Is this a game he's playing, is he just nuts, or what's going on??

[twistedgreen]

I don't know how, but I have managed to find myself a participant in a really absurd relationship. It is not unpleasant, really, but I am wondering just how "up front" the person I'm with is really being.

 

I am going to tell you our genders here for simplicity's sake in discussing it but I hope you won't over-value that information when making a judgement on what you think is going on. By the way...I am looking forward to hearing your opinion!!

 

I'm female and he's male, we are 22 yrs old. I met him about a year ago and after meeting up a few times he told me he found me attractive and I hemmed and hawed about not really wanting to get into a relationship. He pushed for it. Later, he said that he always pushes for relationships if he thinks there's a possibility for one.

 

It just so happened he caught me at a time that I thought I would experiment with trying to freak people out by trying to flood them with all my possibly-seen-as-flaws attributes. I did tell him the strangest things I could muster, about myself, and he, very oddly enough, did not seem to freak, seeming to find it all wonderfully interesting. We had a relationship for a while, and then we "broke up." We thought it was curious that neither of us were ever in the phase where we had a crush on one another, and he was adamant on the fact that he didn't love me and he didn't want me to love him. This worked okay since we were both still obsessing about our respective exes. As "friends", we continued to act just like a couple. Eventually we established a rule that we were "not monogamous..." ...if one of us found someone else we wanted a REAL relationship with, the other wouldn't hold the first back. But we'd say something then and so if nothing was said it was assumed we were physically exclusive (so more like a monogamy that can be dumped without any notice.)

 

Our sexuality was off and on, off and on. He'd occassionally want to save himself for the girl he was going to meet to have a real relationship with. Other times he'd beg and continue trying until I would give in. It was always a surprise as to which way he'd act every time. I required more stability so finally I told him we should change our status from "friends" to "casual dating". He agreed to this immediately (he seems to immediately agree to almost any idea about where the would-be relationship should or should not go)

 

Well a few weeks ago he did something that really upset me, threw a particularly large temper tantrum (he is prone to those) and I told him it was at a head for me and I couldn't risk experiencing even one more of his temper-tantrums. He said he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't throw another tantrum, and I said I understood that but needed more. I asked if he wanted to stay aquaintances, and he responded he couldn't see a single reason why. I said okay.

 

The next day, he said he changed his mind - he DID want to stay aquaintances. I said okay cool, but let's take it slow, I need a little time. He didn't really give me that time, messaging me on ICQ every other day and soon, calling me. He wanted to arrange a time to meet. On Saturday, I met him. It wasn't long after we met up that he was subtly patting me and hugging me and so on (less subtlety over time.) He seemed frustrated at my lack of response to this behavior. After a while he brought up the events that precipitated the breakup: he apologized, and wouldn't I just forget about it? he wouldn't do it again. I asked him, what about the fact that before, he told me it might happen again, he wasn't sure? "I was just being stubborn," he said. A little more hemming and hawing and he got what he wanted and we spent the weekend together. Now things are supposed to be just like they were before the breakup, despite the fact that a short time ago he "couldn't see a reason" to ever talk to me again.

 

The old laws that we're not allowed to "love" each other and that this isn't a "real" relationship, but that we are not supposed to stick our tongues down anyone else's throats until we tell one another we're going to, are still in place I think.

 

It seems, by his actions, that he actually values the relationship more than he is letting on. He is also the highly jealous type and was asking last night whether I had done anything with (a male he sees as a competitor,) I suppose he thought perhaps during the "break up".

 

However, every time I suggest that it actually become like a real relationship and he get serious about it, ie; be expected to put in some effort to make it run smoothly, he seems to really dislike the idea, really wanting to focus on studies as being a priority, with the relationship perhaps not even in the running.

 

I don't even know what I want. I am very wishy-washy, wanting a "real relationship" (no question) but often finding him really annoying and not very special to me. I wasn't really very upset about the 'break up', it seemed like the right/good move and now I feel I have made a mistake. I don't feel that I 'love' him, but maybe just because I'm not 'allowed' to say it, so it never became a part of my internal vocabulary.

 

What do you guys think??? sorry this is soo longwinded!! I promise I'll try and share my best tips with you guys too!! By the way I LOVE this icon, really cute!!

