What does this all mean?

[Shawn S]

I'm new here and could really use some advice. I apologize for the length but I don't want to leave out any details. I'm a little confused about how a friend has been acting toward me. Just a little background about myself. I'm a reserved, shy kind of guy and I've never had a girlfriend or even been on a date. I also don't really have that many friends, I'm the type that just has a few close friends. I'm just not good with women but I have asked a couple of people out on dates only to be turned down. So as you can imagine my flirting radar isn't really honed.

 

Jess and I met at work about a year and a half ago. I was helping out in her department since she was short handed and the two of us started talking and hit it off really well. In fact I clicked with her faster than anyone I have ever met before and eventually I fell in love with her. But she was engaged to James. I started to hang out with the two of them and he and I have become good friends as well. However she started acting strange around last March. She decided that I needed a make over and took me to buy new clothes and at the same time she started touching me a lot. At first she would bump into me or slap me on the arm but that turned into poking me, punching and kicking me, and laughing and giggling like a school girl even after I went back to my own department. Jess would find ways to drop by my office and I was guilty of the same. We even started to eat lunch together. But Jess wouldn't do those things when James was with us and we were out doing something.

 

Jess has gotten worse with time and things became even more strange just after their wedding. Jess had tried to join the Navy just before she met James and had been turned down and all of a sudden was talking about trying to join again and wanted me to join with her. I thought she was joking at first but it turned into this 20 minute conversation that ended when she said that I would never make it because everyone had to shower together. A co-worker (Donna) had talked about setting me up on a date with a friend and Donna told me that Jess went to her one day asking a bunch of questions about Donna's friend. Donna said that it was almost like Jess was jealous and didn't really want me to go out with her. But I couldn't ask out Donna's friend because as soon as I met her I was already comparing her to Jess and decided that it wouldn't be fair to Donna's friend since I would always be making that comparison. I had started back to college for the semester and was working at night as was Jess because she had found another job and had stayed part time to help until a replacement could be hired. One night I was talking about maybe having to move away when I graduated to find a job and she freaked out. Jess said the James was going to leave her one day and that I couldn't leave her to. (James has type 2 diabetes and isn't really well controlled. From what I have been told it's a miracle that he has even made it to be as old as he is now. His vision is even impaired because of it.) Then not long after that Jess had asked me to do a favor for her and that night when I came into work she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and said "You're the best" when I told her that I had done it. The rest of the night she was all over me poking and punching me and stuff. My friend Donna saw this and told me later that if it weren't for the fact that someone else was around that she thought Jess would have had me cornered somewhere and going further than that. Things got so bad that I even considered just staying away from her last December. I stopped working nights after the semester ended and Donna told me that Jess would call and ask if I was there and when she told her no Jess would say that she wasn't coming into work. Then one day she showed up just before 5 and said she didn't feel like working and was trying to talk me into going to dinner and a movie with her and James. When I declined she put her head down on my desk and said "Why are you avoiding me?" I almost started to cry and told her that I just didn't feel good and was going to go home. Jess turned in her security card and officially quit that day. I really missed her and decided that since we didn't work together anymore that things would be ok if I hung out with her since she didn't do anything when James was around. So at first things were ok but then she started doing more of the stuff she did at the office when James was around. Like she was slowly implementing things into everyday conversation and actions so he would just kind of get used to it. She had even talked about the three of us moving into a house together. Then back in May we were going to go to a movie and as I was driving the three of us there Jess spoke up and said that James thought she and I were having an affair. Apparently they had been arguing over which movie to see and she told him that she would just call me on her day off and that I would go with her because I would do whatever she wanted. Then he said "I see how it is. You two are having an affair." I didn't really know what to say except "Jess wouldn't want to have an affair with me." Then Jess spoke up and said "Yes I would." It was kind of a big joke but it was really strange. Then a couple of days later she needed a ride to a doctors appointment and to run a couple of errands afterwards. She was poking me all day and after we stopped and picked up dinner and went back to her place James said "So how's the affair going." Jess said "That's funny, Shawn was asking me why you thought the two of us were having an affair today." I had asked just trying to get a little more info earlier in the day. After dinner she asked me for some help filling out some papers and was writing on the back of a photo album. After we had finished she opened it and started showing me pics and telling me who certain people where and when the pic was taken. Jess came across this one pic of one of her friends and her friends boyfriend at the time. Jess said "He and I slept together when they were dating." I started giving her a hard time about it and she responded with "Hey, he could have stopped it." I didn't know if she was trying to tell me something without actually saying it or what she meant. I just thought it was really strange that would be the first thing to come to your mind to comment about when looking at a picture. After she finished with the album she put it back up and didn't get anymore out. A few weeks after that she decided to try and join the Air Force if she could get accepted and said something about me moving with them to whatever base she would be stationed at. But she has since given up on the idea. I was a little upset and panicked because if she was leaving should I tell her about how I felt or not. I had since left the office and had kept in contact with Donna and a few other friends so I decided to go and ask them for advice. Donna had always told me that she thought that Jess had feelings for me and had always said that if Jess hadn't already put so much time and effort into the wedding that she would have never went through with it. Donna said to met her and my other friends for lunch the next day and we would talk about it. All four of them think that Jess is in love with me and had always been. These are all women co-workers, some older and some younger than Jess and myself. They all said that I just needed to speak with Jess and clear the air so I asked Jess out to lunch one day so we could talk. I laid everything out and told Jess that I wasn't sure what her intentions were and brought up specific things that I have mentioned here. I told her I didn't know if she was flirting with me or if she was just being goofy and trying to be funny. She said that she was just being goofy and started asking me if it made me uncomfortable to be around her and James. I told her no because it really doesn't then she asked me if there was anything she could do different as far as the poking and stuff. I didn't really say yes or no I just told her that I didn't know what her intentions were. When I brought up the thing about James thinking we were having an affair she said "I knew I shouldn't have told you, I knew that was going to bother you." Then I brought up the statement she made about James leaving her. After I mentioned specific things she said that I "Over think things." She said that I was a good guy and that I was really close to her and that she worries about me a lot. I tried to tell her that I loved her but I couldn't manage to say it. She then asked me "You like me a little." Then I told her "More than a little." It was strange since she didn't seem happy, sad or mad and she didn't really tell me that she felt the same or that she saw me as nothing more than just a friend. After she told me that I was really close to her I was talking and she said "Bad timing." I had already left and started to think what did that mean. That afternoon the three of us went to the park and she acted like what I would consider normal and didn't offer to poke me or anything. A couple of days later the three of us were out and she didn't do anything until James went into a restroom and she started punching me and stuff until he came back out. I thought that everything was going to be ok and Jess seemed to back off for a couple of weeks. That was until the three of us went to an amusement park one day. She started poking me and at first I thought she was just trying to get my attention off of the crowd but she kept doing it all day. She would hang on James for a few minutes and then she would start poking me again and we were getting some really strange looks from people around us. So she's getting back to her old tricks it seems.

