Ally Boo Posted March 10, 2003 Share Posted March 10, 2003 Ok.... My friend Geoff and I have been friends for about 13 years. He always had a thing for me, but I would dismiss it bc I knew how hard it is to find a really really good friend like him. We've been through everything...I helped him when he was suicidal, helped him realize he was worth a ****. When I left my ex husband, he opened his place to me for a week, and helped me move. He was just like a brother. Well, over a year ago, he moved up to Wisconsin to be with this chick he met on the internet and they are planning on getting married down here in May. I haven't seen him since January of 2001. Well, I guess about 6 months ago, I was talking to her, and she was telling me how her brides maid was backing out, then asked me if I wanted to be in the wedding. Well, I ASSUMED (and we all know what happens when you assume) that it was to be a brides maid, then she asked me to be an usher. Well, I was kinda taken back...but I said ok, bc I really had already said yes before I knew what I was saying yes to. Well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I really didn't want to be an usher, for several reasons. A) Females aren't normally ushers, B) I haven't seen my friend in a long time, and if I'm going to be at the wedding, I'd rather make sure he gets his suit on right, than seat people, and C) I just really didn't want to do it. (Side note: The wedding is going to be at the same church I got married in, and I've been nervous thinking about the wedding and wondering what kind of memories will get stirred up at the wedding.) Well, his woman and I have a personality conflict anyway. She's never wrong...and that's like my BIGGEST Pet Peeve about a person. Plus, she knows that he's always had feelings for me...even asked me the day before she came down to get him, if there was a chance...and I said no. She's always been threatened by our friendship....and when they were just talking online...and hadn't met yet, she would bug the **** out of him about her talking to me just to make SURE I knew they were together, or some ****. So, I told her I wasn't comfortable being in the wedding, and she went off. Said she was sorry that I would have to "stoop" to the level of being an usher for her wedding. She said that if I wasn't going to be in the wedding, I would not be able to see Geoff...bc I would be an invited GUEST only. Then she proceeded to call me a bad friend to him, and unsupportive of their marriage...like his family. THEN accused me of wanting Geoff. This really upset me, but mostly bc of the "bad friend" comment. I just don't see how me not wanting to be an usher in the wedding is me being a bad friend. They found a replacement with no problem. I honestly have NO feelings for Geoff in a romantic way, and I'm very glad that he's found someone who loves him so much (Although I thihnk she's a bit controlling and manipulative...I know deep down she loves him more than anyone has). We all 3 got in a really big fight. I said that I didn't think she wanted me to be his friend, bc she's always trying to prove to me that she's #1 in his life...which uh, hello, she SHOULD be, and I don't want to be in the middle of their relationship. I told him I'd always be here for him, if things fell though, but maybe there would be too much animosity between the two of us, for me to even be at the wedding. This hurt me greatly to say, bc he's my closest friend. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to disrespect their relationship, but then again, I think I deserve respect from her too. I mean, had I not been there for him, she may have not even HAVE a fiance right now. I just don't know what to do. I have no prioirty in this situation, and I shouldn't, bc he's getting married and she should be number 1. Should I swallow my pride, and just be a guest only, or just step away. I just don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted March 10, 2003 Share Posted March 10, 2003 Forget about what she said. You need to worry about your friend. You should always support your friend even if you don't agree with what they are doing. I'm sure he would be happy to see you there. Go as a guest, and just be there to support him. Even if his wife and you don't get along, it doesn't mean that you and him are not friends. He decides who his friends are, not her. She may just be jealous of how close you two were in the past as friends. You should definitely go there to support your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 10, 2003 Share Posted March 10, 2003 You might not like what I have to say, but. . . Since there is an animosity between you I think it was very big of her to ask you to participate in the wedding, in any role. It's their wedding and up to them to ask people to participate and seldom do people, who are not really close to the bride or groom, get to choose what their participation will be. In a way, I think an usher is more suitable only because you are HIS friend and normally the grooms friends are ushers. For your friends sake I would swallow my pride a little and be gracious enough to thank her for inviting you to participate. Be honest and tell her you know it was difficult because the only thing you two have in common is that you both care for the same man - but in different ways. That might be one of the best gifts you could do for your friend too. Can you imagine inviting your finace's female friend to a wedding if you at one time or another felt threatened by her and had questions about her relationship with your fiance? That took guts and, to my interpretation, was a tremendous leap of faith and love that she showed to her soon-to-be husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ally Boo Posted March 10, 2003 Author Share Posted March 10, 2003 Well, the thing is, we never really had any problems until this wedding thing. I know they are both very stressed out, and I think they were just taking it out on me bc its easier. But I couldn't have them be in town and me NOT see my friend. I hope this blows over, I just don't know how to handle it. I guess, only communicate with him? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 10, 2003 Share Posted March 10, 2003 boy, it sounds like this woman is determined to be jealous of you at any cost, preferably at the cost of ruining your friendship with Geoff. while it might have been a big gesture for her to assign you a "role" in her wedding, I think I, too, would have questioned being asked to serve as an usher, it'd just be too weird being asked to do something a man traditionally does at a wedding. Personally, I think that with all the other ways she could have used her help -- reading Scriptures, serving cake, corraling the little ones involved in the wedding party, even acting as a local hostess for those out-of-town wedding guests -- it was a gesture designed to humiliate and control Ally, and like her, I would have said "no." Ally being an usher is not a life or death issue, and when that woman made such a big deal over Ally declining, it leads me to believe that she expected her to just be submissive just because she demands it. Ally, don't let anything make you shy away from being there at the church for Geoff. Until he sees his kids being born, this probably will be the most important day of his life, and as his beloved friend, you want to be there for him, even if she's not the gal you'd have picked out for him. Geoff is what is important; your friendship is more important than whatever crap his bride-to-be tries to flick. Besides, you know the old saying: Kill her with kindness. If anything, you come out smelling like a rose because you've tried to be civilized, while she makes herself look like an ass for being so petty. BTW, stay in touch with them as a couple, even if your remarks or coments are directed mostly at Geoff. Even if she's jealous of you (still), she can't say that you've done your best to go behind her back to continue your friendship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ally Boo Posted March 10, 2003 Author Share Posted March 10, 2003 What you said made a lot of sense. Ya know, she is from Wisconsin, maybe her views on certain things differ from me bc there is such a cultural difference. When I left my husband, I didn't even have a place to shower for 2 days, and he opened his house and heart to me...held me while I bitched and cried. There is nothing in the world that I can do for him to repay him for what he did...but give him my undying support of his marriage and their relationship. Thanks for making me see that. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts