"I'd never cheat" / Taking back a cheater.hmm...

[finalf30]

I have a ton of respect for people who say that they have been given the opportunity to cheat and didn't act on it. Those people should be commended for following through with the morals and standards they have always set for themselves and the people they care about. That is extremely important and lacking in this world today.

 

I am one of those people as well...sure I've thought about it (it's hard NOT to when you’re in a long-distance relationship while you're at school, drinking often, upset/missing your boyfriend a lot) but I did not act on it- who knows "why" but I like to think it's because of my morals. Maybe it's because I would have had to suffer the consequences, and I generally think before I act; I knew the consequences would be nasty.

 

My boyfriend, however, cheated on me while I was away at school. He called me & told me a fraction of the truth afterward, which I chalk up to this (after a VERY long time of thinking about it, going through the motions, with & without him): he wanted the punishment and to suffer the consequences of what he did wrong, but he didn't want to lose me altogether. He was very sorry. The situation was that he was drunk, hadn't seen me in a few weeks, etc. No EXCUSE per se, but just how things unfolded. The girl had a boyfriend too, who she lived with, so she could have easily gone home but I digress. When I learned of the full truth, we broke up and had VERY limited contact for a little over a month (I mean we spoke via text message maybe twice). I made sure when we did speak that he knew I was "just fine" moving on without him, hated his guts, etc. He was miserable. It's hard to explain this the correct way without sounding like I'm trying to make excuses for it. Point is, he was ashamed and sorry from the get go. It was something we both had discussed in the past about how we've never cheated, never will, find it disgusting, and he did it. Crazy and out of character. Felt like I didn’t know him at all...entirely untrue though.

 

My entire "big picture" point is this: it is GREAT that you've been given the opportunity to cheat & stopped yourself. That is a commendable feat. However, no 2 people are alike. It has little to do with morals, standards, etc. It's all about what affects the split-second decision you make in a given situation. I believe that everyone has the CAPABILITY of cheating, the circumstances have to be a very specific way (or non-specific, for those who don't mind cheating at all), but nonetheless, there are plenty of people who won't and don't.

 

People are different. Just because 2 people both say that they never have and never will cheat on a loved one, doesn't mean all of their morals are the same. They will differ in another category, like lying, or politics, or racism, or abortion, etc. ... just other general areas of life. Cheating once doesn't make you a type of person. Sometimes it's a HUGE learning lesson. Lying once doesn't make you a liar...and we have ALL lied, knowing full well how terrible they can be (I'm not talking about white lies or lies that help people). Some people don't have the ability to look far into the future and see consequence, THOUGH as adults we are all really expected to have that ability...some people are selfish in that regard. Some people cannot control themselves while under the influence of alcohol... and people can say that alcohol is an "excuse" - it IS sometimes, but other times people get belligerent and do stupid things they would NOT normally do. I've told people I loved them when I really hate them, I've danced (I hate dancing. I don't even secretly want to do it when I'm sober), I've broken things/disregarded belongings of my friends, I've told secrets -- I sound like quite the lush, but I'm speaking for some of my close friends as well. Anyway, some people also get very lonely when they spend a significant time (or a number significant to them) away from their SO...they are lonely and empty. They should in no way get your sympathy, but these emotions are just some things that maybe some people don't understand, ya know?

 

The only reason I write this is because I've taken back a cheater for the first time in my life. People have judged me so much for that and I'm really doing my best not to falter at their words. I was one of the people who said I would NEVER take back a cheater under any circumstance, and here I am. You never know what you will do until you're in the situation and forced to look at it from a different view. Maybe you will gain the perspective that a handful of people deserve a 2nd chance, or that no one is perfect, or that people are different. You choose how you want to be treated, absolutely, and for those who say they would never take a cheater back, good for you! I'm glad you don't stand for that nonsense. But for those that have never experienced it to know, don't judge, because not every situation is the same.

[squeak]

That is true, most people would not do exactly as they say if roles were revered.

 

Some congresswoman put down Hilary Clinton, and said "well I would never put up with that" regarding that whole affair, and fast forward years later she was publicly standing by her husband after he was caught with escorts.

 

Thanks for the point of view, good post. I think most people who post here are often on the fence about what to do.

 

I would never cheat because I hate most people and I don't want to do what most people do.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm a little uncertain of what the purpose of your thread is. Is it to justify your reasoning for taking back a cheater?

 

Of my personal experience, I was cheated on, would and will never cheat, and didn't take back the cheater.

 

Love is not enough and self-love tends to govern the average cheater's mentality. It's the need for external validation within the emotional and intellectual composition of a cheater. Who's to say that the next time they need some form of emotional kick start, they won't cheat again?