 

Donna and my other friends have told me of some comments that some former co-workers made while the two of us were working at the office and almost everyone seems to think that something was going on between Jess and myself. People have even mistaken us for a couple before. Donna and my other friends are more sure now that Jess likes me since Jess didn't really tell me that she felt the same as I do or not when the two of us spoke. I can't fully make myself believe that Jess feels the same. There are times when I think that there is no way and then other times my gut tells me that maybe she does. I almost get the impression that she looks at me as a back up in a way in case something happens to James. Just the other day we were in the car and Jess said something about James not living to be an old man and that they wouldn't have kids. And then she said that I wouldn't ever get married and have kids so she could be a part of their lives. Jess would like to have children but with James' health problems and that fact he couldn't really help take care of them it's probably better that they don't and I think that's what they agreed on. But I don't think she's fully accepted that since she will drop hints from time to time about having a baby. Jess has even tried to get James to agree to let her get a kitten or a dwarf bunny but he keeps telling her no. It has even come up that they aren't intimate with each other, why they feel the comfortable discussing this in front of me I don't know but James is the one who complains. They even argue while I'm around about things like money, kids, etc.

 

So I think that's everything. From what I have described here what is happening? Does Jess like me even though she didn't really say anything when we spoke? I just can't shake this feeling that she does and with her acting the way she does it really doesn't make things any easier on myself. I've been thinking about staying away from her again but I would hate to throw away two friendships if Jess doesn't and I'm afraid to try and revisit the situation and try and make her say for sure because I don't want to upset her. But I'm in a difficult position and I don't think that these feelings I have for her will ever fade. It's worse now than it was this time last year and I don't see it getting any better. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.

[finalf30]

It's really hard to say what's going on in her head, I know you don't want to hear that, but in all honesty she's the only one who would ever know.

 

Maybe she just feels extremely close to you as a friend? She likes being around you, that is pretty evident, and you should definitely value her friendship. When she jokes about an "affair" or when she brought up the fact that she slept with that girl's boyfriend, these are things you should question about her...even though it seemed like she was giving you hints about the two of YOU, I think it's also a peek into her character, no?