[Tony T]

What's attracting you to this guy is his unpredictabilty....your inability to pin him down....his on again, off again nature. Many people your age tend to like that sort of thing.

 

My guess is that he's not ready for a "relationship" and I'm not sure you are either. If you were ready, you would go find someone who is also ready and capable of being a good partner.

 

These definition and rule games the two of you play back and forth are silly and energy draining. But they seem to favor him and lot more than you and therefore are not fair.

 

Right now, he's getting sex and you are too, he gets to see you on a regular basis in whatever context happens to be in effect that day...you both seem to be getting something out of whatever it is.

 

So, either resolve to enjoy and relish what the two of you have, regardless of the fact that it can't be defined....or move on and find somebody with whom you can have a fully certified relationship.

[midori]

even if you get stumped on a couple of impossible clues.

 

It sounds to me like you're sticking around to see where this guy comes down. Does he or doesn't he: want a real relationship, love you, want to keep you in his life? My guess is that he does and he doesn't, on all three counts. What he has yet to learn is that he can't have both, and that passive indecision in the end will get him nowhere.

 

We're all complicated beings, with conflicting wants, etc. Those of us whose inner conflicts are easily observed in their behavior aren't very mature yet. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, or how to reconcile the different things he wants and doesn't want. It's something we all constantly have to deal with, and hopefully people get better at it as they get older.

 

One thing I've learned is that, in addition to the fact that erratic changes of heart and unreliability are signs of immaturity, they are NOT indicative of Great and Important Issues. He's probably struggling with the same, tedious things we all have angst about to one extent or another. I wouldn't chalk up his existential turmoil to anything deep or significant. Not something worth wasting your time over -- let him sort it out for himself. He has to anyway, it's his angst.

 

You know you want a real relationship. He's not there. He might have thought about it. It might be something he wants, at least in theory, on alternating Wednesdays. But he's not where you are ... so why are you waiting to see if he's going to get with the program?

[twistedgreen]

Thanks for your replies, guys, I think they were pretty on the mark, one thing though, here is an interesting update and I am wondering what you guys think of it, or even whether you think it's completely irrelevant and he is still as unpredictable as ever.

 

This morning, for the first time ever, he told me that he "loved me." He said that he had not thought so before, because he had always compared our relationship to the one with his ex, and that it didn't have many of the components and didn't measure up, but now he realizes that our relationship has a whole bunch of different components the other relationship never had. He concluded that, actually, not only did he love me, but didn't really love his ex at all, because if I were to find happiness with someone else he would be happy to let me go rather than suffer severe jealousy and anger (as he had a tendency to do with his exes.) He also said he wanted to take our relationship to higher levels (something we had discussed earlier) and was sorry about dismissing me when I brought it up before. All of this was said unprovoked, just spilled out of him out of the blue, so it seemed.

 

Not only that, but he also asked me if I would consider getting an apartment with him, and discussed how we could make realistic arrangements not to get on each other's nerves (a big concern of mine) if we were living in the same home

 

Well - it was a relief/guilty feeling to hear that he "loved" me, I didn't say it back, I didn't really think I felt it back. I don't even know what he defines as love, anyway. And I don't really know whether this is just a new sort of temporary attitude he has towards me. He says it's not. Overall he seems to improve and improve in our relationship together, always becoming easier to get along with. But I don't know if this vast difference in his expression of commitment is an indication of a permanent improvement or maybe just a temporary emotional blip!!

[twistedgreen]

Oh yes and dear forum moderator: though I respect your decision I think my signif. other and I would counter that we belong more in the "dating" community than "friends and lovers" (even if our relationship is far from perfect), but nevertheless!! I do not mind!

[Baubles]

Who knows what he's thinking...

 

You definately shouldn't move in w/ someone acting so unpredictable and w/ a relationship (however it is defined) so volatile.

[psycrysi]

Just my opinion-

Sometime ago, I too was involved in a "rollercoaster" relationship very similiar to yours...and when he professed his love and said let's move in together, I did. For me it was a huge mistake...just 3 wks. later, we were driving one another crazy and I moved out. Although we tried to remain friends I decided it was the end of the ride for me.

Take some time...Determine what it is that you want and if he is truly capable of meeting your needs...