[finalf30]

I guess it's to justify why I took back a cheater, or maybe just to provide people with the new perspective I've gained.

 

And I'm sure our situations were undoubtedly different, which is important to me, though that might not be very important to you. I'm not denying the pain and hurt that I know we BOTH went through, I'm not denying the selfishness of the act, but doesn't it depend on the person/how well you know them/how the act plays a role in their life, their character, etc? I mean, those things are what affected my decision, and the actual act is what affected yours. I don't think either is wrong, do you?

 

Anyway, I did break up with him for a while as well. I've experienced both decisions and I'm comfortable with the one I've made.

 

Was your reply to say that you are somewhat wiser for the difference in our 2 decisions? I think that was the purpose of my entire thread.

 

Also, you talk about the "average cheater"'s mentality - I've always thought that was silly, there is no average to the events that occur in everyone's lives. There's also no proof of what causes the cheating, what affects their decision to do it, etc. Every situation is different, I know that from all the stories I've heard, from friends & family, from reading posts on loveshack... sure there's a common "he/she did something out of our relationship" but reasons are always different, some are due to mentality, some are due to a plethora of other reasons.

 

I'm very very very happy for you in that you would never cheat NOR would you ever take back a cheater. Commendable, to say the least.

[Trialbyfire]

It doesn't matter what causes the average cheater to become what they are. What matters is the consistency within their mentality and emotional composite.

 

They need something beyond what you can provide so they get what they need elsewhere, but still keep you around to meet the balance of their needs without you knowing about it. They lie so they don't lose you.

 

Drill down into the core issues. Selfishness and a lack of willpower.

[finalf30]

So, you don't think that some people only cheat once? Because I beg to differ. What about people who break up with someone because they don't know how they feel about them, only to realize how they truly feel, get back together, and both are happier than ever? Can't it be a similar realization? Anything can be. Cheating is not so scientific, you cant "average" it out, you can't prove. Every PERSON is different. This is silly, I sound like I'm justifying what they do, I don't condone cheating, I hate it and it caused me a ton of unnecessary pain... all I'm trying to say is that I am very confident that I made the right decision.

 

You say selfishness and a lack of willpower but don't we all make a mistake at some point involving one of those two things? Not necessarily with cheating.

[Trialbyfire]

We are talking about cheating, are we not? Cheating involves lying and deceit. Cheating involves having your needs met at the unknowing expense of others. It isn't a little, tiny mistake. It's knowingly taking away control and knowledge from your partner.

 

If someone does something upfront, it's a different story. In your partner knowing what is happening, they can make the decision to agree or disagree with accepting this type of treatment.

[Cobra_X30]

Finalf30,

 

The only thing you have going for you is the fact that your guy came clean. Which probably means he figured you would be weak enough to stick with him if he did some damage control. Maybe that works for you, but I wouldnt advise anyone to take your path. Why? Because when you show someone that thier actions have no ultimate consequences it empowers them to continue along that behavior path.

[finalf30]

I wouldn't "advise" anyone to blindly take back a cheater either. I am not a weak person and when I broke up with him, he had no idea I was going to talk to him again a month later. Everything happened in steps, on my watch, when I was ready...talking to him was difficult, then I went through the emotional yelling still not over it phase (I mean, some never get over it)...it's not like he's like "yeahhhh, did it & got away with it, super my plan worked"...we're no longer long distance either, it's basically like an entirely new relationship.

 

The thread was about being looked upon differently/judged by people who always think they know what their talking about when it comes to your own personal situation.

 

I'm not sure why you're on this forum, Cobra X30, but I wish you the best and sincerely hope you've never been hurt in this way before, forced to make difficult decisions, etc.

[finalf30]

Also, by telling me, I think it's because of his conscience, not damage control. I would have NEVER found out on my own. I only met the girl once and have no connection to her or her friends otherwise..I didn't go into details about the entire story because I just wanted to share a different POV without people being so judgmental.

 

That. is. all.

[Cobra_X30]

Like I said its your choice to take him back or not. I'm not sure why you feel like I am judging you. Actually I am trying to help show you what he could have been thinking.

 

Yes he was clearing his concience... and doing damage control all at once. You may not wish to agree with this but doing this once makes it easier to do it twice. Thats why they say once a cheater always a cheater. Now that doesnt mean that he is definitely going to do it again, but it does mean he will have to work extra hard to keep himself out of bad situations.

 

I apologize if I sounded judgemental. It takes alot of courage to do what your doing. In a very real way I feel for you and dont want to see you in more pain. I lost my family due to my mothers adultery. It will always hurt. Your the first person to ask.