exercise is a "feel good" drug! Almost as good a sex and you have nothing to regret!

[tinke]

what is sad is that he has set the stage for future performances. do you believe this was just a one-chance impulsive action? first, he spoke to her before, and then continued after...so there was subsequent contacts, by choice. i have learned from my experiences that once the deed is done, the next time will be with less remorse, and on and on..until he will completely blame you for his actions.

you seem to be young, let me try to offer another glimpse. when you have a true bond, one in which there is talk of marriage, there is a love involved where you honor each other, it is a given. never would you feel the need to hack into private letters, etc., because there is mutual trust, loyalty.

it seems to me, once another party is allowed in the picture, the dynamics drastically change. can you look at him, touch him and feel the same knowing he was with another. can you forgive the disrespect? will you suspect the next time, walking on eggshells...how long can that last?

just some important questions to ask yourself.

even if he were truly sorry....it is now about you, can you truly stay as if it did not happen? what if she becomes pregnant, has STDs. not a very bright move, he has endangered your health. but still, this is not someone you just met...this is someone you speak of becoming engaged to, does it sound like he is committed?

[dbtmarley]

Don't listen to the bad advices from dbtmarley... this is crazy..

 

Yes by all means ignore my advice... it is bad I admit. I think you should have 25 men who come to your house and pay you money for really bad sex. These same men will convince you how good you are, but always run out the door after slipping you a twenty. Use this experience here to be cold hearted so when they do run out the door you won't feel bad. Impress upon your daughter that this is the great life style while you secretly hire a detective to find out who her daddy is because you screwed over 300+ men during her conception....

 

Is that the way it's done Lizzy?

 

T-Money in the hishouse.... my nizzle!

 

PS oh I forgot.... Good Luck!

[a4a]

And maybe I'm just settling because I don't think I can find anyone better, or anyone I would possibly love more than him.

 

What is he the last bus out of town?

 

Are you hideous or something?

 

You need to see that your self esteem is in the gutter.

 

You love a person that puts you at risk with HIV, a fun lifetime commitment to Herpes, and other crotch creepin' crud?

 

Not to mention zero respect for you, no concern for your health even.

 

Just let him tie you to a tree and throw hatchets at you randomly....

 

Wait until he knocks up one of his skanks after you marry him and tells you that you have to babysit his kid while he goes out on a date.

 

You are not thinking clearly at all...... If this was a friend this happened to what would you tell your friend to do?

 

Actions, not words tell you if a person truly cares about you.

[dbtmarley]

You love a person that puts you at risk with HIV, a fun lifetime commitment to Herpes, and other crotch creepin' crud?

 

 

EXACTLY!!!

 

You better get on that bus a4a spoke of before it hits you!

[stillafool]

Let him go. I know of too many women who went on to marry their cheating fiances, thinking they would change once married, and haven't. These guys do not change. If you marry him in 10 years you will have aged tremendously from the stress.

 

I know you love him as those types seem very lovable - TO ALL THE WOMEN!! When you get highly emotional he knows exactly how to handle you - materialistically. You are setting the stage for what's to come.

 

You should have stayed calm and stood your ground and then he would have been confused. Once you get married and he cheats he knows he can smooth you over with his words and gifts. Not be mention that you will blame the OW as you have here calling her a "skank". He's the skank!

[stillafool]

I could have told you that no matter what...you'll take him back...

 

He's too strong for you... he will make you believe anything he wants..

 

I feel sad for you.. 'pity' in a better word.

 

Oh well, your choice, if you like to be hurt...keep taking him back...

 

I agree, these type of cheaters always pick wives they know will take them back. Woman up girl - if you aren't thinking of yourself think about your future children and what they would have to suffer.

[luvmy2ns]

Maybe someday I can find someone who will treat me better than this..

 

...but you won't because you'll be so busy trying to make this guy love you when he really can't love anyone but himself. He's already shown you that. You'll spend all your alone time poring over the computer, trying to spy on him and see if he's still screwing you over, which he will be. But maybe he'll wise up and figure out how to keep you from finding the evidence now.

 

Do you really want to wake up some day and realize you've wasted 20 years on this jackass? Grow a pair, woman!!! Or, better yet, remove his and wear 'em long enough to give him the heave ho.

[bish]

I could have told you that no matter what...you'll take him back...

 

He's too strong for you... he will make you believe anything he wants..

 

I feel sad for you.. 'pity' in a better word.

 

You don't feel bad for or pity any BW or B-SO. Don't act like you do.

[squeak]

Z-what is the verdict? Please tell us what you are going to do.

 

I have been thinking about this even when not on here, please tell us what else anyone can do or say to convince you not to go back to him or give him one more chance.

 

You were delivered the worst case scenario hard proof, no doubt about it. That would make most people run and never look back, except to curse them.

 

You feel you wasted your love and staying with him now will make it better and worth it. But it won't.

 

All relationships teach us something, about ourselves, why we do things.

 

It was not a waste. You learned so much.

 

What are you going to do?? Why are you giving him a second chance? What happened to all that indignation? This is the crossroads of your life.......

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

I should just dump his sorry ass but I would miss him so much. GRRR. Maybe I still will. I just HATE to see all of my time and efforts and love just go to WASTE like that.

 

it sounds like it already went to waste despite your efforts, because whatever efforts you made didn't keep him from screwing everything in sight. or this post isn't real; you waited that long to check out the rest of his messages after you found out he cheated? i find that hard to believe.