 

I'm not totally sure, obviously, but I felt inclined to offer up SOMEthing. Just keep in mind you will never know what she's thinking unless she tells you, and even then who knows - she can sugarcoat, she can lie... it's all about you taking charge of the situation. You need to put your foot down and tell her what you want out of your friendship/what you want it to become, and let her take it from there. It's the only way you'll get results!

 

Good luck, Shawn, let me know how things go!!

[squeak]

Coc*tease.

She will drive you crazier and crazier....but never deliver.

"Shawn will do whatever I want"....

She slept with her "friend's" bf while they were dating? nice....

*goes to wash hands*

[dbtmarley]

You can do one of two things:

 

 

1. Pork her and get it over with

 

2. Be a friend to James and leave her alone

 

 

You know you could actually be the bigger person here and leave her alone. Respect their marriage and go find your own girlfriend to hang with. Personally I would have blown you away....

You can try to play all innocent if you want, but you are not stupid and you very well know what is going on here.

[woodsfield]

that's just an f'd up situation all 'round, man.

 

longer you let it drag, the worse off you are. if you are in love with her, take a stand, MAN! it will be hard to do, especailly with Jim's condition, but even when you are shy (i am the exact same way, nuthin but rejection and no "game"), you got to lay it all out there and hope for the best. tell her that you love her or whatever you really feel and see what happens.

 

i think there is only a PLAN "A" in this situation.

[Shawn S]

I'm not looking for a hook up and I feel awful and even guilty that I feel the way I do, almost like I'm betraying both of them because I feel this way. It's just that Jess and I get along really well, we always have, and never have had any kind of disagreement or argument. I know that being friends with someone and being in a relationship are two completely different things but I just can't shake the feeling that there could be something long term which is what I'm really looking for. It's strange but sometimes it's like we are thinking the same thing. There have been times when I have been thinking something and she will just blurt it out because she was thinking the exact same thing. I do love her and value her friendship as well as James but it's just getting really hard and I don't know if I can keep this up forever. There have been a couple of instances in the past when Jess said that she was going to leave him for some rich old guy then she added that "Or I'll just leave you for Shawn." It was more of a joke but it was still really strange. When the two of us spoke about everything she said something about having lunch once a week since we didn't get to see each other as much since she left the office but I haven't taken her up on the offer for obvious reasons. Jess told me that she was really glad that I didn't decide to stay away last December so I know if I try again she will be really hurt and upset. She also told me that she teases James a lot telling him that she was going to leave him for me. I don't know if she does it when they are arguing or if she does it as more of a joke but knowing this makes me think thats why James kind of jokingly brought up the thing about Jess and I having an affair. I had thought that maybe he had noticed the same things I had and was starting to have worries about it.

 

I have never been one to try and break up anyones relationship. Back in high school there was this girl that I had a huge crush on but she was seeing someone and even then I didn't try and interfere. I have to say that I would be stupid not to accept if Jess wanted something more since I really feel like there could be something long term there. But it would only be after her and James broke things off. However, it would also mean that James would be the one left out and that really bothers me especially since he is already at a disadvantage in life as it is. And even then if Jess and I did pursue a relationship there is no guarantee that it would work, only time would tell. I'm just not good with women and I never have been. I've been rejected so many times before anyone would actually consider going out with me. So it's just difficult for me to believe that someone would actually be interested in me. I guess no matter what happens someone is going to get hurt. So the big question is it better that person is me or not.

[BlueEyedSarah]

I think you should stay away from this girl, become too 'busy' to hang out. Hang out with your other people from work. You will never get Jess as 1. has a boyfriend and 2. sounds like a cheat. Like she mentioned before in the photo...thats her friends boyfriend WHO SHE SLEPT WITH. Why the heck would she do that to a friend?! .

[squeak]

You can try to put it all out there but 2 words of advice:

1) karma is a bi**h...when you find her bringing in a new guy once /if you two are ever together...you'll know exactly how James felt.

2) Don't be surprised when she has a new male "friend" who she starts telling you "I'm going to have an affair with Doug(insert new guy friends name) -just kidding" heehee giggle giggle poke poke

 

I do not understand why people think the person who does that to another won't do it to them.

 

I have seen it happen so many times, the cycle continues in the new relationship--and each time like clockwork the new person starts wondering "duhhh...but how could she/he do that to ME??? I thought *I* was different...."

[Shawn S]

I just wanted to clarify the whole cheating thing real quick. It was when she was just out of high school and there was a short period when she admits that she was single and went a little crazy. It's the only time that I know of when she has ever done anything like that and since that time had a couple of steady boyfriends before she and James met and never cheated on any of them. When James started to have trouble with his vision and started to get really bad he even told her that she should leave since they would never have a "normal" life together but Jess stayed with him anyway, however this was before she and I met. Jess hasn't crossed the line and tried to make an advance for sex or anything. I think she loves James but maybe feels the same about me and she just doesn't know what to do. That's part of the reason I think she looks at me as a back up. I don't think she's happy with the way things are right now though. They moved here from a coastal area to be closer to James' parents so they could help with his condition. And I know she would rather live there than here. Then there is the thing about them having children and different things I don't think she's really happy about the way things are and how things will be in the future.

[squeak]

Okay, you came her to ask what are your chances with her, not to be judged, but I almost feel I will be adding to bad karma points towards myself if I encouraged you at all.

 

I keep imagining those wild life specials where the male animal is weak or wounded and all the competitors start lining up around him waiting for his weakest moment to pounce on the (willing?) female next to him.

 

Are we just animals? Some say yes...with the ability to lie too.

 

Yes, she is giving all sorts of signals, who knows to what end. I just know I would not feel very good if I was you about the circumstances (hello-she is still with this guy)...it sounds like you are going to do what you're going to do, even though you could realize there are other women out there without sick husbands who they chose to marry.That's all.

[lost3v3rytim3]

I know what you are going thought.( I am in your shoes.) My advice to you is that I think Jess is a bit confused, when she meant that "you are too late" meaning that she was probably wanting you to make the move to go out with her. But her big mistake that she was going to get married. She is married and she doesn’t want to break James heart, plus he is very sick. She probably likes you back because what I read how she is very touchy to you hints that she likes you. But she is telling you that she can’t be involved with you because she is married. This is brothering you and you want to be left alone from this. And she is not making it easy for you. I think you should tell her that you have deep feelings for her and her touchy feeling ways is not making it easy for you. Jess needs to respect your emotions. If she can’t decide what she wants then she needs to step back and think that she is not the only one. You need your space and be free from the confusion. (Because I myself get tried of these childish games) Hope things go well.

[Shawn S]

I just wanted to clarify since I didn't want everyone to think that Jess was some kind of whore or something. My original posts were to try and give as many details as possible so that someone could give some kind of idea as to what it is Jess is doing and what may be going through her head. Part of that is throwing out the possibility that she isn't happy and feels that she may have made a mistake. I HAVE NEVER made any attempt to make anything happen between her and I NOR do I intend to at this time. I try and ignore what she does and not give into it. My original post even ended with me asking the question if is was better for me to sever all contact with her or not. I feel that needs to be based off of what she may be thinking and doing so that's what I've been trying to figure out. As for the comment about animals circling their wounded prey that isn't so and I am very protective of James. There have been a couple of times when his blood sugar dropped dangerously low when I was around and I have had to help get it back up so that he didn't go into a diabetic coma or something worse. Yes, if Jess wasn't happy and decided that she had made a mistake by getting married and decided to file for a divorce, or if something did happen to James, I might consider pursuing something then AND ONLY THEN if she wanted to. And that would ONLY be after I took James into consideration and made sure he was OK with it, although that is a whole other can of worms. I'm not happy or proud that I feel the way I do about her and it has been very difficult for me to be her friend because of it. I'm a good person and I do lots of nice things for other people some of which don't know and will never know because I take no credit for those actions. I even took a weeks vacation leading up to the wedding so that I could help out with things. I was a groomsmen as hard as it was for me to stand there and do that during the ceremony. If I come across someone else that makes me feel the same way she does I would consider pursuing it. But I'm not really good at the whole dating thing and because it takes a while for me to get comfortable being around anyone I'm just not good at approaching women. Jess just has everything that I would want not only in a girlfriend but as a wife. It's just that at this point I'm not really in the right mind set to even try and purse anything with someone because everything she keeps doing is really screwing with me head. Weird comments and actions like when she told me that she wished I could go with them on their honeymoon and actions like when she grabbed me and kissed me on the cheek after I had done a favor for her are the types of things that make me question just what it is that she's up to. At this point I'm just mentally and emotionally drained and I don't know what it is I should do. I'm the type that gives up and sacrifices a lot of things for the greater good so that everyone else is taken care of without any regard to myself. Lately I've been wavering and asking myself if that's what I should do in this case or if I should think of myself for just once if it meant that everything I ever wanted was right at my finger tips and all I had to do was reach out and take it.